Are you Done Trying?

On mourning, healing, and accepting infertility.

Sonia Billadeau July 22, 2014
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Does anyone ever ask you, “So, are you done trying?”

I can’t tell you how many times I have been asked that question. My first response is, “Well, no!” In order to keep the conversation light and uncomplicated, I say, “Yes, we are.”

“Trying” had a new meaning for me. It no longer meant, “to get pregnant.” I was still trying to have a baby, just a different way. When you are desperately trying to get pregnant, you start becoming more insightful and looking at things from a different perspective.

After the doctor told us the chances of us getting pregnant on our own was very slim, I felt defeated. I felt like someone had just taken all my dreams away. It was a very lonely feeling of desperation and sadness. Even though I knew we could adopt eventually, the fact that someone told me we may not be able to have children hurt my feelings.

Someone once said, “You have to mourn the children you will never have in order to heal completely.” I believe this is so true. I started to mourn and accept the fact that I may never have children biologically. I cried, and cried, and cried some more. Then I became angry. Why does everyone else get pregnant so easily and not me? Why do women who are not even trying get pregnant? The worst was, why do all these young girls get pregnant and not me? I did not stay angry for long, but I did allow myself to feel that anger for a little while.

There were times in my life when I would feel that anger again, but I’d remind myself not to stay angry for long. Anger is not good for the soul. In order for me to have a great bond and relationship with any child, I had to mourn, heal, and accept my situation.

Was I giving up? Was I done “trying?” No, I was not! I just had to find a different way to build my family. The fact that I had options gave me hope. I had a new goal. We were going to have a family; it no longer mattered how. My new, main focus was finding out all the information I could on adoption.

We definitely weren’t done trying. We were just beginning.

 

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Sonia Billadeau


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