9 Things I Wish I Knew Before Finding My Birth Parents

In my fantasy world, I dreamt that my birth parents thought about me all the time and wished they could have kept me. My birth mother wondered about me and hoped that my life had turned out well. My birth father claims not to have known about me prior to my contact with him, but I have been told that he did indeed know about me. If that’s the case, I’m sure he wondered whether I would ever show up on his doorstep!

My search was filled with anxiety and wonder, and it took me a long time to put a real effort into tracking them down. I was afraid of rejection, and in many ways, it delayed my search. Ultimately, the unquenchable thirst I had for knowledge about my roots outweighed the possibility of rejection.

One of the top things I wondered about during my search is whether I had any siblings. My relationship with my adoptive siblings was, unfortunately, adversarial and unhealthy. I had always longed for siblings that I could relate and be close to, and imagined what it might be like to have biological siblings. To my surprise, my birth mother never had any other children, but my birth father had three. Unfortunately, I think the shock of my existence has caused them to stay away.

Forty plus years later, times are different in this country. Out-of-wedlock pregnancies are much more common and not frowned upon like they were in 1971. I have often wondered whether I would have been placed for adoption under the same set of circumstances forty plus years later.

Before meeting my birth mother, I never imagined that she might have siblings and other family members that never even knew she had been pregnant, but that turned out to be the case. When I first sent my letter in an attempt to make initial contact with her, it arrived at her mother’s house, and one of her sisters opened it, having had no idea that her sister had ever been pregnant.

I had always imagined a reunion like you might have with a long lost loved one who had been in battle and just returned home, with big smiles and long hugs. But the initial reunions with both my birth parents were what I might characterize as more cautious and timid. And while I have come to learn that this is a normal response, it is indeed an awkward one as well.

In my experience, all parties in my adoption triad are very sensitive about our respective feelings and cautious about what we say to the other about the adoption. I know from my own perspective that I don’t ever want to hurt my adoptive parents or my birth parents in any way by saying the wrong thing or appearing to be insensitive, but I also wish I could more easily express my true thoughts and feelings.

My birth mother worked for many years in a nursing home and is married without any other children. My birth father was married for many years until his wife passed away from cancer a few years ago, and they had three children, who are my half siblings. He is also a very wealthy man, and I often wonder if his resistance to establishing a relationship with me has to do with him thinking that I am after his money.