Secretive Search

Thank you Mont for having compassion for your son's adoptive parents. It is so deceiving to keep a secret like the one your birthson is keeping. It causes MORE pain when the adoptive parents find out. How sad that he feels he cannot be open and honest with his parents. It hurts me deeply to hear this. Thankfully my daughter told me when she decided to meet her birthparents. It was extremely hard to deal with because of the many emotions we adoptive parents go through but I got through it for the most part. To me it feels like abuse. I lovingly cared for my child for many years and he/she does not respect us enough to be open and honest. love4

Can I ask you adoptive parents a question? As you can read below on an earlier post I told my mother that I was searching. You'll notice I said my mother because she is and always will be no matter what! I got what I think was a strange reaction but maybe it's not. I was adopted through a private adoption. My b-mother placed me with my a-mom in a day care situation apparently planning on keeping me. She then just sort of drifted away and didn't show up for about a month. Then called one day to say that she was placing me for adoption and the rest as they say is history. When I told my mom that I was searching for my b-mom she freaked out and started telling me "I didn't take you away from her." She repeated this every time we spoke about it for awhile. My question is...can you understand her reaction? Can someone explain it to me? I never accused her of taking me away from my bio-mom. Is this a normal feeling for adoptive parents? Is there some sort of guilt or something associated with adopting a baby? She's been doing another weird thing for the past year that feels really cruel to me, but I don't believe that's her intent. She's started telling me that she used to have a letter from my b-mom that she wrote after the adoption thanking her for taking me. Well she told me about this letter and I really want it! She keeps bringing it up but says "someday I'll go look and find it. My b-mom is dead can you imagine what holding that peice of paper in my hands would mean to me? I will probably never know if I look like her but I could see if out handwriting is similar. That may sound strange to everyone else but it would be the only peice of her I would ever have (she was cremetated by the way). Why does she keep bringing it up and not looking for it? Would appreciate any insight you might be able to provide. Thanks

My thought would be to ask her why she says those things. I do understand why that letter would be important to you. Ask her. Tell her your feelings. love4

I think in your case this is an appropriate response. But coming from an adoptee ~ I too felt emotionally abused for many years because I was never permitted/encouraged to talk about my being adopted. I felt like they were hiding something from me. When I rumaged thru a drawer in my parent's closet, I found my baby book. It had nothing written in it except for my name. No answers there either. :( And that was what I was looking for....answers. Nobody had answers!! Don't know where I'm going with this. I've had a lot going on in the last 24 hrs....just need to get some crap off my chest.

Very understandable tricia. I was open with all my girls about adoption. They were free to ask me anything and I would give them all I knew. I could not live a lie. I understand how it could feel like abuse to you. Years ago it was told to be a secret. I could not live like that. Now it is out in the open and there is problems with that also. What is better? I wonder sometimes. love4

Newlyorphaned, I was thinking about your question. Maybe your Mom wants to make sure you know that your birthmom initiated the pplacement. We brought our son home when he was 11 months from his foster family. We came and got him. They gave him to us and we went home. I want to make sure he understands all about the adoption when he gets older. I can see why he may think we stole him. From a child's view, it may seem like that. Also he was very sad to leave his foster home and I did feel very badly for causing him this huge grief. About the letter, I think she told you about it so she would have to give it to you. Maybe it is hard so she has to take time to do it. Sometimes when I want to do something but finding the time is hard, I keep saying "I need to do this" and then I get it done. Just some thoughts.

"which is worse?" Good question. Seems like no matter which you have closed or open, there will be issues. I do not intend on ever adoptiong, I have 3 beautiful boys, I'm done. But if I were, I would hope that I could gather as much info as humanly possible on the child's parents (pictures, medical history, personal history, hobbies etc) and when I felt they were ready and expressed interest, then I would give them everything I had and then pray like H#*LL , that would be enough to satisfy them. I often thought that had my parents had the answers to my questions, then maybe I would not have had to go out and find them. Because honestly, this reunion stuff isn't all it's cracked up to be. Too many feelings that I simply can not find a place for. But not knowing wasn't an option. I'm curious as to what agencies tell parents that adopt, about how to handle the possibility of reunion. My parents were told it was not and never would be possible for me to learn anything. Mom was quite upset when she found out differently. As I mentioned before, I searched w/out her knwledge.

My two oldest (29 and 26) were adopted as infants and there was no talk on reunion because they were my children now and the adoption was closed. They did mention that my girls may want to search for info. I should have been prepared for what it feels like to be adopted. My youngest two were adopted through foster care at age 11 and 12. There was very little talk or preparation on reunion. These two girls were placed with me 5 and 7 years ago. As I walk this road I learn for myself by listening to the pain of my girls and I understand. I have read books and learned myself. The agency should prepare adoptive parents more. They did give me a life book for each girl and I have tons of info. I give a little when they ask. It does help them and sometimes they don't even read the little I do give. They are satisfied. It took some of the fantasy out of my youngests mind. It's hard tricia. Hard for all. I pray in time you find a place for all your feelings. I appreciate your posts. You bring more understanding to adoption. love4

Thanks Dianna! That was my birth mother's name! I hope that all you adoptive mother's out there know that our desire to search dosn't have anything to do with our love for you. I love my adoptive mother and she truely is my mother and even if my birth mother were alive and we met she would never replace the role of my mother. Praise to all of you who talk openly with your adopive children there's a saying that secrets keep us sick and I think the fact that it was a taboo subject made it a bigger deal than it is. Hope that helps.

I always told my daughter I would help her find her b-relatives if she wanted me to...she did come to me one day(she was 21, married and had one child) and we found them easily and met many of them less than a week later...my daughter seemed to be worried about hurting our feelings and I kept assuring her that we were fine...and we were fine...until the day she disappeared leaving her husband of three years and all her adoptive relatives to live in the neighborhood she would have lived in if she had not been removed by S.S. and out in foster care until adopted by us at age five. Was it because she left or that she left with no good bye or explanation??? not sure but ever since contact has been minimal...she was hard to contact for months...she said she didn't deserve our love and I only came back with you will always have our love...it has been a complicated time for all involved... good luck to you...if I have learned anything it is this...IT IS COMPLICATED...prepare yourself...HUGS

Hi! I am an adult adoptee who has taken on a search for my birthparents in secret. I, too, did not tell my adoptive parents just like your daughter. I don't know if my advice will be of much help to you, but I can assure you that the reason she isn't telling you is because she loves you so much. My adoptive parents were like you. They always told me they would support me if I searched. However, now that the time is here, I just can't tell them. I am sooooo scared of hurting them because they have been so wonderful. I did find my birth mother this past weekend and she is very nice. She told me she would like to see pictures and know all about me, but has no intentions of trying to take my parents place. She wants to meet them to thank them for doing such an amazing job raising me. I really could use some advice from you on how to tell them without hurting them. Also, maybe you could just tell your daughter you know. It might take the stress off of her so she doesn't have to worry about how to tell you. Ever since this weekend, I have just been sick about all of this. I feel like I'm cheating on my aparents, but I had to search. I live 5 hours away, so unless I plan on waiting, I will have to tell them by phone and I don't know if that is a nice thing to do or not. If you get this, could you private message me with any advice you have? Just remember that your daughter must love you an awful lot and is probably very worried about your feelings! Take Care Christine

Just as an adoptee wants to know the truth, so do I. I would rather have it hurt and work through it than feel deceived when I find out later. I would feel like a fool. A relationship going on behind my back. As in like an affair. I struggled very much in the beginning. Probably what adoptees are afraid of. But little by little I have worked through it. Even though it is scary I understand the need to search. I know there is such stress on searching and the reunion for an adoptee and you don't want added stress of telling your a/mom but in the long run I think it is better to tell the truth right from the beginning. I told my girls from the time they were infants that they were adopted. I would like the same respect. I could not live a lie.

It is the secretive aspect which is troubling.My own adopted daighter did the same thing at 26yrs old.I was only told years later that she had located her birthmom and has some limited contact with her.That's all she would ever say.Now, becuase she is recently engaged at 35 yrs old, I am shocked to learn that only the birthmom and her extended family are to be part of the wedding.I have been totally replaced and no longer have a daughter. After all of the struggle and sacrifice to raise her, I feel so resentful that the birth mother can enjoy a relationshp with the young woman I raised and does not know that until recently my adopted daighter had contact with me. I guess the secrecy ran both directions.I don't think it has anything at all to do with sparing hurt feelings. I think that it is more a case of fantasy of seeking the perfuct mother who carries none of the knowledge, history or memories of the difficult teenage years.I hope your daughter will tell you of her search and with all my heart, I hope that you are not replaced as I was by a reunion.

as hard as it is...it is good to read that others are going through the SAME thing... being replaced...being abandoned....adoptive parents who are being replaced have a right to feel hurt and rejected and confused and downright miserable.. BUT there is a light at the end of the tunnel...in my case I have moved on and am in a better place...i don't think about what I am missing any more...but it took a longgggg time to get here and what got me through was someone emailing me who is in the same sad situation...these emails are what have gotten me through this and still continue to... keep reaching out...you ARE NOT ALONE!! hugs

I feel like my daughter was searching for that "PERFECT" mom also. She found her!! How wonderful they have the same interests and do everything together! In the beginning the pain was so overwhelming I cried all the time. My tears are less now. I am moving on. I gave my all, took all her abuse and loved her still and she walks out with not much of a look back. She plays on my emotions and up and down I go. Not so much anymore. You can't make someone love you. Hurts a lot.