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Our daughter was born 8 weeks ago and has been with us since Day 3. She is an absolute doll. My husband fell head over heels for her at first sight - me not so much. The first 2 weeks were filled with anxiety. You see there have been many health scares with the birth family and I have been riding this roller coaster ride more so than my husband. Birthmom's first child had a tumor at age 6 (fathered by dad #1) that could be connected to a genetic component or could have just happened for no reason. Her second child (FATHERED BY DAD #2) has a rare genetic disorder that can cause problems with circulation and her third child (the only child that is a full sibling to our daughter, fathered by Dad #3)) was described as normal.
The day before our daughter's birth, the birthmom asked to meet with us to introduce her 2 youngest kids. After meeting the 22 month old, the full sibling to our daughter there was a concern about him beling "normal". He doesnt answer when called, he doesnt speak & he walks leaning forward on his toes. We were scared to death!!!!! birthmom would not tell us what was wrong. She said he was fine.
After 2 weeks my anxiety period seemed to have lifted and I started feeling happy...starting to bond. I have been less anxious & I felt like I was starting to connect with our daughter. That is until 5 days ago. Out of the blue I get an email from birthmom stating that she had to talk to me about some medical information. She tells me that her son is being tested for autism. He has been showing signs since 12 mos. She lied to us. birthmom has a ton of issues and loves the crazy drama which I don't do well with. She supposedly is bipolar but I think she self diagnosed. Ever since we spoke with her I feel like I've been going backward instead of forward and I'm worried. Has anyone had a problem connecting/bonding with your newly adopted infant? Has anyone gone back and forth...one moment you feel like you're bonding, the next moment not so much? Or has been through what I am going through? My stomach is full of knots and I don't want this to effect my new relationship with my daughter. Right now I feel like I'm babysitting, not her mom. How long did it take for you to bond with your infant? What about falling head over heels in love?
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FWIW, I have a special needs child who has/had a higher than normal chance to have autism due to a genetic disorder. I was literally scared to pieces finding this out; yet, I have to add that the 'genetic flaw' had absolutely nothing to do with either bio. It was literally, just a fluke......
My child is almost 3yrs old now. While there are issues that make a special needs child; the issue of autism has passed for the greater part. I have to tell you that because of that possibility of autism, I did attachment parenting like crazy! (Our family believes in attachment parenting anyway.) We were out to do everything we humanly could to increase the environment in such a way that it would decrease the chances of autism. Apparently, this technique has been very helpful.
As I said, we have some issues to deal with.......but the issue of autism is NOT one of them!!!! :)
As for bonding, my personal opionion would be to distance yourself from this 'drama seeking birthmom' so that you CAN bond with your baby as an individual----in and of herself, KWIM? Keep in mind that there are TONS of possible mental health issues, genetic issues, etc that can arise in biological birth children.....but because no one has seen these issues in recent history within the family, parents just assume the issues are gone. Not always true. *You* just happen to know how dramatic and 'fantastic' acting the bmom can be....sad, but true.
Distance yourself; give yourself time to 'see' your baby girl for who SHE is---apart from her seemingly histrionic bmom. This baby is NOT an extension of the bmom; she IS a unique individual with her own set of beautiful strengths and weaknesses.
You are her momma. You are here to help her in all capacities, period. She will 'imprint on *you*', if you will. She will carry your values, dreams, mannerisms, etc...........she is yours to raise, love, cherish and be a part of *your* family.
Give yourself time. It will come. Just try to focus on her being part of your family.
Most Sincerely,
Linny
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I'm so sorry to hear you are having bonding trouble. And it's not at all unusual for the mother of a newborn or a two year old to feel this way. It's just not discussed that much and I love that on these boards we can discuss it without feeling less than.
You have gone through a great change in your life and I believe that you could also have a bit of post adoption blues which will make you feel out of it a little. Sleep deprivation, change in schedule for eating, resting, exercise, etc. can slowly creep up. Try to rest and eat well and get out the stroller and walk your fanny off. It all really helped me with my first son.
I agree to distance yourself from any drama. Focus on the happy, beautiful bundle that you have and treasure all those moments that you imagined while waiting. Find the joy in the little things and they will build up until you are gushing with love all the time.
Keep in touch. Get the supports you need. Wishing you well and love ever after.
I am so sorry you are having a rough time. I think a good question to ask is: will I make a different decision about adopting this child if he/she is special needs? If your answer is no, that might free you to fall in love. It seems we keep our distance in uncertainty to protect our hearts.
When I felt the adoption of my dd was solid-thanks to supportive and awesome bmom-is when I fell deeply in love with her. Lucky for us, it was her first night on the planet alone with her in the sweet, quiet of night.
Best of luck.