Adoption Parenting: Preschool Part 2

Communication About Adoption Continued

Support Birth Family Relationships

“Open adoption” refers to maintaining contact between the child (adoptee) and his or her birth parents or other birth relatives. Like not keeping adoption a secret, an open adoption can have great benefits for the adoptee as well as the adoptive parents and birth families. Many adoptive families choose to maintain some level of contact with their child’s birth family members, although the degree of openness varies.

Families can select an arrangement that best suits their child’s needs. In some adoptions, adoptive family and birth family members contact each other directly. In others, information is shared through an agency, caseworker, or lawyer. Some families choose to share only medical histories and other background information without identifying information such as last names or addresses. Families should learn more about the benefits of open adoption by working with their adoption agency and by reading and educating themselves about adoption issues.

Adoptive parents sometimes worry about relationships with the birth family. Sometimes their initial reaction to the idea of openness and contact is one of fear. (Will their child prefer the birth parent? Will the child reject the adoptive family? Can the child become confused about having two families?) Because of these fears, adoptive parents may want to refuse any contact. Adoption experts note that contact with birth family members generally has a positive effect on children. Contact with the birth family helps a child develop his or her identity, build self-esteem, and feel more—not less—attached to the adoptive family. Like all relationships, these types of relationships may feel awkward at first. Sometimes an outside adoption expert, such as a counselor or agency social worker, can help everyone define and feel comfortable with their respective roles. Early meetings may need to take place at a neutral location, or initial contact may be by letter, email, or phone.

Preschool-age children have limited understanding of their relationship to their birth parents. (One little boy said, “Susan is my birthday mother because she comes to my birthday parties.”) Help your preschooler see that these other “parents” or relatives are important. Speak of them respectfully and comment on their positive qualities. Seeing that you value his or her birth relatives or previous caretakers will help your child feel better and closer to you.

Families may look quite different from one another. In today’s families, it is not unusual for a child to have both a dad and a stepdad or multiple grandparents. This variety in families may make it easier for you to talk to your child about his or her birth family. It may also help your child to have separate labels for each family member (Grandpa, Pappy, Grandfather; Mommy, Birth Mother).

For internationally adopted children with no birth family member contacts, show your interest in finding as much information as you can. Help your child learn about his or her country of origin—its culture, history, language, native foods and manner of dress, and current events. Talk about the possibility of a future family trip there, if financially possible.

Help Children Cope with Adoption-Related Losses

Children adopted as preschoolers often feel sad or angry about their separation from the people they remember. These may include birth family members, foster parents, and orphanage “brothers and sisters.” Some preschoolers adopted as babies show sadness when they begin to grasp the concept of adoption and the people they have lost, even if they have no conscious memory of them.

Young children, like all people, experience grief and need to mourn and work through loss. You can help them by answering their questions honestly, accepting their feelings, and helping them remember important people in the past. Learning to be comfortable with your won feelings about adoption, why you choose to adopt (e.g., infertility), or missing out on your child’s earlier experiences creates a positive and significant bond with your adopted child. Acknowledge their feelings without trying to sweep them away or clear them up. You may also acknowledge your own sadness by saying something like, “I’m sad too that I didn’t get to be with you when you were just a little baby, but I’m happy that your birth mother (and father) had you and that you came to live with me.”

Accept sadness as a normal part of a child’s coming to terms with adoption. Don’t deny your child this feeling or rush him or her through it. Even children adopted as infants, with no memory of their birth parents, will experience these losses, issues, and feelings. This is a part of adoption, not only for the adoptee, but also for the birth parents and adoptive parents who grieve what might have been. Your own understanding of adoption issues will better prepare you to respond to your child’s questions and feelings. However, if your preschooler seems sad or angry much of the time, seek help. Extreme behaviors or moods (control issues, withdrawal, apathy, extreme fearfulness, poor appetite, aggressiveness) may result from unresolved grief. If your child shows these behaviors, look for a therapist or counselor who specializes in young children and truly understands adoption. Ask other adoptive parents for recommendations whenever possible.

Address Adoption Fears and Fantasies

Young children who have already lost one home might be very fearful of losing another. This may lead to increased insecurity. Fears may take the form or sleeping or eating difficulties, nightmares, separation difficulties, nervousness, or increased allergies and illnesses. Here are some things you can do to build your child’s physical comfort level and emotional security:

Build a Safe Environment

Install night lights, buy soft cuddly clothing, prepare favorite foods, and give your child extra attention. Whenever possible, keep important tops, clothes, and other objects from your child’s past. Establishing consistent routines and rules will also help your child feel safe and secure.

Let Your Child Know That You Will Always Be There

Reassure your child that your family and home are permanent. If your child was adopted past infancy, he or she may experience separation anxieties. When you leave the house, make sure to point out that your departure is temporary. Ease the child into visiting a new location or getting to know a new caregiver. Talk in advance about where he will go, what he will do, and when you will come to get him. Visit the site together if possible. Help your child select a comfort item from home to bring along or to play with together later at home. Always pick him or her up on time.

Acknowledge Fantasies

Many children fantasize about an alternate family life. Some children dream of a “real” mother who never reprimands or a father who serves ice cream for dinner. The fantasies of an adopted child may be more frequent or intense because another set of parents really exists. Accept your child’s pretending or wishing without defensiveness.

Give Your Child Permission to Talk About Birth Family

You can even take the lead by saying, “I bet your birth mom thinks about you,” or “I wonder if your birth dad had such clear blue eyes like yours.” Teach your preschooler that it is okay to care about both adopted parents and birth parents.

Incorporate Adoption Into Family Traditions/Rituals

The preschool years are a wonderful time to start family rituals that celebrate your child’s cultural heritage. They are also a good time to celebrate the role of adoption in forming your family. Birth parents and grandparents can be remembered on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day by special cards, prayers, or candle lightings. International adoptive families can celebrate significant events of their children’s countries of origin, such as the 15th of September (Guatemalan independence) or the Chinese New Year. In addition to a birthday celebration, your family can develop a special way to acknowledge the child’s “adoption day.”

Be Sensitive to Daycare/Preschool Concerns

Parents often wonder whether they should talk to their child’s teacher about adoption or the child’s past. A good rule to follow is to share only the information needed to ease the child’s adjustment and to keep your child and his or her classmates safe. Ask that adoption be included in materials and discussions. Consider donating appropriate picture books about adoption. Help teachers use positive adoption language and be aware of situations that may be hard for adopted children (for example, assignments involving bringing in baby pictures, creating family trees, or discussing family histories).

The preschool years are when children become aware of physical and cultural differences. They can also learn some basics about the different ways families are formed. Ask the school to include books, dolls, and playthings to represent cultural, ethnic, and family diversity.

Discipline Considerations

The purpose of discipline is to teach, re-teach, and assist children in developing their own internal controls. Discipline should take into account your child’s abilities, learning styles, and family history. There are many resources available to help parents learn and use positive discipline. This section provides information about a few specific strategies that may be particularly useful for parents of adopted children.

Note that parents need to be especially careful with children who have been abused or neglected. Physical punishment and threats of physical punishment should not be used as forms of discipline.

Establish Routines and Rules

Young children thrive on consistency and routine. Routines and rules help children begin to organize their world and regulate their own emotions; they can be especially helpful for children whose worlds previously felt chaotic. Children are generally more cooperative and secure when they know what to expect.

Preschool children need just a few simple rules to promote child safety and family harmony. From the moment your child joins your family, establish the household routines that will ease everyday life. Routines for meals and bedtime are especially important. Children who were placed in institutions or who had chaotic pasts may take a while to become comfortable with family routines. Children who have been placed in several foster or relative homes will have experienced different rules and expectations in each setting. Be patient when explaining and demonstrating your rules and routines. Be cautious about varying the routines until you are sure your child is used to them and feels secure.

Use Developmentally Appropriate Rewards and Consequences

Children respond better to praise and positive rewards than to scolding or correcting. Preschoolers love being told that they have done something well. Praise reinforces positive behaviors.

Be sure to notice and praise specific behavior. For example: “You did a great job waiting your turn” is more effective than “You’re a good girl.” In fact, nonspecific labels such as “good girl” may backfire with adopted children who were neglected or abused. Their self-esteem may be so low that they cannot believe they are good or worthy.

As preschoolers mature, they begin to see the connection between cause and effect. With this ability, they are ready to learn through both natural and logical consequences. Natural consequences occur without parental intervention. The natural consequence of leaving a toy outside overnight might be that it gets rushy or stolen. Logical consequences are determined by the parent. For example, a logical consequence of running into the street may be to come inside for the rest of the afternoon.

When using logical consequences, it is important to be extra sensitive to a child who has experienced poverty or neglect. For such a child, the loss of a toy might seem so tragic that it interferes with the lesson to be learned. Coach, explain, and give second chances.

Natural and logical consequences work only if your child can understand the connection between actions and consequences. Adjust your discipline strategy to fit your child’s abilities and developmental stage. If your child was prenatally exposed to alcohol, he or she may have extra difficulty understanding the connections between actions and consequences. Work with a knowledgeable therapist or parent coach to develop an appropriate discipline strategy

Use Time In Instead of Time Out

Many parents and teachers of preschoolers like to use a brief period of isolation to help a child regain self-control. This is known as time out. For children who have developed a secure attachment to others, a few minutes of time out are often effective. These kids don’t like to be alone, and they will improve their behavior quickly so that they can rejoin the group. If you use time out for your 3- to 5-year-old, keep it short, and remain in sight of your child.

However, the time out method is not the best approach for children who have been neglected, abused, or institutionalized. The main challenge in parenting these children is to help them form healthy attachments. In these cases, use the time in method. Time in is useful because it avoids distancing kids from parents, playmates, and the rest of the family. When your preschooler’s behavior indicates out-of-control emotions, take him or her aside and say: “Time in. You need to stay right here with me until you are ready to join the group.” Keep the child physically close to you until he or she is calmer. If the child is extremely agitated, you may need to sit him or her securely on your lap. This will send a message of support without the need for a temporary separation. Attending parenting classes or reading parenting books specific to adoption, attachment, or children exposed to trauma also will be helpful.

Summary

The preschool years are the perfect time for adoptive parents to increase their comfort with and sensitivity to adoption issues. These years also play an important part in creating a bond between parent and child based on honesty and trust. With a few adjustments, these early years can provide the foundation for healthy development and a warm and loving parent-child relationship.

Return to Adoption Parenting: Preschool or Adoption Parenting

Resources

Child Welfare Information Gateway. (2009). Parenting Your Adopted Preschooler. Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.