Prejudice Pop...Happy endings???

This is a beautiful way of laying it on the line! Great words!

[ Understand too, that once you adopt transracially, you are forever a 'non-caucasian' family. Your eyes may be opened to experiences and situations you'd never noticed before; people may stare; people will undoubtedly make assumptions about you before even knowing you (good and/or bad). These are all parts of what being a transracial family means. If you aren't prepared to abandon any family or friends because of their racist attitudes, then I think you should seriously re-consider adopting in this way. You won't be the first couple to do this, and certainly not the last. If you aren't willing to throw aside any individuals who might be in the way of this, then re-consider and adopt children who might be a better match. These are such true words. As a Transracial Family you are in public eye ALL THE TIME. We've had our twins for 2 1/2 years and not a week goes by that someone is talking to us. When we made our decision to become a transracial family we lived far away from our own families where we had had some comments made... i.e. "your not adopting a foreign child?", and lived in an area which was much more diverse. For economic reasons and to give my parents a chance to be grandparents, we've moved to a location which is diverse, but doesn't have the same attitudes about diversity. I notice such a difference... my daughters where oooed, and awwah, and now along comes..."Where are they from?" often giving a feel that they don't "belong." Our diveristy has brought up adoption and in front of the girls, came comments..."How can someone give up such beautiful babies?" When you "match" these will be much less in your life. We learned very early in the adoption process that it is OKAY to click the boxes for a CC child only. You do what's best for your family. It the gparent is going to be around all the time you do have to think about it. We face with my in-laws a definate (never overt) a prejudice towards the bio grandchildren. A picture of all the boys in the family (all bio gchildren are boys), my girls given junky gifts, while the boys are given toys. Despite the words... there cute, etc... we just observed my in-law traveling to see the newest grandbaby, and we live 1 1/2 hours away, and they say it's too much traffic, etc... So... we are distancing ourselves each month, yet I see it in my husbands eyes. He wants his parents (in their late 70's/early 80's) to have the joy he has with his daughters and excitement they show for the other grandchildren to exist as well. There is just a bit of sadness and I know it will always be there. So... think careful. darene

I heard that, too-when Maire-Kate was a baby. Do people honestly believe that birthparents only make adoption plans for infants they find unattractive?I was floored.

You know, that comment is sooo weird, isn't it?!?!?! I usually say this in response to that one: "I don't know all of the reasons, but I'm sure glad she did!" That may sound a bit harsh I suppose, but addressing the 'beautiful baby thing' doesn't work either.....I've tried it! :-0 Sincerely, Linny

Here are some strange observations for you.....I have found that my parents are color-blind, but can be culture biased.....in other words, if you ACT white, then everythings ok. Sooo - the color of my 'kids' wouldn't matter, but how they 'acted' would! :/ My grandfather, when hearing of my decision to foster and foster/adopt, asked my mother 'what color is she gonna get' ( he knows me well). I told her the next time he asked, tell him green. Funny thing is, EVERYONE loves the kids....no matter what color they are (though my mother still finds my slathering of my aa kids with vaseline, lotion, oil, etc a bit off-putting ;) ) I tend to not notice other's reactions when I am out and about (something I will need to become more aware of as the kids will certainly notice) and since I am WHITE (refering to my extra-pale skin tone) I am sure we get a lot of looks. However, I find my blissful ignorance to be helpful in stopping comments. When someone asks about the kids, I give them a big gleeful smile and say "yep! They're mine" and find that they just give me a confused look but stop there. Talk to your dad - maybe helping him to understand that they will be 'your' kids will help? You should have seen my mother playing with my fs in the pool she bought him. They were both having so much fun - a child's glee transcends a lot, I find.

My father wasn't the most tolerant man before I adopted Maire-Kate. After Maire-Kate's adoption, though, he changed a lot. However, he started calling African Americans "colored". He wasn't being mean-he actually believed he was saying the right thing. So if he was telling me a story and mentioned a "colored man", I would say "Well, what color was he?". That kind of got the point across and he said "What should I say?" and told him "black" would be fine.

I've been off the page for a bit, but enjoyed reading the conversation. We have found we have to educate our parents, family, friends, etc... all the time. Example was the day my mother said, "Boy, they are little Blackie's... my girls have very pitch black eyes, and hair." Or the use of "Monkey" can be a unkind remark. Or when my mother-in-law sang "Jesus Loves Me" to refer to skin color didn't matter... and I had to say... people aren't really "red, yellow, black, and white." Or a friend answering a cell phone said, "We are with our friend, and they just adopted two orphens (I was at their birth and brought them home from the hospital). It gets frustrating at times... but I realize that we are moving the people around us forward in their thinking about humans and how being human doesn't mean we always have to focus on differences. If you think about it, we are all different within our own skin colors. Don't you wish we could stop focusing on skin color.

DH and I are cc & had 2 bio kids when we offered to adopt the baby of a 13 yr old rape victim who was planning to abort because the clinic staff told her "no one will want a bi-racial rapist's baby". Sadly, older members of my family had inherited racist beliefs...mostly a generational thing. Sigh. We decided to be upfront and tell them we were adopting a bi-racial child to let them get used to the idea. We were fully prepared to remove ourselves from family events if they couldn't control themselves and their tongues. I found it humorous that in general, to "prove" they are not racist, many CC would say "I work with black people" or "I have black friends". This was generally used before the sucker punch. My family had one basic concern. Hair. This was a major worry for them and they wouldn't ever have to fix the child's hair! LOL!!! I also learned that Halle Berry is the poster child for bi-racial females/children. If I had a dollar for everytime I heard "She is bi-racial? I'll bet she will be beautiful because ALL bi-racial children are beautiful...just look at Halle Berry!" LOL! Halle Berry is pretty stiff competition to live up to no matter what color you are! Anyway, when she was born, to the relief of the family, her hair was soft and curly. THen they began to worry about adoption in general. It was assumed by some and INSISTED upon by one woman that her birth mom MUST have been on drugs. Uh, no. Of course, we got the fear questions about her birth mom coming back, taking her, etc... Once that was discussed and as my daughter got older, we realized she was not hitting milestones. After extensive tests, we learned she has CP from the abortion attempt on her when she was 20 wks. She has epilepsy, requires PT, OT, speech, and behavior therapies along with medications. Now, we are the only people in our family to adopt. We are the only people with a multi racial child/family and now we are the only ones to have a special needs child. The issue of being special needs has been far more difficult for the family to deal with than issues of race and adoption. It is HIGHLY irritating the obnoxious, insulting comments. To the point where I really have distanced myself and my family from certain family members. On person asked me if the problem was genetic and I thought he was being genuinely interested and shared that we had been to genetic specialists and their tests revealed no genetic problems. He asked what we knew about the birth mom and I had been given medical records. He then said, "but you don't know anything about the genetics of the father"...well, NO...it was a rape. So, shortly after he states "I'm a big believer in genetics. My ex-wife and I are from good stock and my kids are from good stock. My grandkids have good genes." Well Hello Hitler! My jaw hit the ground. Then I was told as I was trying to explain why my daughter wasn't responding the way my other kids were that "she is just testing you...I know testing when I see it!" Ok, so I guess ALL those specialists are wrong and YOU know everything!?! I could go on and on about this issue. My daughter gets the look like she is something of disgust. That she should be able to control herself. That we should fix her. That we "can't take her anywhere" (which isn't true, but who need truth when you are dealing with morons?) That I need to "call Dr. Phil or the Nanny" for professional help. I get the distinct impression that people think because my adaughter ended up having medical issues/special needs that I somehow got a "dud"...like when you buy a car and get a lemon. This is MY daughter! I think they forget that anyone could have a bio kid with special needs. I actually had a genetic specialist tell me when he reported that his tests were all negative and after I shared with him her pre-birth medical history, "It isn't a problem that they were performing a 2nd trimester abortion. The problem is that they didn't complete it." EXCUSE ME??? I said, "Well, I'd rather she be delayed than dead." and that was our last visit with that guy. WHO SAYS THAT TO THE MOTHER>>>my daughter was in the room!!! Ignorant people with mouths are a menace! :arrow: I read a quote once: "Better to be thought an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." AMEN. PS: When sharing my adoption story, a non-cc person contacted me concerning the quote stated by the clinic staff (no one will want a bi-racial rapist's baby). She was upset at me saying "Why did you feel the need to mention that your daughter is bi-racial? Only redneck white christians feel the need to bring up race! I guess that is what you are." She also used some profanity. I couldn't care less what color skin my daughter has. It is my position that God is a master artist. He made all different shades of flower, tree, even grass. The variations are never ending! So naturally, being an artist, His greatest creation...HUMANS...would be of various shades too. All of which are beautiful because the Master created the palette and painted each of us according to His vision. I was particularly upset because I didn't make her race an issue. The abortion clinic staff did. I wanted this baby...I adopted her and am raising her. The clinic staff used her race as a reason for aborting her. And I am the "redneck" (IE racist)??? What does that make them??? I wanted her to live regardless if her skin color!!!!!!! Sad.

My dad used colored at first too! My step mother told me he was telling everyone at mardi gras (yeah he goes every year) that he had a new "colored" grandchild. I told her he better be careful or he was gonna get beat up :) My grandfathers friend also uses "negro" all the time and tells me where he is that what's correct...I tell him that would be correct if he was in Mexico, but I don't think so in Canada.

One of my grandparents uses the term "colored" also...and "mongoloid" (for those with Down's) among others which are now found offensive, but which were "normal" and "acceptable" for her generation. I try not to react with intense emotion, but instead remember where she is coming from. She isn't speaking out of malice, just a generational gap. I will say that I was concerned about prejudice considering the terminology, but my daughter is welcomed and treated as "part of the pack". I think in honesty, my grandma (and others) sorta forget my daugher is multi-racial. She is just "family". My grandma told me recently since we are the only people to adopt in our whole family (either side), the only ones with a multi-racial family and the only ones with a special needs child "this is all new for me...for all of us and we are learning as we go". I think that in itself is an important step...to admit we are not experts, will make mistakes, but are willing to learn and to try in love for one another. It is new for ALL of us...and we are all doing our best. Don't be doormats and accept obvious insults meant to be cruel, but don't go around looking to be offended either. It is easy to be offended, especially by those who are trying really hard NOT to offend! I got my head bit off several times for not using "correct" lingo on this site when I 1st arrived. It was ignorance,not malice. And what offends some will not offend others...don't expect people to read your mind. Take a deep breath and gently, respectfully educate. I think often this approach works better than a sarcastic repremand.

DH and I are both Asian Americans, though not the same ethnicity. Initially we wanted to adopt only a full or part Asian child, but after a lot of deep thought we opened our preferences to any ethnicity knowing that we'd probably be matched with an AA or biracial child. When we told our parents about our updated adoptions plans his mother asked, "don't you want to adopt a half Chinese, half Filipino child?" As if we can just go the agency and make an order? My dad asked, "so what, are you going to adopt just any kid?" My mom later told me that my dad preferred that we adopt an Asian child. Now MIL absolutely loves Devin (and actually thinks he's her son...long story). My dad has even asked me several times about protecting Devin from stereotypes and racism. I also learned that the Chinese term for AA that we've used our entire life is actually a racial term. Apparently there is not a PC Chinese term for AA so now that's exactly what my dad uses...African American.

DeNaJa, you're right about generational terms. I think some terms are "outdated" but people in their 70s and 80's used them and will be hard to say other things. My mother, who's a mix of AA, NA and Caucasian and raised AA, was called the N word in Catholic school because she had long hair. She has never referred to herself as black although my siblings and I have. It is what it is. and to the poster who said wouldn't it be nice to not have to worry about race?? YES; maybe it'll happen.... just maybe...

You have to be prepared to make a choice in this situation. Could your father come around? Possibly. But what if he doesn't? Your child deserves to be loved by you and everyone around you unconditionally. Honestly, I know you don't want people bashing your dad but the way he feels is wrong. You kind of seem to be making excuses for him. I know you love him. He's your dad but will that cloud your judgment? Kids are smart. Your child will understand the unspoken reality of how your dad feels. That is not fair to the child. My opinion is, if you are not ready to cut your dad out of your life if he does not come around, then don't do it. Wait for a CC child.

I would ask your dad his opinion & see where it goes. There were people in my family I assumed were prejudice (based on ignorant comments when I was younger) that I was willing to cut out of my life & it turns out they adore my son. There are people I didn't think were prejudice that are now out of my life now. Your family is you & your husbands decision - if you leave it up to your parents you miss out. (& you may be wrong about your dad-people change)

DeNaJa, a lot of your post resonates with me. People used to say all the time that my BR DD will be the next Halle Berry. Actually, my DD is much prettier than HB :evilgrin:. They also ask me where she comes from and look shocked when I say Florida. Also, the special needs thing is interesting to me. My in-laws didn't want us to adopt on grounds that one of the adopted people they know is addicted to drugs. As it turns out, our DD seems to be just fine developmentally and they adore her, but our DS, our bio child, has Asperger's/autism and they are in total denial about it. So they didn't want to adopt a child with problems, but our bio child's actual problems are ignored. They told us this summer that what he needs is psychological counselling because of "the way his parents relate to him." So it's better for them to think DH and I are really sh----y parents than to think there might be a biological cause. No, it's our fault. To the OP, that is quite a dilemma. Have you spoken with your parents about this situation? You never know -- they might surprise you if they know how strongly you feel about this boy. If he's still not receptive, I'd have to think long and hard about whether to cut him out of your life. Not only would that be heartbreaking for you, your son will likely have some notion that you are alienated from your dad because of him. That's a lot to put on a young person. Good luck,