Lucy

Hi Brianne,I do not think you should call your husband’s birth father. It does not sound like you are in a healthy mindset to reach out right now. Your motivation should not be to get and take something from the birth father, but to give to him. Give him the gift of your husband. Family relationships are some of the strongest bonds we can have. Your husband could have a really beautiful relationship with his birth father. Of course, there is pain and discomfort that comes with any adoption, but that is not a good reason to lash out at anyone else and hurt others. Try to have empathy for the birth father. No one is perfect. He made some bad choices, but out of that came your husband. It is possible that when you are in a healthy mindset to reach out to the birth father, he will not be in a healthy place. He may deny it. He might also react out of pain. No one likes being called out, especially for a bad decision.The first thing you and your husband need to do is find healing on your own without bringing the birth father and his family into it. Come to peace with who he is and release the anger for your own sakes. Anger and pain do not make life comfortable. Instead of feeling like you are on a time crunch because of the birth father’s age, be more concerned about you and your husband’s timeline. It will take you all some time to find healing and be ready to move forward. Then, when you feel ready, that is when you can reach out to the birth father.I hope you and your husband find healing, and I would love to know how things go!

Hi Michelle,I’m so glad you have a heart for adopting. It sounds like you are already a great mother. Don’t think of it as you contributing to an adoptee’s trauma. We come with trauma. I highly doubt there are any exceptions. It’s not that adoption includes loss, but before being adopted, we were lost. Our birth parents gave us up for one reason or another, and no matter how honorable the reason was, it is still painful to know that someone who birthed you could give you up. It makes me feel unwanted. And I know my adoptive parents wanted me and they love me, but that does not cancel the pain of being unwanted by my birth parents.Like you said, there are children who need parents and you want to be that parent. That sounds like a perfect combination to adopt a child. Just know that it will be a challenge. Parenting already seems like an impossible job and add on immeasurable pain from before being adopted and you will be sure to get a challenge. The challenge might surprise you, and the child is perfect. But she is hiding the pain. She has stuffed it way way down because she can’t deal with the pain yet. At least that is what I did. But now everything is bubbling to the surface. It takes time. I wasn’t ready to grieve all of my pain until recently. And it will forever be a part of my story, but one day I want to be proud of being adopted. The best thing you can do is meet the child where they are at. Remind them that they don’t have to earn your love. Tell them how proud you are of them for who they are, not for what they do. Encourage them to express all of their emotions. Help them to feel safe showing all of themselves to you even the sad, broken-feeling parts. Let them cry, but once they are spent, be ready to wrap them in your love. Remember that if they are angry with the world, with you, etc it is because deep down they are in pain. They may try to push you away. They may try to test you to see if you will leave just like their birth parents did. Try to love them through it all.I wish the best for you! And I would love to know what you decide to do.

Hey Kate, That sucks. It’s weird they put you and your children’s names in her obituary, but didn’t tell you that she was dying. Please don’t believe you messed up. It is probably something to do with them. Unfortunately, it was out of your control. They chose for you that you wouldn’t be able to say goodbye. I think it has more to do with them than you. Please don’t beat yourself up about it and try to find your own way to say goodbye to your birth mom for your own sake so that you can have healing and move forward.

Hi Rebecca, I was adopted from China when I was 1 year old. A lot of my friends and family are also Caucasian. When I was growing up, I would think of myself as 50% Chinese and 50% American. But then I went to China to study abroad, and I realized I am pretty much 100% American. I have always struggled with the fact that I obviously look Chinese on the outside, but I feel very American. Sometimes I feel the need to explain myself to new people by giving the disclaimer that I was adopted. I feel like it puts people at ease and makes them think “oh she is still one of us” because I have lived in the US all my life. I have realized that I am ashamed of being adopted because it is painful to know that my birth parents gave me up. I know they probably had very legitimate reasons to give me away and that I have a better life because of it, but that does not erase the pain. My goal is one day to get to a place where I am proud to say I am adopted. I hope you get there one day too.

That is so nice of you that you have looked into how adoption affects adoptees. Tell her that. She will feel loved that you care about her enough to try to understand her better. Just remember to tell her this in a kind and loving way instead of an “I’m better than you, so I can fix you” type of way.It’s true, when I start feeling close to someone, I’ve ended up pushing them away. For me, I push people away because I have never showed anyone all of me. The broken, hurt, sad part of me. I don’t think they will love me once they see all of the pain. It will scare them away. If you really want to keep this friend, just keep reminding her that you will always be there no matter what. And continue to show up for her. Make her feel safe in your friendship and that she can be her full self. Encourage her to express all of her emotions. If your friend brings up adoption, encourage her to talk about it, if you are comfortable, instead of getting weirded out. At least that is what a lot of people do when I bring up adoption. I am happy to talk about adoption with anyone, but I don’t feel like many people are comfortable talking about it. Maybe even say that you are a little uncomfortable talking about adoption, but you want to know and understand her better. Try to be okay if tears come. Allow her to cry and when she is all spent, then you can try to comfort her. But don’t use platitudes. Empathize. Try to put yourself in her shoes and think about how much pain it would be for you if were adopted. Acknowledge that pain. “I can’t imagine what it truly feels like to go through the pain you are going through, but it sounds horrible.” That is 100x better than saying, “But at least you have a good family now!” etc.She probably is testing you. She is testing you to see if you will leave like her birth parents did. She is trying to prove to herself that she is unlovable by being unlovable. It is an unhealthy place I find myself in. That is something she has to work on for herself, but you might be able to kindly and lovingly say, “Are you pushing me away because you don’t think I will love you if I see all of the broken parts of you?”I don’t really think it matters how long your friendship has been. It is more how you make her feel, if she feels safe sharing everything about herself with you. I still have issues knowing my family and friends love me even though many of those relationships have been more than 4 years.Let me know how your friendship has been going since your post and I hope this helps!

Hi Todd,It is very nice of you that you have put in so much effort into trying to help your wife. However, it does not sound like a healthy relationship. It sounds more like you are taking care of another child than a partnership in marriage. It sounds like you need someone to give to you more than take from you. Ultimately, you cannot do the work for her. Your wife is obviously experiencing a lot of pain from being adopted, but only she can learn to accept herself and work on her own healing. And it is a painful process, so even though it might seem like she is doing all the right things by going to therapy, etc, you really have to dig deep in those wounds before real healing comes. And it takes time. The pain does not leave over night, but every step forward is one step closer to healing. You can partner with her and encourage her, but it is not your job to do the work for her.I hope this helps and that you are able to have life poured back into you as well.

Hi Rachel,As an adoptee, it means a lot just to know that someone is doing anything to understand my situation better. So tell him how you are trying to help him in the most loving and encouraging way you can. Unfortunately, you can’t make someone talk about something if they are not ready to admit feeling bothered by it. Up until recently, I denied my adoption had any effect on my life. I just wanted to be normal, and not the stereotypical girl. “Oh, she’s adopted?” No wonder she has problems. I’m working on not being ashamed of being adopted, but it takes time. And it stinks. You want to help your spouse now. You see this is obviously a problem, but time does go by quicker than I thought. I first started thinking adoption might have been the reason for so many of my life decisions 9 months ago, but I wasn’t ready to talk about it until now. It feels like only yesterday I was starting to consider this idea, but I needed all of that time to accept the pain adoption has had on my life.It makes it harder to consider that adoption was painful when your adoptive parents gave you a great childhood. It makes me feel like I am ungrateful for my adoptive parents, even though I know being adopted put me in a better situation than my biological parents could have given me. So I stuffed all of my feelings about adoption deep down and tried to be as normal as I could. And I pulled it off for a while. I could probably fool a therapist if I wanted to, too. Again, it’s about being willing to accept that part of you. Making someone go to therapy does not mean it will actually be therapeutic. I support encouraging therapy and not leaving people with any room for excuses to do therapy, but in the end, it is about how willing the person is to really engage in therapy and dig up the stuff that we have hidden deep down.I can confirm that I have anger issues. I am angry that my birth mother could look at a baby she just birthed and give it away. No matter the fact that it was best for me, it still hurts. Do not dismiss that pain. Do not try to sugar coat it. At least for me, I already know all the mushy gushy sunshine and rainbows perspective of adoption. “But you were chosen!” Etc. I get it. But I would rather you acknowledge my pain. And try to empathize as best you can.Ugg, I hurt for your spouse. That sounds really painful. Having a suspicion confirmed like the fact that he might have been aborted makes the pain 100x worse. You try to consider the what ifs and the worst-case scenario for things like that, but getting them confirmed is just another level of pain.I think you were right that if you kept this information that would have been more painful. It would have affected your relationship with him, and he wouldn’t want to feel like you hid things from him too like his birth parents did. Also, I applaud you for pushing through and finding his birth father. I would feel so loved if someone went to all the trouble for me to find my birth parents.Wow, those are such hard questions to be asking yourself. It hurts so much that he thinks he has to be a better version of himself for his birth family to love him.I agree I think it would be immeasurably painful to be rejected by my birth parents, but just remember your role in this. As long as you are by his side through it all and support him no matter what that will mean the world. Tell him that you are terrified. Share your feelings. This is just as much your story as it is his now. It will be way better to walk through this together than to mourn/grieve/etc in your own corners. The only way you can open up to each other about how you are feeling about this situation is if you both feel comfortable with each other to show all the emotions that this brings up. Out loud tell each other and encourage each other that you want to be able to express every emotion. And try your best to really show with your body language that you are okay when the other person cries. Don’t try to put up a brave face in front of each other. That will build walls. It is okay to fall apart. And it will be emotionally taxing. Make sure you don’t have any further obligations that will make you rush through everything. Take a nap afterwards. And tell each other how proud you are of each other for every step you take together and that you are in it together forever.I think your concerns are valid, so in the most loving way, reminding your spouse that you will be there no matter what, share why you think his birth father might not want to meet him.I hate therapy. It makes me feel broken for needing therapy, and I just want to be normal. It is like pushing a beach ball under the water, I can just push my pain down with my own strength for a time, but at some point, it will come out of the water. Will it fly out of the air when no one is expecting it, or will be gently float to the surface? Therapy should make it easier to float to the surface. I think I have been to 4 different therapists in the last year and each therapist helped me with what I needed at that time, but I wasn’t ready to really address my adoption until now. Finding the right therapist is its own battle. So don’t force it, just encourage.I hope this helps and let me know how things go! I wish the best for you and your spouse!

Hi Dani,Relationships with your mom can be especially hard because you may be projecting some of the pain that you have from your birth mother giving you up onto her. At least I think I do that to my mom. I totally relate to not being able to tell my mom a lot of things. My mom doesn’t react well to my pain with being adopted. She doesn’t understand it, so it is hard to talk to her about it. And it makes it worse that you have seen your mom “dispose” of people. It’s that fear of being abandoned for sure and it sounds like it is coming true. Just consider, are you trying to make it true so that you can prove to yourself that you are unlovable? That is what I do. It is a sad and terrible rut to be in.I totally relate to keeping to yourself because you don’t think you will ever be fully accepted. Always being the perfect child. It is exhausting. And not fulfilling.I hurt for you that people actually told you that you aren’t family because you are not blood related. I can’t imagine any of my relatives telling me that. I would be so heartbroken.It sounds like you were trying to maintain autonomy by paying for the house. Then, you don’t have to feel guilty when you don’t tell her everything. I live at home too. I’ve had my share of disagreements with my mom about how to keep the house. I always feel like I have to earn her love. If I don’t do the dishes, she will sigh loudly to “no one” that she has to do the dishes again. Things like that. Through these disagreements, I have learned how human my mom is. She’s not perfect. She still has some growing to do. And it sounds like your mom does too. The problem is when you both can’t acknowledge your part in the problem. People react out of pain. Just remember that you both are in pain, and try to give you and your mom some grace. And maybe let her know you are willing to talk through it when she wants to. If you are willing. Conflict is hard, and I feel like we are never really taught how to do conflict well, but every relationship is going to have conflict unless you run from a relationship when conflict arises. Which is what I do. I think being aware of that and hopefully catching myself more often when I am doing that will make my relationships better. And then when you are not feeling as hurt, reaching out to that person again could worthwhile. Or at least I hope it is. Both people have to feel comfortable sharing their feelings with the other person and not feel the need to be defensive. So try to meet your mom where she is and ask her to meet you where you are.Let me know how the situation has been going since your last post, and I hope this is helpful!