As an adoptee, you may sometimes feel a little stuck in the middle of your birth mom and your adoptive mom. There may also be times when you feel that you have to choose between your birth and adoptive family due to pressure from others. Hopefully, you are in a relationship with each family that allows you not to feel this pressure, though it can be very common. As holidays approach, this pressure may be even more apparent. Even with pressure from others, you can still choose to celebrate both birth and adoptive moms to the extent that you choose. You can shut down pressure from others by choosing your own path and remembering these two guidelines.

1. Eliminate the Comparison Parent Trap

Pride can often rear its ugly head in adoption. It is easy for feelings to be hurt when the title of “mom” has to be shared. It can also be easy for an adoptee to feel pressure to not hurt their mom’s feelings by maintaining a relationship or referring to their birth mom. Don’t fall into this trap. You are entitled to the relationship you choose to have with both your birth and adoptive mom. Though they may both be “mom,” the relationships will be completely different. Your adoptive mom will be “mom” to you in ways that your birth mom will never be and vice versa. Both relationships will be unique and you will care for each a different way. If feelings or pride are hurt and expressed by either party, it is not your burden to bear. All you can do is reassure each that your relationship with them both is unique to you and not a threat to the other.

2. Celebrate You!

There is so much about you to be celebrated! In that celebration is gratitude to both your adoptive and birth mom as the most wonderful parts of you came from them. You may get your sense of humor from your adoptive mom while you have your sparkling blue eyes from your birth mom. You may be a whiz at math due to intelligence passed down from your birth mom while you play beautiful piano due to hours of lessons with your adoptive mom who passed down her gift to you. By celebrating the very best of you, you celebrate both your birth and adoptive mom. Thank them for their contribution to the person that you are and for all they may have done to help you become the person you are today.

While finding a way to celebrate both adoptive and birth moms may be a winding path, there are many possibilities for you to express your love and appreciation for each. You can also celebrate their relationship with one another through acknowledgment of their connection to one another. This can be in the form of a simple celebration of their connection or even a common piece of jewelry that reference the adoption triad. There are many different options to choose from at to celebrate all the moms in your life!


Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Do you want more choices with your adoption plan? Do you want to regain more control in your life? Visit or call 1-800-ADOPT-98. We can help you put together an adoption plan that best meets your needs.