How do you feel about open adoption?

I grew up in a closed adoption. It felt like something was missing. There were unintentional lies that surrounded my adoption and now i am faced with having to deal with a birthmother who can't accept the fact that someone else raised me.

I grew up in a closed adoption and wish that it had been open. My birthmother recently came to my highschool once I turned 18. I tell you that it is extremely traumatic. Also I have realized that my parents lied to me about many elements of my adoption. This situation has left me in counseling for a situation that I never had any control over. No one asked me what I wanted!!! I would advise that honesty is the best policy and that you as the adoptive parents pay very close attention to the identity and security issues your child will have. Also do not forget to acknowledge and validate the fact that your child has lost something even if she is gaining something much greater. At this age she does not understand. Hope this helps!

Hi, I am in the process of an International Adoption, just waiting to travel! YAHOO!!!! Any way I have mixed feelings about open adoption. I believe it is important to have medical info and names of bparents but I do not think that contact with bparents is OK until the adopted child is old enough to make that decision themselves. It seems like it would be very confusing and way to complicated for the children to understand. I also have 2 adopted cousins and they have never wanted to locate their bparents.

This thread was interesting. My partner and I find out if we are selected for two boys tomorrow. It will be a partial open adoption. They have two twin sisters that have been adopted by their foster family. Everyone involved wants to maintain contact between the 4 kids even though they do not have much of a bond. The main reason we want to maintain contact is when our boys get older they will want to know a bit about their families. We have no wish to keep contact with the birth family other than knowing medical history, and I don't think we would be able to get that. Overall I feel that open adoption needs to be an option, and once a child wants to find out more, then they can.

2boys1girl ~ Can't believe I never saw this thread until today. I shared a very similar experience and have the same feelings as Linnie65. I was also raised in a closed adoption. The fact that I had joined my family by adoption and had biological parents, was completely acknowledged, but it was not focused on as it seems to be in some families today. I rarely thought about the fact that I had been adopted or wondered about biological family. I was just a kid that was part of a family ~ no different than any of my friends ~ other than I HAD (past tense) joined my family by adoption. I never had identity or security issues and remember, even as a child, feeling that adoption was about "gain" for me as a child ~ not "loss". Like Linnie65, "knowing what I know now . . . . I am EXTREMELY happy that I did not have an open adoption". After reading many posts on this forum, if I were to adopt, I would choose semi-open adoption where letters/pictures would be exchanged through a third party without the child even being aware of the communication until age/maturity appropriate. This would hopefully alleviate the pain of a bioparent wondering what happened to the relinquished child ~ is the child alive and well ~ while allowing the child to grow up as I did. If, when the child becomes an adult, if contact is desired, contact information would be available. Agree, as a parent, it is your duty to protect your child. My biomother had many issues and behaviors that would have not been a positive influence on my life or my family. I did not learn any of this until a couple years ago and my parents never were aware of it. I'm very grateful that I did not know the truth about my beginnings or biomother while I was a child or impressionable young adult. I may have felt that it somehow reflected on me. By the time I learned of it I was mature enough to know that it had nothing to do with me or who I am. I would personally keep in touch with the grandmother with letters and pictures. While an actual relationship may not be "harmful", it could lead to more questions and issues than is necessary for your daughter to deal with ~ as well as her half-brother ~ as they are growing up. I was personally involved with a bmother that chose an open adoption in the mid-eighties. The bmother and a child she was raising had frequent visits with the afamily and the child/half-sibling for several years. The lifestyles were extremely different and the child bmother was raising grew increasingly jealous and depressed at the opportunities given to the biohalf-sibling that were not available to bmother and child. Many times there were outbursts of "Why didn't you let me be adopted too? The child that was adopted became very resentful of the visits. The adults eventually changed it to a yearly exchange of letters and pictures with the option of phoning or visits if either ~ or the children ~ desired. It actually seemed to take pressure off everyone and BOTH children were happier. The bmother recently told me that as the relinquished child will soon be eighteen it is no longer the responsibility of the adults only and this will be the last year they exchange letters and pictures. If the "child" wants to keep in touch with her it's now up to the "child" ~ or if the half-siblings want contact they can do that on their own also. This bmother continues to be at peace with her decisions/choices and is grateful for the life that her relinquished child has lived. While the child she raised is doing okay, the mother does have regrets that she did not have the advantages of her half-sibling. Obviously, not all situations are similar but this is one that I have knowledge of. Again, knowing what I know now about the life my biohalf-siblings led ~ I could see a similar situation if there had been an attempt to have a relationship between us. Best of Luck with whatever direction you choose for you and your daughter. :)

Hi--I realize this is an old thread, but I just found it and thought it was an interesting topic. :) I have a little different perspective than others posted (I think, unless I missed one!). I am an adult adoptee of an open adoption...well basically. I was in foster care, and joined my "forever family" at age 7. I continued to have visits and share holidays with bmom and family. This was not healthy for me. Now, since I know them, I wouldn't change things, because I love them and wouldn't denounce them. However, I would not want this for my child. I am adopting 2 boys internationally, and a large part of the reason was that we felt (no statistics here) that the majority of bmoms desire open adoptions. My open adoption did cause confusion, and hurt on both sides of my family, and I, the child, was stuck in the middle. From not knowing what to call my amom to my bmom and vise versa, to coming home from christmas with presents my siblings didn't get, to feeling awkward at my graduation and later at my wedding. --Who sat in the front row? Both?--don't think so, and who would lite the candles?--it worked out, but just little stuff like that which is stressfull and adds up over the years. I never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings, so it was often hard. I feel, and maybe their are other adoptees that had a relationship with bmom prior to adoption, that the child always holds the most loyalty to the bmom. It's something I almost can't explain. I always felt the need to protect her, even as a child. It was like I was the parent and she was the child...even to this day. Dealing with that fact that you're adopted affects children by itself--it's just something you have to come to terms with and become comfortable with. So to add a lot of stress and worry and confusion to an already "affected" child doesn't seem fair. I agree, that if the child as an adult adoptee wants to find the bmom/parents, it would be great to have that information readily available, ie, keep identifying info at time of adoption. But otherwise, IMHO, I feel an open adoption is more beneficial for the bmom than the child, at least for me.I also realize that every family dynamic is very different. Please do not be offended my thoughts!! This is only my personal experience as an openly adopted child.

I am an adoptee and my adoption was closed. I wish that mine had been open. for one thing i'm not very close to my adoptive parents so i think if it was open i would be able to talk to them more about it. Also, i have a ton of questions that i wish could be answered. Its overwhelming sometimes and i think any information at all would have helped that.

pea06- I appreciate your thoughts from an open-adoption point of view. Mine was a closed adoption but I always thought that if I were in an open adoption instead, I would have feelings just like yours. I think that its important for any potential adoptive parent to heavily weigh the pros and cons of both closed and open adoptions before they make such a decision for their child...a child who already has had so many life-altering decisions made for him or her. The statement you made about open adoption being more beneficial for the birthmother than the child hit the nail on the head. Though many parties are involved in adoption and though a birthmother may love an open adoption it may cause the child to feel torn and conflicted as each side vies for the child's loyalty. That's a lot of stress to put on a child. As an adult, with loyalties already in place...introducing a possible relationship with a birthfamily is, though by no means easier, is maybe healthier. The obvious reason that closed adoption is better-to me- is that as an adult having contact with a birthmother, or birthfamily is optional. The adoptee finally has a choice. Some adoptees don't want contact and some long for it or at least desire information on their background. Which ever the case, may it be made with an educated mind and a discerning heart of what is best in the long-run. How can an a parent forsee how their child will feel as an adult. Let adult decisions be made by adults...adoption is hard enough the way it is.

I would have preferred semi-open adoption, I think that I would have had some trouble with open due to some problems I had as a teen. I might have thrown it in my parents face that I had other parents that loved me. I also think I would have manipulated the situation to my benefit. Selfish as I was I would have found a way to use it for my own benefit. No open would not have been good for my relationship with my parents my teenage years were really bad. I also have some underlying genetic issues that would have played a part. Just my situation, and thoughts on my adoption. andi

fascinating. we've been going around about similar topics at my blog [url]www.adoptingemma.blogspot.com[/url]Glad to hear another perspective....figured anyone spending too much time on these boards and who is miserable should probably get off them and start living a happier life. ackkk

I too am interested in reading about this. We are involved with a closed adoption (that is not yet finalized). Because of the circumstances, however, I was able to meet the bparents twice and we know their full names. Plus, we got their full medical history (or at least what they know so far). I have no plans to lie to our son about his bparents, and if he asks me to search for them, I'm happy to comply. (I see that as a sign we are doing a good job at parenting.) Are there any other things that aparents in my situation can do to make a closed adoption any easier on my son (while still protecting the bparents' desire for privacy)?

I can understand your feelings. I am an a-parent of a 2 1/2 year old girl that looks absolutely nothing like us (except me as a child...kinda funny actually), but anyway... We didn't have an open adoption as b-mom was out of the picture from the beginning and they had an idea of bdad, but not sure. I do wish I had more information for my daughter as I fear she may grow thinking the same as you did. A friend of ours had a now 16 year old a-son that they plan family vacations with his b-mom every year and she attends some of his school functions. It seems to really work for them... I guess it depends on the situation, but I sure wish I had a chance to get to know b-mom/dad for personality and family history reasons. Missy

As an amom, I find this thread very interesting. Most of you are either from closed or open adoptions. We are in a semi-open with our son's bmom. Twice each year we send letters and photos, through the agency, but no direct contact. This seems to work for all of us. I wish his bmom would send more letters or photos to us. Over 6 years, she has sent only 2 letters, the last announcing that she has had another child who she chose to parent. (I refrain from the word "keep.") Has anyone else been part of a semi-open? If so, how was that experience?

Just an observation, but it seems to me that wanting or not wanting an open adoption from an adoptees perspective is directly related to the "Emotional Healthiness" of the birthparent. I would imagine that finding a well adjusted and stable birthparent as an adult adoptee would change one's perspective of openess. Just a thought.

Exactly, Heather. Great thought and my thought as well on that. I am currently in semi-open adoptions with both my daughter's afamilies and would like them to become more open in the future. I'm trying to see if I can get the adoption relationships to become more open in the future.Right now, I e-mail with both afamilies, but we send pictures and gifts through an agency right now. With my 2 yr old. they have left it open for me to e-mail and/or send them pictures or gifts at any time I'd like to throughout the years. My 2 yr old's aparents send me home movies of my 2 yr old a few times a year or more plus e-mails. I like the way my relationship is currently with both my 2 yr old and 8 1/2 mo old's afamilies, but would also like more openness if possible because I have arrived at a much healthier place emotionally and such for myself in the past year. With my 8 1/2 mo. old, we're doing e-mail and sending pictures and gifts through the agency also. The agreement we talked about so far for after she turns a year old, is to keep doing e-mails, pics and gifts, but to go to doing them only about 3 times a year - Mother's Day, Her Bday and Christmas. I'm still hoping to have things change to more openness in the near future though, if it is at all possible. I have discussed more openness with my 8 1/2 mo old's aparents, but they have declined for the present time because they don't think it's the best choice for them right now so I respect that. But I'm not giving up either. I have yet to discuss more openness with my 2 yr old's aparents. Anne :p