Have needed a break

This reunion business can get a bit heavy and I don't know if this is going to be a phase or whether things will change, but I'm kinda getting on with my life and the whole idea of having a son that appears to be trying to self abort has made my mind shut down and I feel as if all of this 'never happened'. Its a weird feeling. I'm feeling the benefits of working through reunion and the emotions that its brought to my table to address and I'm feeling as if I'm coming out of all this good. The shame of it is, I don't get to feeling its the same for him. My son however (that still sounds weird, as if 30 years nearly has gone under the bridge of time and I'm still finding it hard as a single 51 year something to be thinking of myself as mother, even now. Maybe because when I speak to his amom, she seems to very composed and in control as if she's been a mother all her life and I guess she has. I conversely have been one for ... er.... 22 months. Kinda.) Start again, my son however, is still not working through his pain. I'm not even sure he's facing it, or maybe he is, as after one week, the drinking had stopped but came back with a vengeance and last Saturday when I spoke to his mom, she said that it was wonderful for a week, he was a different person, but now he's back to it (after celebrating his brothers birthday with them, down the pub) and he's making himself ill, the drinking is making him ill and yet he emails me to say that he's working (and drinking) hard... for the money... which I presume he's spending on... drink. Oh yay, help. So, after my sister got a bit bitchy on the phone to me tonight and left me feeling 'well stuff you', I came to the realisation that life actually could be simpler than this. I drew a bin in my diary and put arrows to it and with the word WORRY with a circle drawn around it, I put it in the figurative bin and left it there. I am not prepared to worry about him anymore, or others that are draining me. He has to make choices. He said that he had 'lost the struggle with the booze', so I emailed him back with: [/quote]you haven't lost the fight with the drink, it is a step back, don't dismay, its a war and you are going to have many battles, one you will win, another you may lose, but its the overall war you are out to conquer.... keep goin'... when you are fedup of being your own General, call the AA troops - they know how better to fight it. If it means a difference to you I will come with you to your first or any meeting you want me there... I am sleeping more peacefully at night these days, because I have stopped taking responsibility for the decisions that only he can make. Yes I feel bad about his being raised by someone else, and I saw children today that reminded me of my own feelings about that loss, but like looking into a car's rear view mirror, I just have to focus on the view ahead. If I keep looking in the rear view mirror, I will just crash and its only there as a way of moving forwards, with an occasional glimpse in it, to make sure you keep moving forwards and keep the right pace..... ya know what I mean... So, what decisions will he make? When will he be ready to make them? Will he drink himself into an early grave or will he revive in time? Only he can know this, so as cruel as it sounds, for today anyway (at the time of going to press....) I'm shutting off and going to bed. Sleep well y'all. Something strong has hit me and its quite a good feeling. I'm more in control. I'm pacing my emotions. I'm not freaking out when he does or doesn't call. I have a distraction, someone is becoming important in my life and he sent me a text... would you like to go horse riding with me sometime ....? Kinda nice to get some attention instead of always giving it...