I am a 45 yr.old grandmother who adopted my grandson (now 3 yr old)

Originally Posted By KSilberDear Mbws777@aol.com,Our agency advocates open adoption, both in situations where the parties involved are not related to one another, as well as in relative adoptions, such yours. We believe it is healthier for the child to grow up knowing who their birthparents are and to have them be a real part of the child's life. Young children do not understand abstract concepts. The words adoption and birthparents are abstract. Anything parents can do to make these concepts "real" (concrete vs. abstract) helps. So, if the birthmother is someone who comes to visit a couple of times a year, she is a concrete presence in the child's life and, therefore, easier for the child to understand. I would encourage you to have your daughter continue to participate in her birthson's life--as well as re-gain her place in your family as your daughter!I would describe her as his birthmother (not his mommy-YOU are the mommy) and explain that he grew in her tummy. When he is a little older and able to understand more, you can explain her circumstances related to why she was unable to parent him when he was a baby. In terms of explaining her new pregnancy and the child she will be parenting, you will want to focus on differences in her circumstances now that enable her to parent at this time. That is, her decision to place him was based on her circumstances, not on him. As you work on defining these relationships, some additional reading about open adoption might also be helpful. You can order some adoption books on this web site by clicking the word SHOP at the top of the page, or there is an excellent, free catalog of adoption books from Tapestry Books, 800-765-2367. You could also read one of my books, "Children of Open Adoption" because it has a chapter about openness with in-family adoptions, such as yours. Finally, although I have not read it, there is a book entitled "Grandparents as Parents" by Sylvie de Toledo and Deborah Edler Brown. It may be helpful as a general resource for your situation. Good luck in your working through these issues.Regards,Kathleen

Dear Mbws777@aol.com,Our agency advocates open adoption, both in situations where the parties involved are not related to one another, as well as in relative adoptions, such yours. We believe it is healthier for the child to grow up knowing who their birthparents are and to have them be a real part of the child's life. Young children do not understand abstract concepts. The words adoption and birthparents are abstract. Anything parents can do to make these concepts "real" (concrete vs. abstract) helps. So, if the birthmother is someone who comes to visit a couple of times a year, she is a concrete presence in the child's life and, therefore, easier for the child to understand. I would encourage you to have your daughter continue to participate in her birthson's life--as well as re-gain her place in your family as your daughter!I would describe her as his birthmother (not his mommy-YOU are the mommy) and explain that he grew in her tummy. When he is a little older and able to understand more, you can explain her circumstances related to why she was unable to parent him when he was a baby. In terms of explaining her new pregnancy and the child she will be parenting, you will want to focus on differences in her circumstances now that enable her to parent at this time. That is, her decision to place him was based on her circumstances, not on him. As you work on defining these relationships, some additional reading about open adoption might also be helpful. You can order some adoption books on this web site by clicking the word SHOP at the top of the page, or there is an excellent, free catalog of adoption books from Tapestry Books, 800-765-2367. You could also read one of my books, "Children of Open Adoption" because it has a chapter about openness with in-family adoptions, such as yours. Finally, although I have not read it, there is a book entitled "Grandparents as Parents" by Sylvie de Toledo and Deborah Edler Brown. It may be helpful as a general resource for your situation. Good luck in your working through these issues.Regards,Kathleen

I adopted my neices baby at birth. She was 15 years old and really unsure of what to do, but decided it best to let " family" have the baby.... Since then she has given birth to another child and has married..My concern at this time is...when I do tell my child about being adopted, how confusing is it going to be to say "your Grandma is really your great grandma, and your aunt is really your birth mother... any suggestions?

Originally Posted By AnonimousI adopted my younger brother's daughter when she was 1y.o. after his wife died at the age of 19. I have been supporting the girl since she was born buyng her formula and clothes and everything she needed. Both birthparents were not working at the time and had no money. As I was not living in the same city at the time I was mostly providing financial support. The girl was left by my brother with our parents immideatly after his wife died. She never livied with him after that again. When she was 3 y.o. I moved to the same city and we all lived together for a while including my husband who first met the child 3 months after her birth-mother died. At that point the child started calling me mommy.However he gandmother on her birthmother's side felt very strongly that it should not be done and kept telling her about the REAL mother all the time. Now my husband, me and the child moved to US and she is adjusting very well. We first visited a year ago for 3 months and she hated leaving and going back home even though she loves her grandma and grandpa. Now we all live here in US and her granparents visit for a few months at a time. She seems to be very happy, he English is fluent, she does real well at school, music, swimming,does want to stay right where she is.However she talks to other children in her class and tells them that I am not her REAL mother and my husband is not her real daddy. She did call him daddy in English several times before when she was playing with other kids and wanted him to look at her. We never talk with her about her birthmother. I do not want to lie to her as she knows already I am not a birthmother.We can't hide that her father is my brother either and we do not try to do so. But I still prefer not to share this information with everybody in her class or with perfect strangers. I understand that closed adoption is out of the questions but I don't want her to face cruel kids who might tell her later that she does not have a real mother. She is 8 y.o.now and it has happened already but she never talked to me about it.How should I talk to her about the situtaion? How can I prove that I am the only mommy she is ever going to have? I don't want us have problems later on. We do have very good relationship, and I love her totally. She is the only child in the family so far and we do not plan on having other children any time soon.Please, help! Is there any support group for kinship adoption? Any books? Anything at all?Frantic mother

I adopted my neices baby at birth. She was 15 years old and really unsure of what to do, but decided it best to let " family" have the baby.... Since then she has given birth to another child and has married..My concern at this time is...when I do tell my child about being adopted, how confusing is it going to be to say "your Grandma is really your great grandma, and your aunt is really your birth mother... any suggestions?