My 6 Greatest Adoption Fears

Here are 6 adoption fears that would keep me up at night when we were getting approved for adoption.

Kira Mortenson December 07, 2014

Adopting a child can bring stress and fears. But most of all, it’s wonderful.  When my husband and I were thinking about adoption, I had some big fears about adoption. The greatest of those adoption fears tore at my heart constantly. Some of those fears included contact with the birth mother, the baby, and future pregnancy. I hope these experiences help hopeful adoptive parents conquer their fears about adoption.

What if I don't love a child who is not biologically mine?
1. What if I don't love a child who is not biologically mine?

This fear was annihalated the second I laid eyes on my son. My heart knew his heart. I love him more than I ever dreamed I would. Bonding with a child that you've carried through pregnancy or adopted is different for everyone. I bonded faster with my adopted son than my good friend did with her daughter that she delivered. It may take a while, or it may be instant. But it will happen.

What if we don't like his birthparents?
2. What if we don't like his birthparents?

This one literally makes me laugh out loud now. Grant's birth parents are family to us now and we love them unconditionally. And I love that they love my son too.

What if I end up getting pregnant and feel differently about that child?
3. What if I end up getting pregnant and feel differently about that child?

I never planned on getting pregnant. My chances were pretty low of being able to conceive and even lower that I would be able to carry a baby to term. But it did happen. I had prayed to God before getting pregnant that if there was any way I could love a child more than my two I had adopted, than please never let me get pregnant. Since I did get pregnant, I knew before I even delivered that the love would be the same. It was totally the same, and is to this day. I love them all for who they are, not for how they came.

What if his birth parent's show up wanting them back?
4. What if his birth parent's show up wanting them back?

This seems to also be a common misperception among those who did not know much about open adoption when we were going through the process. In the state we adopted through, this was not a possibility, but we knew our kids' birth parents would never do this anyway. We have healthy boundaries in place and respect each other's space. We enjoy having an open relationship built on love and trust.

What if our families aren't supportive?
5. What if our families aren't supportive?

I knew our families would love our kids. I hoped they would love them the same as their biological grandchildren, and they do. It's the same for them as it is for us; there is no difference. But I wondered how they would feel about us having an open adoption. At first, it was a little awkward to even talk about it. To this day, my 85 year old grandmother still doesn't understand it, and always warns us that it may be dangerous to keep in contact with our kids' birth families. But other than her, our families have learned about adoption over the years just as we have. They see the benefits of an open adoption in our situation, and support us 100%.

What if his birth mother changes her mind?
6. What if his birth mother changes her mind?

This was something that I feared up until the day the papers were signed. Grant's birth mother Krista would reassure us that she would not change her mind. And we reassured her that either way, we would love her and understand. And we meant that with our whole hearts. We would have been devastated if things had fallen through, but we could never not feel love towards her. We understand that it is a huge decision and a very difficult one. We never had to go through the heart break of a failed placement, but many couples know this pain all too well. It's a real fear, and can be hard to shake when you're trying to be positive and hopeful. If this is a situation you are in, my heart goes out to you. Keep the faith, move forward and I hope your heart recovers soon and you feel comfort at this terribly difficult time.

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Kira Mortenson

Kira became a mother through adoption twice and once through a high-risk pregnancy. She and her husband opened their hearts to open adoption five years ago and now enjoy a beautiful relationship with their children's birth mothers, who are best friends, and their son's birth father. She has served as a co-chair for a chapter of Families Supporting Adoption, and enjoys doing adoption presentations for schools in her community. When she isn't changing poopy diapers and making mac n cheese, she spends her time teaching dance, attempting to exercise, and spending time with her husband, Mike. Instagram ID: Kiralm


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