Am I a foster parent or babysitter?

A foster parent is not a babysitter! Babysitters are not responsible for children's long-term health and well-being, they're not required to concern themselves with kids' moral development, psychological issues, or medical problems, and most of all, BABYSITTERS ARE PAID!I understand MommaCass's frustration. It's hard to only have them for such a short time. We can make a much bigger difference in their lives when we have them for a few months at a time. Plus, the turmoil of them coming into care settles down, too, and we can really build a relationship with them. This isn't about adoption vs. fostering. It's about liking to have the time to really know, help, and enjoy the kids.(Sigh. I've only had short-timers on respite this year, and I'd really like to have a long placement, too. And FWIW, I *don't* want to adopt.)

Well, it took over 14 months and the county deciding to TPR before I stopped getting treated like a babysitter. It did take a good 3 months before I didn't feel like one either. I do know what you mean, in the beginning it is so.... new and untested, you are getting to know the kids, the new routine for your family, it does feel like babysitting but at a whole new level. Then the realization hits and you feel like a parent and that is a wonderful, terrifying, and utterly sad feeling (well for me anyway) because it is real that these kids do need you to be their parents for however long it takes. Yes, we may be taking care of these kids for a short (or long) period of time, but we are parenting these children. PARENTING. Parenting is very different than babysitting and YES! babysitting pays better by far. Just know that you did make a difference for the kids and that short or long, you helped them feel loved! ***edited by me after re-reading earlier posts*****

MommaCass, A foster parent is NOT a babysitter. Please don't let anyone tell you any different. The foster parent is more of a parent that a genetic contributor that refuses to take care of themselves so that they can then take care of their children. There are way too many victims in the world who want to blame someone or something else for their problems. Keep looking for your daughter; she is out there for you. I am embarking on my own journey and am going to focus on the positve. I disagree about a lot of the open adoption, relationship with the genetic family ideas that I people believe is best for the child. Perhaps adopting the child if they are available and making the child part of your new family and not making such a big deal out of the adoption is the way to go for many of these children. Did anyone read the John Rosemund article about this. I think it is nonsense to keep telling the child how sad it is that they were adopted away from their genetic family. If the genetic family was such a great thing for them I'm sure they would still be there and not in foster care. Keep believing that you will find your daughter and good luck to all of us who are doing the best we can.

I have to respectfully disagree.... I don't know any babysitter who only gets paid $15/day to take care of a child for 24 hours....My daycare provider gets more money a month for keeping my kids than I get reimbursed... I don't know ANY babysitter that takes kids to medical, dental, and therapy appts, stays hours in the ER, goes to court appts., rocks sick babies through the night, spends thousands of dollars (yes I have spent thousands, well above my reimbursement) on kids, and I don't know any babysitter who could love my foster kids more than I do... Foster parents are just that, PARENTS..they maybe be temporary parents, but they are parents all the same!!! I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE JUST THINK OF ME AS A 24 HOUR BABYSITTER!!!! I AM A MOTHER!!! I REALLY enjoy fostering, although I am also about to adopt and one reason I chose to foster (with the hopes of adoption) instead of going with straight adoption is to get a placement of a younger child faster.... AND I fully understand that the majority of the children I have in my home are going back home or to relatives and I am fully ok with that, but I love parenting kids full time, if I only wanted to take care of kids part time and give them back at the end of the day without any reponsibilties of making sure they had clothes, food etc....I would have just worked in a daycare or became a nanny.... I would have not become a foster parent and to just say a foster parent is like a babysitter is way off....A foster parent does everything the bio parents would be doing if they had the kids..that in itself makes us parents.....

Um . . . Am I reading this wrong because it looks to me like mammacass said it FEELS like she is a babysitter instead of a foster parent not that she was one. I have definitely had those feelings before and I would doubt any foster parent who said they didn't especially at the beginning. As you begin to have children for longer periods of time and you adopt the feeling recedes but there are still times now (especially when I get a call from the social worker asking me to take off time to do something she should be doing) that I feel like they feel like I'm the babysitter. All of you are right though, we get paid too little and have too many responsibilties to be the babysitter! Tina

Helen - We choose to do foster/adopt because most children that are in the system when they become available are adopted by their foster parents.So that leaves few children in our age range that are straight adopt. And it takes a long time to get placed with one that is already tpr'd. Also we get a chance to see what kind of issues the child may have and are they issues that our family can deal with. Like I don't think we can handle ODD or RAD. Others - I hope nobody thought that I was saying foster parents are like babysitters, I was only saying I felt like a babysitter because it seems they are only using me as a pit stop while they decide which relative to send the children to. I didn't get into this to be a stop between. Our main reason is to adopt, another reason is to help a child or two along the way. MommaCass Thanks Tina

There is confusion because of a post that has since been edited. Mommacass I do not think anyone is directing most of what is in their posts to your origional post, but to what followed in the reply that was edited. I know I did, but after I re-read as saw that the comment had been removed I took out my response to it in my post. I think your feelings are clear, and totally understandable. Everyone, just take a deep breath!!

It is interesting that many people have strong feelings about MommaCass saying she feels like she is a babysitter. I think it is because the various child protective agencies (by whatever name they are called) view the foster parents as part of the system and don't think of foster parents having feelings. Another problem is many cw/sw's aren't very experienced and will tell fp's what they want to hear. My husband and I have been told that we can be considered foster to adopt and straight adoption parents or straight foster care, but not all three. Our resource cw said that the state is not an adoption agency and that their goal is to reunite the children with their parents or relatives. So we were asked to deccide if we wanted to stay foster to adopt and straight adoption or change to straight foster parent. While discussing which we wanted to do my husband said he could do any of them as long as they gave us straight answers about the case or that they did not know where the case for the parents was going. He then said that foster parenting is like babysiting in that you never know how long they are going to be with you and that you have some control but not all control. You have to ask to leave the state or be out of town for more then 3 days, you have no control over when visitation occurs, court occures, how well and quickly they look for relatives and if the cw/sw has a clue about what they are doing or if they tell you the truth or even return your phone calls or emails. In short you do all the work with no appreciation from anyone and if you foster out of your racial/ethnic group you get alot of silly questions from strangers. So if you foster parent you do it because you want what is best for the children despite all the fallings of the "system" :grr:

Oh, I totally get why any foster parent would FEEL like a babysitter. We're so often treated as if we were babysitters. "A bed and a bottle," as one social worker told me, implying that all we do is some sort of weird maintenance care while the kids are in stasis!But of course, we're not just babysitters. We provide more than maintenance care, because our kids are not in stasis. They're growing, learning, developing, and they need our help to do so in a healthy way. That's parenting, not babysitting.I wish people knew and appreciated all that we do. My house is more than just a hotel for little kids...

My comment was not directed towards mommacass, it was to another poster who said foster parents are just like babysitters, but later edited her comment to remove that part.......Just wanted to clear that up.... I am a little touchy with Mother's Day coming up and a lot of people not considering me to be a mother just because I didn't birth the children I foster (2 of which I will be adopting very soon)..people don't see them as "mine" and I have been kinda on edge about all their comments this week..so I apologize to all....and again stress that I wasn't directing my comment towards mommacass

I just read this whole thread and landed on Marcarios79's post. First to Mommacas I know how you feel...I think we all feel that way when we are placed, I am so sorry that a fost/adopt situation has not been given to you, I think you should be (you probably have been) more specific about your plan to adopt. I don't know what state you are in, Los Angeles, seems to have a lot of fost/adopt babies, but I know it is different in other places...all I can say is your little one is out there and I pray for the day your little one comes home to you. I can't wait to read that they are finally home. Marcariou79....I just adopted my little one, BUT!!!!!!! I wanted to reach out to you and all FOSTER PARENTS and say HAPPY MOTHER'S (PARENT'S) DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You ARE a mother. And your finalization does NOTHING to change that.....in the foster...and or foster/adopt world we have been mothers since the very first moment we laid eyes on our children....you, me and we....are all PARENTS!!!!!!! Not babysitters....we have been...will be...or were. THEIR PARENTS!

I feel your pain, mama cass. We have our safe haven baby, who is in the process of reunification. We've had her for about six weeks now. The bmom is getting gradually longer unsupervised visits, but some days she doesn't take her for the entire time she's allowed because it doesn't fit her work schedule. I truly do feel like the babysitter because she brings her back to me in time to go to work. Our other fd, 6 months old, is going to a family member in a few weeks, as soon as the background checks and homestudy are done. We've only had her about three weeks so far. The caseworker also told us they have another infant entering placement very soon and want to place him/her (not sure) with us. I really feel I need to ask what the long-term outlook is before I agree to take the next one. Sandy

No you are NOT a babysitter but I know they can make you feel like one alot of the times. With what FP's get paid and comparing that to a babysitter...well you are not getting paid enough! Babysitters don't tend to sick kids 24/7, calm them when they are upset, tuck them into bed with hugs and kisses, make sure they are fed and taken care of 24/7. You are a MOM and feel like a Mom to these kids. Don't let anyone make you feel any different. You love them and nurture them until they are RU'd or you adopt them. FLMom

Mommacass, I can completely relate to your feelings. Not in having had short placements... but the mere THOUGHT of short placements doesn't appeal to me because I don't want to feel like a "stopover" for children. Its got to be frustrating.

I know this post is old, but that's how we feel period!