Tell me about your open adoption

All three of our kids have different levels of openess with their birthfamilies. originally I sent photos every other month the first year to our oldest and middle son's birthparents then twice a year. We have never had direct contact with them after placement (their choice) However, we now have contact with my oldest son's birthsister and grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins etc...We went to their family reunion and they have come to soccer games, today we picked up birthsister (16 yrs. old) and took her and our son to get a picture together for the birthfamily (especially the Grandma) for Christmas. My middle son sees his birthgrandma once or twice a year. She is somewhat stand offish, we are not sure why. She ususally calls around his birthday and always saves her older grandson's good used clothes for the boys. My daughter's adotpion is fully open with her birthmom. We talk to her frequently and see her about once a month on average. She is still pretty young and now has another daughter. Our relationship is difficult to describe, my husband and I are sort of like an Aunt and Uncle to her. We have babysat her little one and taken her to the pedicatrician, we have had birthmom stay here overnight. She has called for advice about the baby and other things. All of my kids call their birthparents by their first names. The grandparents are Grandma and Grandpa and Aunts and Uncles are just that. We did not start out with any openess with our first adoption other than pictures and letters. All relationships have just developed with time. Good luck with your open adoption! Becky

There's a great book called How to Open an Adoption: A guide for parents and birthparents of minors by Patricia Dorner. It is a wonderful resource.

Our is an open adoption, but ds is only 4-1/2 mos, so it is still new to us too. They also live in another state. Ours was open from the beginning, so we visited while waiting for ICPC. Since then we have kept in touch with e-mails and phone calls. Emails are pretty regular. Phone calls were every week or other week, but BMom has moved out of her mom's house recently so she's not as easy to reach. We have an account with Shutterfly that we update regularly with digital pics of ds. Whenever we add more we alert the bmom and bgma (and our extended family out of state too). We've tried to send out hard copies of pics every 2 mos. We are about to try Yahoo IM with a web cam tonight so they can see ds. Now at 4 mos he's become so interesting and we don't want them to miss it. We also have a camcorder and plan to cut a DVD from the tape. We were able to take part in an adoption study thanks to our agency, and the bmom is being paid for her interview. She's going to use the money for a plane ticket to visit us the weekend before Christmas. We are so excited about that. Some time at the beginning of next year, she and her mom are hoping to move w/in a few hours of us. Once they do we will be able to visit much more frequently. The way we wrote up the open adoption agreement, it can be as frequently as every 3 weeks for the 1st year (after not seeing him the first 6 mos, she wants to make up some time & we understand), at request of the bmom. All visits have to be asked for and agreed upon in advance by both parties. After the 1st year it will drop to every other month, (excluding special events). As for names - the bmom is Momma "K" and bgma is "Mimi". The aunt and cousins are suposed to be brought in after the move (also live in the area moving to) and will be Aunt X, etc. As for bdad, the match and birth were within 2-1/2 weeks f eac other, so he stayed out of it with the request for pics and possible relationship later. We've sent pics, and he contacted us almost immediately afterward. Have talked a number of times, and he seems to be a very nice young man. By considence he is living in our state, fairly close by. Hope to meet him soon, but he's been shy about interupting our family time. Good luck with your relationship. I second the Open Adoption Experince book from Lois Melina.

Our open agreement called for - pictures and letters four times a year for the first 5 years, then twice a year until 18, visits twice a year. The first year we really stuck to that, all of us cautious to not overstep any boundaries. Now three years later, we call when we have something to share, we visit when we can, we send pictures when we develop them. It just kind of developed into what it is now, and it is so much more sincere. We know everybody is keeping in touch because they want to, not because a piece of paper says we should. Last month, we visited with the kids bmom several times, this month we have only spoken a few times. I think you should try to let the relationship develop naturally........ And CONGRATULATIONS!

We have an open adoption for our first son. We signed a legal agreement stipulating six visits a year. We started out with three visits in the first six weeks, but then started visiting about every-other month. Now it is less formal--we call and set up times to visit, or they (they being his bmom or bgrandma) call and ask for a visit. When he was two, we started having some overnight visits. He'll go to his bgrandma's house and his bmom will stay over. While there, they'll usually get together with his aunts, uncles, cousins and great grandparents. They all live about a half-hour away from us. He's five now and I think we are having three or four overnights a year, plus various other day or afternoon gatherings. For our second foster/adopt son, we are likely to have a much less open adoption. Not our choice, but circumstances dictate it. If his mom is around and can be found and is interested, we will have some face-to-face visits--but through and at the agency. I am hoping, that once we finalize (should be within the month), we can establish some contact with her parents. They live in another state--so it will most likely be just letters and pictures. I have always been committed to open adoption and believe that it is the best for our son--but I will also say it hasn't always been easy. There are times when feelings are harder--especially during the first year. Now, it is a very easy, very good relationship and well worth it.

Our adoption is very open and we feel so lucky to have been able to maintain a close relationship with our son's birthmother's family. Our son's birthdad has pulled away in the past few years by his choice, mainly because he seems to not be working in an area he's very proud of. We love the contact we have with both birthparents. Initially, we thought we'd want to meet and not have much contact after that, but when our son was born, our openness just naturally grew. I think we were all very surprised how comfortable we did and do still feel together. We've shared a wedding (birthgrandmother's) together, birthmom's graduation and so many other special times. They live several hours away so we don't get as many visits as we'd like, but the closeness and love means so much. We call of our son's birthfamily by their first names. Interestingly, in THEIR lives much of our son's extended birthfamily (new stepgrandfather and his family, etc.) don't know how we are related and their privacy is something we are careful to honor. When our daughter was in our son's birthgrandmother's wedding (with our son's birthmom), we realized that many of their relatives didn't know that she had placed a baby in adoption. I've had to learn in the past year that I have to be careful to not get mushy and emotional when I tell our son's birthmom how much we love her, as she feels sad at times about it all as she has grown up. She's now 22; was 15 when he was born. She's very clear with me that she only wants him to be with us, but that when I pull her heartstrings, it hurts too much. Openness has many components, I've learned We are waiting for another adoption now and want so much to have a full open relationship again but are trying to be realistic that it'll be different no matter what. To our son, he only knows what is natural to him, with their photos, visits and his full story always being part of his life. ("Who was your mommy before you were born?" and so much more.) We'll again be fully open with our baby as s/he grows up, but will have to wait and see the level of openness we're able to foster with a new family.

Ours is a fully open integrated adoption - pretty much the opposite of closed. Because we live in different states, we visit Ryan's birth state once a year, and whenever any of his birth family is in town, they visit us. We talk on the phone about once a month, and usually send pictures every 6-8 weeks or whenever we get them developed. Ryan calls them "Bema" and "Beda" - names he came up with himself that we all like. Other than that we don't distinguish between birth and adoptive relative's Aunt T (birth aunt) and Aunt Tre (adoptive aunt) are equal. I've found "Raising Adopted Children" and "The Open Adoption Experience" most helpful. Both are by Lois Molina. Also, I remember always that what we do, we do for our son, so he has as complete a history as any child who would have been born to us biologically. Besides, we really like his bfamily. Does this help? Regina

I really appreciate all the responses. Not quite sure what to think at this point. Addy's bmom is going through post partum depression and isn't sure how much contact she wants. I haven't talked to her directly since last Friday. I called her once since then and left a message, she hasn't called back. She has a more experienced counselor on her case now plus she is seeing her psychiatrist weekly so I guess I just wait until things settle out a bit. I certainly don't want to make things harder for her right now but if having communication with me would ease some of her sadness, I hope she doesn't hesitate to call. Please keep her in your prayers - she is a really special person to us. thanks again, Martha

HI all, I am a grandma praying for an open relationship with her AParents like you speak of here. We are having our first meeting DEc 6th, I get to see my Grandaughter, (my son is the father). Does anyone have any advice of things to say or not to say, I want this so much to grow into more visits with the baby and her aparents. I'm afraid we will say or do something wrong. Excited and Nervous, I get to see my grandaughter soon.

Ours is a fully open adoption. But more than that, it has become a true friendship by people who share a love of a child. We talk daily. We visit every couple of months (though they live seven hours away). D (Munchkin's Mom) will be a bridesmaid in my wedding next month. It only works because we communicate.

We have three open adoptions with various levels of openess with the birthfmamilies. we have always had a relationship with our middle son's birthgrandparents (paternal) They have been very standoffish and reluctant to be really involved in his life. Our daughter's birthgandpa is great. We just recently met our oldest son's birthgrandma. As an aparent my advice would be to be honest about what you hope will develop. I would state things in general terms so as not to overwhelm them at first. I would let them know how much it means to you to be in your Grandchild's life. Make sure that they know you are aware that they are your Grandchild's parents and that you will respect this. Also, if they have other children, make sure you include them. My daughter's b-grandpa always plays with the boys too and my son's b-grandma always sends hand me downs for both boys and something for our daughter too. As others have said, communication is the key. Open adoption is a wonderful thing, as long as all parties keep in mind that it is for and about the child. Like others here, we have been lucky to develop some friendships along the way as well. Often times at first, everyone is trying not to step on toes and does not know what to expect or what others expect of them. Like any new relationship it takes time. Good luck, what a lucky Grandbaby you have that gets so many people to love her! Becky

Hi, We have a very open relationship with our daughters birth mother. She lives a few hours away and we will try to get together at least a few times a year and she is coming to our home Saturday for her first time. We are having a Late Thanksgiving early Christmas dinner. Our daughter is only 14mon but she will call her by her first name. Merts

We live within an hour's drive from both sides of our child's birthfamilies. I communicate regularly with my child's birthmother and occassionally with the birthfather, but for visits we all get together. We visit about every two to three months. We get together with both grandmothers less often, as well as other extended family members. I communicate directly with my child's paternal birthgrandmother, but not much with the maternal birthgrandmother since email isn't her thing (though we do exchange notes to eachother via snail mail sometimes). When we do get together it's in different places, our home, their homes, parks, and other kid activities. I send pictures monthly, also through Shutterfly. Monthly was our agreement and shutterfly has been a huge time saver for me. That's the logistical side of our open adoption,on the emotional side they are our friends, but for me my child's birthmother is very much the sister I never had. The birthfahter also feels like a brother to me. With our age diffrence we walk a funny line between feeling paternal with them, and feeling like their peers. I often have to listen to that little voice in my head and tell myself to shut up when I start giving unsolicitated advice, but I'm guessing that's pretty much how it'd be if they were my younger siblings. Husband and I often talk about how we look forward to seeing where they go in life, and we hope we and our child will be fortunate to be a part of their big moments in life. Hailey's Grandma, Each of our child's birth grandmothers dealt with their feelings with us in different ways. My child's paternal birthgrandmother was very open with me about how hard it was, but let me know how much she cared for us and how happy she was we were all going to be in eachother's lives. She has also called both of us mom and dad from day one- this has meant the world to us, especially to me. She has validated our role as our child's mom and dad everytime we are together. If baby fussed, she never hesitated to come find me and either hand baby to me, or say, "Look there's mommy." My child's maternal birthgrandmother keeps her emotions inside. She is warm and friendly, but is not comfortable sharing. It has been a struggle for her to call us mom and dad, infact it took a year for her to call me mom. She also had a hard time letting baby come to me when baby fussed. I have noticed, however, she underestimates both my ability and her daughter's ability to calm baby. The mom and dad thing makes more difference than I could have ever imagined. I let a few tears go when I finally heard it from her. For a long time I have believed she saw us as the nice people caring for her grandchild, not the mom and dad, just some nice folks. We have yet to hear our child's birthparents call us mom and dad, it took a year for them to use the word parents, and it was music to our ears. We know both of these wonderful women have a had a very hard time. We feel very blessed to have them involved, and never imagined when we started this journey we would be so fortunate. As said before, relationships take time and communication. Martha, I'm excited for you and hope you are able to develop a relationship. It does sound like there is a lot going on for your child's birthmother. Keep in mind, on top of things going on in her life, she may need to move at a different pace than you. It's hard not to be enthusiastic, I know, but try not let your pace be your guide for how she feels, whether or not she's pulling back etc. Communicate, communicate, so important.

Thank you so much for your replies. The day is getting closer. I wrote the AParents a letter a couple of months ago, I thanked them for being her Mommy and Daddy, for loving her and providing the life for her my son is not able. I truly meant every word of that. How did the birthparents deal with calling you Mommy and Daddy, I don't have a problem with that, that is what the AParents are, but I still want to be called Grandma, my son wants to be a part of her life, as much as will allow him, I guess I just need to talk to him about how he feels, and how he should address them. Any other advice would be greatly appreciated. I want so very much for our open adoption to grow as yours has. I want so much to be a part of my granddaughters life. God Bless Stephanie

My son is almost 7. We brought him home when he was 2 days old after being present at his birth. We have a VERY open adoption. Devin calls her Amy. We are really more like extended family now -- her family and ours treat each other as relatives. Devin has always known that he was adopted - we just told him that Amy was too young (17) to take care of him and that God sent us to be his Mom and Dad. Prior to the delivery, Amy and her mom came to my showers, I went to her OB/GYN appt. and we shopped together (nothing like shopping to bring women closer - LOL!) I find myself treating Amy like an adult (well, of course she IS an adult now) but I've always thought of her like a daughter but I treat her as an equal. I need to mention that I'm her Mom's age. I think that a child can never have too many people to love him or her. I've just always tried to put myself in her shoes. Before our adoption was finalized, I knew that if it was terminated, the only way I could keep my sanity would be if I could still see my son. How could I ask her to do any less? God bless you for keeping the option open. You'll do fine and your child will be doubly blessed! Cindy