New Year's Thoughts and Fears of an Expectant Mom

A statement that I've often seen here is the fact that adoption is a permanent solution to often temporary situations. Your husband is going through an identity crisis, who knows what the result of that will be! It would be horrible if you relinquished your child because you didn't want to rock the boat with your husband, but yet he left you anyway. You say that you can get help from your family, your husband will have some financial responsibility no matter what...it seems like you have the support system there to help you with the most difficult times. I URGE you to get some counselling. Unbiased...that is NOT from an adoption agency. I had no idea how much relinquishment would affect me. I still (24 years later) am learning what that did to me. Even if it is the RIGHT decision for you, it is a loss you will forever feel. I'm not saying it isn't the right decision for you! But I would just like to urge you to really research all of your options. Also, don't feel pressured to make any sort of decision until you are absolutely certain! I know mothers who took their babies home first or had them in cradle care first. Many of them went on with an adoption plan. Many of them realised that they wanted to parent. You're fortunate in that you've got the internet, this site, resources for information that I didn't have. I was told adoption was best for me and I was told how it was to happen (completely closed, wasn't even supposed to know the sex of my child). There are so many things I wish I'd known then, that I know now. And that is where my advice is coming from. :-) Try not to despair! I wish you all the best in your journey and hope you find the decision that gives you the most peace. And try to enjoy that life growing inside of you! I loved the feeling of being pregnant, even if the emotions around it were very difficult.

Please research all your options and don't feel like you have to make an absolute decision just yet. You will still need to revisit this anyway after you have your baby, as your feelings can change dramatically once the child is born. Are you getting any unbiased counseling? Have you looked into ways you can parent your child and what resources are out there if you choose to go that route? You can't "make" your husband be involved, if he does not want to be involved with your child, but he will be obligated to pay child support. I think I recall from your previous post that your family would be supportive as well? Keep in mind, it IS an option to take your baby home and try to parent, if you are still unsure about what you want to do. I had a friend who did this. She was very determined in planning for adoption during her pregnancy, but just couldn't leave the hospital without her son. She had a total change of heart after she had him, and she brought him home (she was still living with her parents and they agreed to this). After several weeks of trying to be a parent, she realized she was absolutely not ready, and ended up placing her child. She did not have regrets, but was glad she had the opportunity to spend some time with her child and make absolutely sure of her decision. Other women (I think some on here) have taken their children home and ended up parenting. Sometimes taking a few weeks to try parenting can help you determine for sure what is best for you and your baby. My advice is to really research every option. I know it is not easy to not have a set plan when you are expecting a child, but given the life-long implications of whatever decision you make, it's important that you really not lock yourself into anything just yet. You really do still have time to make your decision. And you don't have to relinquish a child at birth if you still need more time to decide.

HannahJane, obviously everyone is trying to support you and giving great advice. It appeared to me that you had already made somewhat of a decision. So, I support your decision, yet I also agree with all these other gals. Everyone, at some time or another, can find themself in a life very different than the one they wanted. Some things I'd like for you to consider....Life changes on a dime...what it is today is not neccessarily what it will be tomorrow. Hope is the anchor of your soul so hang onto it and don't let your happiness be in another person's head. It's not your job to make or keep anyone happy. (not even your husband's) Being happy is the result of choosing and we don't choose for someone else. So, if someone isn't happy, know that it has nothing to do with you or a baby. Look outside...don't see how dreary it might look. Be grateful and happy about your sight. I've met a few people in life that learned to cultivate thankfulness. They're just different. They don't cave to emotion. I think they get that life is a bigger picture than "here and now." Lastly, don't resent your infant. He or she really isn't the problem..but rather your husband, your financial position, what you fear "could: happen. These are all existing problems and were here before you got pregnant. Right? This will probably seem like a strange idea, but go read a motivational book. Like a Barbara Corcoran or a Chicken Soup for the Soul type book. See yourself stronger, better, winining! The mind is powerful. We need to use it as our emotional coach more often. Take the new year by the horns and whatever you decide, decide to dream again. Secretly, I'm pulling for your wonderful baby and you, its champion of a mother. Much love, Heartthunder

Hello Hannah Jane, Respectfully, that would depend on your definition of survival. Quite honestly, I have survived many tough situations in this life but adoption has not been one of them. Please take care in your decision. Once you sign those papers, you cannot take that signature back. Kindest regards,

So true Janey

Hello everyone, I went to the OB-GYN this past Friday. As I was leaving I went hysterical--crying uncontrollably, then hyperventilating. The fact is that I can't do this. I don't care if my parents, my friends, and every one of you think I'm the worst mother/woman on this planet. There is tremendous pressure on me to keep this child. Everyone is telling me that I'll regret placing this child for adoption for the rest of my life. I'm sorry to let everyone down, but I just can't do it. Maybe I'm just weaker than all of you. Maybe I'm just selfish. One of you suggested that I was giving up my child to try to please my husband. I would never give up this child to save my marriage. That's absurd. The fact is that I KNOW that I absolutely DO NOT want to parent by myself. I don't care about his money--I need his support. If I place this child for adoption, I KNOW that I will subsequently leave my husband b/c I will not stay with a man who is not willing to have a family with me. I don't want to do this b/c I do not have his support. To stay in this marriage would be to set myself up for the same heartbreak to repeat itself. I'm not strong enough to do this by myself. If the rest of you all are, that's great for you.

hi Hannah Jane, I am an adoptive mom and I hope you don't mind me chiming in. If you have fully explored all your options and you are still sure that adoption is right for you, just take it slow. I would suggest reading some of the posts by adoptive parents on these boards and doing lots of research about what kind of parents you want for your child, and which attorneys or agencies are known for completely honest and uncoersive policies toward expectant moms. And remember that your pregnancy and decision making and all the time you need after the baby is born are YOUR time to be a mom and do whatever you think is best for you and your baby. Also, please try to get some good unbiased counseling to help you handle your feelings during pregnancy, after the baby is born and post-relinquishment if that is what you decide to do. If you do decide to place your chid, it is important that you take full advantage of all the power and rights that you have before relinqusihment. If you wait til after, you may find yourself feeling weak and helpless because legally you wil have no rights that involve your child. I am sure the women who have placed their children for adoption will have much better advice than I do about what steps you can take, but please don't be afraid to continue to reach out for advice and support here.

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so overwhelmed. And of course adoption may be the right decision for you. I think that a lot of us who have relinquished just wanted to make sure that you know it's going to be tough afterwards. NOT that going it alone would be tough either! It's just something I wish I had known before I relinquished! Not that it would have changed my mind, but I would have understood that it was normal to feel the way I did and do. KWIM?? And remember that this IS a horribly emotional time. You've got a lot on your plate. Being pregnant is emotional even when it's planned!! SO, that said! HANG IN THERE! I do urge you to get some counselling, to help you through EVERYTHING you're going through. Take care of yourself and your baby. IF adoption is what you're thinking, think about what kind of adoption you'd like. Don't settle!! Talk to us about what you're going through. We've been there toots! Sure we come from different backgrounds and situations but those feelings of helplessness and trying to figure it all out, we've all been there.

Hannah Jane, no one should be pressuring you either way. I know a lot of birthmothers were pressured into relinquishing and that is terrible, of course. I didn't have that pressure, but my own OBGYN used to pressure me to keep my child, and it made me quite uncomfortable. It is a VERY difficult decision either way, and unfortunately, only you can decide what is right for you and your baby. I don't think anyone here would say you are selfish or the worst mother on the planet to consider adoption. And you are certainly not weak. In terms of regret, every birth mother is different in this regard. To be sure, it is a loss and a very hard loss to bear. I am not going to sugar coat that or lie about it. And I would not want to go through it again, that is certain. Nevertheless, I have not felt like I have regretted my decision to place, but I have regretted the circumstances I was in at the time. Unfortunately, I could not and cannot change those circumstances. I have often wished I was in a place to raise my child. The reality was, I wasn't, at least not in the manner I wanted him raised, and I am not talking about material things, either. I know some birthmothers who are perfectly OK with their decision, despite the losses and grief, some who deeply regret it, and every shade in between. It's really hard to say or predict how you will feel which is why I stand by my earlier advice of really weighing ALL options and re-thinking everything after your baby is born. You don't need to place your child right away, too, as I stated earlier. Are you getting any unbiased counseling to help you sort through your options?

Hello again, I apologize for my hysteria and sarcasm earlier. What I was trying to say was that I feel like I need more help than just a monthly check from my husband. While yes, I realize that I COULD raise my child on my own without my husband being there to help with mid-night feedings, childcare, and household responsibilities, I know that I don't want to do that. I know that must be difficult for many of you to hear because it sounds like many of would give ANYTHING to have the child back that you placed for adoption. I just think that there are people out there who could do a better job of raising my child than me plus the federal government subsidies. As for the counseling question, yes, it took forever for me to get the appointment set up, but I started in counseling yesterday (and don't worry, it is NOT through an adoption company). There are moments here and there where I feel like I could do it, but mostly I only feel that way after being told repeatedly by friends, family and this forum that not only CAN I do it on my own, but I SHOULD do it on my own. As soon as I am alone with my own thoughts, the panic starts to creep in, and I KNOW I can't. I am still holding out hope that my husband will decide that he wants to be there for me financially, emotionally, and logistically. He and I are in marriage therapy together, but it's still not looking good.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. You have to make the decision that is best for you irrespective of what you feel others think you should do. I had to go against what my family and husband thought I should do in two pregnancies and it was tough. I felt very overwhelmed and isolated. In the end I made the decision that I knew was best. Only I have to live my life. Please take good care of yourself during this time. One other note, please be sure you and your husband are on the same page. He will have to sign off to relinquish this child too. He needs to be prepared for that when the time comes.

CXBSoft DVD Ripper is the Excellent DVD ripping software which helps you Rip and Convert DVD to various video and audio formats with amazing sound and image quality. e.g. rip DVD to AVI, DVD to MPEG, DVD to WMV, ASF, MP4, RM, MKV, DivX, and Convert DVD to popular audio, e.g. DVD to MP3, WMA, WAV, OGG, AAC, RA, AAC, AC3. CXBSoft DVD Ripper software lets you Clip and Split a video into segments or Merge several portions into one. You may also crop, resize, edit or add effects such as watermark and subtitle to your ripped videos. Start ripping with CXBSoft DVD Ripper so you can share and enjoy personalized videos with family and friends! CXBSoft DVD Ripper has more settings which are easy to customize files Size, Quality, and Mono/Stereo Channel. Provides you excellent image and sound in smaller file size for iPod, iPhone, Gphone, Apple TV, PSP, PS3, Xbox, Mobile Phone, Windows Mobile, PMP, HD Video and Animation. [url=http://www.cxbsoft.com/dvd-ripper.html]DVD Ripper, Rip DVD to any Format Ripper, DVD to Pocket PC Ripper[/url]

HannahJane, There are birth mothers on here. There are women who hope to be mothers through an unbelievable gift. There are mothers who've relinquished their newborn and then had a change of heart and I'm sure the site has been visited by those placed is adoptive families. No one can tell you how to feel, they can only share their stories. A lot of those stories relate their misgivings, regrets, joy, etc. I've read some that I thought were "plants" by Pro-Choice readers, painting the worst possible picture of fear for women who don't relinquish. The point is....there are many opinions on here. Most with merit, a few that make me wonder what the heck they're doing here. The bootom line in all of of this is your choice will cost you, alone. Your child will live and probably better than you can afford right now, according to your letters. Your delimna is real and your choice will give your child life. You're are exhibiting the highest quality of any mother and that is the well-being of her child....even if it sounds selfish to unthinkable to anyone else. Selfish and unthinkable would be to abort your baby because you can't afford it or because your marriage may suffer. Thank you for thinking clearly and for not sacrificing the life of your child. Like I said earlier...the future isn't our to know...we just walk our life out day by day. Our greatest future plans are often interrupted by our present-day circumstances. Adoption is lamentable, abortion is forever. Good for you and kudos for your best-choice solution. heartthunder

I did it ten years ago this month and I know you can, too. I was in the same predicament you are and I did a semi-open adoption. I don't regret it one bit because I know my birth daughter is happy. Feel free to check out my ebook on booklocker.com under the family heading called "MacKenzie's Hope." I didn't think I could go through with it either but I trusted my gut and I'm grateful I did. Terri

How are you doing now? Are you still pregnant? How are things with your husband?