November is just around the corner: the month of thankfulness! This year for Thanksgiving, we will be at my in-laws. There are 30 grandchildren between the ages of 4 months and 18 years old. As you can imagine, it makes for an absolutely chaotic holiday. It is so much fun to see all the grandkids together. They love getting together and playing all day. Some of us live close to each other and see each other often, and others live far away. It is a wonderful time for my family. So with Thanksgiving coming up, of course, I have to think about my adoption, my biological family, and how to navigate holidays as an adoptee.
I am an adoptee who was born and adopted in the late 90’s. My adoption was very closed—so closed that I didn’t even know my status as an adoptee until I was 8. This made for some complications growing up. Long story short, I ended up in reunion with my maternal birth family at the age of 23. At the time of reunion, I had been married 4 years and had 2 kids. I was very well-established in life as far as my beliefs, ideas, and religion go. Another long story short, my reunion has gone very well. We are 3 and a half years in and I have very few complaints. Adoption is tough and complicated, but I am content in my life and with my adoption situation.
I married into a huge family. My husband is the youngest of 7 children. His parents also married very young and almost immediately started having kids. Although I was an only child for the first 15 years, I also have a big family. I am one of almost 20 first cousins. Most of us live locally and see each other often. As you can imagine, the holiday season is chaotic for us. Not only are we trying to make our own traditions for our little family, we are continuing to partake in extended family traditions. It makes for a busy and fun home during the holiday season. So, where does my birth family fit into this? They don’t exactly. I am in a very loving and wonderful adoption reunion, but I haven’t jumped into celebrating holidays with them. To be honest, the holidays are overwhelming. Anyone with little kids totally gets it. It’s hard to decide what to participate in and what not to. Managing the limited holiday time we have with our kids is no easy task.
So, do I feel guilty over not spending time with my birth family during the holidays? Yes. Should I feel guilty? No. I think if I were a single girl or even just a married person with no kids it would be different. Right now in my life, it just isn’t realistic to split my holiday time between three families. My birth family is a three-hour car ride away. My adoptive family and in-laws are right next door. I’m not completely against spending holidays with them in the future, but for now I just can’t split myself that much. There have been some conversations about doing holidays together, but for now I will put it off until my kids are a little bit more grown.
This is a topic I don’t hear discussed a lot in the adoption triad. The triad being the adoptive family, the birth family, and the adoptee. Adoption is primarily for the adoptee. So, the way we, the adoptees, choose to spend our holiday should be what’s best for us. I’ve listened to many adoption stories (including many adoption reunion stories). Holiday plans are sometimes discussed, but usually the stories end before it gets to the point of long-term plans. I think it would be helpful for adoptive parents, birth parents, and adoptees, if more adoptees shared their long-term reunion outcomes and dynamics. Reunion in adoption is only the beginning of a new chapter. Sometimes reunion is thought of as the end of the adoption road. This however is a false notion because reunion truly is a new beginning and an entirely new part of an adoption.
There is a lot of guilt that adoptees can hold. Unknowingly, the adoptive parents can put an unspoken pressure on the adoptee. If the adoptive parents were not able to conceive on their own, the adoptee sometimes feels like they are filling in a void. And where this is somewhat true, we as adoptees will never be the biological child of the adoptive parent. We aren’t meant to be a replacement, but rather an alternate route of creating a family. Adoptee guilt can also present itself in an adoptee’s life when we seek out reunion. Although open adoption is the norm now, my generation, 1990’s, and older were still commonly closed. These are the generations that are contemplating reunion.
Some adoptees will even lie to their adoptive parents, and others, when asked if they want to seek out reunion. This comes from the guilt we hold within about wanting to know our origins. Many feel as if we seek out our biology, our adoptive parents will feel unloved or insignificant. This just isn’t true. Just because we have a wonderful set of adoptive parents and a great upbringing doesn’t mean that we don’t hold the right to know our origin. This is where adoptive parents can really step up and accept the needs and wants of their children. Having the support of my adoptive parents when I was beginning my reunion made all the difference in my emotional well-being.
So, this year I will be spending the holidays with my adoptive family and my in-laws. And yes, I feel a little bit bad about it. But as of right now, it’s what’s best for me and my kids. I would feel guilty if I went the other direction too. If I split my time and gave some to my birth family, I would feel bad about the time taken from my adoptive family. There isn’t exactly a perfect solution for the holidays. For now, I have made the right decision for my little kids and for myself. I am not going to let any type of guilt creep in and ruin this season for my immediate family. I will continue to do what’s best for us and reassess every holiday season. And even though I won’t be physically spending the holidays with my birth family, there will be texts and pictures exchanged, I’m sure. We also love to exchange Christmas cards before Christmas and even some gifts. I hope if you are touched by adoption, you don’t feel guilty about how you decide to handle big decisions like where to spend the holidays.
