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Hello Everyone,
I am new to this site. I recently started therapy at the age of 25 and needless to say it was long overdue.
I want to share my story and hear what other adoptees, birth mothers, and adoptive parents think. I want to start by saying I have a huge amount of respect for everyone involved in an adoption process. My story is not meant to attack anyone. It's my experience and as I continue my therapy I would love to use this as another source of recovery. One of my biggest reasons for sharing this is that I have not come across any support groups for my situation in own city. If you search " failed adoption " what pops up in support for parents who's adoption process who did not work out. I have found very little material on what is going on through the childs head.
Here goes-
My biological brother and I were adopted at the ages of 4 and myself 8 years old. We were adopted after spending years in and out of foster care because our birth family struggled with addiction. My brother was blessed with being young enough that our adoption was a clean slate for him. He was to be raised by two people that would be the only parents he would ever know. I had seen too much, been through too much in my first eight years. I had an abusive birth father and a mother who was so involved with her addiction that we were frequently pulled in the middle of the night to be put into various foster homes.
We met our adoptive parents in the fall of 1995. I can't recall exactly what I was feeling, other than I was excited at the thought of living in a lovely home with these " nice " people. They took my brother and I on fun weekend outings before we were able to actual live with them and we were able to meet the people that would be our family members. Eventually we were placed in their care. I left the horrible foster home behind and settled into my new life. I was told later on in life that they had chosen adoption because my adoptive mother had fertility problems and was not able to have children.
We had problems right from the start.
I had not had adults in my life showing me consistent love and care and I did not know how to handle a new " mom " and " dad " . I was acting out in many ways. In desperate need of attention, even if it was negative. I remember one of our first issues was my constantly feeling sick. I would spend most of my days at school with the school nurse. I did not know how to properly socialize with children my age.
About a year later I had my last visit with my birth mother before we were to be legally adopted . I again dont remember what I was feeling. I dont think I understood what this meant. I was 9 years old. My birth family gave me a huge photo album that would remain on my shelf for years at my new home.
The following years brought out repressed feelings from me. I was still acting out. I was either mad and argumentative or in wild need of love. I started to lie to my adoptive parents about things that were just not necessary. It seemed that I had taken on bad traits that I had seen from my birth family without even knowing it. My adoptive mother was a teacher and schoolwork became a big issue. I was either 100% into school or not at all depending on how I felt and how things were at home. She was an extreme perfectionist and this caused major problems.
During this time I overheard my adoptive mother discussing whether or not she could send me back . Needless to say , I had a problem taking to her after this. She assumed I should be happy. She herself was raised by a family other than her birth family. She used to say " I was so grateful for what I was given, why can't you be ?"
At this point my adoptive parents had no idea what to do to motivate me. There form of punishment was for the most part shutting me off from everyone and anything for years. I was allowed to go to school and be in my bedroom. I did not see friends for many many years other than at school. I was not allowed to watch any tv in our family room. I had to do what they said when they said it. I was not an individual at all.
This was backfiring because it only made me more distant. I didn't know how to voice the pain I was in. I was never put in therapy. The 8 years prior to them knowing me were a big mystery they never asked about.
As I got older I became curious about my birth family and I went searching for any paperwork that may be related around my house. They were not having this. They established a rule that I was not allowed around the house unless they were home. When I got home from school I had a key to our basement that I had to stay in until someone else came home. They were helpless and I was helpless.
In highschool things remained the same. It was a constant battle between us. One that was only dealt with by punishing me. I was so lost and hurt all the time. My grades were either straight A's or F's. There was no happy in between with anything in our household.
When my highschool graduation was nearing, I was so detached from our relationship that I chose to move out right away. An incredibly silly move on my part but at the time I needed to be away from them. Far far away.
I was so emotionally damaged that I couldn't get my life in order. I was only 17 and had no clue how to live on my own. I was living on a small savings I had and being reckless.
We emailed every so often.The older I got and looked for a healing process the more angry I got with them for not seeing clear signs of how badly I needed help . I read countless books on the signs of child abuse and what to expect from a child of addicts. I was the poster child. The more I tried to talk it out with them the further away they went. They said they would only see me and talk to me if I mailed them a pay stub every single week I worked. In there eyes this meant I was being a proper adult and worthy of their attention.
4 years ago when I had turned 21 I received an unprompted email from them . They told me that they considered this a failed adoption and did not wish to have me a part of their life anymore. They said they hadn't connected with me as a child and that it had become impossible to try to have one with me as an adult. They said that my brother would have to decide what to do with a blood relative. Wished me the best and that was it.
Over the years I have found some healing on my own. I had to try to forgive myself and not carry guilt with me all the time. I have had a wonderful boyfriend for years now who is a great support system. I have a wonderful circle of friends.
The big question on everyones mind is how could my adoptive parents choose to just give up.
Many of my adoptive relatives are in touch with me. Upon hearing this they shared with me that they always thought my adoptive mother had no maternal instinct and had always been cold to me. When people hear about this I have always said , " you dont understand how hard I made it for them " with great sadness. The response I receive 100% of the time is that parents dont give up. You love your child no matter what.
There are so many variables here. Present day I have no family but have a huge open heart that is aching for someone to love me. I think I still dont quite understand what it would mean to have a family , but i'm aware of its absence. I have not been able to see my dear brother in over 8 years because they would not allow it.
I have grown up. I am a trustworthy, caring, loving person. I have a great job I work hard at. A stunning apartment in a beautiful neighborhood. And most of all , I have a healthy lifestyle. I thank my lucky stars I was never tempted as my birth family was by drugs or alcohol.
My therapist is working with me in finding self worth and realizing I am worthy of love. It is a hard concept for me to wrap my head around.
I want whoever reads this to know that I am not bad mouthing my adoptive parents. I am looking for some understanding. I wish with all my heart I could have known how to be a good loving kid. It just wasnt in the cards for me.
I hope no one ever has to feel this pain.
I have to be an optimist though.
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My heart breaks for you. There is so much loss, and heart break. I am an adoptive mom, and my kids were older when they came home. My relationship with the girls is really good, but if I had followed the advice typically given to adoptive parents in the past, we would never be where we are today. It sounds like your adoptive parents made some big mistakes, but reading between the lines, they were probably doing what they were told was best. In 1995, there was little real information avaliable for dealing with traumatized kids. I was teaching preschoolers at the time, and had several kids with traumatic backgrounds. I remember trying to get help for one 4 year old, and being told it was hopeless. What I was told regarding his future made me livid, because after all this was a 4 year old. The few people that were trying to give hope to families parenting kids with attachment issues, had a very strict and rigid approach. Things like putting you in a room with nothing but a bare mattress, really would have been the advice they were given. Some of the holding sessions these kids were subjected too resulted in deaths. It was basically a form of brainwashing, but it was also the ONLY hope parents of traumatized kids were given. Imagine your adoptive parents, given little training, having no real idea of what they are getting themselves into, and full of hopes about having a family. They find themselves in over their heads, probably feeling angry, hopeless, and heart broken themselves. They start looking for advice on making things better. They are told to make you depend on them for everything, to make everything you receive dependant on your behavior, maybe even to hold you down and make you scream. It wasn't the right thing to do, but it may have been the only thing they knew. It might have gone against every instinct they had, but the experts told them this was the only hope. Eventually, even this fails, and what are they left with: no connection with the child they tried to love, and overwhelming sense of failure, and the judgement of their family members. What happened to you was not okay. I think though, it might be helpful to consider it as having happened not just to you, but to all the members of your adoptive family. They adults had more choices then you did, but they probably didn't know any other way. I was given a lot more helpful advice, and had much better training then an adoptive family would have in 1995. I was lucky enough to have enough experience with traumatized kids to trust my instincts and not always listen to the harsher advice. Even so, there were a couple years with my oldest daughter when I wondered if we would ever connect. There were days with my middle daughter, I wasn't sure we made the right decision bringing her home, and wasn't sure we would survive until she was an adult. I love all my kids dearly. After 6 years, I would say I have a very close, loving connection with all of them. I always loved them, but buidling a real connection was a hard road. We have done it, but we had everything going for us: lots of support from family and friends, good advice, reasonable expectations, new information from from more gentle parenting experts, and lots and lots of prayer from us and for us. My heart breaks for the children and families who were broken by the lack of knowledge, bad advice, and unsupportive systems in the past. I am not saying, keeping trying to have relationship with your adoptive family. It sounds like they are too broken to be anything but toxic at this point. I am also not saying, they are not responsible for some really poor decisions. I just thought it might be helpful to know a little of what might have been going through their heads.
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I'm so very sorry. As an AM, i can't imagine doing the things your AM did. There is nothing my DD could do that would cause me to give up on her.
I'm the DD of a mom who did cut me out of her life starting when I was 17 (she has mental health issues; borderline personality). I did not speak to her from age 23 until i was in my 40s. We spoke a couple times and that was it
I know that pain of being cut free and drifting untethered. I chose to cut ties with most of my BMs family because they didn't get is.. saw me as a bad daughter. its hard.
Getting therapy is a great idea. Also, define your family. find friends, individuals with whom you can make a life long connection.
And remember - you can't change your AM. You can't change how she sees you. All you can do is chose not to empower her to the level where she gets to define you in YOUR eyes, if that makes sense.
sending you loads of positive, healing energy :grouphug:
I am sorry. I am sorry that all of the parents in your life failed you. What a horror. Your adoptive parents are heartless, inhumane and deserve what karma will bring to them. There are bad birth parents, and bad adoptive parents, and you are the unfortunate victim of both. I had a monster of a birth father, and ended up with a monster of a adoptive father as well. I am not sure what else to say, except that you should be very proud that you have pulled yourself up and managed to establish a beautiful, responsible life. Bravo! Many people with brilliant, caring families have not done what you have. You are worthy and incredible! Just curious, can I share your post on my blog, adoptionfind.wordpress.com ? I would like back to this forum, so that others in your situation can share and respond. Let me know and blessings for a wonderful future. Vicki-lynn
(((hugs))) My heart is broken for you. I'm glad you found a good therapist and have some family members who stayed in touch. I'm so proud of you for overcoming your past instead of just slipping away. It took an incredible amount of strength and courage. I wish I could hug you in person. Know, when you're reading this, that I am there holding your hand.
Thank You so much for sharing. I agree your case is text book. I just joined so I'm not sure how this works. From what I have read I can honestly say I am proud of you the way you have pulled your life together. I am much older than you.Over the years I have found that the more I tell people what happened to me I push them away. If you feel comfortable I would love to listen bzzzyguy@hotmail.com
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Ashley,
I am so very sorry that the system really failed your family. First not protecting you and your brother and then not preparing your aparents or you to bond as a family. I would agree with Bluebonnet that most likely the training was limited and they had no idea what they did not know. Unfortunately, our parents (bio and adopted) often fail us by being very human and deeply flawed. The email from your afamily was just ridiculous and I am sure their intention was a closure and to be able to stop wishing things could be different.
Its not clear to me whether you want a relationship with your aparents and brother or not? I am sure your brother would like there to be more healing in your family.
I wish you peace on your journey and hope that you find great happiness in whatever family you make for yourself.
Hi Ashley, I read your post and was taken by how close our feelings were at that young age.What is even more amazing is that you were able to identify them, remember, and then share them.I am considerably older than you and I am a male adoptee.I did not have addiction from my birth parents but in many respects there was the same kind of loss of understanding.At 5 months, I was sold into adoption through the black market in a different era -- when married childless couples could buy children. It was a time when even childless married couples were suspect.The hype at the time was that b-moms were giving up those children to an upstanding a-family who could provide considerably more opportunities than the b-mom. Carey Grant and Irene Dunne were on the silver screen promoting adoption.Altho adopted at 5 months, I had no idea that acting out could be coupled to grief and loss. When I acted out, I was in fact grieving.I knew I was "different" from my peers. I also knew I had gaps in my head that I couldn't fix. They were just there.My a-parents didn't know how to help and moreover, had no interest in trying.There was a great deal of abuse at all levels because I had to be made to conform to the family climate into which I had been sold. After all, I was suspect and tainted.What I longed for, and believed was that if I could work hard enough, I could obtain value, and ultimately be admitted to the family. Once admitted to the family, my adoption would be washed away, and I could become an equal with my family and peers.Not so. Adoption is a life long sentence and cannot be washed away even in the face of re-union.I was never admitted to my a-family even tho the contributions made to their lives were considerable.I wanted a better life. I put myself through school and found that my grief and loss beginning so long ago, did not interfere with the contributions I was able to make to the lives of others. And for that I am grateful.Thank you for posting. Your story reminded me of how far we have come.I wish you the best.
Hello Everyone, I am new to this site. I recently started therapy at the age of 25 and needless to say it was long overdue. I want to share my story and hear what other adoptees, birth mothers, and adoptive parents think. I want to start by saying I have a huge amount of respect for everyone involved in an adoption process. My story is not meant to attack anyone. It's my experience and as I continue my therapy I would love to use this as another source of recovery. One of my biggest reasons for sharing this is that I have not come across any support groups for my situation in own city. If you search " failed adoption " what pops up in support for parents who's adoption process who did not work out. I have found very little material on what is going on through the childs head. Here goes- My biological brother and I were adopted at the ages of 4 and myself 8 years old. We were adopted after spending years in and out of foster care because our birth family struggled with addiction. My brother was blessed with being young enough that our adoption was a clean slate for him. He was to be raised by two people that would be the only parents he would ever know. I had seen too much, been through too much in my first eight years. I had an abusive birth father and a mother who was so involved with her addiction that we were frequently pulled in the middle of the night to be put into various foster homes. We met our adoptive parents in the fall of 1995. I can't recall exactly what I was feeling, other than I was excited at the thought of living in a lovely home with these " nice " people. They took my brother and I on fun weekend outings before we were able to actual live with them and we were able to meet the people that would be our family members. Eventually we were placed in their care. I left the horrible foster home behind and settled into my new life. I was told later on in life that they had chosen adoption because my adoptive mother had fertility problems and was not able to have children. We had problems right from the start. I had not had adults in my life showing me consistent love and care and I did not know how to handle a new " mom " and " dad " . I was acting out in many ways. In desperate need of attention, even if it was negative. I remember one of our first issues was my constantly feeling sick. I would spend most of my days at school with the school nurse. I did not know how to properly socialize with children my age. About a year later I had my last visit with my birth mother before we were to be legally adopted . I again dont remember what I was feeling. I dont think I understood what this meant. I was 9 years old. My birth family gave me a huge photo album that would remain on my shelf for years at my new home. The following years brought out repressed feelings from me. I was still acting out. I was either mad and argumentative or in wild need of love. I started to lie to my adoptive parents about things that were just not necessary. It seemed that I had taken on bad traits that I had seen from my birth family without even knowing it. My adoptive mother was a teacher and schoolwork became a big issue. I was either 100% into school or not at all depending on how I felt and how things were at home. She was an extreme perfectionist and this caused major problems. During this time I overheard my adoptive mother discussing whether or not she could send me back . Needless to say , I had a problem taking to her after this. She assumed I should be happy. She herself was raised by a family other than her birth family. She used to say " I was so grateful for what I was given, why can't you be ?" At this point my adoptive parents had no idea what to do to motivate me. There form of punishment was for the most part shutting me off from everyone and anything for years. I was allowed to go to school and be in my bedroom. I did not see friends for many many years other than at school. I was not allowed to watch any tv in our family room. I had to do what they said when they said it. I was not an individual at all. This was backfiring because it only made me more distant. I didn't know how to voice the pain I was in. I was never put in therapy. The 8 years prior to them knowing me were a big mystery they never asked about. As I got older I became curious about my birth family and I went searching for any paperwork that may be related around my house. They were not having this. They established a rule that I was not allowed around the house unless they were home. When I got home from school I had a key to our basement that I had to stay in until someone else came home. They were helpless and I was helpless. In highschool things remained the same. It was a constant battle between us. One that was only dealt with by punishing me. I was so lost and hurt all the time. My grades were either straight A's or F's. There was no happy in between with anything in our household. When my highschool graduation was nearing, I was so detached from our relationship that I chose to move out right away. An incredibly silly move on my part but at the time I needed to be away from them. Far far away. I was so emotionally damaged that I couldn't get my life in order. I was only 17 and had no clue how to live on my own. I was living on a small savings I had and being reckless. We emailed every so often.The older I got and looked for a healing process the more angry I got with them for not seeing clear signs of how badly I needed help . I read countless books on the signs of child abuse and what to expect from a child of addicts. I was the poster child. The more I tried to talk it out with them the further away they went. They said they would only see me and talk to me if I mailed them a pay stub every single week I worked. In there eyes this meant I was being a proper adult and worthy of their attention. 4 years ago when I had turned 21 I received an unprompted email from them . They told me that they considered this a failed adoption and did not wish to have me a part of their life anymore. They said they hadn't connected with me as a child and that it had become impossible to try to have one with me as an adult. They said that my brother would have to decide what to do with a blood relative. Wished me the best and that was it. Over the years I have found some healing on my own. I had to try to forgive myself and not carry guilt with me all the time. I have had a wonderful boyfriend for years now who is a great support system. I have a wonderful circle of friends. The big question on everyones mind is how could my adoptive parents choose to just give up. Many of my adoptive relatives are in touch with me. Upon hearing this they shared with me that they always thought my adoptive mother had no maternal instinct and had always been cold to me. When people hear about this I have always said , " you dont understand how hard I made it for them " with great sadness. The response I receive 100% of the time is that parents dont give up. You love your child no matter what. There are so many variables here. Present day I have no family but have a huge open heart that is aching for someone to love me. I think I still dont quite understand what it would mean to have a family , but i'm aware of its absence. I have not been able to see my dear brother in over 8 years because they would not allow it. I have grown up. I am a trustworthy, caring, loving person. I have a great job I work hard at. A stunning apartment in a beautiful neighborhood. And most of all , I have a healthy lifestyle. I thank my lucky stars I was never tempted as my birth family was by drugs or alcohol. My therapist is working with me in finding self worth and realizing I am worthy of love. It is a hard concept for me to wrap my head around. I want whoever reads this to know that I am not bad mouthing my adoptive parents. I am looking for some understanding. I wish with all my heart I could have known how to be a good loving kid. It just wasnt in the cards for me. I hope no one ever has to feel this pain. I have to be an optimist though.
Like you said, stories of disrupted adoptions often come from the perspective of the parents - your story is extremely valuable because it provides the perspective of the child. Thank you so much for sharing.
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Hi my dear,The pain you feel is exactly how I feel. I just turned 21 and have been on my own for over a year and it was the best decision of my life. I have never felt so free, alive, healthy, happy, and at peace. My story is rather long but I have read a lot as well about failed adoptions on the child's part but there are many instances of there are issues with the adoptive parents. I was adopted at ~9 with my three younger sisters to two older couple. I myself had PTSD from the traumas that I experienced in Ukraine so I am sure I came with a number of challenges with trying to cope with my childhood. Of which my parents made no effort for me to get any help. Everything was okay initially but as time went on physical abuse began, verbal abuse, and sexual abuse all went to full bloom. All four of us were divided among each other and we were forced to choose sides between their parenting styles. We were constantly told that we should be grateful for everything they have done and that it would have been worse being in Ukraine. There was constant brainwashing, manipulation, stalking, controlling, and gas-lighting; didn't help that my father was a lawyer. Having been the oldest of the girls, I constantly felt responsible for them as they were the only family I have ever known. Wanting to have told the police countless times but there were no visible marks on us, a facade to the public, and the brainwashing of the girls against one another. Sent me to the point of insanity and wanting to end my life on many occasions. Especially when I told her about the sexual abuse (of which we all told her numerous times over the years about various experiences that we all felt disgusted by him). She ended up saying that it would be better for everyone if I had just left the family and that I was no more important then the other five people she had to take care of. I still to this day have no idea what that means. Finally my sister last year told me about sexual abuse that she experienced and it ended with both of my adoptive parents getting arrested for child abuse and my adoptive father for sexual abuse to my sister and I. Not only that, he ended up committing suicide right in the beginning of the investigation. Which i might add was the best thing he ever did for any of us.Because my two younger sisters thought there was no problem with the way my adoptive mother was, they still live with her. I have not spoken to my adoptive mother in a year and a half.This last year has been one of the hardest years of my life . I have been going through therapy and doing a lot of research about trauma and how to try to dig myself out of that whole. And for once in my life, I do not feel like I am crazy. Which I am sure, you ashleynwmn87 probably felt at some point. It has been a long recovery and I still have a lot of healing to do still. May you please keep recovering and if you ever want to message me, I would so be happy to do that!
I was adopted within my family. My biological mother had me, i went to foster care right after birth, she didn't sign the papers. So she took me home and kept me for 11 month and then gave me to her older brother and his wife. My adoptive mother had 5 children of her own.. They changed my name from Rachael to Natalie. I have no idea why people do this. Its already hard on a 11 month old child to lose their mother but to be called by a new name is absurd. I feel like its not the adoptive parents worrying about the child attaching it the child being changed so they can attach and I was their niece.I remember I was very clingy.. I would hold onto my mothers skirt.. (1978) they would wear house dresses..and I was 4 when my adoptive mother turned to me in anger, slapped my hand away and said,"Stop grabbing onto my skirt! You are always under my feet! I wish we never adopted you!" I remember the spite and the hate that was on her face. I asked my grandfather when my grandparents came to visit what adoption was and he told me who my mother was. They thought my grandfather was the one that broke the adoption news but it was her own hatred that did she just didnt remember. As I got older I did everything wrong, I even laughed wrong, i talked to much, i wasnt like the other children. She talked about my mother like she was a whore that cursed all the time.. That I acted just like her.. My older sister who 13yrs old when adopted protected me a lot and I remember her arguing with our mother and I remember our mother saying," If you dont like it why dont you leave and take that whore baby with you." I remember her beating me for breaking a candy dish to the point I lay on the ground and lost consciousness. My older brother thought she had killed me. I remember how much I loved her but I was so worried about upsetting her, my father was kind and when he got home from work i remember jumping on his lap and just bring held. She had my youngest brother 4yrs after I was adopted. They now had 7 children. My fathers attention was less I remember my mother complaining that he showed me to much and I am sure she needed help with the infant. She used to lock me and one of my older brothers outside all day, We would drink out of the hose. His twin got to stay inside because she said he was helpful and not a hindrance. So it wasnt just me she chose favorites with her own children. Abuse went on for years, the beatings got worse..beaten with a deep frying pan because I didnt wash it good enough and her taking the grease and shoving it in my mouth was the last time she touched me because I told the therapist and the next thing I know they took me out to dinner and then to a state park. They told me I was going to live with my Aunt (My biological mothet) I said,"For the summer?" They said,"No for the rest of your life." I begged and pleaded to be better to be whatever they wanted. I sobbed.. A few weeks later I was dropped off at my Mother's 1 bedroom duplex. They gave me the picture album, and that was it.. My brothers and sisters were not allowed to contact me, my parents didnt contact me.. When I was a few years older I saw my siblings away from my adopted parents. They were not allowed to call me their sister or brother. Only cousin. I see them at family functions.. I was told that I needed to forgive and get over it. Can anyone tell me how does a child get over the loss of her family? How does a child get over being discarded like her life didnt mean anything, how can a child ever really trust.. When the people that were supposed to protect and love her destroyed that. I was married and of course I was young. I have two children of my own whom I love but I do have to force myself to hug and to pet. Its not something that was ever done to me. .In my extended family the failed adoption caused a major riff between my biological mother, her brother (my adopted father), their 2 sisters, and brother. All of that is still an open wound and I am the reminder. Its a rippling effect of shit that all comes back to me.. So I have decided to give them all up for adoption. I decided to give them all away and I basically washed my hands of dealing with any of it. I will say this to any Adult who adopts a child. Its not about you. When you sign those papers your only job is to love. Your only job is to nurture and build and teach them how to be decent human beings and parents. If they never love you, hug you, have emotional issues, ect. Deal with it with emotional intelligence. We are not dogs from a shelter, we dont need to be renamed, we dont need to conform to what you want us to be... So think long and hard because your actions effect the innocent (the adoptees) who never had a choice. The lonliness and despair and not being loved is the greatest form of poverty a child can endure.
I was adopted within my family. My biological mother had me, i went to foster care right after birth, she didn't sign the papers. So she took me home and kept me for 11 month and then gave me to her older brother and his wife. My adoptive mother had 5 children of her own.. They changed my name from Rachael to Natalie. I have no idea why people do this. Its already hard on a 11 month old child to lose their mother but to be called by a new name is absurd. I feel like its not the adoptive parents worrying about the child attaching it the child being changed so they can attach and I was their niece.I remember I was very clingy.. I would hold onto my mothers skirt.. (1978) they would wear house dresses..and I was 4 when my adoptive mother turned to me in anger, slapped my hand away and said,"Stop grabbing onto my skirt! You are always under my feet! I wish we never adopted you!" I remember the spite and the hate that was on her face. I asked my grandfather when my grandparents came to visit what adoption was and he told me who my mother was. They thought my grandfather was the one that broke the adoption news but it was her own hatred that did she just didnt remember. As I got older I did everything wrong, I even laughed wrong, i talked to much, i wasnt like the other children. She talked about my mother like she was a whore that cursed all the time.. That I acted just like her.. My older sister who 13yrs old when adopted protected me a lot and I remember her arguing with our mother and I remember our mother saying," If you dont like it why dont you leave and take that whore baby with you." I remember her beating me for breaking a candy dish to the point I lay on the ground and lost consciousness. My older brother thought she had killed me. I remember how much I loved her but I was so worried about upsetting her, my father was kind and when he got home from work i remember jumping on his lap and just bring held. She had my youngest brother 4yrs after I was adopted. They now had 7 children. My fathers attention was less I remember my mother complaining that he showed me to much and I am sure she needed help with the infant. She used to lock me and one of my older brothers outside all day, We would drink out of the hose. His twin got to stay inside because she said he was helpful and not a hindrance. So it wasnt just me she chose favorites with her own children. Abuse went on for years, the beatings got worse..beaten with a deep frying pan because I didnt wash it good enough and her taking the grease and shoving it in my mouth was the last time she touched me because I told the therapist and the next thing I know they took me out to dinner and then to a state park. They told me I was going to live with my Aunt (My biological mothet) I said,"For the summer?" They said,"No for the rest of your life." I begged and pleaded to be better to be whatever they wanted. I sobbed.. A few weeks later I was dropped off at my Mother's 1 bedroom duplex. They gave me the picture album, and that was it.. My brothers and sisters were not allowed to contact me, my parents didnt contact me.. When I was a few years older I saw my siblings away from my adopted parents. They were not allowed to call me their sister or brother. Only cousin. I see them at family functions.. I was told that I needed to forgive and get over it. Can anyone tell me how does a child get over the loss of her family? How does a child get over being discarded like her life didnt mean anything, how can a child ever really trust.. When the people that were supposed to protect and love her destroyed that. I was married and of course I was young. I have two children of my own whom I love but I do have to force myself to hug and to pet. Its not something that was ever done to me. .In my extended family the failed adoption caused a major riff between my biological mother, her brother (my adopted father), their 2 sisters, and brother. All of that is still an open wound and I am the reminder. Its a rippling effect of shit that all comes back to me.. So I have decided to give them all up for adoption. I decided to give them all away and I basically washed my hands of dealing with any of it. I will say this to any Adult who adopts a child. Its not about you. When you sign those papers your only job is to love. Your only job is to nurture and build and teach them how to be decent human beings and parents. If they never love you, hug you, have emotional issues, ect. Deal with it with emotional intelligence. We are not dogs from a shelter, we dont need to be renamed, we dont need to conform to what you want us to be... So think long and hard because your actions effect the innocent (the adoptees) who never had a choice. The lonliness and despair and not being loved is the greatest form of poverty a child can endure.
Last update on October 14, 8:23 pm by Yve Brown.
This is from the viewpoint of an adoptive parent. First, I'm sorry for those of you that had parents with no maternal or paternal instincts. I'm single parent adopter. I adopted 2 sets of brothers: L, came home at 6, his bio brother, P, came home as 12 and J and B came home a year later at 8 and . P was 2 therapies as he was the victim of SA by bf. J and B had multiple placements so they were put in talk therapy. One problem is both sets of brother had bio family not far from where we lived. That made the situation raw. I read about trauma therapy on the predecessor to this site and looked into it. The therapist J was seeing was versed in EMDR and he would get that. It took me while to get B into trauma therapy. The problem is both J and B are still healing and now teenagers so that's all thrown together. Also, I'm older and I don't have the patience I did when they were younger. I am proud to say P graduated high school and is now enlisted. L is looking for a job; he has a learning disability so his options are more limited. J and B both messed up school last year and are getting back on track. B is on probation but he's doing what has to be done. I do agree that adoption is for the kids but it's not as easy as one may think.
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This is from the viewpoint of an adoptive parent. First, I'm sorry for those of you that had parents with no maternal or paternal instincts. I'm single parent adopter. I adopted 2 sets of brothers: L, came home at 6, his bio brother, P, came home as 12 and J and B came home a year later at 8 and . P was 2 therapies as he was the victim of SA by bf. J and B had multiple placements so they were put in talk therapy. One problem is both sets of brother had bio family not far from where we lived. That made the situation raw. I read about trauma therapy on the predecessor to this site and looked into it. The therapist J was seeing was versed in EMDR and he would get that. It took me while to get B into trauma therapy. The problem is both J and B are still healing and now teenagers so that's all thrown together. Also, I'm older and I don't have the patience I did when they were younger. I am proud to say P graduated high school and is now enlisted. L is looking for a job; he has a learning disability so his options are more limited. J and B both messed up school last year and are getting back on track. B is on probation but he's doing what has to be done. I do agree that adoption is for the kids but it's not as easy as one may think.
I can relate to what you've been through and the fact that the media shoves false narratives about adoption is really disgusting. It's not uncommon at all to be placed with abusers. I was placed into a violent and alcoholic home with a mother who is a sociopath. She abused me in every way she could. Reliving the nightmares in therapy sent me into a nervous breakdown. The problem is greed and corruption within the child welfare system.
Hello Everyone, I am new to this site. I recently started therapy at the age of 25 and needless to say it was long overdue. I want to share my story and hear what other adoptees, birth mothers, and adoptive parents think. I want to start by saying I have a huge amount of respect for everyone involved in an adoption process. My story is not meant to attack anyone. It's my experience and as I continue my therapy I would love to use this as another source of recovery. One of my biggest reasons for sharing this is that I have not come across any support groups for my situation in own city. If you search " failed adoption " what pops up in support for parents who's adoption process who did not work out. I have found very little material on what is going on through the childs head. Here goes- My biological brother and I were adopted at the ages of 4 and myself 8 years old. We were adopted after spending years in and out of foster care because our birth family struggled with addiction. My brother was blessed with being young enough that our adoption was a clean slate for him. He was to be raised by two people that would be the only parents he would ever know. I had seen too much, been through too much in my first eight years. I had an abusive birth father and a mother who was so involved with her addiction that we were frequently pulled in the middle of the night to be put into various foster homes. We met our adoptive parents in the fall of 1995. I can't recall exactly what I was feeling, other than I was excited at the thought of living in a lovely home with these " nice " people. They took my brother and I on fun weekend outings before we were able to actual live with them and we were able to meet the people that would be our family members. Eventually we were placed in their care. I left the horrible foster home behind and settled into my new life. I was told later on in life that they had chosen adoption because my adoptive mother had fertility problems and was not able to have children. We had problems right from the start. I had not had adults in my life showing me consistent love and care and I did not know how to handle a new " mom " and " dad " . I was acting out in many ways. In desperate need of attention, even if it was negative. I remember one of our first issues was my constantly feeling sick. I would spend most of my days at school with the school nurse. I did not know how to properly socialize with children my age. About a year later I had my last visit with my birth mother before we were to be legally adopted . I again dont remember what I was feeling. I dont think I understood what this meant. I was 9 years old. My birth family gave me a huge photo album that would remain on my shelf for years at my new home. The following years brought out repressed feelings from me. I was still acting out. I was either mad and argumentative or in wild need of love. I started to lie to my adoptive parents about things that were just not necessary. It seemed that I had taken on bad traits that I had seen from my birth family without even knowing it. My adoptive mother was a teacher and schoolwork became a big issue. I was either 100% into school or not at all depending on how I felt and how things were at home. She was an extreme perfectionist and this caused major problems. During this time I overheard my adoptive mother discussing whether or not she could send me back . Needless to say , I had a problem taking to her after this. She assumed I should be happy. She herself was raised by a family other than her birth family. She used to say " I was so grateful for what I was given, why can't you be ?" At this point my adoptive parents had no idea what to do to motivate me. There form of punishment was for the most part shutting me off from everyone and anything for years. I was allowed to go to school and be in my bedroom. I did not see friends for many many years other than at school. I was not allowed to watch any tv in our family room. I had to do what they said when they said it. I was not an individual at all. This was backfiring because it only made me more distant. I didn't know how to voice the pain I was in. I was never put in therapy. The 8 years prior to them knowing me were a big mystery they never asked about. As I got older I became curious about my birth family and I went searching for any paperwork that may be related around my house. They were not having this. They established a rule that I was not allowed around the house unless they were home. When I got home from school I had a key to our basement that I had to stay in until someone else came home. They were helpless and I was helpless. In highschool things remained the same. It was a constant battle between us. One that was only dealt with by punishing me. I was so lost and hurt all the time. My grades were either straight A's or F's. There was no happy in between with anything in our household. When my highschool graduation was nearing, I was so detached from our relationship that I chose to move out right away. An incredibly silly move on my part but at the time I needed to be away from them. Far far away. I was so emotionally damaged that I couldn't get my life in order. I was only 17 and had no clue how to live on my own. I was living on a small savings I had and being reckless. We emailed every so often.The older I got and looked for a healing process the more angry I got with them for not seeing clear signs of how badly I needed help . I read countless books on the signs of child abuse and what to expect from a child of addicts. I was the poster child. The more I tried to talk it out with them the further away they went. They said they would only see me and talk to me if I mailed them a pay stub every single week I worked. In there eyes this meant I was being a proper adult and worthy of their attention. 4 years ago when I had turned 21 I received an unprompted email from them . They told me that they considered this a failed adoption and did not wish to have me a part of their life anymore. They said they hadn't connected with me as a child and that it had become impossible to try to have one with me as an adult. They said that my brother would have to decide what to do with a blood relative. Wished me the best and that was it. Over the years I have found some healing on my own. I had to try to forgive myself and not carry guilt with me all the time. I have had a wonderful boyfriend for years now who is a great support system. I have a wonderful circle of friends. The big question on everyones mind is how could my adoptive parents choose to just give up. Many of my adoptive relatives are in touch with me. Upon hearing this they shared with me that they always thought my adoptive mother had no maternal instinct and had always been cold to me. When people hear about this I have always said , " you dont understand how hard I made it for them " with great sadness. The response I receive 100% of the time is that parents dont give up. You love your child no matter what. There are so many variables here. Present day I have no family but have a huge open heart that is aching for someone to love me. I think I still dont quite understand what it would mean to have a family , but i'm aware of its absence. I have not been able to see my dear brother in over 8 years because they would not allow it. I have grown up. I am a trustworthy, caring, loving person. I have a great job I work hard at. A stunning apartment in a beautiful neighborhood. And most of all , I have a healthy lifestyle. I thank my lucky stars I was never tempted as my birth family was by drugs or alcohol. My therapist is working with me in finding self worth and realizing I am worthy of love. It is a hard concept for me to wrap my head around. I want whoever reads this to know that I am not bad mouthing my adoptive parents. I am looking for some understanding. I wish with all my heart I could have known how to be a good loving kid. It just wasnt in the cards for me. I hope no one ever has to feel this pain. I have to be an optimist though.