Is it just me?

Kathleen, I'm glad you feel terrific about relinquishing your children. I sincerely hope your reunion goes great. But it seems a little strange to me that if you are so proud of giving your children to someone else to raise that you are keeping them a secret from your husband and children. Secrets are usually kept because they are shameful. You admit that you didn't want to be a mother at the time you gave your children to strangers to raise. Many of us wanted our children desperately and circumstances made parenting seemingly impossible. I don't want other women who want to parent but don't see a clear pathway to parenting to sever a relationship due to temporary conditions. I dedicate my time, money and resources helping other women and young families stay together. I believe as long as a family is not abusive it is always better for a child to be raised by his or her biological family.

Thank You Ruth. I'd like to add also the need to help ALL women see that having sex and becoming pregnant isn't shameful either, so that decisions can be made for the right reasons as well.

Oh Kathleen... I'm sitting here just smiling. You figured out how to quote my response but you couldn't figure out how to read my signature. I'll consider your crappy advice (I'd die before I'd talk to anyone at Catholic Charities about anything) when you read my timeline and realize that I'd be 11 years pregnant now as my son just turned 10. You'd also do well to realize I'm adopted and 36, so I probably have a minute or two longer than you in the adoption world. I'm glad that your adoption was so hunky dory and beautiful for you. For some of us, not so much. My life is pretty freaking fantastic and it could have been even if I would have kept Kiddo, thank you very much. Don't talk to me about shame when you won't tell the world about your son. That is shame my dear and if I were him I'd be mad as hell and wouldn't have contact with you, but you know, what do I know? Not like I'm adopted or anything.

Shame is why I choose adoption. I was ashamed that I had had sex, I was ashamed that I was pregnant at 19, I shamed my family because "good girls" that come from good families don't have children out of wedlock. My point in an earlier post was that things are upside down- rather than be encouraged to give away my child because his being born was shameful, I should have been given the encouragement and education to raise him, and love him. I should have felt worse about the decision at the time. I should not have been led to believe that giving him away would fix things.Shame was probably the wrong word for me to use to vent my frustration. I was under the impression that most people join groups for support because they are struggling with choices they have made. Those choices have led to anger, angst, and regret- otherwise why would one need support? When I make a decision I feel good about I don't, generally, need to vent about it. Kathleen - that is a lovely sentiment that your son wanted to thank you for giving him a good life. I am of the opinion, however, that I would have much rather had my son thank me for raising him AND giving him a good life- as the sons I have at home do. For you to say I am disguising my one sided feelings is somewhat confusing to me- my feelings are just my feelings- based on my experiences. They aren't one sided, they are just mine. Beatrice, Ruth, Belle, Paige, Kathy, Suzieloo, Dickons, and Beth (and lots of others as well) Thank you all for being such a supportive, kind, and bunch!!!! Reading your posts has saved me from the doldrums some days. That is what I call support! And just an aside- I wasn't trying to persuade Belle to make any choice. I believe she has made her choice some time ago and lives with it daily, as we all do.

Shame is why I choose adoption. I was ashamed that I had had sex, I was ashamed that I was pregnant at 19, I shamed my family because "good girls" that come from good families don't have children out of wedlock. My point in an earlier post was that things are upside down- rather than be encouraged to give away my child because his being born was shameful, I should have been given the encouragement and education to raise him, and love him. I should have felt worse about the decision at the time. I should not have been led to believe that giving him away would fix things. Shame was probably the wrong word for me to use to vent my frustration. I was under the impression that most people join groups for support because they are struggling with choices they have made. Those choices have led to anger, angst, and regret- otherwise why would one need support? When I make a decision I feel good about I don't, generally, need to vent about it. Kathleen - that is a lovely sentiment that your son wanted to thank you for giving him a good life. I am of the opinion, however, that I would have much rather had my son thank me for raising him AND giving him a good life- as the sons I have at home do. For you to say I am disguising my one sided feelings is somewhat confusing to me- my feelings are just my feelings- based on my experiences. They aren't one sided, they are just mine. Beatrice, Ruth, Belle, Paige, Kathy, Suzieloo, Dickons, and Beth (and lots of others as well) Thank you all for being such a supportive, kind, and bunch!!!! Reading your posts has saved me from the doldrums some days. That is what I call support! And just an aside- I wasn't trying to persuade Belle to make any choice. I believe she has made her choice some time ago and lives with it daily, as we all do.

Thank you, Paige -- you took the words right out of my mouth. Keeping relinquished children a secret from future husbands and kids is one of the most damaging things a birth/first mother can do to everyone involved. It reeks of shame and deception, and I've seen it eventually tank more reunions than I can count. @Belle -- congratulations on being pregnant for almost 11 years now, lol! :woohoo:

Thanks Mutti! I'm waiting for my entry into the Guinness Book of World Records!

Thank you too, Raven!!!Nice to see a post from you.:) :) :)

Thank you too, Raven!!! Nice to see a post from you. :) :) :)

I have just read through this thread again and have been thinking about shame and the ways we react to that feeling. I always find it interesting when amoms basically try to shame first moms for "having sex and getting pregnant" when many of them were doing the same thing (having sex) but just didn't get "caught" by pregnancy. (Incidentally many women of my generation found themselves having difficulty conceiving later as a result of, frankly, promiscuous behavior when they were young.) My mom always said, "The first baby can come anytime, the next one takes 9 months." Many a baby has born "prematurely" 7 months after the wedding night. Shame is not a very helpful emotion... we tend to hide those things we are ashamed of, and in our society the area of sexuality also seems to be where we carry the most shame. Firstmama I understood what you intended by "shaming" girls out of choosing adoption, unfortunately I think that's as unhealthy as "shaming" girls into choosing adoption. (I've known teens whose peers have literally shamed them into keeping their babies, not always with positive results!) I will not deny that a sense of shame played into my decision (and make no mistake, it was MY decision) to choose adoption. It was only a part of the decision and not the primary reason for my decision which was made for a number of complicated reasons. I have lived with my decision for 42 years, and it continues to affect my life in ways I never could have foreseen.

First I apologize that I am new to this forum and didn't copy and paste perfectly. I apologize that I made so many of you angry. You see, I am new to all this in a way. I just found my kids. I am almost 60 years old. It was a different world then. I am embarrassed, sorry to be such a loser. I didn't want my children to be ashamed of me or my husband to think less of me. Of course I will tell them. I came here to look for support and advice on how to do that. I never thought I would hear from my birth children. I am totally freaked out and needed "friends" to help me. I cry every day. I know once I tell my family and friends that they will support me, but I am scared and I feel very alone right now. I see that I have come to the wrong place. Please accept my apology. I won't take up any more room on your computer screen. And yes, I know I "attacked" first. Sometimes when you are this scared, you make wrong choices. But the venom here is killer. All I can say is sorry.

Kathleen, My mother couldn't tell her husband and kids either. I was 40 when I found her so she'd been married for 37 years at that point, and my younger brother and sister were in their 30's , all of us having 2 kids ourselves. She finally managed to tell my sister, and then her husband. About a year after I had contacted her. I went to meet my mom and sister, it was awesome. Her son didn't find out for more than a decade after that. It's not easy being the secret, I know that much. It's very shameful feeling to be a secret that must be kept for some shameful reason. It damaged our reunion, our current relationships, made it nearly impossible to be real about things, that **** secret upset all of my momma's children and grandchildren - especially my kids. I saw that same shame in their eyes that I feel when they bcame part of the secret too. I couldn't take that, and won't for my kids. Me putting up with it is one thing, make my kids feel less than, pffftt not going to happen. My mother surrendering me for adoption wasn't what upset everyone so much, it was the secret that harmed us. My mother is feeling better about our reunion and her secret being outed with her immediate family. I'm so glad she found the strength to try to be rid of the secret, I worry so much about her. She still carries her shame with her often, I try to take it from her and destroy it, or hide it, but she keeps finding it again. I pray everyday that no mother on the planet will allow this kind of shame in their or their family members lives. I understand how it happens, believe me, that's why I talk about it out loud and pray that no mother allows it from this day on. Put it in the light, it's not real, someone put it on you, and it wasn't God or Jesus or Truly Good Christians that handed out that shame. Kathleen, I don't know if there is a right way to do it. Maybe some other mom's can jump in and mention how they told their secret. Do you have anyone that can be there for you, to push a little, to help? My mom had me, and I did a lot of pushing LOL I doubt she would have ever found the strength or need to tell if I hadn't asked or even pressured her to tell. I do know, and remember the day she called me and let me know she'd told her husband (she told her daughter first) Her voice was light, she was happy, I was shocked LOL she was relieved to get out. Scared! but very light hearted. It was a good day for me and mine, I know that for certain:love: Don't give up on the "angry's" here. Sometimes that's just what it takes to de-brainwash so much of the madness and myths we've been fed, and begin to believe, for so long. I've been so mad at what some people have said to me in forums like this. But I have learned, if something someone says makes me mad, or feel beaten up on or attacked... I'd better read up, open up my mind and try to see what they are talking about. Funny thing is, eventually I do see exactly what they are talking about! One thing I know for sure, you can count on people here supporting you in telling your secret. count on it!

One of the first courses I had in seminary was on communication. Some of the points that I remember are good for all of us to try to keep in mind. None of us actually speaks the same language! Words have meaning for each of us that go beyond their dictionary definitions. Many words have emotional memories or meaning attached to them as well. When I say or write something it has a particular meaning for me. I cannot guarantee that anyone hearing or reading it will understand it the way I meant it! It's especially difficult it places like these forums where what we talk about is filled with emotion for all of us. We are also handicapped by not being able to see body language or hear the tone of voice. I have also found that I need to not respond immediately to something I read, because when I read it a second time, often I can read it with less emotion that colors how I interpret what someone has written. Kathleen, I hope you will not give up looking for the support you need.

tyger, I'm not picking on you, it's just I can't quit laughing at this encouraged idea! The majority of my friends and family, including me, have found themselves pregnant and don't want to be. I think that is very typical, a very typical way, most likely the most typical way of forming families throughout human history. Do you think Eve's pregnancies were planned? What about Mary's? I really don't see how being pregnant and not really wanting to be has anything to do with encouraging the option abortion or adoption. I think it is fairly common. I can't imagine encouraging abortion or adoption, an opt out, to a woman who is unexpectedly pregnant and doesn't want to be. I never wanted to be pregnant! And every time I was it was unplanned and unexpected. Yet I have birthed and raised two children, and still don't ever want to be pregnant again! If women didn't become unexpectedly pregnant, this world would likely be extremely unpopulated. IMO, it's mother nature tricking us into creating life. Human nature, try and fix it all you want to conform with a prescribed way of human domestication... good luck with that! It's an experience wrought with fear. Very few mothers are confident about their abilities and situations to grow and raise a child. It's a big mystery, a scary unknown one. It's easy for other people to play on those fears. Encouragement to try to be a mother should be first. Yet it is not today, IMO.

Kathleen- We all make wrong choices. But we are all struggling here and no one deserves to be "attacked" for the way they feel despite what anyone is going through and that is what you did. I hope you find the support you are looking for. I hope you continue to read peoples posts and grow and learn from them rather than dismiss the community here because you lashed out. I disagree about the venom here but to each his own. People here have been wonderful to me - even when we are coming from opposite sides of the tirad, or have a different perspective-but it takes mutual respect to accomplish that connection. I appreciate the apology. I should say that it is all about perspective- I don't think you ever stopped to think that maybe I could be offended by your opinion and story. It doesn't matter though, I wish you the best.