How did you come to adopt a special needs child?

I honestly think people can handle far more than they think they can. I think if someone had told me before I got P that I could handle a kid like M, I might not have beleived it. Now, I have no problem. While it's true it does limit us far more than we would have thought, adn as he gets older it will get harder. This country is not nearly as wheelchair accessable as we think it is. Most restaraunts for example and some stores are not really good, things are too close together for a power chair. To go to the dentist I have to park in the back (blocking in all the empolyees) and take him in the back. The cost of driving the big van and other things that we had not really considered are frustrating, but we would not consider changing. Here is something interesting. When I told people we were going to get M, Some of the people who were the most shocked and had semi negative reactions were bio parents of kids similarly disabled. One parent I know was supportive right away and all the adoptive parents of such kids. One mom finally explained it me, (she did become supportive later as they all did when he was actually home) she said that she had not chosen this life and often wishes things were different and that her child had been born whole, plus there is the guilt that perhaps there was something she did to cause it. Since she would give anything to have a healthy child, she did not get why I given a choice would choose this life. I can't explain it either. I do remember specifically saying, I wanted to adopt a child whom no one else wanted. I did not want a newborn that had people lined up. Let them have the newborns, I have had that experience and though I love, love, love babies, I will give that to someone else. Right now, I would adopt more, but I think we have found dh's limit.

We don't have children with visible physical disabilities...just the invisible kind. LOL We didn't plan to adopt special needs, either. Funny how that seems to be a common thread running through many families who have adopted special needs! We had discussed adoption when we were first married, but as we lived in a travel trailer, then moved to a single wide mobile home which we remodeled...then moved again...well, we kind of put it off until 'we were settled'. :rolleyes: Additionally we had a surprise bio baby and my health was a bit fragile for awhile. We finally adopted when we were contacted about a relative in foster care who was likely going to go on to TPR. We got the homestudy and licensing all done for that, and then weren't chosen as the adoptive family for that child. (Another relative was matched with the child.) Anyway, there we were with a crisp and fresh new homestudy and an equally shiny new foster license, so our adoption cw suggested that we consider adopting a waiting child from foster care. Sure, in for a penny in for a pound. Right? We were just very clear that we couldn't adopt a child with FAS/FAE, only minimal special needs, etc. We now have 3, possibly 4, with probable FASD (fetal alcohol spectrum disorder), one who had emotional stuff relating to neglect, one who had significant speech delay, one with SI stuff, and it looks like one or two may have some mild cognitive delays. Since it is the brain we are dealing with no two are alike, and the 'gaps' (hiccups, processing issues, whatever) are different for each of them. If you'd suggested to me 7 years ago that I'd have 5 children, 3 or 4 of whom would have special needs (we're not sure about adopted child #4, but suspect alcohol), I would have laughed in your face! LOL Not ME! Ha ha, silly you! We were being careful and screening diligently so as NOT to adopt a child with FASD. Ah, but what did we know THEN? :evilgrin: I do think that physical issues are easier for me than emotional. The attachment stuff just wearies me beyond all bearing. We have two with mild attachment problems, and have fostered one with some more worrisome attachment problems as well. I don't think I'm cut out for parenting more than mild attachment issues! ...but then...I didn't think I was cut out for FASD, either, so what do I know?! LOL

We have always had other families children in our home for many reasons. And going for adoptions was never any problem with my husband or myself. Our first two were almost 10 years apart and totally different situations/kids.Then we sort of fell into the fostercare of the medical specialneeds and couldn't let one go back into a terrible system. We ended up taking guardianship as he wasn't free for adoption.After we had him for almost 10 yrs we filed to adopt with the family agreement.After all of the paperwork was done to start the waiting time he died. We knew he was supposed to not live a long time but had almost forgot as he had managed to go so far.But afterwards we decided to go the extra way and continue with a special adoption.We got a newborn a couple of months later and he is now 6. And then it just seemed we needed more and managed to get a couple of other boys a few years apart from a different state.One is now 10 and the other one was 7 but we lost him this past May. That has been the hardest part when our kids die before we are ready to let go.We have said room for one more so just refiled for any other specialneeds child. But our state has decided that we have to go through the entire paperwork from day one again.So may be a long time to have just the special one come here again.We usually don't take the emotional needs. But one of our adult kids is bipolar.As we are doing the medically kids only now. All of ours are in wheelchairs and are tube fed. Can't imagine life without our kids.

Welcome, I hope you will continue to post! We need more people on this board!

Our dd came with a bunch of her siblings. At first I was a bit uncomfortable with a physical disability but had lots of experience with emotional, sexual, and mental issues and leaned towards that. We were told she had CP but it was mild to moderate. I asked lots of questions about her abilities and needs. Then we were told the kids had been listed for adoption separately and we were their only hope b/c it is so rare for anyone to be approved for 6 kids at once. We agreed these were our kids and we would figure out how to cope later. It turns out she is fine. She wears AFOs and manipulates every adult she comes in contact with. Her physical disability is the least of her concerns. LOL

I know exaclty what you mean. My son's physical problems are the least of our worries most of the time. LOL He is also a master manipulater and has eating issues.

Even with all of the running we do for our boys for their medical I can't imagine life without kids with medicalneeds. Our Drs are a 65 mile drive one way; and I always say our van knows the way without me because some days I don't remember going through some of the small towns. We have tried every sort of transportation and now have a 15 passenger van with lift,raised roof,tie downs for 3 wcs;and still has the full back seat.I just gave our mimibus to our grown son to make a camper as I did not like messing with a manual lift.(TOO old for that now)And our conversion van seats in the garage waiting for someone to want it. It has a wc lift and still has a full back seat. We can get 3 wcs in it but was soo crowded. I am soo used to a big van that I feel uncomfortable in even hubby's 3/4t truck. Our 10 yr old is blind and mentally a 3 month old. We no longer send him to school as it upset him being around so many and they did nothing to let him know that someone cared.Within two weeks of not going to school he was back to the old self and laughing so much more. The 6 yr old will be going into that class this year and I have a big concern as it still has the same teacher. She is ok with the kids able to move about but not too good with profound kids.But this one is not one she can sit in a corner like the older one as this kid screams if things aren't to suit him.He has been in Early Childhood for three years but they won't keep him as he has aged out. That is the most appropiate class for his abilities. We never sent our 7 yr old as he had too many medical problems for our school system.Blind, deaf, mentally 1 month, plus breathing & kidney problems. Even at our age ( 70 & 62) we would have our home open too these kids as long as we can physcially handle them. We always say hearts to share room to spare.

We drive a conversion van with a raised roof and under the floor lift and it has four captains chairs. I often wish there was more room. We can fit our sons power chair and one other chair, but another power chair would be a tight fit. I have thought about chainging out the back row of captains chairs for a bench seat that would add another seat. Right now there are nine people in my house and I can't get them all in. I also have an 8 passanger minivan I drive when I don't have the wheelchair, like dropping off one of the other kids or picking them up from football or band. All of my kids are very verbal and are in school. My sister and her two girls ages 4 and 6 are now living with us and so I pick up and take to school six kids. I can get them, I Just can't add anotehr adult, like dh or my sister to get us all anywhere. I can't afford another car right now, but would get something bigger if I could.

This sentence sounds familiar, "We didn't plan to adopt special needs either." :arrow: I had a 2 yr old son and a 2 wk old daughter. I was recovering from my 2nd c-section and my 2nd surgery in under a year (11 months before the birth of my daughter, I had bi-level spinal fusion...yep, I have a metal spine!) We got contacted by a friend of mine. We had never met in person, but had been friends over the computer for about 2 yrs. She had aborted at 18 wks and 5 days and her son would have been a couple wks younger than my son. She had suffered physically and emotionally following her abortion and may not be able to have kids. Anyway, she shared her story publicly and in the audience was a young woman who approached her at the end of the evening. Her 13 yr old sister had been raped by an adult of a different race and their mother was pressuring the young lady to abort. My friend contacted me and I vividly recall praying, "God, I really want to offer to adopt this baby, but my husband is going to think I am insane! Help me!" At that moment, DH walked in and said, "I think we need to offer to adopt that baby." Well, we found out the girl had been taken in for the abortion. (the following details were relayed to me personally by the 13 yr old and her mother who was present at the clinic) She was given an ultrasound to determine gestational age of the baby, told it was 20 wks, but they wouldn't allow her to see the screen. She was not told any of her options, anything about the procedure including the risks, and nothing accurate about fetal development. They told her at 20 wks, her baby wasn't formed yet. When she asked about adoption, they told her "no one will want a bi-racial rapist's baby" and when she still hesitated, they told her she would die if she didn't consent to the abortion. She thought she was going to die having a baby no one would even want, so she gave in. Her mother told me she was "on the table, in the stirrups" and the doctor had started the procedure. They were doing a 2nd trimester D&E (live dismemberment) abortion without dilating the girl with lamineria (sticks of seaweed that are packed into the cervix and absorb moisture to slowly dilate the cervix used for 24-48 hours before the surgery). Instead he was dilating her manually with metal rods, doing in seconds what should take hours...and he was doing it while she was awake. Usually, a patient would be under general anesthesia. This girl was not. She got upset and the doctor stopped and told her mom he wanted her knocked out because "she is making my job too difficult". The abortion was rescheduled so the mother could come up with more money. In the mean time, the girl got accurate information and chose to continue her pregnancy. The clinic had tested her for STDs, but never gave her the results. When the girl started prenatal testing at 23 wks, she was found to have been given chlamydia by her attacker. If left untreated and especially if inserted up into a raw womb, could cause sterility (and blindness in the child)...and the clinic NEVER told her so that she could make an educated decision about the abortion AND get treated for the disease. She might have aborted at 13 the only child she ever would be able to get pregnant with. She was treated by her OB and cured of the STD. She asked my husband and I to parent her daughter and we joyously and humbly agreed. We met prior to the birth, had the same name in mind for the baby!!!, and she graciously invited me to be in the delivery room. What an honor!!! The sigh of relief and tears of joy in that room the morning she was welcomed into the world was overwhelming. The young mother told me that it had all been worth it...that SHE had been worth it. All seemed well health wise, but I realized after a few months she was not hitting milestones. We knew there was a risk due to the history (STD and abortion attempt)...we knew there was a risk with ANY pregnancy and any baby...and we were ready for whatever the LORD granted us. She is in PT, OT and Speech. We have behavior issues...an imature emotional response that is frustrating and confusing. I didn't know I could do what I do everyday. I'm stronger than I realized. I am continually amazed at the man I married. She is a "daddy's girl" and he is wrapped around her finger. When she developed grand mal seizures/epilepsy a yr and a half ago, my husband traveled 2 hours away without even taking time to pack a toothbrush or a change of clothes...with the stomach flu! and stayed with her in the hospital for almost a week. Then did it again a few days later! We rejoice at her improvements. We take her to doctor after doctor and run test after test, but basically, all they can tell us is it isn't genetic and they think she may have been harmed in the abortion attempt. One doctor had the nerve to tell me...THE MOTHER...to my face that "it wasn't that they were performing a 2nd trimester abortion, it was that they didn't complete it." Excuse me? I informed the insensitive butthead, "I'd rather have her delayed than dead." Would I adopt her again if I would have known she was special needs? YES...YES...YES!!!!!!! I love her! I adopted HER and love her...not her diagnosis or problems or issues or whatever. She is a precious little girl with feelings and dreams and ideas, and she is SILLY! She is precious not for her level of perfection or normalcy, but simply because she is one of God's little image bearers. Her life is valuable because human life is valuable...regardless of conditions. She was created to love and be loved. She loves with all her being and we all love her with all of ours! BTW...I went on to have another baby and they are the best of friends...partners in crime actually! Oh the mischief!!! So, I am busy, but obviously not too busy.

This is my first post at this site, but I have been involved in scrapbook boards for 9 years. Bear with me. DH and I have been married for almost 17 years. We have 2 bio sons (13,10) that are miracles (endometriosis, hyperemesis, reflux ~ 'nuf said). I was adopted, and special needs due to a club foot and amniotic banding syndrome (I'm missing some fingers and toes and required Forest Gump-like braces, 9 repair surgeries). Adopting a child was always my destiny, but it took a little longer for DH to get on board. I'm mainly in it for the little girl God chose not to send me through the conventional methods. I haunted the photolistings for about 5 years but never made a move until last summer when a 3yo girl with the same birth defect I have came to my attention. Heaven and earth moved and now we hope to meet her in January. She is in the Rostov region, so I have a lot of questions for anyone who has BTDT. Also, momraine, I noticed that your Russian Princess has prosthetics? Ours will need a prosthetic foot (and maybe ankle) as well as braces for the other leg which has the club foot. I would love to chat with you off board about your experience. I am in Montgomery, TX (an hour north of Houston) and would also be interested in knowing what support you have found in Texas. We are from San Diego where DH and I were both involved in the medical community (paramedic and ER nurse), so we are getting our feet wet finding out what is available here (plus, we are in a small town, but at least close to Houston). I don't want to ramble on with juiceless information, but am happy to answer questions. I have already learned loads from reading this board last night and look forward to 'meeting' you all! Merryann 2merryann@consolidated.net

We have been sitting waiting for our home study to be updated so we can start thr looking for just one more. Was finally contacted by our ssw who says it may be done by the end of Jan.The one child in our state that we thought about applying for was placed as of the 21st of Dec. So now we have started looking at other states. See so many we know we could handle but have limited our list to four kids. Two from OK and one from TX and one from GA. The one we think would fit best is from TX and since we have dealt with that state 3 times before we may see what happens to that child first.Everything now waits on the home study and were told that our worker isn't too fond of us wanting another child at our age. But I told her if we can make a difference in a childs life for one day then it is worth all of the paperwork. Daniel only lived with us one year to the day we buried him. But know we made such a big difference in his life as he did in ours.His loss has effected us so much as he was a part of our hearts the minute we laid eyes on him. And the fact of his lost due to a hospital error has not helps us heal. We do know the kids we are taking have very medical issues so are greatful for every day that we have them to love.We just hope that what time they are with us that we are making each day better for them. Our 6 yr old has also been pulled from the school system here. It was not worth the fight to have a teacher denied that she could not follow simple iep orders. And he came home too many times with feeding tubes hanging in the wheels and his neck brace undone.

I have a biological child who is 24 and was born with limb deficiencies due to amniotic bands in the womb.. He is missing his left hand and has only 2 fingers on his right hand. His right leg ends at at right above where the knee bone would be and his left foot is missing the outer rays and has 3 toes.. We never held him back from anything and always told him he could do everything that he put his mind to. He is now a computer networker and repairs computers for a very well known squad that runs around in those cute little VW cars.. He is 24 now..still looking for that woman who will look beyond the body and love him for the wonderful man he is. We were not planning on adopting again after our blessing from Guatemala but had signed with a website for adopting special needs(limb def) when we were adopting our Guat son..and never heard anything except for 2 years later of a little 2 year old with limb deficient arms. So we felt this was a God thing.. So we are on track to adopt this little boy who we feel is meant to be ours. We have been down this road before and we are actually looking forward to giving this child the same chance my older one had. I would love to take more home, but my husband says 7 kids is enough! thats my story..Coachmom

I would also love to take more, but my husband thinks we have enough at four. However, he recently said maybe later, like in a couple of years. Our youngest also has RAD and some other stuff so we are working on getting him closer to healed first. I will for sure adopt another limb different child if dh ever gives in!

I was pregnate when the state contacted me about my brother in law's girlfriend being pregnate. From the moment I heard the baby was going to be in state custody, that baby was in my heart. My son was 5 months old when the baby was born, with his twin sister no one knew about (no prenatal care). The babies were taken into state custody christmas day as M's sister needed emergancy heart surgery. They left the hospital with me :) The sister passed away at 6 mo old after several more surgeries. M is still with me (almost 9 yrs old now). M has a lot of breathing/immune, eating and behavior difficulties. We know he was exposed to alcohol and some drugs of unkown type. He's delayed and in therepy. I had no idea I would be the mommie of 2 boys so close in age. My oldest is very gifted (in addition to being "the oldest"). My dh has 3 girls from his first wife. The joke is that I have a "full hand" of children at this point. One of his girls has a joint disorder. As time goes by, I think about adding to our family. It would probably be another child considered "unadoptable" b/c that breaks my heart. Don't know what dh will say...

:arrow: so, my spell check is broken (or it's just too early)! It should be pregnant, not pregnate.... sorry