My daughter, Tanzie, was born on April 11, 2011. From the day she was born, I loved her more than anything in the world. It was a connection I never thought possible for humans. The first year went by fast and she grew so quickly, learning how to roll over, sit up, crawl, walk, and talk. But I would soon be faced with a painful decision.
Not too long after she turned 1, I was faced with a choice, probably the hardest choice I will ever have to make in my life. The choice was to raise a child I was not yet ready for or give her the life she deserved and place her for adoption. I was told that if I listened to my heart and my gut, I would know what the right choice was.
The choice that was best for my daughter ripped me in two; it was painful. I told myself and Tyler, who is my fiancé (not my daughter’s father), that I was going to place her for adoption. You see it was not about me at all, it was about Tanzie. I got some information about a few agencies to call for more information on the adoption process. Once I found an agency I liked, I called them, went in to fill out paperwork, and got some family profiles to take home and look over. I picked the family by Tuesday, we met on Wednesday, and Saturday, May 26, 2012, I signed my rights away. That week was the best yet worst week of my life, and it was painful. I knew I was making the right decision for my daughter and that was all that mattered.
The choice that was best for my daughter ripped me in two.
About three weeks later I got a phone call from the adoption agency. They said that the family I had picked decided that having a little one was not the best thing for them anymore. The agency said they had placed her with another family and asked if I wanted to come in and meet them. I did and I told them that I wanted Tanzie to be there so I could see how they interacted with each other.
There were some issues I had with the second family but it seemed like nothing I said mattered. I didn’t want her name to be changed; they changed her name. I wanted her to stay in Utah; they lived in Connecticut. The agency didn’t even give me the chance to pick a new family for her; I had no say in anything at that point.
My family had no idea what I was up to and I never told them because I didn’t want a fight for custody and I did not want to have this long-drawn-out ordeal. I had my reasons for not wanting to place Tanzie with people in my family, just like lots of other moms who place their children for adoption.
When I got home it took me a while, but I finally got the courage to call my mom and tell her that I had placed Tanzie for adoption. She told me I was not allowed at her house, I could not call her, and they wanted nothing to do with me. I lost my family the same day I lost my daughter. I was devastated. I sunk into the worst depression of my life and went into this hole, this deep, deep dark hole. I didn’t get out of bed for about a month and I cried all the time. Not the best time of my life.
When I got home it took me a while, but I finally got the courage to call my mom and tell her that I had placed Tanzie for adoption.
Luckily, I was not completely alone when it was painful. I still had Tyler. I got up one day and decided I was going to do something special for him. I got out of bed, put myself together, and cleaned our room. I had decided that I was not going to let this ruin my relationship with the one and only person I had at the time.
I made the choice to give my daughter a better life, and I know it was a choice I made—not something I had no say in. I did what I thought was best, even if it was painful. Considering the things that have happened this last year, I am glad I made that choice. It was the single most difficult thing I have ever done and I lost my family over it. Maybe one day they will stop being so hurt and angry with me. Maybe they won’t. All I can do is be there when they want to talk about it and get my life together so when my daughter comes looking for answers, I can be there to give them to her and tell her why I did what I did.
Tanzie taught me so much about myself. She showed me love. She showed me pain. And best of all, she showed me that I could find the strength in myself to do something selfless no matter what pain it caused me. Even though I did not deal with it well at first, I am learning how to be the person she will need when she comes back into my life—and I know one day she will.
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Tanzie taught me so much about myself. She showed me love. She showed me pain. And best of all, she showed me that I could find the strength in myself to do something selfless no matter what pain it caused me.
I get updates once in a while with pictures, and the pictures do not lie—she is still the happiest and most beautiful little girl I have ever seen. I get through my hard days knowing she is loved— not just by one family, but by two families. She has two families that would go to the end of the earth for her. Even though I know how loved she is, I still worry about her and wonder how she is doing all the time.
I compare the first family to the second family all the time; there are so many differences and it’s hard not to, and it can be painful. The first family would send me text messages and things all the time, but with the second family, all our communication still goes through the agency. I can only hope that one day it will all change and we will have some type of relationship, but until then, I just have to hold onto hope and know that I have done everything I can at this point to give her the life she deserves.
Do you want to read more stories like this? This story is part of an eBook, Stories From Birth Mothers, that you can download for FREE by clicking HERE. The eBook contains 23 stories of women who chose to place a child for adoption. You will be uplifted and inspired as you read about their experiences.Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98.