What “I Hate Adoption” Might Really Mean

Use your words to show what you are really feeling about adoption

Terra Cooper August 20, 2014
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When I hear others say, “I hate adoption,” I cringe a little. I understand there is a deeper meaning to what they are saying. I want to ask them, “Why?” and dig deeper into what they are really trying to say. I do this because when I hear, “I hate adoption,” I think of my daughter. I hate that those words reflect on my daughter. I don’t want them to. I want her to understand what adoption is, and if someone says, “I hate adoption,” I don’t want her to take it personally. 

So instead of saying, “I hate adoption”, dig deeper. Are these some of your real feelings?

I feel like I don’t know about their life.

I feel like I don’t have that connection to them anymore.

I feel like I’m in a one sided relationship with my adoptive and/or birth parents.

I feel like I am missing out on watching them grow up.

I feel like I am being forgotten.

I think about the “what if’s.”

I wish my adoption were more open.

I am sad that I am missing out on so many first moments.

I am upset I wasn’t in a position to be my child’s mother at that time in my life.

I want to know what it feels like to be pregnant.

I wish that I weren’t reminded every day that I am not my child’s biological parent.

I wish that I weren’t reminded every day that I am a birth mother.

I wish my family and friends understood that I will never “get over it.”

I wish my family and friends would understand that adoption doesn’t cure the feelings that come with infertility, nor does it cure my infertility. 

These are all valid feelings. These are all fears and concerns we have in adoption. By learning to express yourself more fully, you can find the real fear or concern you are having with adoption instead of just the blanket statement, “I hate adoption” because really, adoption creates families. Adoption changes lives. Adoption is our normal. It may not be what everyone else understands, and really, if you haven’t lived it, you may never understand, and that’s okay. We in this world of adoption have our “new normal.” We live it every day and learn and grow from it. Even with all of the hard days, I wouldn’t trade my new normal for anything. I have become such a different person because of adoption, and it has made me a better, more compassionate person. My “new normal” has a big learning curve, but it is worth it. I am learning to use my words and dig down and find out what is really causing my negative feelings and learn and grow from them. Because really, I love, love, love adoption.

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Terra Cooper

Terra Cooper is a Staff Storyteller at Adoption.com. She is a mother of three-- two boys and one girl who was adopted. She is also a professional wedding photographer, a self-proclaimed foodie, and a TV/movie addict. Visit her website.

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