rage over adoption

I would have to argure on that one... Do we change? No, but for SOME OF US... Our perception of ourselves changes a whole lot...

How do you mean your perception of yourself changes?

My daughter's first mother is a drug addict and I adopted through foster care. I remember seeing her weep when she held our daughter in her arms. She could not stop crying. I am actually crying as I write this. After that day we never saw her again. She missed all of her visits and I am adopting her soon, just waiting on the court process. I am a single adoptive mother in a loving relationship with a man, I can have children, but decided to adopt because I figured I didn't have to have children. And my dearest baby is so wonderful. I am grateful...deeply grateful for my child, I owe this stranger the greatest gratitude for her gift. I owe her a great deal of thanks. I will raise our daughter in love and will give her everything to help her become a great person in society....but I didn't chose to give birth to her...I hope (since she is a baby) she understands this. I hope she is never angry, that both her first mother and I did something loving for her. And if her first mom is ever able to be free of drugs and wants to see our daughter...I want her to, I want our daughter to know who she is entirely. But I understand the pain. Because I have raised her from birth, we have spent every waking moment together...she is my child...I've put the time in...but as my mother always said the more loving arms embrace my child the more love my child is raised in. So I pray to God....my dearest little lovely is never angry...but understands the sacrifices of two mothers to give her the best life they can. Her first mother, for stepping away and letting me raise her...and me...for letting go of the need to give birth to a child so the I could raise HER....I hope she sees the love in both actions. And if her first mom is ever healthy enough to know her....I welcome her with open arms.

I wondered the same thing. I didn't think you sounded angry at all. You sound like you are very together and at a good place with a level head on your shoulder.

My whole perception of myself changed when I met my b-parents. I know people here will say I had a weak sense of self to start with or something of the like but, when I met my b-parents I saw that the identity of the child I was born as was erased...through adoption a new identity was born... I felt very seperated, segmented, erased and re-made...I stuggled with just looking in the mirror everyday... I was not a child services case from a bad situation...Young love was the crime I was born of... Everyone has a unique story... For me the finding of my b-parents liberated and healed me as well as devestated and shocked me... I will PM you more dmca... I feel like I could explain better then... Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk privately... Ang~ :flower:

Child services cases, abuse, drug addiction, "young love", and rape...what can an aparent do to help their children cope with the circumstances surronding their adoption so they don't experience an identity crisis? So their self perception isn't negatively altered? My daughter's birth mom was raped at 13 by a bi-racial man. She was under tremendous pressure to abort, particularly by the young lady's mother...she nearly did abort twice in the 2nd trimester due to this pressure and the lies told to her at the clinic ("no one will want a bi-racial, rapist's baby", a fetus isn't formed yet at 20 weeks, and if you don't consent to this abortion, you will die). After getting accurate information and realizing her baby was NOT unwanted or unlovable, she chose life and adoption. After some time, the birth grandmother came around and supported her daughter and came to love her grand daughter. There was tremendous love in the room when my daughter was born...and relief that she was alive. I want to convey this to her. That she was born and placed out of an act of extreme love on the part of her birth mother and even though she nearly aborted her, it was out of ignorance, fear, and pressure. Also, that her birth grandmother didn't want her aborted out of hate, but rather out of the same fear and ignorance. She was thinking only of her daughter at the time and not her granddaughter. I never want my daughter to think of herself the way the abortion clinic described her: an unwanted, bi-racial, rapist's baby. I don't want her to suffer this way and to have her sense of self erased...replaced by self doubt and insecurities about her worth and value as a human being REGARDLESS of the circumstances surrounding her conception, near death, birth, and adoption. I want her to walk with dignity because she is a loved, VERY wanted, human being...a lady...who has good character and a loving heart. How do I help her now while she is young?

Pink.... Just wanted to let you know how terribly sorry I am that you were treated with such disrespect and abusive behavior. No matter adopted or non-adopted.. no excuse for bad behavior coming from adults... Whatever happened to Common Courtesy??? I too reunited with a most angry adoptee when she was 34 yrs old..in 1999.. I lost my baby to adoption in 1964. We still talk to each other occasionally.. just general stuff and very brief. It's been 7 years now.. and our reunion has regressed rather than progressed. I myself have come to an acceptance of our mediocre reunion.. It is what it is! Shadowdove

I am currently adopting my nephew. His bmom was an addict and my brother (his father) cannot provide for him. While I tried to have an open relationship with my asons mom she would not respond in kind. She would call if she wanted money and that was it. I haven't heard from her in months. She told me that she never wanted my son and tried to abort him several times but each time she smoked up the money. Finally it was too late (thank God). While I had an open door policy to her (visits pictures videos) I had to stop. I was making all the effort and once she said she never wanted him I lost some feeling. How could you not want such a precious gift? With all of this I would NEVER tell my son these things... He has a right to believe he was wanted and loved. I will always be respectful of her and let him know she just wasn't in a position to care for him and choose us out of love. If he decides to find her one day I will support him totally. I know how she feels now and how she might feel later can be very different. I will always be his Mom but you can never have too much love and I want him to happy and secure and know how any people do love him and how lucky we are to have him in our life. Good Luck and God Bless

I don't know if you believe in God. I do, and I think babies that are born ARE wanted. In this case, it was you two who wanted the baby. God, *in my opinion, doesn't make mistakes.If you tell your child ANYTHING, it would be to tell him that he was wanted by you two and that will never change.dmca

Soooo glad your son has you as his Mommy! There is no "amom" in this situation...there is only you. Maybe, God willing, someday she will get her life straightened out. Then she will understand what she missed and what a blessing you are. "Wantedness" is subjective. It is an opinion, not a fact. Your son was NEVER unwanted, nor was he unlovable and unloved. He was never a mistake, an accident...he was always a human being deserving dignity and respect. He was wanted and loved by you and by God...that is why he is here. There is a plan. Oh, I so wish I would have the opportunity to learn what great things come from this little boy being in the world. My daughter too overcame GREAT obsticals to get born. She was nearly aborted twice. Children like ours have a special mission and I feel blessed and honored to be trused with her and look forward to watching all the LORD has planned unfold. Thank God for you and your son!

I'm an adoptee, and I never had the rage at my bmum for letting go of me. i hunted her down when I was 15yo and now 20 years later we are still incredibly close, she's like my best friend really. She has never been and never will be my mother though, my amum can be a piece of work for sure, but she is still the one who brought me up and apparantly I was a handful, lol.But my abrother and asister who are also adopted do have anger and they dont want a bar of their blood families. Over here in New Zealand we can put a veto on our adoption papers if either the adoptee or bmum doesnt want to know. They have both taken advantage of that. I understand why they dont want to know, and they sort of understand why I did. Nevertheless whats done is done, and as far as this 'honeymoon period' goes, I never had one. I knew before I met my bmum that she was flawed, because we all are. So I didnt bother with all the illusions and recriminations and I accepted her for who she was, warts and all. And she did the same for me. We still do, maybe thats why we are such good friends.

I think that's a wonderful way to look at it, too bad not everyone is able to think like that. I myself am a bmom waiting for my daughters response to my first letter and preparing to send a second one. If she wants no contact at all I will have to learn to accept that, I have read so many different scenario's on other reunions and I know that anything is possible. I have sensed anger, sadness and maybe what you'd call just plain indifference here as well as pure joy and happiness, I'm just praying for the latter! As for posts by hellogoodbye, I myself thought of as sounding angry, but with a little more insight I see that she is just happy with who she is and has no desire to have a relationship with her bmom. I think that some person's have a straight forward way of saying things that come off a little harsh and yes maybe sounding a little angry, but they are just saying it how they see it or feel it if you will, that's just my opinion. Michelle

I must reply. if you read anger in my posts, I am sorry, because anger was not what I was trying to convey. Just because some adoptees do not want a reunion, does not mean we are angry, bitter, hurt etc., I am happy with my life as it is, period. I do not like to rock the boat so to speak, I also had the interests of my b mother in mind as I made my decision. I am not interested in a close relationship, how fair would it be to her to say, "thanx for the info, now you see me now you won't" I know who I am, what my strengths are and my limitations, because I do not want a relationship, does not mean that I am angry, please do not make those asumption. Not all adoptees feel the same, or go by the "primal wound".

Thanks for the replies. I KNOW my so was given to me by the grace of God. My story is such that I couldn't come to any other way of thinking. I cannot have children. My husband and I tried IVF (too expensive at the time) and then decided to just go on with our lives the way it was. We were happy but I always knew something was missing. It was my son.... He is a very happy loving joyful baby and we take delight in everything he does. God does answer prayers on his own time as he knows what is best. God bless

[My daughter does have some anger issues. She will ignore email from her bmom. I have to remind her to answer the emails. She will eventually answer her. She said, "I feel hurt." The bmom had two other children and raised them. I think this hurts her too. QUOTE=dmca]I was reading helloandgoodbye's post. I expected some anger from my Bdaughter and because this is new, it has not happened. I don't know if it will or not. She is more than entitled to some anger.I saw some of helloandgoodbyes anger at being 'found".I suppose that calls her identity into question in her mind.Does she not realize that this will not change who she is? She/he will always be the daughter/son of her parents?This is so darn sad.Anybody else with a Bchild that is angry? Is so, what was the anger and how did you handle it?Now, someone PLEASE tell me about the "honeymoon period"? I could use this as I've just met my Bdaughter , her husband and children. I hope to at some point, talk or write a note to her Mother. Unfortunately, her Father passed away. What is appropriate to say to her Mother? anything? Nothing? Can I express what a gift of God, I think she is, and what an astounding mother she is? dmca[/QUOTE]