My Story

I thought my first post on this forum should be me telling you about my self. I have two children that were adopted. The first one is now 6 and the other is 3. When the birthmom surprised me and said that she was 5 months pregnant I told her my worries about what my parents would say. I was afraid and felt she should know. But then I said that no matter what I would be there. She made the decision to place her up for adoption. Despite the fact that I did not want to do this I stood by her side through it. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. After the adoption was complete, everyone expected me to leave. The adopted parents treated me like I was nothing and the adoption agency offered me no help. They spent their time parsing the birthmom and making sure she had support.The birthmom spent the next 3 years treating me like garbage. She blamed me for the adoption and want me to suffer. And I did. She lied to me, about me, and did everything to make me feel horrible. This is just s short breakdown of what she did. There are some things that happened that are too painful to talk about. And despite this I stayed. I feel like it was my fault and like maybe I did deserve it. But after some family issues arouse I could not continue to be treated like she was treating me and deal with the issues going on I decided to breakup with her. About a week later she gave birth to my second kid. She had been lying for months about being pregnant again. When I found out I wanted to do nothing but run there and see my kid. I though "finally, I can have the chance I didn't get." But she told me the only way she would not put my daughter up for adoption was if I came back to her. I was not ready. She did not treat me good and nothing changed except the fact that she had another one of my kids. I was worried about the idea of being with her, being treated the same, dealing with the lying, uncontrollable spending, and trying to raise a kid with someone that did not value anyones opinion and feeling but her owns. She I said I couldn't do it but I still did not want to go through with the adoption. The next day the calls started. She adoption agency called and threatened me. They claimed I was abusing her and if I did not sign my rights away they would make sure she pressed charges. They said " the least I can do with everything I did to her was sign my rights away." I never abused her. I never hit her. In fact, the only person that ever hit someone in the relationship was her hitting me because I said she was acting like her mother(her mother was a abusive person that expected everyone to do everything she said, to never question what she did, and would treat her dad like crap). Unfortunately, as a man(and a black man) I know that it would be my word against her and theirs. I knew that she could go to the police and lie and with the adoption agency on her side would probably get away with it. So I signed away my rights. A year after this we once again tried this again . At first she seemed to have changed but now we are right back fighting the same fights. She lies but gets mad that I don't trust her. And now she wants a kid. She just turned 30 and now wants kids. But I keep telling her that I can't even consider it until things change. For one, I can't have a kid with someone that I can't trust. I dont want to have kids with someone that is not a good partner. I also feel like she did the adoptions because she just didn't want to have my kids. Like I was not good enough until now since she is 30 and feels presure. And I guess part of me feels like I dont deserve it. I don't deserve to be happy. That is some of my story.