Sad and Confused

Hi, I'm not really sure what to post here (first time) but lately I have been very confused and sad. I am in my early twenties...I was adopted and have been coping with the loss of my birth mother (I don't know anything about). I was very little when I was adopted so I have no memories of anything. A couple times a year I feel this horrible loss, but I cant put words too. I get very sad when I see families together because I am missing the genetic connection. I envy friends who know their parents and biological family. I then get angry at everyone in my head and feel ashamed for feeling such strong anger and sadness. The worst part of it (my therapist calls grief) is when I have this deep sadness in me that I can't put words too. I feel this deep horrible feeling in my body like something is missing and something died. It's like something is tearing in me and I have lost something but I don't know what I lost. But I can't put words to and it is very frustrating. The deep sadness has been coming up lately at the most inconvenient times at work and school. I have been crying off and on a lot lately. I catch myself at work looking at faces and wondering what their heritage is and wondering if we are somehow related. It's a very lonely feeling. At times I can barely breath and I just feel this horrible sadness and I can barely get through each minute. I walk around carrying this loss that nobody sees or I feel like it's not okay to experience. Other times it's a dull ache, a longing to know my birth mother. There are so many questions that will be never be answered. I don't know my genetic history or anything. It was a closed adoption. The longing of wishing I knew somebody I never met is such a isolating and shameful feeling. Its like it screams inside me but has nowhere to go. I'm not really sure what to post here but I have never posted here. I'm just feeling very alone with this feeling and some support would be great. I have tried lighting a candle, or going to a place in nature but I end up judging my self because I can't even remember the loss and losing my birth mother. Then, I feel ashamed for feeling the pain and push it aside because I cant even remember the loss. I feel like it's not right for me to be feeling this loss. Or since there was no funeral, or not recognizing as a death it's wrong for me to be trying to cope with it. Then I shut it down but I end up crying all over again at the worst of times. But lately, it has been coming up and I can't keep ignoring it. Does anyone have any suggestions what has helped them through out their day, when this sadness comes up? I feel like I am the only one who feels this way. I don't know anyone in my life who is coping with this too and I can confide in. My adoptive family is supportive but I feel like I can't really talk to them abut it. I hate getting close to my adoptive family or having a "bonding moment". I get this squirmy feeling inside and feel like I need to run from the situation. Either bonding or just hugging my adoptive dad or mom. I'm hoping I'm not the only one who is experiencing this. Some suggestions would be great...much appreciated.