Question for an adoptive mom from a b-mom?

Originally Posted By NicksterMommyI would send the Aparents a letter and ask if you could have some recent pictures. I would also ask if they could give you an update of what is going on in her life. I find it odd that you have an open adoption and have only received pix twice in 7 years. My son is 7 months old, and I have already sent his Bmom pictures 5 times and letters 4 times. We have agreed to send her pictures/letters every other month for the first year and twice a year after that. I would be willing to continue every other month indefinitely, and I'll let her know that at the end of the year. It will be up to her if she wants the pix/letters that often. Anyhow, back to you . . . I'd send them a letter and tell them what you said here -- that you are just curious how she is doing and would like to hear about her life. You aren't asking for a physical visit, so I wouldn't think they would object to this. They certainly shouldn't, considering they promised you an open adoption.Good luck!!

Originally Posted By binaDear SuzyI'm an a-mom and my feedback is to be very clear about how much contact you would like to have. Perhaps just say that you feel the time has come to define what "open" means in a more structured way. Ask for everything you want, don't hold back. If the a-parents don't want to or can't handle as much contact as you would like, they'll tell you what will work for them and together you can decide on a compromise. That is what open means to me anyway. Assure them that you want to find something that will be comfortable for everyone.. and that you need to be honest about what would work best for you.Please let us know how it goes.. I really hope it is very positive!!!!! You deserve the best. I know our bmom does too.If you need more specific support on this, just let me know.bina

Originally Posted By millfamily3Hi!I too would write the family a letter and ask them for some pictures! In my opinion, there it nothing wrong with that. I bet they have thought maybe you don't want them and have therefore not sent any! God bless and best of luck! :o)

I'm sure the adoptive mother's reasons were based on insecurities rather than a concern for the birthmother. If the adoptive mother was concerned about the birthmother, she would have asked her if she would like more information and pictures.

Originally Posted By bmotherThere is a book out there called ( How to open an adoption ).I forget the authors name but maybe this book can help give you some tips.

Originally Posted By Tina-birthmomWell I wish my adoptive parents would send me things of my boys too. I wrote to them and told them that if I didn't recieve anything by Thanksgiving I was going to go back to court.So if you want to do what i just told them. If you want lets talk.

Originally Posted By Cathie soon amomIf you have her phone number just call her and tell her what you said in this post. I will make sure that my bmom gets as many pictures and letters as she needs. I'm very surprised the counselor didn't have you guys make a decision at the time you were matched as a family. I think the agency should of help with that. I would call her and tell her you don't mean any harm. Hopefully she will understand your feelings. She has to remember that you are the one that gave her your child.

Originally Posted By JoyceSuzy, The best way is just the way you said it to us! Be honest and direct & let her know just what you would like and get her thoughts on it.

Originally Posted By JoyceCathie-soonamom, Hi! My name is Joyce. My husband Ceasar & I would love to adopt a child or children. We are not picky about the ages either. We would like to do open-adoption too. Do you know any birthmoms? We have our homestudy etc. Thanks

Originally Posted By Cathie soon amomHi Joyce,I am waiting for a birthmom to pick us as a family for her child. I don't know any bmoms. Good luck in your search for one. I have a feeling I will be picked real soon. It's a feeling I have had for awhile.....

Originally Posted By DeeDeeAs a mom in very open adoptions, I feel you should just sit down and write her a letter, let her know your feelings. Since she has exchanged letters & photos with you, she is open to this. Maybe she just wants to do it as she feels you are okay with. Let her know, and I bet she will more than likely be okay with this.

Originally Posted By AnneHi Suzy! My name is Anne and Iam the very happy and proud a/mom to four GREAT kids! The adoptions are all open...I was adopted and insisted upon open adoptions for my kids. Open adoption has been wonderful, and difficult. My oldest son, Jason, 15, has the most open relationship of all of the kids because we live close to his b/family. His b/mom went out of our lives for almost 10 years...we were devestated!! But she's back now, and I'm happy about that! However, there has to be alot of open communication. We email alot because we can say whatever we feel easier that way. I have put alot of demands on her, and she seems willing to do anything. We have a great relationship partly because we are both "sharing" the love we have for one teenager. We talk and talk and talk and talk some more...all the time. We had to find our own base and go from there before we could ever bring Jason into it. We became very close friends. Now that Jason is involved it feels OK. Am I threatened? Yup, a little bit. Am I worried that Jason will find her more attrctive as far as communicating with ? Yup, I am. But as an adult adoptee, I know it's best for him, and for her. When I found my b/mother I found a very emotionally unhealthy person. I did not want that for my son, or any of my kids. Our first adoption started out very closed, our choice. But once I did my search and found what I found, I knew if I was to truly be the best mother I could be, I had to open the adoption and facilitate the relationships. It hasn't been all rosey, but I know in the long run we will all benefit from it. If you want to contact me, feel free. If you want to give your a/family my email address, I would be happy to talk to them. Just remember to go slow, make sure they know you are not wanting to be in the child's life 100%, but that you feel, to be able to go on with your life, you need to at least try for more openness. Good Luck!! Love Anne

Originally Posted By Katie's MomI am an adoptive mom of a two and a half year old daughter. We currently have an open adoption with her birthfamily and feel it is a wonderful opportunity for us as well as our daughter. We as well didn't have a set plan as to exactly when we would write or visit or send pictures. I would like to tell you that, at least in my situation, I let the b-mom decide how much contact she wanted. I thought and soon realized how hard it was for her to see or hear from us. You really need to let your b-daughter's parents know your feelings truthfully. They might not want to disturb your life and may think it is just too hard for you to deal with. Let them know that you are not threatening them in any way and that you know that you made the right decision years ago. We are people too with feelings and fears. I know my daughter's b-mom's words and assurance of her decision has been a great comfort to me. As for the b-mom that told you she threatened to go to court if she didn't get what she wanted. This is never a good idea! Adotive parents feel insecure at times anyway and this would only make things worse. Besides, after an adoption is finalized, going to court is not an option. Back when your daughter was born, open adoptions were not as common and there was little support for them. Now things are different and they are becoming more acceptable. Be patient with the parents. It might take some time to get used to the openess that you want. Good Luck! and remember to just be honest.

Originally Posted By carol_belcher@hotmail.comAccess? We are in the process of adopting a child we have fostered. We are now considering access for the B.Mom. The visits for the past 10 months have not gone really well and have been very stressful on the baby, plus he has health issues. Can you tell me what is a fair access plan for an openess agreement???? Thanks Carol

Originally Posted By carol_belcher@hotmail.comAccess? We are in the process of adopting a child we have fostered. We are now considering access for the B.Mom. The visits for the past 10 months have not gone really well and have been very stressful on the baby, plus he has health issues. Can you tell me what is a fair access plan for an openess agreement???? Thanks Carol