Bill + Adoptive Parents = "Second Class" Parents?

that's what's so positive about a binding agreement. Each one of us has the opportunity to ask to go to mediation, where we meet face to face and discuss things like adults. If that doesn't work out, we can then ask the courts to either support the document or ask them to modify the document. either one can ask for a modification, bparent or aparent. What it means is that we have to talk, and I can't imagine the wrong in that. I can't imagine aparents forcing bparents to do something, especially if they have to discuss the particulars with a mediator! If aparents feel the agreement isn't working out as written, they can ask for modification of the agreement. If the scenario plays out as you say, then the aparents can ask that contact stop for a while, to be resumed later if it works. It just means that as aparents we can't arbitrarily close the adoption. That's a positive in my book. And if I want to know why a bparent has closed the adoption and won't talk to me, I can use mediation to try and explain why that course of action isnt the best for dd (though I suspect i'd find it hard to do so, knowing what I know about dd's bparents). this is a great security blanket if you will for our bdad, but also for me and I hope for dd. CA's law is meant to be flexible, not a club over the head. It will be interesting to see how it plays out in the near future.

Jessica, I think this sentiment is what strikes fear in the hearts of many open adoption advocates (but especially birthparents). It's not okay to back out of an agreement, legal or otherwise, because someone is not "comfortable". I'm not comfortable when my undies ride up on me; that idea is just too wimpy. I DO support that all parties be held to the agreement equally, but there has to be evidence of greater hardship than someone just not feeling comfortable. Would those really be words one could say to a child later in life .... "sorry, you don't have a relationship with your birthfamily because I didn't feel comfortable."

plareb is right, it's got to be more than discomfort and you can't be arbitrary about it. Exactly what is not comfortable and what can we do to make it more comfortable? this question needs to be asked and will be by a mediator, if not the other parties involved. adoption, in a sense like many situations in life including being in a stepparenting situation, requires more of you. (this is not to say that open adoption is like step parenting in any other respect). I think it's great to be concerned about others, what they need, how it comes across. If only folks would talk more - i find it difficult to see any negative in explaining why a parent feels the way they do, bparent or aparent. Personally I have major difficulties with my inlaws, but i deal with them because they are a part of my husband's life. While i really like my dd's bfamilies, particularly her bmom's family, even if I didn't I would deal with them because they are a part of my daughter's life. To have my daughter in my life means that she comes with other family and that's fine with me. It's not just about me and my comfort (though frankly life would be way easier for me if it were ;) ).

Instead of legally binding open adoption agreements, I wonder if they have considered legal binding semi-open adoption agreements. I think that would work much better. If the parties want more contact that is on them, but the minimum they must do is agree to photo's once a year mailed to their agency. If aparents do not provide these photo's, then maybe something along the lines of having the agencies being able to obtain a copy of the school photo. At least with legally enforced semi-open the bparent can at least see a picture of the child, the parties will be able to have contact between them, and the discomfort level is reduced. Just thinking about this. :confused:

2boyz1girl: Great response. I couldn't have said it better myself. davidked: I too am confused by your questions. I would love to see the response you would have gotten had you asked the same questions, but about the adoptive parents instead.

Thanks! :D

lol. sorry. I am confused myself. I understand the intellectual arguments concerning this issue and in fact I have argued them myself on this thread. However, there is an emotional side of this whole issue for me that I cannot reconcile logically. So, instead on making an argument I simply asked some questions :) I guess I just have a really hard time with the thought or discussion of repercussions to a birthparent for breaking an open agreement. I find it shocking and I dont understand it at all. It seems so foreign to me and it makes me think, "Geez. What more can they give?" As someone who broke off contact for a long time and as someone who's son's bmom broke off contact and who still refuses contact I take a bit of this personally, even if we didnt have an sort of open agreement with the aparents. Leigh's comment of, "Anyone who sees this as an ok thing is selfish, immature and completely irresponsible" really upsets me even though her position is a completely valid one to take. I take her comment as a direct comment on me and the bmom. Athough she is most likely right, I understand why a birthparent would do it and, unlike her, I have an impossible time judging them for it. Hi 2boyz1girl, The whole adoption is about terminating a birthparents right to have a say in anything and about giving the aparents the right to have a say in everything. Why couldnt the bparents have one thing where they had the right. My emotional response to that - Lose everything. Lose your family and your friends completely (not just have them think you are strange for sticking around). Lose your child. Spend years on the verge of death. Spend 12 years of terrible pain without an ounce of support. Spend years trying to get your life back together. Then, if you need to walk away I am cool with that. It is not justified. I never said it was. Some walk away because they really have no choice. Wow. That is BIG shot at me but I will answer anyway. Does it matter? Why would you even ask? What the heck do you think led me to this site? It matters more than anything. I love my son (and my 2 daughters) more than life and there is nothing I wouldn't do for him. I would die for him in a second (but I have been through much worse for him). Every instinct tells me to run away again. But, for him, I do not and I have promised him and myself that I would not. I haven't asked him much and the communication is slow. The last letter was the first time I have ever asked him anything of consequence and he came back with his parent's divorce. I still havent written him back since that letter as I am just not sure what to say.

David... I think that you need to remember that YOU did NOT sign a legally binding open adoption agreement. In fact, correct me if I am wrong....but wasnt your adoption intended to be closed? I think any contact with you is a HUGE bonus...no strings attached. THAT is the circumstances I was referring to. If a birthparent sat down and told me that they wanted ME to uphold this agreement, but would take no responsibility in it themselves, I would NOT sign with them. Even if that jeopardizes the match. If they insist that my signing was the only way for the match to work out, then I would have to decline the match. I have no problems with birthparents needing time....I have no expectations on my son's birthparent. We set out some guidelines, but they were very LOOSE...and we have let our relationship grow on its own...IF she stopped contacting me, I would be ok... I would understand. That does not mean that i would stop sending pics and contacting her family, we are ALL involved in this. But I would not judge her for needing to heal. I HOPE that our relationship is strong enough for her to let me know what SHE needs. Do you see the difference? I certainly DO. Leigh

David, I just want you to know that you have been heard. I don't think dragging birthparents into court to enforce visitation or contact agreements is the answer. I just feel that cementing a lifelong relationship in an eforceable legal document within a matter of months, or more often much less than that, at a highly emotional time is a recipe for pain and suffering for all parties involved. Perhaps adoption contact agreements should be codified to evolve, with communication between the parents (directly or through mediation, whatever suits the parties involved) along the way. Maybe the best way to set it up is to establish the schedule of the agreement maintenance. Have the first year be set up for what the birthparent can handle within the bounds of what the aparents can support. It's not going to hurt the child to have irregular contact during that time, and the adoptive parents should be able to be adaptable as long as there's an end in sight for further negotiation. Then at the end of that year, parties communicate again as to what the next phase of expectations are based on lessons learned and how the relationship has progressed thus far. It's a balancing act ... trying to figure out just how much to give teeth to, without destroying the fragility of human relationships in an extremely (understatement) emotional condition.

David, sorry that you took that as such a big "shot" at you -- I hoped that it DID matter, and just wanted to bring it to the front of your thoughts. They do have one thing, a HUGE thing -- they have the right to decide whether or not to relinquish (in most cases). The aparents have NO rights before the bparents make that decision.

Oh yeah, like Plareb said, I also don't agree that dragging bparents into court is a good thing, AND I don't think that dragging aparents into court is good either.

Recently someone posted about having only semi binding open adoptions instead of legally binding open adoptions as someone who is a victim of a fraudulent adoption in the state of Kansas I can tell you right now it needs to be legally binding all the way, more of us than you know bleed every day because we know nothing aobut our children my daughter was stolen from me 5 1/2 years ago, losing her was like losing my life, I had nothing left except what I thought I was going to get pictures and updates but they never came. I call the agency every month but get nothing, except a we're so sorry. I am sorry if what I signed is considered a contract then what the people raising my child whom i did not pick nor ask for, signed is also legally binding and should be made in a court of law to comply with the agreements they made period not have a way to back out.

(((Brandy))) I'm sorry that happened to you! I agree that is not right and that is why I suggested at the least, semi-open adoptions should be legally enforced so that the agency or 3rd party has the power to make the adoptive parents agree or else possibly, have their child's school notified and obtain access to a copy of the school photo. At least you would be able to see your child and know that she or he is alive. At least you will see a photo of how they change as the years go on. At least you would not have to wonder about what your bchild looks like. I would hope that will give some bparents some type of peace. Something more then what most have right now. This is the mininum that I think most adoptive couples might agree to. Legally requiring everyone to visit with one another and exchange personal information such as address and phone numbers, makes a lot of people uncomfortable. Especially in those sitautions where you have never met. I also wonder if my daughters bmother might have been more comfortable communicating with the agency instead of us. Maybe she was fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing and that is why she disappeared. Maybe after having one visit, she thought this was not for her, but didn't know how to say that to me. Maybe the visit was too much. I don't know. I do know she hasn't seen a photo of bdaughter in almost 2 years. I wish she could, at least see that.

David -- I would pm you back, but your box is full. I already apologized for how that came across, and explained that I hoped (assumed) that it DID matter, and just wanted to point that out to you. I was not questioning your love for your son -- I KNOW of your love for your son. I was pointing out that what you were asking, didn't correlate with what you had said before. I was asking if what your son had to say about the whole thing mattered in whether or not it was okay to walk away after he turned 18 -- not if you loved him. I think you took three little words ("does it matter?") waaaaay out of context. I was only trying to stick up for your son.

Welcome to our world. Adoptees have been second class citizens for decades.