should we adopt again,or focus on preparing for retirement?

Ahhh, thanks Josie! I appreciate that. Brenda, my comments were not to condem anyone who feels the need to stay childless. I never intended for that. And believe me, I don't see things in 'black or white'. Our adoption experiences have taught us a lot on that (disruption, courts, failed situations, older child with RTC, etc), and I realize what dh and I do, is NOT for everyone. We have plenty of friends who are doing the 'American Dream Realized' via retirement and their children being gone from the home. They're happy. They're doing exactly what they want to do. I've no complaint against them, nor would I. --Bad deal when people do something they really didn't want in their hearts, KWIM? (And I've seen that too, in more ways than raising children.) I guess some of my thoughts, come from the fact that when we first brought our Miss A home, a LOT of ladies (older than me) approached me to say things like: "Ohhh, I wish we had another little one! I really wanted to have more, but dh wouldn't go for it!" Or, "Gosh, I wish we'd chosen to have more-then!!!" I'm just saying that there shouldn't be any hard and fast rule to raising children, when clearly, 'older' people can parent very well and effectively---if they want to. Some of us have no intentions of 'retiring' in the sense that some of society deems SO necessary, and instead of allowing them to feel 'guilty' for doing so, I think we ought to think, "Hey, why not?!", and give support to them for proceeding, and raising children well. And finally, regarding age....I fully know what you mean in terms of 'being older'. Certainly there needs to be a 'plan' in place that in the event one or both parents die, someone will help or step in. Many of us have that 'safety-net' in place, as well as plenty of life-insurance and little debt that might fall onto our children who might be left behind. It's not 'black and white'. I think it's being willing to look and step out of the box, IF that's what your heart desires, that's all. And, empty-nest, your comments of--- I applaud your thinking. You're looking over what's best for you, but still keeping an open mind---just in case! ((HUG)) Sincerely, Linny

Thanks, Linny.When I stopped to think about it, we gave our twenties and thirties to our kids and our forties to my FIL with his illness and end-of-life issues. Now we're entering our fifties. My dad died at 52, and left all my parents' dreams of retirement and travel and spending leisure time together unfulfilled. We don't know what the future holds, and we don't want to look back and regret what we missed by not taking this time for ourselves.

This is all I am saying. I think it is important that people look at their own, individual situations, guage their futures, and make a decision based on what they can provide a child, not just now, but 20 years from now. Not college per se, but emotional support and presence. See, here's where I am seeing the black and white. I do not intend to ever retire, most of my friends are the same. We see work as being an intigral part to a full life. However, most of us do not want to continue raising children. We see that part of our lives as over. When you said, it was presented as an either/or. There are plenty of other options to be fullfilled and needed besides raising more children. I applaud that you are preparing for your children's future, but I know quite a few adoptees who parent's failed to do that and they struggled considerably, that on top of losing their parents as very young adults.

What does this have necessarily to do with adopted children? Many parents don't "plan for their childrens' future" and many parents die young. My 29 year old daughter will never be ready for me to be gone, whether I die tomorrow or when I'm in my 80's. Should I then not have given birth to her at the age of 28? We teach our children to be responsible, respectful and hard-working. I think that's what all parents should be doing, regardless of whether their child is born to them in their 20's or adopted by them in their 50's. By the way, both of my parents are in their 80's, still golf, still travel a lot, just recently got rid of their sailboat for a motorboat because it's easier. My mother still volunteers at the nursing home visiting the "old folks." I'm hoping it's genetic:prop:

I agree with you Josie. Brenda....I have no idea how old you are, but believe me, at fifty, dh and I have seen plenty of people who feel once retirement age comes, they're gonna do nothing BUT ride the Harley's and play bridge every Friday night. Further, I know several folks who think 'retirement' also means they spend all of their hard earned money living in retirement villages where no children are allowed save for only a short time. Would this be the life you (as you describe), dh or I think is 'retirement' or doing what we plan/want to do? No, sure isn't. I think this is nothing like the life I want. Do dh and I ever plan to stop working at something, to some degree? Naw, we sure don't. My mom died four years ago at 73. My dad is almost 80 and just married the most wonderful lady who's 69. My grandparents lived well into their 80's and well into their '90's. But my SIL just died in March from Leukemia. She was only 47yrs old. Planning for the future with my children is only as much as I can make it. Age, has a little to do with it, but not everything. I've seen a lot of younger parents who take little time with their children because they're too busy fulfilling their own needs and wants. Their life? Of course it is. I don't think they're supporting their children emotionally or physically, you know? And heaven knows, they're supposed to have the health, vitality and willingness to be attentive parents. In that case, and that case alone, I don't think 'age' has anything to do with it. "Maturity", absolutely. "Age", no. We can all argue the pros and cons of older parenting. Much of it has to do with how our own parents attended to us while we were growing up. The fact remains, though, that many more parents are opting to adopt or birth much later than they used to. They're waiting until their careers are more secure (or deciding that 'career' wasn't what they really wanted), waiting until they're more financially secure, waiting until they can give more time and effort to raising their children! I understand your point, and it's a point well taken. But I give enough credit to those posting and asking about this, to feel they're considering all the the pros and cons from all angles, in order to make good decisions of whether to have any or more children, that's all. Sincerely, Linny

Almost 50... 48. I guess we know different people.:o

The chances of a twenty year-old losing a fifty-five year old parent is significantly different than the chances of twenty year-old losing a seventy-five year old parent. Yes, it does make a difference.

It may make a difference, maybe not. But a 50 year old woman with a husband 10 years younger also might make a difference. It does in my case.

[FONT=Verdana]Very interesting thread. Just to share my perspective. I just turned 46 today. And I have known for about 20 years that I can never have bio kiddos. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]After a marriage in my 20s that ended after several miscarriages, I resolved myself to living my life as a single. By the time I was 30 I had already mourned 3 babies. And I couldnt do it anymore. My ex husband wouldnҒt consider adoption. Who wants to raise someone elseӒs child? he would say to me. So sadly we drifted apart, and I let go of the life I had. [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]So instead I focused on my career and my education. And I rocked and rolled, and I traveled the world. And I always had my nieces and nephews to spoil too. But there was a part of me that longed for a child of my own to love and nurture. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]Then I met my sweet husband while I was living in [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]Germany[/FONT][FONT=Verdana]. My soulmate. Also a younger man. And one day he watched me cooing over a friendԒs baby and he said Laura, youӒre a mother in your heart. And your heart is breaking. Its time to look into adoptionҔ. And we never looked back. [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]I know for many people, theyre at a time in their lives when they can finally live unencumbered. And theyҒre ready to rock and roll. And I say God bless them. Rock on. :cool: Hey, I did it. And its great. But for me, itҒs the opposite. I never lived this life. And in my heart, this is what I always wanted. [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]Sometimes I look at Sabrina, and I just marvel. Could I possibily love anything or anyone more?! And the answer is no. My world is turly complete! [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]In the end, I think we all need to follow our heart. Wherever it leads us. Best wishes to all! :flowergift:[/FONT]

Larue, what a beautiful (and POSITIVE) post. And, may I add, what a BEAUTIFUL little girl you have? I'm older than you are but I can tell you that every day when I look at my beautiful children (and grandchildren) I am reminded of how much God has given to me. I'm thinking that because your life before your daughter was so full of losses, the gratefulness you feel every day is a hundred-fold!

thanks everyone,i really enjoyed reading all your post.hubby brought this up a few days ago,saying he really wants to adopt again.so we are seriously considering it now.will let you know what happens.

Larue......Your post and photo are beautiful. I"m glad to hear of 'older people' who find their heart's desire and pursue it. Blessings to you and your child. (((HUGS)))) momagainfive: I'm glad to hear this thread has brought about further discussion and consideration!!!! May you find the right answer to what you want to do, and if it's to adopt again....that's GREAT! :) Sincerely, Linny

We have 2 grown daughters (25 & 22), a 17 year old and have legal custody of an 8 year old, have adopted an 8 year old, a 5 year old & a 4 year old. Our current foster children who are just 2 and almost 3 will become eligible for adoption probably next week & we have made the VERY difficult decision not to adopt them. We also have 3 grandchildren (2 1/2, 16 months & 13 months). My husband is 48 and I am 47. These two children are going to require a lot of "special" help well into adulthood and we just decided we couldn't be their forever family. I've never had to make a more difficult decision but I believe it is the right one for our family at this time. Not to say if we have another foster child things won't be different but we've decided "not this time". Fortunately a maternal aunt & uncle have stepped forward & are beginning their homestudy. I met her yesterday & like her so THINGS ARE GOOD! LOL It is a very tough decision & I hope we don't have to make it again any time in the near future! GOOD LUCK with whatever you decide.

You can always adopt an older child at an older age if the point is to avoid having young ones when you are in your 60s.

I respect others' opinions who feel that they dont mind that their children foot their own bill for college or graduate school. I feel personally as a parent, I would rather have less children, but be able to make life easier for them if possible. It's hard enough to study and all without having to work 40 hrs a week. My parents picked up my undergrad and grad school 100%, and I was very serious about my studies. I ran a A-/B+ avg. throughout my tenure at college. And I wasnt out drinking every weekend either. To each his own, Amy K, NJ