open adoption

Originally Posted By sheilaI am a birthmom and just to give you some info on us. We are a part of the childs life and need to be included. I am trying to get my closed adoption opened because i want to know how she is doing. I hope you take into consiceration her needs too.I dont want to interver with the family but need to know how she is doing. My pastor and his waife have an open adoption and they give the birthmom pictures and letters abnou tthe child. It has worked out very good for them.just a little info to ponder....dont put the birthmother to the background she is goingto give you a gift of life be gracious to her....

Originally Posted By sheilatku for posting the information about open adoption .. Yes the birthmom should not be considered to be bad to havwe acces with their child they adopted. I have a closed adoption and it si very painful to not know anything about her. I wish every adoptive mom would consider the birthmomand wehatshe has done for you....

Originally Posted By sheilaMy daughter was born in Corpus Christi, Texas August 15, 1990. She was given up for closed adoption with only a lawyer. I would love to talk to anyone who might know about this or anyone involved. I am wanting to open the adoption adn receive pictures and letters but nor inter fere with the family. We could go through a third party if needed. Please take this into consideration and i will be eternally grateful. Any adoptive parent to consider the birth mom is doinga wise thing.it will help the birthmom move on in her life . Atleast she wont worry how the child is doing because she was some information. Closed adoptions are very hard on the birthmom. Tks for any response.

Originally Posted By Cynic"When she finally delivered Alex, and the nurse asked her if she'd like to hold the baby, she answered by saying "no, the baby's mother will hold the baby" and she pointed to me." That is a very odd reaction for the birthmother, it sounds as if she was afraid to get too attached to the baby, but that is just my opinion.

Originally Posted By DonnaI am sure you have gotten a lot of messages by now. But I feel very strongly that a well thought and well written open adoption agreement can protect both you and any child that you adopt. A great book to read is "THE SPIRIT OF OPEN ADOPTION". As this book points out. When brth parents make a commitment to open adoption it allows the child the freedom from worry about where s/he came from. My whish as an adoptive mother and professional is that more adoptions had a increased level of openness. The secracy surrounding adption can very distructive to the development of the adptee. Additionally, when bith parents are given an opportunity to know how the child is doing, there is less anxiety, worry and grief that can cause life-long emotional pain and regret.

Originally Posted By Shannon (Tyler'sBmom8-31-2000)My reaction and words when Tyler was born were nearly identical. His amom was with me holding my hand and as a birthcoach when he was born. When I was asked if I wanted to hold him I told the dr and nurses that I wanted his mom to be the 1st person to ever hold him. He had only one mom hold him when he was born and that was Paula. Not me. So this is not so unusual a reaction when a bmom is mature and knows without a doubt she is making the right choice.

Originally Posted By Tina ZimmermannI and the mother of my daughter have a very open adoption and we wrote a book for our daughter on our adoption it is called for the love of mollie a adoption story in two voices. It is a gift for her. She is 10 years old annd knows me and her two sisters who are 6 and 5 months old. I would love to share our story with you about our storu you can e mail me at hildegard@aol.com. Our story tells you both sides of the adoption side hers and mine it's about love fear strengh. Two women who loved the same child. Love to talk to you tina

Originally Posted By CynicWhy do you not wish the best for their children? Shouldn't the concern be for the child and not the adoptive parent's fears. Coddling Terri and Kris does not benefit the children. I am so sorry that you cannot see how selfish they are. That is not just my opinion either.Dear Anonymous poster, do you think that open adoption means that the birthmother is having her cake and eating it too? That is the opinion of Terri and Kris. What that statement implies is that the cake would be parenting and the eating of the cake would be seeing the child on birthdays and holidays. Maybe they should not parent if it is such a negative thing for them. They can have their cake and eat it too by visiting friends with children, that way they do not have to deal with the chore of raising a child.

Originally Posted By Suzy in VirginiaYou go girl!! I am speaking to Cynic! I am a birthmother and what I can not figure out is why they are wanting an OPEN ADOPTION? Why not a closed so they can be selfish all they want!!!! I am offened and hurt by what she,Kris, said and I hope they realize what a hard thing it is to place a child up for adoption.YOU GO GIRL AND THANKS SO MUCH FOR STICKING UP FOR US ALLL!!!!!!! sUZY

Why do you constantly post negative messages. Your message sounds to me like it is all about the birthmother. What about the adoptive parent, we have no say in the life of our child (and that is what it is after the adoption - our child)? You may have had a bad experience, but don't try to ruin it for everyone else. I think it could be detrimental to the child if its bm decides to get invovled in their life after many years of no or limited involvement. There would be a lot of emotions at play and it may not always turn out positively.

Originally Posted By LisaThis is absolutely right-on. I am both an adoptive mom and a birth-grandmother in an open adoption. I am very sad for my Guatemalan daughters, who will never know their birth parents. And I am very happy to be able to be an extra Grandma in my grandson's life. Yes, it gets a little messy sometimes, but only because of the expanded numbers of people who love that little boy. My hat is off to his a-parents, who understand the benefits you have outlined. We have become great friends, even though the original connection was just the baby. This is the more common experience of open adoptions that are entered into with care and honesty. Thank you for sharing so articulately.

Originally Posted By sandiexcuse me kris! what a selfish person you are! do youhave any idea how hard it is to carry a baby for 9 months, then rip your own heart out to provide a betterlife for your child!!! you do not ever deserve a baby.I hope you pray to the lord for help!

Originally Posted By EmmaBirthmothers have NO rights. Once we sign the consent to adopt, we have NO rights whatsoever. Even the so-called open adoption agreements which dictate contact post-adoption can be revoked by the adoptive parents whenever they feel like it, and there is nothing we can do about it. Those agreements are there to ensure that the child grows up knowing who her birthparents are and why she was placed. Adoption should not be a secretive, shameful thing with the birthmother not knowing anything about her child. Frankly, getting an occasional photo or letter or an occasional phone call is NOT having your cake and eating it too. It rips my heart out to hear adoptive parents talk like you, Terri and Kris, do about birthparents. You want OUR BABY, our child, and then you think you have the right to stomp on us and treat us like dirt afterwards, after we have trusted you to raise our child and keep in contact with us. Frankly, I pity any woman who would place her child with either one of you. I know these are supposed to be supportive boards, but I can't help but be revolted by your comments.

Originally Posted By TashaI agree with your assesments of the birth mother seeming to "have their cake and eat it too." In fact I was just talking with my mom about this yesterday. The more I read about these real open adoptions, the more I think it sets up problems for the future. What people seem to want with an open adoption is to take away all the pain of adoption. As my mom says, anyway you look at it, adoption is painful. You can't get rid of that part of it. I really feel like a lot of the birth moms I see on here that want to be so involved in their kids lives maybe should have been encouraged to keep their children. Maybe if they had been given more support (either fancial or emotional) they would have been able to keep their child. There seem to be so many couples out there who are so very desparate to get an infant they aren't giving birth mothers enough time to fully decide if they can keep their child or not. If you want a child, there are sooooooo many kids to adopt. I'm not talking about perfect little white kids though. I'm speaking from much experience, since my family adopted six bi-racial kids, one as a 6 mo. another as a 2 mo. and then the other four 7,9,9, and 11. There are kids out there if what you truly want to be is a parent. I have also talked extensively with both of my brothers that were adopted as infants, and they are both opposed to the "full disclosure" open adoption. This should say something I think. This is not a negative post, this is a realistic post. Of course total open adoption may actually work for some, but I think that many people seem to forget about what happens when the kids get to be teens, and that's when the real fun begins! I think you'll see that most people who are saying it works great have young children. I'm still looking for info on what happens when the kids get older.Tasha

Originally Posted By TashaWow, Cynic,YOu are missing the point of their postings. What they are saying is that a birth mother in a very open adoption gets to have all the fun of saying they have a child, but doesn't do the hard work! That is the birth mother eating the cake! What happens when the child is 12 and mad that the adoptive parents won't let them do something? Do they call birth mom, and complain, and say "I want to live with you now!" That's what the above posters are talking about! And I don't think anyone should be able to talk a birth mother into giving up her baby. If you don't feel you should give your child up the DON'T. But the point of adoption is just that. If the birth mother decided she can not provide, and knows she won't be able to raise her child, and can deal with that, then maybe she should consider adoption. But don't assume it is in the best interest of the child to have the birth parents constantly in their lives. Maybe this is what is best for the birth mother,not the child. Are you adopted? Do you know what it feels like to be adopted? I have six adopted siblings, and I've talked with the two adopted as infants, and they are BOTH opposed to a very open adoption. That should say alot!