Please Don’t Lie to Your Children!
When I was fifty-one years old, after all members of my family had died, I learned for the first time that I was adopted. Whispered comments between adults remembered from early childhood,later questions about blue/brown eyed dominance, odd remarks my birthmother made expressing her surprise at how “smart” I was, the marked physical and personality differences between my brother and me, and an overall atmosphere of secrecy and lies suddenly all became pieces of some horrible puzzle. There was absolutely no one left to confront with this news, to ask questions, to get answers. I began searching on my own. There was never a moment’s hesitation as to whether or not to look for my birthparents. Whatever lay ahead, I felt a strong need to know. I tried to prepare myself for the worst: rejection, parents who were criminals, physical or mental illness, or horror at being found. Sixth months after I began searching, with the help of an investigator, I located my birthmother. Finding the courage to make that first phone call took me a week. I was helped by my two adult daughters. They assured me that I was a good, loving person, and no one evil or uncaring could have given birth to me. This helped me very much. From my first call, my reunion with my birthfamily has been the most wonderful time We had one rule: absolutely no lies between us. When I asked about my birthfather, mom detailed for me the events surrounding my conception and adoption. She provided as much information as she had–fifty-one years later–so that someday I could look for him, as she knew I would. I spent three amazing winters in Florida, where I saw mom as much as I could, and where I slowly got to know my siblings, nieces and nephews. I feel so blessed that I had this time. When mom died a few months ago, I was at her bedside, along with my brothers and sisters. I miss her very much, but I have only good memories of her.
This past fall I searched for and found my father’s family. He died many years ago, but once more I was so fortunate. Another phone call, more anxiety and tears, but I’ve been reunited with another sister and one more brother. My existence was unknown to anyone except for my mom. So…that I was accepted and embraced by two families is nothing short of remarkable. My “newest” sister sent her maternity clothes and a special bassinet to my expecting daughter. I was so moved by her gesture. Of course, I found negative family traits along with positive ones: there is some alcoholism, some emotional disorders, lung disease and multiple sclerosis. (I share the latter two ailments). But….there are no more secrets, no more lies. I know my heritage and recognize bits of myself and my daughters in various birthfamily members. Above all, there is so much love and acceptance all around. These were *not* qualities that I had with my emotionally distant adoptive mother. I know that there are various outcomes–sometimes heart-breaking ones–when adoptees search. I also know that many adoptees honor and love their adoptive parents without reservation. I believe that most birthmoms do *not* forget their children, though I know that some do reject if discovered. It sounds cliched to say that each person and situation is different. But, one thing remains consistently true in my view: if all parties tell the truth, then much damage can be avoided. I can forgive my birthparents for not being able to raise me; I can forgive my adoptive mom for being ashamed of her barrenness; what I can’t forgive are the unneccessary lies. Parents, please tell your children the truth about their births. It can be a very unsettling shock in middle age! Share your adoption story or read more adoption stories.
of my life. My birthmom had also been lied to: she was told that I would know from early childhood that I was adopted, and that I would be given enough information to find her someday if I was so inclined. Of course, I never did. She concluded I hated her for abandoning me. I learned that I had six siblings, and that mom had been widowed at an early age. She managed to put all six through college and all are professional people.