Is This Helthy?

Thank you for your votes of confidence and advice- I will order that book. It's good to talk with people who understand but I wish that none of us had to deal with such as this. Again Thanks.-Patty

Patty I have no words of advice. Sending my hugs and prayers.

Patty, You and I are in the same boat. Just knowing that I'm no longer alone in the boat helps me. Even though my reunion didn't turn out as I had hoped, I still feel glad that the reunion happened. I was able to work through many issues that I didn't even know I had. Take care, Your fellow shipmate, Found

[FONT=Fixedsys]I am on the last chapter of Ambiguous Loss. I'm not sure yet how to apply it to my situation. It has however given me a deeper understanding of what my poor husband has had to deal with at times during all of this. I know there have been times when I have been "absent". I came close to loosing him once because of it. I am working hard not to allow that to happen again. And he is learning to deal the fact that I am not the same as I was before.[/FONT][FONT=Fixedsys][/FONT] [FONT=Century Gothic]PS[FONT=Fixedsys] Found, I also became aware of issues I didn't know I had. Maybe in some ways I'm better for it.[/FONT][/FONT]

Adoption is the "physically absent - emotionally present" situation. Are children are not with us, yet they are present in our thoughts, and heart. Even in reunion or open adoption, the person our child would have become had we raised them is lost to us forever.

The above struck a chord in me that explains the "kind of" depression I've been feeling. I should be happy, its my sons birthday today, but contact is nil. I feel he is with his family and I'm the no big deal. They have raised him and those years are lost to me forever. I spent most of yesterday and the day before crying and not really knowing why. I have a picture of him as a child, framed in my lounge and although I am comfortable with it being there, it reminds me that I have had no input into making him the adult I now find. It hurts like anything. I also feel that on the big days/celebrations I have no input into enjoying it whatsoever. Its only just a year and 12 days since first contact (but who's counting? I am I guess!) and although he now phones me once a month, I feel its not enough to get a relationship. I've spent a year reassuring him and now I need reassurance. He admits that he's selfish including that he forgets or doesn't get round to sending me photos, I have asked for some of his aparents and abrother and I just know it will take ages. I feel so punished over and over again. All those years, 28 of them before he found me, all that pain, buried deep, no more children, no husband, no-one to console me, no relationship to say "heh, you belong to me". I feel more alone since reunion than I've ever felt and the relationship is slow and he calls the shots. Its like being punished all over again for getting pregnant and not being sufficiently sufficient in society to have my own place, raise him, all that kind of thing. He yearns for those lost years too and it hurts me that he's ended up with emotionally the wrong people to be raised by. I Know things aren't good in a lot of biological families, never mind adoptive ones, but he has been spoilt with money and he's not grateful to them at all. The only thing that keeps me going is that the connection is good, when it happens and yet he still struggles to overcome the defensive mechanisms that he's put in place to help him cope with the pain of being raised without me. Thanks for letting me vent, I don't think I'd be as sane as I am without this forum and people listening and relating to the incessant pain. It doesn't seem fair at times, but like you guys, when I hear from him, I'm euphoric and within 2 weeks I'm down again. I've had to distance myself in a way so that I can get on with life and sometimes I ask myself if this has really happened as it seems like a dream. Perhaps that's almost like a post traumatic stress disorder reaction, I don't know. It may sound strange, but in some countries, women are put into jail for many years for (whatever) and never get to see their child grow up. I try to comfort myself with that knowledge, that its not only adoption that can lead to these situations to loss and separation. I try to take comfort also in those that have been patient and seen their relationship with their son/daughter develop and now have something that made it all worthwhile, even if its several years down the line. I guess I'm feeling a little lonely and a little lost today. Next Thursday, I will be seeing my counsellor and I may have more clarity of heart then. To all those out there suffering like this, I have had a similar experience and I know what the feelings can be like...

I can relate to your feelings on this. We lose our peace at relinquishment and bury the feelings only to have them reawakened at contact and even more so at reunion. Reunion is almost like a welcome back and then the door can feel slammed in your face because of the issues that each person can be feeling and trying to come to terms with. Like you, I have spent so much time on my bson and now I need to find a level of being able to live my life with a certain amount of peace. The past year has been punishing and I can no longer sustain it emotionally. Things have levelled out, and I hear from him once a month and I've found myself a project to keep me busy and involved in the community. I still talk about him to almost anyone who will listen and that gives me a lot of comfort, but then I find I don't have him in my life sufficiently to be able to say much like a mother should. Its early days yet, so we have to be kind to ourselves after the almost masochistic way in which we as bmothers bear the brunt of their reactions and yet the reward and euphoria of hanging in there and things improving on both sides. I am no longer as raw as I used to be, but I have levelled out and am trying to accept that this relationship is going to be one of the slowest and most consuming emotionally of my entire life. I think the only encouragement I can give you is to continue to express yourself whenever you feel you can and yet also try to switch off, if possible. I have to do this more than I would like, and I think I have to protect myself so that when he reappears or interjects into my life, I can stay calm and measured and the "parent" for him. In the meantime, I have to be careful not to let him feel his behaviour is affecting me, he has to go at his own pace. But you know, we all need time out and there's no shame in that, nor does it mean we've given up on our precious children/no adults. No, this is the time when the healing actually can take place, the wound would never heal before, but now they are in our lives in one way or another, we can discover our issues, work to heal them and get some measure of peace. I'm a bit zonked out with emotion today, because he's 29, so I'm going to leave it there as the emotion is too much. I don't know if any of this rambling is making sense, but I wish you well - keep posting, its good for us all to express from deep within our hearts.

I think I really need to read that book. How are you doing Patty?

[FONT=Fixedsys]I totally "get" this idea. I just wish that I had found a new way to cope and so far denial seems to be the only thing that works for me. That is a sad statement I think but at this point it's whatever works. Which is sort of what I got out of the book also.[/FONT]

[FONT=Fixedsys]:banana: I'm actually doing better! Thanks for asking. [/FONT]

Dear Hearts, if our bsons and daughters are adults now, then they need to be accountable for their actions, just as we do. Relationships take 2 people, not only one doing all the work. That's not fair, and it's exhausting! And the thing is, if one person's doin all the work, then the other's not learning how to "do" a relationship anyway, so what's the use of that? If we state what our needs are we are providing a good example of how to relate. that's good parenting,isn't it? It is another way to show love...though it's SO hard. I cringe at the very thought myself but we are worth it, yes? Haven't we paid our "debts"?

Patti, Glad to hear you are doing better.

i am an adoptee and I am a biological mother. I just wanted to say that it is probably easier for me to understand both sides of the spectrum than anyone, I know my biological mom wants to find me or wants me to find her anyway. I think that is a really neat thing but i am apprehensive because even just reading all these posts I am afraid that I will be dissapointing one more person in my life. How many pictures are good enough how many letters or phone calls? No one is trying to punish their biological families only trying to find a way to add them to their lives...you have known us forever but remeber we only just met you. and it's scary and overwhelming. Don't be too hard on the adopte chilren even if we are adults now.

[FONT=Fixedsys]Good News!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![/FONT]:dance: [FONT=Fixedsys]I wrote this all the way out on this forum once (a little differently) and lost it so if there isn't a post after this from me the administrator was unable to restore it. In that case go to the adoptee forum under Reunion, Making Contact and Communication- read my thread and last post on Need an Adoptee's Point of View. Sorry, my ADD medication is wearing off and I dont think I can do it again.[/FONT][FONT=Fixedsys]Love, Patty[/FONT]

Congratulations Patty!!!!!