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Originally Posted By BettyMI am a birthmom. I relinquished my son 30 years ago. It was, of course, a closed adoption. That was the only type of adoption back then. My son grew up in a home where he was not matched well. Genetics played an extremely strong roll in my son's identity. No one knew that this was going to happen back then. Today we know how strong genetics can be. My doctor, who is an adoptive father to a few children, told me that children are born with their gifts and adoptive parents have the responsibility to nurture those gifts. This is part of the definition of the adoptive parents parenting roll. Sometimes it is hard for adoptive parents to recognize the gifts of their child because they aren't aware of what those gifts could be and what to listen close to and watch closely for. If you want to be in tune to your child, ask the birthmother everything you can think of about "her" and the "birthfather." Some examples are: her interests, what she likes to read, does she read, hobbies, what she would like most to do with her life in the future, does she sing, is she athletic .... I should write so much more here, but this is so extremely painful for me. My son's gifts were many and those gifts were not recognized. He and I have reunited today, and I am disheartened by the fact that he is so very intelligent and gifted in so many ways and was in so many ways left behind. Yes, right now for you this is about you getting a baby -- but, it is going to be about a another person, that person is the person you are going to raise and helping them to understand their identity.
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Originally Posted By BettyMAshley, Thank you for your post. You have made it worth my effort to make such a post. Thank you for letting me know that it made a difference. My birthson and I have both been going through a major healing process since our reunion. I in no way expect to or want to replace his adoptive mother. But, I am interested in completing the circle and sharing the love that we can all have for each other. I want to share with you one book that has been very helpful for me to understand my birthson and his needs as an adopted person. It is entitled, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" by Sherrie Eldridge. Good luck in your parenting and if only my son could have had the opportunity to have an open-minded mother such as yourself. Thank you again and good luck.