Need Guidance

I agree with Baby Girl J . . . It is alot to ask of your boyfriend to raise your son as his own. BUT, if he is committed to a life with you, your son is a major part of the package. Go with your heart and you can't go wrong. Thank God you have a supportive family, that is more than most young women who are going through this. Keep following your dreams.

Hi Jenn: I am a birth mother and know exactly what you ar going through as I was a little older than you are when I found out I was pregnanat. I didn't want to get a abortion and I wanted to keep the baby myself and raise her on my own but I knew single parenting is very hard so I decided to give the baby up when she was born. i had her on January 18 1997. I got to choose the parents that I wanted to raise my child and met them before the baby was born. It was a very hard decision but I am doing not to bad now that she is 6 I have a very open adoption with her and I love her and I still think of her as my own child which she will always be. I think you have to sit down and really think about what is best for the baby. Then you will now whatever you do decide to do it was the babies best interest was at heart. Pease let me know what you have decided. JENN

Being an adoptee........ all I have to say is that if my mother had chose to have an abortion, I wouldn't be here in this world spreading my love. I thank her averyday for the choice she made whether I get to meet her or not.

Hi Jenn--I hope that you will consider adoption for your baby. There are many ways to do this. Through local churches and adoption counseling centers. You are so young and you have such a full life ahead of you. I too was sixteen and pregnant. I did adoption through my church, and have just been reunited with my birthdaughter. I have a wonderful husband and two children now with a college degree. It has not been easy--I have missed her everyday for nineteen years, but I always knew she was being taken care of. I also knew in my heart we would be together again. I loved that little girl enough to give her the best!! There are SO many people out there who want to adopt precious little babies. It is not easy raising a child!! I am a full grown women and my children are my heart, but it is a job. I will be thinking of you as you make your decision. I know it is tough. I have been there. :)

Jen, I can completely understand what you are going through. As I have been through all that. I was 17 when I got pregnant with my oldest son. Two & a half years after he was born I had my youngest son. Both times I considered adoption, but changed my mind. Thankfully I had never hooked up with an agency or met any adoptive couples. I am now 24 and raising them alone. Being a single parent is the TOUGHEST job in the whole world!! I managed to graduate from high school on time, and have worked in the restaurant business since. It's hard to find a good paying job that is flexible w/ your schedule so you can take care of your child w/ no college education. We have lived for years on WIC, public housing, state insurance, and food stamps. That's no way to live! I was finally able to get off most assistance this year. And,I will finally be making it to college this year, 7 years after hs graduation. I too fell in love a time or two, but it usually ended badly when it came down to the men accepting my kids. We are a package deal. And in the end my boys ended up feeling guilty and responsible for things ending. They also endured terrible treatment and some abuse at the hands of some of my exes. I am also a birthmother. I had my daughter January 24 of this year. The decision to place her was the most agonizing of my entire life. I once again was going to keep my child, but because of my ex-fiance's drug addiction and anger problem I changed my mind. He abused my sons the whole tiome we were together w/o my knowledge, and I couldn't imagine putting her through that w/ no way to protect her from him. My daughter's adoption was final yesterday. Saying "goodbye for now" nearly killed me, but I know in my heart of hearts it was the absolute right decision. She will have a better life w/o worry and with all the things a child needs to grow and succeed. I will also be able to finally create a better life for my sons. And, we know she will someday come back to us. As a woman who's been on both sides of your fence, take another look at adoption. Give your child and yourself the best possible chance to have a great life. It may hurt A LOT at first, but knowing what an amazingly unselfish thing you have done for your child, the adoptive parents, and yourself goes along way in healing the wound.

my mom had me when she was 16, she chose to parent me, adoption ws never considered (and this was in the 70's I'm 24 now) her and my father are still together, they went on to have other children and are doing pretty good all in all. I have a six month old daughter, and it's hard even at my age, the changes, the worrying all that goes with being a parent, I'm also a birthmom, and it tore my family apart LITERALLY, my parents were very supportive of me parenting, offered to step in etc, but for some reason I didn't do it, and I regret it everyday, me and her birthfather are still together, he's the father of our six month old. If you truly want to parent, there are organizations that can/will help you and if they cannot they will at least point you in the right direction. Most (not all) but most bigger cities and suburbs of the bigger cities have alternative educations for young moms where you can take the baby to school with you and usually have child care on site so you don't have to worry about missing school. There is also the option of foster care until you decide what you truly want to do. Remember this though, if this guy your with now won't accept this child, what would happen if you were to go and have a child with him, heaven forbid something happened (death divorce etc) you would be in a similiar situation of someone having to accept your child by someone else. Anyways Just wanted to give you a flip coin of someone who did have a young mom and turned out pretty ok. take care Lisa

Jen, I pray for you & every other teen out there that is in the position that I found myself in 17 yrs. ago. I was 16 also. I made the decision to keep my baby. I quit school in the 9th grade to take care of him, which I did on Public Assistance for the 1st year then 2 jobs the second year. The only person to help me was my older sister (by1 year) She babysat for me & we shared a 2 bdrm. apt. together. I did not stay with the birthfather. Well to make a long story short I reliquished my rights & my child @ 2 yrs. of age. He turned 18 two weeks ago. I started my search for him on his bday. Jen, only you can make that decision.I read in a post before mine that alot of larger cities now allow you to take your baby to school with you. I know that to be true. You can stay in school. If you do decide to give your child up then I highly recommend knowing all you can about the process. Believe me it will give you some sense of knowing you did the right thing. My best to you & your baby, Missie barlowtrio@aol.com

I'd recommend you get in touch with Brenda Romanchik at Open Adoption Insight. She's probably one of the most unbiased professionals I've met. Her website is [url]www.openadoptioninsight.org.[/url] Take care, Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

I know exactly what you are going through. I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant. I went to the abortion clinic and couldnt do it. My mother told me if I was keeping the baby I had to move out...didnt want that! I found a great open adoption agency and went to meet with them. Me and the birth father got to pick the parents and meet them. We saw them regularly through the whole pregnancy, went to their house to see the nursery and she came to my appointments with me. He is 11 years old now and I dont regret it for one moment. It was the hardest thing in my life I ever had to do, but I could never give him the life he has now. He has too loving parents and I get pictures and letters from them. I chose to have him in my hospital room the whole time I was in the hospital, I wanted the most time with him that I could. the parents came up everyday with flowers and we cried. But I knew in my heart it was right. I cried alot after I was home, probably ever night for a week. His first birthday was rough and I coped with it by hanging out with friends and having a good time. Every mothers day I get a rose sent to me from the parents thanking me for their child. I know that it is a hard decision, but think of the baby and the life it would have with you or with a family. You are only 16, you have a whole life ahead of you. I am now married with three children of my own and I love them all, and there isnt a day that goes by I dont think about my son that I gave up to a loving family. If you want to talk some more emai me robinsqd@mchsi.com Talk to you soon Robin

Jen, 13 years ago, I was in your same situation; 16 and pregnant. I chose to place my first child for adoption. All I can advise is that you research all your options carefully, and do not rely on anyone but yourself. You do not need a man to raise a child. You cannot depend on anyone but yourself. Therefore, you must not base your decision on whether your boyfriend will be there for you or not. If you keep your child, do so with the assurance that you can raise that child on your own, if need be. If you relinquish, do so because you know with all your heart that it is best for you and for your child. Choose your path with assurance, and don't look back. If you are not fully committed to your decision (whatever you decide), you will be plagued with doubts and regrets for the rest of your life. Best wishes, ~ Sharon

Jen, I have to say that I agree with Sharon. You need to make a decision based on what YOU feel. You have to know in your heart of hearts that whatever decision you make is one that you can live with for the rest of your life. You do what is right for you and your child. If you trust your heart, you will do the right thing. I am a birthmom, and I will tell you that the pain of losing my son has been more intense than I ever could have expected, however, I have become a very strong woman because of this experience, and I go to bed every night knowing that I did what was best for both my son and myself. Giving the gift of life is an amazing thing. Keep strong, and know that you are not alone...many have walked in your shoes, and we are still walking no matter which decision we have made. Move forward with confidence and you will be ok. You are in my thoughts, Jessica

Hi Jenn: I am a birthmother. An old one. I gave my son up for adoption in 1974 for the reasons you gave (for the most part) in considering givng your baby up for adoption. My son found me over 3 years ago. I have met his adoptive parents and they are good people. Even so, I was pretty blown away by what he said being adopted was like. I was almost in disbelief. So I went about the business of educating myself. I read everything I could get my hands on. Books by professionals, books written by adoptees, research. I wondered if they knew my son personally because everything I read was exactly what he had told me. People tell you to go by what you feel. By what is in your heart. Those are fine sentiments but not terribly practical because most of us do not have that good of a hold on what our feelings really are reflecting. To make the right decision you need to make an educated one. Only when you have gathered all the facts about the long reaching effects of adoption, not only on yourself but your child can you truly make a good decision you can live with. I will tell you this. You cannot over emphasize how important you are to your baby. And, giving up your baby will affect your life forever. Jenn, read Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. It is in most public libraries. You can find some general information on Verrier's website primalwound.com And for the adoptees point of view books by Betty Jean Lifton are excellent. You are in a very difficult place and time in your life right now. Regardless of the reasons you are going to have a baby and your primary concern is what is best for your baby. As you will find as you educate yourself...being separated from your mother whom you have been bonding with since conception and who is the source of safety and security in your life in exchange for having a nice home, with access to the usual things we want for our children (cute clothes, dancing classes, an education account, etc) is one heck of a high price to pay.

Hi Jenn, I understand what you are going through. I gave up a daughter for adoption 33 years ago by no choice of mine but my parents. We did not have the support of our famlies or society back then . There is so much help you can get now to help you until you get stable. I realize that you want what is best for your child but just because someone can give your child a nicer home and material things that you may not be able to give does not prove that is best for the child. If there is anyway posible for you to care for this child please do so, because adoption is not always best, for you or the child. Olease read the book Primal wound, it is the best booj on adoption that have ever read. Please don't give your baby up based on thinking that someone can give more than you can, If you can give this child Love, which I see you already do love this child and provide even if you need assistance in the beginning, I feel it would be better than adoption. Good Luck. Barbara

Hi, My name is Kendra Pierson and I have been through what you are going through. Except I was 14. I really would like to talk to you and let you know the joy of adoption. I went and stayed in Gladney. Have you ever heard of it. Well please email me and I would like to help you out. Kendrapierson@hotmail.com Love always, Kendra pierson

Jen.. I understand what you are going through. Only I was married and dioreced before my daughter was even born! I kept my daughter for 3 months then gave her to social services so I couyld straighten out my life. It didn't work. I gave her up just before she turned a year old. I paid for her heart surgury and know what? I don't regret my decision. I made my decision for her. I only regret my decision when I hear her call her adoptive mom "momma". I know that it was the best thing that I could have ever done for her and for myself. But when I found myself pregnant, I was 19 and my marraige was going south. I tried and tried hard to be ready for her, but I just wasn't ready yet. If you need any more advice, please write. I am there for you if you want it.