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Or least it feels like it is.
Maybe some kind souls can help by sharing their thoughts on an issue that my wife and I have been discussing.
My wife and I are researching open adoption, and have just finished reading "Dear Birthmother, Thank You for Our Baby" which was a real eye opener, it helped us to not only think about the child, but the letters really hit home what a difficult decision it can be for the birthparents.
A little background, my wife is infertile and it was caused by an abortion she had when she was younger. It was a difficult decision, and one she regrets now.
The dilemma is, is this information that should be revealed to a birthmother who is considering placement of her child with us?
On one hand, we know that past event has no bearing on our ability to be loving and providing parents. On the other hand, the birthmother was faced with the same decision, and chose to have the child and have it adopted, so by not sharing that information, are we withholding information that a birthmother would want to know?
From what we've seen of prospective parents letters/scrapbooks to the birthmother, they focus on their positive attributes and their capability to provide a loving and nuturing home.
So from a pragmatic view, we may be needlessly hurting our chances of being selected by providing the details of our infertility, (either in our scrapbook or when we meet for a possible match).
Anybody have any thoughts on this?
We are relatively new to all of this, and thought that these forums might provide some helpful feedback. Maybe we should be asking this in a different forum?
Any and all comments are greatly appreciated, thank you very much!
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Thank you for your responses, it does give us more to think about.
In our hearts, we truly feel it isn't relevant how we will be as parents.
We don't think providing that information in our profile will be helpful, it will just be too easy to dismiss us for consideration out of hand.
So it would be something that would be mentioned after a birthmother has selected us for possible placement, during the 'getting to know you' stage.
(apologies if I'm getting this wrong, we haven't gone through these steps yet, so its just our best guess based on what we have been told and learned so far)
In the end, we hear what you are saying, it is up to us after we meet the birthmom if we really feel like if it needs to be shared or not.
I guess we wanted to make sure that we aren't missing some obvious 'yes' or 'no', although with adoption it seems like there is no such thing as a clear cut 'yes' or 'no'. :3d:
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SchmennaLeigh
As a pro-choice birthmom, I don't think it would have effected my decision.
It doesn't surprise me to hear that someone who's pro-choice wouldn't be bothered by this. I imagine that someone who's pro-life might have a much different viewpoint.
In reply to the OP:
For many people, this is a issue for which no compromise can be accepted. Even among those who do not have strong opinions about abortion in general, some might feel that you had your chance for a child, and not only passed it up for yourself, but by chosing abortion, also deprived some other adoptive family of the chance to raise that child.
Not having been there, I could be well off-base, but I think that this is an issue that would be hard to avoid. Asking "why are you adopting?" leads to the issue of infertility. Once raised, you have to either explain the "why" or be prepared to dodge the question if it does come up.
And even if the question of why you're infertile never did come up, I think this is important enough to some people that it would be fair to say you have a moral obligation to reveal this information. Many people consider abortion to be murder. Whether or not you agree, I think you need to be honest about something that is so potentially divisive.
rts1969
We don't think providing that information in our profile will be helpful, it will just be too easy to dismiss us for consideration out of hand.
So it would be something that would be mentioned after a birthmother has selected us for possible placement, during the 'getting to know you' stage.
That, to me, seems to be a reasonable compromise. I think revealing it is required, but doing so in your own time is acceptable.
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Hi Joe,
Thanks for taking the time for replying. Your comments at the core are what raised the original question.
Your comment about how many people consider abortion to be murder does seem to touch upon the more general issue of being pro-choice or pro-life, which in that context the question then seems to really be one of 'should adoptive parents be required to reveal if they are pro-choice/pro-life?' Because, as you said, it is such a divisive topic that for many pro-life people, being pro-choice alone is would be enough reason to not match.
Which I guess it ties into the whole 'matching' process of birthparents and adoptive parents. Each side is looking for that perfect fit, and is asking each other the things that matter most to them in determining if it is. Sometimes I feel like its that bad reality tv show, where after like 4 weeks of superficial dating, couples had to decide if they were going to get married. But here, this is no getting a 'divorce' if you made a bad choice. Crazy.
I guess thats why our homestudy has us answering all sort of hyptothetical questions, some of which are really hard to imagine how you would feel without being in it, but it makes you more prepared for that all important match.
Sorry, I guess I'm rambling as I think out loud. Peace out. :hippie:
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JGarrick
It doesn't surprise me to hear that someone who's pro-choice wouldn't be bothered by this. I imagine that someone who's pro-life might have a much different viewpoint.
Which is why I shared my viewpoint, both as a birth mother, who many people assume are automatically pro-life, and as a woman. But thanks for dismissing me. Very cool.
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Jenna,
I don't think she is dismissing YOU....just making a point of the different view points of pro-life vs pro-choice and how someone on the other side of the issue might feel about it.
I agree if you are asked directly questions related to that topic then you should be completely honest with the expectant mother. She has a right to know the truth so she can make the best choice for her baby.
If she doesn't feel comfortable with it than it's not a good match.
But I do feel that many expectant mothers might feel very sympathetic to your situation rather than judgemental.
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Jenna,
I found your comment about being a pro-choice birthmom very helpful, because you were right, I think I had slipped into the assumption that all birthmom's must be pro-life based on their decision to have the child and put it up for adoption.
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SchmennaLeigh
Which is why I shared my viewpoint, both as a birth mother, who many people assume are automatically pro-life, and as a woman. But thanks for dismissing me. Very cool.
I didn't intend to be dismissive, and I'm sorry that it came off sounding that way. All I meant is that this is a highly divisive issue, and I would expect someone who's pro-life to take exception, but that someone who's pro-choice would be more likely (although not necessarily certain) to be accepting.
I apologize for having written my post in a way that sounded like your remarks were not helpful and relevant to me.
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To the OP, first of all I am so sorry that you and your wife have suffered from IF and that it was caused by your wife's abortion. That's terrible.
Let me put it this way....I am ardently pro-choice. And while I believe in honesty, I also believe in privacy. There are certain things that I would not want my DD's birth family to know about me or my DH....not because they are birth parents, but because I don't want ANYONE to know. Frankly, I also think the fact that your wife had an abortion is no one's business but hers (and now yours). Period. Btw, we were never asked about the "reasons" for our infertility and I suspect that you won't either.
Of course, if you WANT to reveal it, that's totally your business...just wanted to give you my perspective that that's not something that "needs" to be revealed if you and your wife don't want it to be, imo.
PS: I wouldn't be surprised if the percentage of birth moms who are pro-choice is the same percentage as women "in general" -- I never assumed it would be any different, for some reason.
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It is a highly devisive issue, and if it's an issue for a woman considering placing her child she will hopefully bring it up, and by it I mean someone's stance on the issue, not necessarily their history. For instance religion was important to our child's bio parents, so they asked, discipline was so they asked, sharing naming was so they asked, openess with them and their families was so they asked. They did not ask about politics, they did not ask about abortion, they did not ask why we couldn't bear children. Though I chose to share that information, and when no one seemed to care I asked my counselor and she said in her experience many of the parents considering adoption that she's worked with just assume a couple is infertile and go from there. They are looking toward the future and not getting bogged down in OUR pasts.
That was really important for me to hear, my infertility was important to me, it was a major deal in my life, but to them it was the reason I was adopting and nothing more.
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rts1969
'should adoptive parents be required to reveal if they are pro-choice/pro-life?' Because, as you said, it is such a divisive topic that for many pro-life people, being pro-choice alone is would be enough reason to not match.
Well, I'll clarify or maybe revise my answer a little, based on this and on loveajax's note that she was never asked "why?"
I don't necessarily think you must always state your position on abortion, or your history, but I think you do have an obligation to answer truthfully if asked.
It is probably reasonable to assume that if the topic is never raised, that it probably isn't especially important to the birth mother. But, if the subject is raised, and especially if the birth mother is pro-life, at that point I think you need to be forthcoming on your views on abortion in general and your history.
This is where I have to part company with loveajax. I think I understand her feelings about privacy and in many ways I'm sure I share them. However, I believe that the right of a birth mother to make an informed decision trumps that right to privacy. She is, after all, entrusting her child to you for life. I think that degree of commitment changes the rules. I also think that in entering into an adoption, you're making a voluntary agreement to reveal information that I wouldn't ever suggest you had an obligation to reveal under coercion.
In a sense, I think the issue of abortion is clouding the more general question here, which is this: Do prospective adoptive parents have a moral or ethical obligation to reveal information to a birth mother when they believe that information might lead the birth mother to reject them as adoptive parents?
I'm not sure the answer to this question is absolute, but I think it would be yes unless proven otherwise due to some extenuating circumstance.
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Actually, JGarrick, I had't thought of it in terms of IF ASKED and I think I would agree with you about that. I mean for us as a parents, there were certain "deal breakers," and if that was one for an expecting mom, she certainly would have the right to know (and presumably would ask about it). I was thinking about it in terms of "volunteering" it from the get go.
Btw, RTS, good luck to you and your wife!!!
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I am a bmom.
I chose my bdaughters parents through a letter.
I am also prochoice but I honestly do not think I would have wanted to know that information.
I wanted to know that my birthdaughter was going to grow up in a home that had two loving parents. Who loved each other and could share that love. I also wanted to know their view on God (if any), the way they felt about discipline and about their family.
I had 3 letters in front of me from 3 different sets of aparents wanting to adopt. They were all great families but the one that kept sticking with me was from an adad that said he once surprised his wife with furniture tables that he had made by hand.
I chose that family. Maybe because my own dad had done that for my mom and it showed a caring giving man.
So you never know what is going to stick out in a bmoms mind.
My birth daughters parents are both great parents.
I still do not know about their infertility issues and it has been eighteen years. I just knew they wanted to be parents and could not biologically. I am so HAPPY that they chose adoption!
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Oh heavens, I'm with you. This was a choice that was made when she was young, I'm guessing. I'm glad that my birthmoms (two adoptions, two seperate birthmoms) didn't ask me what my views were when I was young. What matters is NOW. What type of parent do you feel you will be? That's the real question on their mind and heart. I dunno, personally, I think it's a private matter, not to be shared, unless you cannot live with yourself if you don't. It may or may not make a difference to the prospective birthmom. I must say, I never went back and pulled out any of my "regrets" from my childhood or late teens to twenties. What purpose would that serve? I supposed I could have been more forthcoming, opting to bring up my decisions I made in my younger years. I was a smoker. Once, when I was 17, I drank alcohol at my cousin's wedding and got "tipsy". I was a lazy student. . . I'm sorry. . .I just don't think that is what a birthmom is interested in. I would guess it's more like. . .who are you now, how will you raise this child, are you going to give this child a stable, loving family. And as far as "dismissive", from an earlier strand, oooh, yes, I thought that post had a very dismissive flavor.
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rts1969
In our hearts, we truly feel it isn't relevant how we will be as parents.
We don't think providing that information in our profile will be helpful, it will just be too easy to dismiss us for consideration out of hand.
Than that should be their right. Perhaps the expectant parents are very pro-life. Finding this information out later may feel like their trust was betrayed.
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