I wanted to share with you something really deep and profound that I have learned going through the process of adoption placement: I have learned that the love of a mother, whether you parent or place, is a deep bond that does not discriminate. It is there if you choose to parent your child, and it is there if you choose to place your child with a forever family.
I thought that the bond would be different, like women who choose to place can automatically turn off the “bond” and feel nothing when placing their child. I firmly believe that if they tell you they feel nothing, it may be the case at the time, but deep down, maybe buried in a place in their soul that will not present itself for years and years, exists a ‘forever’ bond.
I believe the same is true for an adopted child. I have no doubt that Ellie (our adopted daughter) will wrestle with her placement. I know, whether she voices her wondering thoughts or not, her biggest question for Heather (Ellie’s birth mom) will be, “Why?” I believe Ellie will ask this question because the same God-given bond that is in the birth mom is also in the birth child. Again, they may deny it, vent their thoughts of it in unhealthy ways, or face the delicate issue head on.
You might wonder where I am heading with this. Why am I talking about something that I myself have never faced? I’ve never placed a child, and I have never been physically adopted. Although, I have experienced the trauma of a broken and divided family while growing up, which research shows brings about a lot of the same feelings that a child of adoption faces.
I simply have to put a voice to what I witnessed last night: our birth mother signing the official documents for Matt and me to adopt Ellie. The option to stay quiet is small in comparison to the option to share with people who will read this post, who will then share it, maybe even just in passing with their friends. And the cycle of awareness will start. I feel like I have to give our birth mother and birth mothers everywhere a voice: a voice from the other side, from the adoptive mom’s side.
I would encourage you the next time you hear someone say, “How in the world could a mother give away her child,” to respond with, “Because they love them.” True Love is not self-seeking. It wants what is best for the other person.
Our birth mother, along with millions of other birth mothers, made the decision to look beyond herself. They looked at their ever-expanding bellies, the life growing inside of them carrying their DNA, their features, and say to their unborn child, “I love you enough to acknowledge that I will always be your birth mom, but I need help in raising you, so you will have an adoptive mom. I love you enough to say “no” to my desire keep you all to myself because I know it would not be best for you. I love you enough to say yes to adoption!”