Why would a birth mom cut off contact?

Thank you for your response, millie58. Grieving makes perfect sense. So I guess I should step back now, and leave the ball totally in her court?

Give her some space.... The loss of her daughter may be fully hitting her now because she has recently had another child. My recommendations (as an adoptee):* Continue to provide her with everything you had promised pre-adoption (whatever those things were).* Continue to make her feel connected and welcomed. Text her occasionally just to see how she is doing.* Make sure you always keep up-to-date on her contact information, so your daughter can easily locate her one day (if she chooses).Hopefully, she'll want to reengage. But, some mothers just find it too difficult.

Yes; she'll get in contact when she's ready. She's good as long as she doesn't make any promises. That's what mine did.

You might also consider sending her a gift for the new baby, if you're sure she has custody. My son's bm had a baby 6 months after we finalized his adoption. It was very hard for her leading up to the baby's birth, and immediately after. She told me that her 2nd son's birth brought up a lot of emotions about my son. I sent her a huge box of stuff (she was really struggling financially after getting away from a very unhealthy relationship (bd of both kids)), some new clothes mixed with hand me downs that my son had worn, diapers, wipes, etc. She LOVED it (loved the hande me downs the most), and I think it was a huge step in building our relationship. We aren't that close, but she still mentions that pkg along with a photo album I sent her that had pics of my son from 3 months (when we got him) through the present, with plenty of blank pages for her to fill with future pics that I sent.

Thank you for the advice. Keeping up with her contact information is difficult. She moves a lot, and her phone # changes often. I was texting regularly, but with no response I felt like I was bugging her.

I love that you gave her a photo album! I did give her my daughter's hand-me-downs already, and I have a bag full of new baby clothes and diapers that I was planning on giving her at our next meeting. That's partly what's so weird- we had already even picked out a location to meet at. I wonder if the new boyfriend is not supporting this.

If I was texting someone with a response, I would feel the same way.Just give her some space and maybe attempt to check back in with her via text in a month. Just let her know that you're concerned and want to make sure she is okay. Then, if she's not responding, just continue to attempt to check in every couple months or so. My guess is that she'll be back. I can only imagine the memories that may have been triggered for her by the birth of her other child.

She's grieving. Nine years after placing my son I still grieve. I'm pretty sure that 35 years after placing me, my first mother still grieves since she denies my existence. Always be available and don't take her pullbacks personally. This stuff is hard and just like you, first parents don't have a manual.

Our LO's bmom was in contact during her pregnancy. After placement, we heard from her once or twice and that was it. No response to anything. We finally heard from the agency, when she was pregnant again.This pregnancy, she's communicating through the agency. We've had one fb message since we matched. I know that she tells the agency about our updates but she never even acknowledges them.She's had the same issue with her other 2 placements. Those 2 families cut off contact. 1 sends no updates,the other barely sends updates and they're always late. They never send extras. It makes her angry but even though it's been suggested that she start acknowledging the updates or interacting. She just says she can't.In her defense, there are bigger things for her to deal with. She has 2 kids at home, she's worried about housing all the time. She's worried about food, gas for the car, childcare for her kids, and now legal issues because she couldn't afford booster seats. Responding to me,is just one thing too many. The updates are important to her, but responding to them is too hard.I have a feeling that many bmoms have that same issue. Think about it, it's hard for us to know what to say and we aren't dealing with whatever situation contributed to them not raising their child.

Thank you, those are valid points. But I still don't get why she would un-friend the FB account if she wanted the updates.

Thank you for your input. No doubt she is grieving. I spoke to her while she was in the hosp. after delivering this recent baby, and she was absolutely TERRIFIED that she would not get to leave the hospital with her. Like L4R said, I know it brought back tons of horrible memories and feelings.I guess I just need to give her more time.

I imagine it is hard for you too. So when I placed my son it was voluntary, ie no involvement with CPS, I don't believe anyone skips to an adoption agency because they want to do an adoption, anyway, I would terrified that I wouldn't get to keep another child if I were able to get pregnant again. My boyfriend is a great dad to his son. That isn't the problem. For years I felt like Kiddo's mom and dad were hovering, waiting for me to get pregnant again so that they could have another baby. They always asked if I was going to have more kids. Was the guy I was dating father material? On and on. It felt like vultures, I'm telling you. A lot of women that experience the trauma of losing their child to adoption, be it through CPS or DIA, are terrified about losing subsequent children or not being a good enough parent. Another thing to remember is that even though it seems like we (first parents) should be joyous and appreciative that we get contact, a lot of us don't do it for us, we do it for our kids. It hurts like hell to talk to my son. It hurts like hell that he calls another woman mom. It hurts like hell that I see him and have to leave him behind when I go home to my own house. It isn't as bad as it used to be, because I live with my partner and we have a full house of animals, but I used to go to home to an empty house. My folks would go to the visit with me, drop me off at home and drive the last two hours to their place. A part of me died every time. It is like ripping duct tape off my heart. I don't know how else to describe it. I get to a place where I have most of it taped up, and only a little leaking, then I visit him, because it is what is good for him, if anyone knows that it, it is me (I'm adopted) but I do that at the expense of my heart. I know you are taking care of this wonderful little being and get the joy of being the mommy and can't understand why she wouldn't want to share in the joy right? Think about if at 9 months, heck 9 weeks, 9 days, 9 hours, you were told you needed to give the baby away to someone you barely knew or didn't know at all. Would it be easy to be in touch with that person? Just some perspective from the other side of the fence.

This all makes a lot of sense. Thank you for sharing it.

I think that it probably just got too hard to deal with and she needed a break. Maybe she wanted to share things on FB regarding the new baby and wanted her privacy for that. If I had lost custody through DFS and had another child, I would probably think twice, maybe three times, about allowing the adoptive parents to see anything about my current parenting. I'd be worried they might take something out of context and report it and I'd lose my child. Remember though, that this type of fear wouldn't have anything to do with the ap's or our relationship. It would just be my fear. Someone in her life could have planted that idea as well causing her to close the FB connection. In the end, don't overthink it. She obviously needs a break for some reason and it's not personal to you or your daughter. She has your contact info, just give her time. You may hear from her in the future.

This too, makes perfect sense. Thank you to all who took the time to respond. When I voiced my concern about this to friends and family (and my own mother!), I got a lot of "Well, aren't you kind of glad?" :( Why would something that has the potential to cause my daughter pain make me happy? Thank you for all of the assurances that this may just be a temporary situation. I definitely came to the right place for advice. :)