Questions Expectant Parents Should Ask Prospective Adoptive Parents

We asked birth mothers to help us put together this list.

Robyn Chittister January 03, 2016

Choosing an adoptive family for your baby is probably the most difficult decision you will ever face. You can search the internet and  find hundreds of prospective adoptive parents, all vying for your attention. Such an important decision requires the 3 R’s: research, research, research! We asked birth mothers in several Facebook groups the following question:

What questions did you ask, or wish you had asked, prospective adoptive parents?
 
Their answers appear in the slideshow below.

The most important thing to remember is that you should ask any question that is important to you!

Some birth mothers said that they wanted to know everything, including what formula and diapers the adoptive parents planned on using.

Our son’s birth mother asked us if we were planning on circumcising. Other items that may be important include diet (vegetarian? vegan? organic?), finances, and medical conditions.

Birthmom Buds maintains an excellent Choosing a Family page. Some of the questions from the list above are there, as well as more useful advice.

It’s important to remember that no one is going to parent exactly like you would. If you’re looking for your parenting doppelganger, you may be sorely disappointed. Also, remember that first time parents may think they’ll do one thing, but end up doing another.

What would you add to this list?

If you are pregnant and considering adoption, click here to connect with an adoption professional who can help you at no cost.

About Adoption In General
1. About Adoption In General


  • Are you able to have biological children?

  • Why are you choosing to adopt?

  • When and how do you intend to explain adoption to a child?

  • How will you refer to me when talking to the child?

About the Adoptive Parents
2. About the Adoptive Parents


  • What kind of education do you have?

  • What do you do for work?

  • Will one parent stay home with the child? If so, for how long? If not, what are the child care plans?

  • How long have you been married? Have either of you ever been married before?

  • Which holidays do you celebrate? Do you have any special traditions?
  • Would you be open to spending time around the holidays with me?

  • What religion are you?

  • How religious are you?

  • What kind of church do you go to?

  • What are your political views?

 About the Home
3. About the Home


  • Do you own or rent your home?

  • What is your neighborhood like?

  • Do you see yourself living there in 5 years? 10 years?

  • Do you move a lot?

About the Adoption Process
4. About the Adoption Process


  • How do you feel about birthmother expenses?

  • Would you be willing to share your home study with me? (With all Social Security numbers blacked out, of course.)

About Parenting
5. About Parenting


  • What would you say is your parenting style?

  • What kind of discipline do you plan on using?

  • Are you planning on sending the child to public school or private school?

  • Are you planning on home schooling?

  • What are your beliefs surrounding vaccinations?

About Openness
6. About Openness


  • Do you take lots of pictures?

  • Do you like to write letters?

  • How often will we connect and contact one another?

  • Do you want a truly open adoption, where we contact one another directly? Or are you thinking about a semi-open adoption, with an intermediary involved?

  • Are visits possible? How often?

  • Are there any reasons you would ever close the adoption? What are they?

Hypothetical Situations
7. Hypothetical Situations


  • What would you do if the child turned out to be gay?

  • What would you do in different types of situations? For example, what would you do if you caught your child smoking when he was under 18?

  • How do you feel about tattoos?

It's Up to You!
9. It's Up to You!

Only you can decide what the right answers are.

Don’t be afraid to ask anything, but understand that some questions may be too personal for some people to answer. Also keep in mind that some questions require some thought. Don't expect anyone to be able to answer all of these right away.

author image

Robyn Chittister

Robyn is a full-time writer and mom through private, domestic, open, transracial adoption. She resides in New Hampshire with her family of two adults, two children, and a fluctuating number of animals. She is seriously passionate about adoption and tries to use her words wisely--both here and at her personal blog, Holding to the Ground.


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