I hate being the caller!!!

Hmm. Cnb, I wish I had wonderful words of wisdom for you. I've said before, the longer something is a secret, the harder it is to break the wall of silence. I've never kept D's existance a secret from everyone, but I also never announced to everyone I met. I had to take a really deep breathe to tell my congregation. (You do get used to expected negative responses.) We like to talk of the rollercoster ride of reunion, I'm hoping that this is one of the "what do I do now" times for your bmom that she will work through. My usual counsel is to try to keep the line of communications open. Then when she's ready the door will be open. Send her and your uncle notes for Christmas,etc. I'm sitting here thinking about your situation. My personal experience as a bmom was that I thought about him and the whole situation much more early on. Over the years I have filled my life with many things. (Pastoring 2 congregations definitely takes time and energy.) My other (grown) children and I sometimes talk several times in a week and then sometimes not for serveral weeks. It works for us. I don't call D much. I do IM him when he's on line and we chat a bit. I do worry that I'm contacting him at a bad time and he's too nice to say so. (Especially since he's at work usually.) It's funny, I'm more comfortable calling and talking to his wife. Again, hang in there. Since you hope the reunion will be a lifetime one, I assume, try to remember that this is for the long term. (Not that that will take the frustration away...) I hope she calls you soon.

Hi cnb, So finally I found your story :) You know, I get the feeling your bmom is "processing" things. Still, you have been in reunion since May so how long does it take...? I guess everyone's story is different. I agree with Kathy...keep the communication lines open...drop a card...call once a month if you don't hear from her (and I mean physically get her on the phone)...do you think she is not taking your calls? Can you block your phone # when you call just in case? That's just the paranoid me thinking aloud, but it sounds like she doesn't want you to disappear...she's just hiding. I am known to do the same kind of thing, even with my birthmom, and she always snaps me out of it. I hope this resolves itself soon...this limbo has got to be driving you nuts.

Irish- I was starting to think she was avoiding me..but she sends me emails that says she thinks about me every day and that she is "busy", her office is moving etc. I just keep telling myself she had a life before she found me and she continues to have that life now...But you ar eright it is very frustrating to be standing in limbo not knowing...It is my first Christmas knowing any of my birthfamily and I guess I was just hoping for a bit more..and I would tell her that if I could ever get her on the darn phone!! LOL

Cnb, does she answer e-mails? How far from you does she live? I think I overwhelmed D on our first Christmas in reunion by sending him a gift he didn't expect. (I think he felt he had to recipricate.) On the other hand, he overwhelmed me by asking about and coming to visit Christmas Eve. This year, they've invited us there (with D's aparents.). As a birthmom, I have to admit that I hold back because basically I'm still unsure of my place in his life and I don't want to push my way into his life. Maybe your bmom is also still feeling insecure.

Kathy, we live a long way away (she in NY and me in TX) but she occasionally answers emails, usually apologizing for not calling..one or two lines. I have told her that I want her to be a part of my life, she can call anytime...but what I say and what she feels I am sure are totally opposite ends of the spectrum. But as Irish said being in limbo is so totally nerveracking!!

:grouphug: Big hugs to you! :grouphug:

Long range relationships are hard to build. I think that one reason my daughter and D are developing their relationship so easily is that they live about 20 minutes apart. I'm lucky in that I only live 2 1/2 hrs from D. That aside... it's the "P" word again (patience). I know it's hard. I can't speak for anyone else, I only know that when you spend (in my case) 33 years telling yourself that you have no right to contact the child you gave birth to, it's difficult to believe it's ok.

This is SO true. My birthmom spent 35 years telling herself the same thing and it was the primary reason she refused contact at first. Even after our first meeting (which was beyond wonderful) she hurt me very badly by sending short emails and being basically emotionless. It all came from that "not feeling like I have a right to intrude" thing and thinking she needed to fight off the clinginess when all we wanted to do was cling. She said it was "processing". Luckily for me this only took about a month or two on her part (she said "I love you" the first time a month after our first meeting). The distance thing just makes it worse. My birthmom and I live 2,547 miles apart (who's counting?) and it makes for a lot of "guessing" on our parts as far as how the other person feels and what we are going through, even though we communicate daily. Sometimes I slow down the communication because I can't stand to be away from her and daily emails serve as a reminder of how far away she is. Maybe, cnb, your birthmom is kinda doing something similar? Like she has so much going on in her life right now that she can't take the "distraction" of you...or that she is afraid of getting too close for fear of getting hurt?? Limbo, limbo, limbo. I think you are doing the right thing - keep calling, send something for the holidays, gently remind her that you're here. And waiting. Patiently. (not)

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]You need to stop this pain you are in right now. I urge you to get help, and sort out your feelings, but know this, you are not to blame for her behaviour. There may be a million reasons for her distance, but none of it has really to do with you, it has to do with her. They say we hurt the ones we love, I say crap to that. She does owe you an explantation, but you may never get one, and that is her not being fair and loving to you! Don't you think you are worth more than that? Would you take this tyoe if behaviour from someone else? Look at you life right now, is it not good, do you not have people who love you, respect you and value you? She needs to reassess, perhaps, but what about you? You have emotions[/FONT] too, and they need to be validated.

[FONT=Tahoma]wow this is really tough... i know how it feels to want to be really close to my bmom...i dont know if it is your mom processing or what the deal is.she should at least call you back. my bmom doesnt call me i have to call her and most of the time she sounds too tired to talk. :coffee: [/FONT][FONT=Tahoma]i hope that you hear from her over the holidays...good luck[/FONT]

Oh, to know what another person is thinking and feeling. Reunion can become a huge guessing game - but -here's the important part - if we LET it. I have learned in over 5 years of reunion a. to be myself b. not to try to figure out what others are feeling or thinking c. they all had lives before they found out about me d. it takes some longer to process and work through things than others. One very important thing to remember is that YOU too had a life before being reunited. Keeping yourself busy and not making reunion the most important thing in your life is a good way to deal with the nail biting, frustrating aspects of reunion too. My reunion is wonderful and one of the most important things in my life and there are things that I would love to change by just wishing it so - like the birth cousin who pretends I don't exist. But I try not to lose sight of what I do have - the knowledge of who I am etc. I'm sending hugs your way! Snuffie

I read a lot of frustration in this thread. I can't encourage you enough to "read up", wish I had before reunion, I would have been a darn sight better prepared for the "pull backs" that my son went through, then I felt it some too. I think as soon as you start saying "you owe me" you are in dangerous territory. Try reading Julie Baileys & Lynn Giddens "The adoption reunion survival guide" (preparing yourself for the search, reunion and beyond). I got it off this forum and wish I had MUCH EARLIER. As a birth mum I found pages 137-139 very helpful for whats been brought up on this thread - reasons as to why bmums feel as they do. I hope it helps. I have the opposite problem. My son is nearly 30 and he lives at home with his aparents and only 8 months into reunion, I can't phone him. I sent him a mobile and then he tells me he can't get a signal where he lives. I am at the mercy of when he wants to phone me (emails have kinda faded away in use. I must admit, I prefer talking to him) but I ache to be able to phone him. Now I found out he was in hospital fighting for his life 2 weeks ago after taking an ecstasy tablet (drugs he said he quit 2 years ago) and no-one told me. Only he did 2 days after being discharged, and wow, how did THAT feel! Lousy. So I understand your frustration. Its nearly 2 weeks since the last phone call and he put the phone down on me. The reunion has been really difficult as he has slammed my head against the wall with his issues and emotions and I can't take anymore. To be honest, it would be a blessing if I never heard from him again, and I didn't set out for reunion with that thought, I can tell you! Hurt has taken me past the agony barrier and beyond and now I am deeply hurt and numb. I can't figure out why he put the phone down on me, but I have to get on with my life. It was my bson that looked, found me and promised me the earth, but nothing has come to fruition, I have met him once and any requests to meet him (he lives 2 hours drive away) have been completely ignored. So, in my case, perhaps I am the subject of much manipulation, he pretty much wants things his own way and has alcohol and now drug problems. I don't know how much the hospital incident has left him damaged? but the frustration.... I think in reunion issues are inevitable. I would encourage you to be patient. Some people only contact each other once a year! and never see each other! so anything other than that has to be a bonus? Everyone feels insecure in the triad situation. Everyone is frightened silly to say how they feel, to express anger, or hope, or what they really want, in fear of scaring the other person off. If you can get a good adoption counsellor (and I wish my son had), go for it. I hope my thoughts put some perspective on the situation? Hugs to anyone going through reunion ((((hugs))))) as in my case, its making me back off and I didn't want to.

I have to admit, my bson found me, and was on full throttle as you describe, and promised me phone calls on such and such day and as time went by, they never came. the disappointment was HUGE so I understand that. However, he searched for me and when I get angry, like you, I vented in indignation BUT HE WAS THE ONE WHO SEARCHED ME OUT! I definitely as the contacted one, when I look at the emails, was the one who was responding most. A certain paranoia follows, which is inescapable in reunion (IMHO), but it still is early days and so much happens in peoples lives... some of which they may not want to disclose to you (see my other reply to your thread). It makes you very vulnerable. The only way I am coping with it, is by getting on with my life and telling myself that I wouldn't mind if it finished to be honest, as I am gut sick at being the one who seems to be doing all the work (so I get where you are coming from on that score). However, something deep inside stirs from time to time, so I think you need to build up some friendships on this forum, that will definitely help. Try to get some of the anger out on this forum, venting helps, believe me!!!! and incognito too! Its also amazing what people have achieved/not achieved, so its a wide spectrum of answers and experiences and it will comfort you (or I would hope it would) to see what others are going through. There's nothing like people that truly understand. The "forgetting" bit cuts to the quick. My bson couldn't be bothered to use a mobile phone I sent him, because it was "hugely inconvenient" to get in his car and find a signal. When I'd asked for it to be returned, as it was of sentimental value, belonging to his bgran, (now passed away), he came across as ignoring my emails, ignoring my questions that I hoped showed interest. It sounds like you are setting yourself up for disappointment when you say (?) you expected a long letter from your bmum - so you sent 6 pages and I get the impression that 2 pages in return didn't match. Someone on the forum pointed out to me and it may help you too, that just because someone isn't loving you the way you want them to, doesn't mean that they aren't loving you with all that they have. I hope I've quoted that right, but do you get the gist of it? The book I refer to in my other post, is excellent in tempering our expectations. Don't make a move until you have read it and absorbed it. Apply it to yourself first and try not to make any demands on yourself or bfamily. May 06 reunion is very young in reunion terms. You have already achieved much more than a lot on this forum. also the feelings are raw, so very raw and the anger that is welling up may well need to be described/talked out with a professional adoption counsellor, if possible. If not, we are here for you. I hope this helps. In this muddle of emotions, sometimes, the simple answer is, we just have to pull back, to protect our feelings. I can't explain away everything, I hurt like heck like yourself, but maybe, just maybe, some of the suggestions may help? Take care, protect your heart, only give out a bit at a time. Remember, in reunion, we are bonded by blood, but in fact are complete strangers.

I agree with Snuffie.... I think most anything that happens in our lives can be looked at in at least two ways. I'm a reunited adoptee who does all the contact with my bmom, but have a more normalized reciprocal relationships with 3 of my bsibs. At first I had a bit of resentment that my bmom never called me....but after realizing that she really didn't call ANY of her other children even before I came along.....I realized that she was just being herself... and I guess that meant that I could just be MYSELF... I'm the one that loves to call, buy cards, etc... so I decided to be who I was..and do the things that I've always done. I also am one who tries to look at the glass 1/2 full instead of empty and find that IF I do that... alot of the challenges in life don't feel so overwhelming. One thing that I've learned along the way is that nobody can MAKE you feel a certain way... YOU are the one that decides how you feel... and you can't control someone else's behavior or feelings... best just to concentrate on your own... (I get into much less trouble that way.. hee hee)... good luck..sal

Thanks so much to all of you who have responded. Your input has helped me in such a huge way. Another weekend came and went with another promised call, I called three times, got the answering machine all three times, left a message all three times. But you know what, I am okay with it.. And part of the reason was from these posts. I know that I have so much more than I ever thought I would have. I have spoken with her, met her and know, for the most part, where I came from. And I have always known who I am and where I am going. So now I will take a step back, read up a little bit on the reunion pullback and go from there..no expectations, no disappointments, no promises. I am just going to be..I will enjoy my holidays with my family, I will send my bmom a card and the little gift that I purchased, and I will still be the same person that I was before my heart got a bit broken..that is a part of life.. But I am okay, well not okay but better. And I thank all of you for sharing your stories and your heartfelt sentiments. I will keep you all posted!