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HI- a short intro... i usually post on the general support forum but me and my husband have 1 biological son, whom is 7years old and we had been TTC for almost 4 years unsuccessfully. We are DONE TTC and are waiting to be matched with a birthmom for 6 months now.
I often wonder when the pain on not being able to conceive will pass. I got pregnant unexpectedly when i was 17, and at the time thought my life was over. Me and my hubby had our son and 2 months later got married. (hubby was planning on asking me to marry him before we got the news anyways) I look back at that event now and think, WOW, god knew exactly what he was doing with my life and NOW i see why things happened the way they did. At the time i just couldnt fathum why on earth he was trying to "ruin" my life. Its not like i didnt want kids, i just wanted them a bit later in life. And i sure am glad that didnt happen cuz we would have none now, instead of 1. I just am having issues with getting over the hurt and the sadness of our infertility. We stopped fertility treatments 10 months ago after my failed IVF and i vowed that i was done after that. I honestly dont have any desire to be pregnant or to start treatments again or anything. i know that adoption is what i want to do and cant wait until we are matched.
Every once and while i just start crying for basically no reason waht so ever. Like, when i see pregnant people or when i think about people having babies, or when a friend calls me to say they are pg. it doesnt even have to be anything significant, i just start thinking about all the time, money, the effort that we put into having our dreams come true and then for nothing to work, and for my dreams to be crushed time after time, i get so emotional yet. I feel so unnormal!! like i should be over it by now. espiecally since we are adopting, i know that its only a matter of time before we get our baby, but i just cant seem to comprehend that. I know things will probably be different once we acutally have a baby, but i am so sick of being sad. I'm sick of feeling like i left my whole family down by not being able to have a sibling for my son and another child for my husband. And the worst part is that me and my hubby dont really communicate that well and i feel like he is long over the emotional toll of having kids that i should be too. How long do i sit here and say to myself that its normal to feel like this?? Its not that i'm depressed or anything. i'm acutally very happy most of the time and then all of a sudden these feeling will just jump on me and then i am a wreck.
Its hard for me to understand why God would let someone go threw the pain adn suffering of infertility. I know that the lord does what he does for a reason, but i cant see that reason right now. I feel bad cuz i dont think my faith is that strong right now becasue i'm angry at him for what he has put me and my family through. I sit in church angry at him when i watch the baptisms thinking that should be me, and my son or daughter! I believe in my heart that he will do what is best for my family but my mind is having a hard time believing it right now. ANy words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much, Rach
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I do want to put out there that sometimes God does not answer infertility with pregnancy. For us, He never allowed us to get pregnant either naturally or with IVF.
We had always planned to have our own and adopt through the fostercare system. Adoption was not Plan B for us. We waited too long to biologically have children though we tried. Dh had issues that didnt help any. So we decided to adopt not to fill the void that infertility left but to fulfill what God had told us to do -- adopt (to help a hurting child). Adoption does not cure the infertility void. Adoption is a calling and its about the child and not your desire to parent. I did grieve my infertility and lack of biologically being able to parent. But God spoke to us that we had to move forward. We did.
I can tell you its been 3 years in the foster care system. I feel its like the infertility journey. Lots of heartache, waiting and disappointments. But faint not because God is faithful. You must persevere. After all this time, we got matched with a sibling group. We just met them last weekend and they really meshed with us.
For us, God is still answering. But this has been our miracle. We were not originally picked for these kids but they came back to us. God is faithful. We cannot wait until the day they come home for good. Hopefully it is soon! Honestly, I do not think about getting pregnant anymore. I just enjoy my life as God has intended.
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I was glad to see this thread. I am a work in progress as well. We haven't adopted yet, but hope to be starting the home study this summer. I thought I was "over" my infertility, but then I found out a co-worker is pregnant and all those feelings just came flooding back. My tubes are blocked so the only way I can conceive is through IVF, but to add insult to injury I have uterine fibroids that prevent implantation. I did manage to get pregnant thru IVF, but miscarried at 10 weeks. My doctor suggested it was time to move on and suggested a surrogate or adoption. I guess working through the pain of infertility is a life long journey. Hopefully one day the pain will lessen. That's all I can ask for at this point. I'm excited about adoption though.
Truly it is a pain that is often times quiet, because not many can share in it unless they have walked there. I have found in these many years, it does not go away, but its often a pain that is dormant. So often the Lord allows us to share it in so many amazing ways... It brings hope to the one who is walking there, and as an Amom it brings encouragement to the one who is searching...I have found it silences conversations when truly no one knows the sorrow of the heart that desires to bear a child... Often times one can feel left out of the circle of parenting, because so many can really not relate and don't understand...I must say its that same thing as an Amom when so many seem bewildered as to how you can love a child with such a deep love, your ds or dd not by birth, but a miracle born in your heart... That is the true beauty in barrenness, when you can love beyond measure~~~~Only God can answer the cry of our hearts with that and He really does!!!I am amazed at how the Lord really wants women to know there is 'beauty in barrenness' and so many children are waiting for love, mentoring or just a role model to learn basic skills from...Blessings in all...
My DH and I have been TTC for 3 years and have suffered 2 miscarriages. The last one was so difficult. It came at the end of fertility treatments. We had decided to stop treatments and I got pregnant the next month, while not doing anything. We were overjoyed! That joy turned to heartbreak when we went in to the doctor for a 7 weeks ultrasound to see the baby's heartbeat but it wasn't beating. I had miscarried but my body hadn't figured it out yet. After a week we ended up doing a D&C. That week was torture. Knowing my baby was dead but still very much feeling pregnant. This past year has been very hard on us. Questioning God's plan for us. Why would He do this to us. We were ok with not being able to get pregnant then he lets us and then the baby dies. All of it has going through our heads.
We are now starting the adoption process. I still struggle at times but mostly I'm ok. I do believe that God allowed all this to happen because He has a specific child in mind for us and if I hadn't gotten pregnant last year then we might have started the adoption process earlier and our child wasn't ready for us then. But he/she will be now.
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Seansmtgirl,
I'm very sorry for your lost. I had a missed miscarriage also so I know what it's like to have to walk around knowing your baby is dead, but still having pregnancy symptoms. I must admit that this situation (as well as some other things in my life) has changed my faith a little bit and I'm still struggling big time. I thought I was ready to move onto to adoption, but have recently decided to think about it a little more. I received a notification that there was new post to this thread and wanted to come and reply. I hope to maybe one day be where you and your DH are in terms of questioning God's plan. Perhaps I'll never truly understand His plan for my DH and me.
God DOES have a plan..it took DH and I years to have our boys, and there was never a time where I didn't get angry, feel sad or want to cry every time I saw a Mom with her child. I was young, very fertile and able...but DH I knew had bad problems so It was what it was....but still...I wanted a baby and at 20 years old and a newlywed I felt like it should be an easy process and it wasn't....but looking back, and in my particular circumstances I needed a few more years to be "ready" really to be a Mom and all this time I felt God putting the idea of adoption in my mind only to finally have my miracle boys.
Today, it has NOW been a struggle to "adopt", funny as it may seem..the same sadness I have about ttc is now the way I feel about adopting...as it doesn't seem to be happening.....so....
What I am learning over and over again is that EVERYTHING is in God's timing. I too feel like maybe God still wants me to adopt but the particular child God wants is not ready for me or that God has a whole different way for me to go that I just don't know yet. It is so frustrating to see people ttc and get pregnant and now it is so frustrating to see people adopt so easily while for me...the process of having a family has been difficult all the way around, so I totally understand how you feel.
Just know that whatever happens you are going to be fine, God will bless you with the child(ren) you were meant to have....God never leaves us, just teaches us whatever we individually need to know...its only then suddenly out of the blue...what we want comes to pass...just keep faithful!
We dealt with infertility for 19 years before I finally had to have a hysterectomy. We never had the desire to do any kind of invasive procedures and just decided to let happen what will happen, but that doesn't mean I didn't cry and my heart did not break every time someone I knew got pregnant. I don't know why it took us so long to adopt... fear I suppose. It was something we always had a heart for but somehow it was just so frightening to me. The worst for me was when our best friends became pregnant with twins after a long bout of infertility. This was right after my hysterectomy. I really felt like someone kicked me in the gut, all the while I was smiling and saying how happy I was for them (I really was happy for them though but still it HURT).
For me, the real pain completely disappeared the day I met my daughter. I knew she was no substitute and that she was the ONE child we were meant to parent. I know it sounds cliche but I honestly know with every ounce of my being that I could not love her more if I carried and birthed her myself.
God bless!
Peabody1
Seansmtgirl,
I'm very sorry for your lost. I had a missed miscarriage also so I know what it's like to have to walk around knowing your baby is dead, but still having pregnancy symptoms. I must admit that this situation (as well as some other things in my life) has changed my faith a little bit and I'm still struggling big time. I thought I was ready to move onto to adoption, but have recently decided to think about it a little more. I received a notification that there was new post to this thread and wanted to come and reply. I hope to maybe one day be where you and your DH are in terms of questioning God's plan. Perhaps I'll never truly understand His plan for my DH and me.
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If you don't know how to adopt, stick around the forums and many of us will be glad to give any tips, information and just how to start it all.
Adoption is a journey in and of itself. It's very seldom easy; it's frustrating.....and it's not one to undertake (IMO) unless you're sure this is how your baby will come to you. Adoption is----as special---if not MORE so, than giving birth. That's my saying....and you can take that one and go with it. Dh and I intentionally built our family through adoption...never did worry about being fertile or not...and we feel incredibly blessed with and by adoption.
Only go into adoption if you're sure....but if you are------please feel free to pm me. I'll be glad to listen and help as I can.
Good luck....
Sincerely,
Linny
Wow it really is great to hear other women on here that have been through the same things with our bodies, minds, and hearts. I am really not exactly sure what stage I am at in accepting my inferitiliy but I was diagnosed with PCOS at the age of 15 so I have had 12 years to deal with this but I still always hoped that I would be able to concieve thru treatments when the time was right.... However my husband and I have been thru almost 3 years of treatments and I am reaching the point where I really just want to be a parent and it does not have to happen thru me giving birth. I do not have much personal experience with adoption but my father in law was adopted. My husband has been on the fence for a while now but he has recently come to the decision that he is ready to start our family with adoption as well. I have been buy books for my kindle on everything regarding moving from infertility to adoption and adoption itself and I am really finding so things that are helping me to understand my feelings. I agree with most about missing out on the experiences of carrying a bio child but I don't want to miss out on all the other great moments of being a parent. If anyone else has PCOS or just wants to talk PM me.
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Linny
If you don't know how to adopt, stick around the forums and many of us will be glad to give any tips, information and just how to start it all.Adoption is a journey in and of itself. It's very seldom easy; it's frustrating.....and it's not one to undertake (IMO) unless you're sure this is how your baby will come to you. Adoption is----as special---if not MORE so, than giving birth. That's my saying....and you can take that one and go with it. Dh and I intentionally built our family through adoption...never did worry about being fertile or not...and we feel incredibly blessed with and by adoption.Only go into adoption if you're sure....but if you are------please feel free to pm me. I'll be glad to listen and help as I can. Good luck.... Sincerely, Linny
CladdaughGal: I just wanted to encourage you to keep praying and try to be patient. I know it is so hard. I am in a similar situation...ready to go and ready to adopt but DH just isn't there. :( I just keep praying the Lord will put the same desire in his heart. Or if this isn't the Lord's plan for him to take the desire out of my heart. If you don't have the song While I'm Waiting by John Waller download it! I turn to it often when I am getting impatient and frustrated that my DH and I are not on the same time line.