Experiencing Post-Adoption Depression in a Second Adoption

I do not have biological children, but I have been “paper pregnant.” And if waiting between our home study and placement was “paper pregnancy,” then placement was like labor. Perhaps you were waiting on a birth mother’s final decision, or perhaps, like us, you were waiting for jet lag to subside and for your new son to stop screaming every time you entered the room. But going through our second adoption, I didn’t remember any of these moments. Instead, it all felt like the first time, like I was doing something terribly wrong. Had I remembered those first months together home from China, I would have realized that like labor, this too shall pass. And when it does, I will have a wonderful child and only traces of memory of these difficult days.

As I tried to meet my new daughter’s needs, I felt myself constantly comparing her to my son. My son is independent, confident, caring, loving, and tremendously funny, but he wasn’t always. It took a lot of work to get where he is, and some days facing that journey with my daughter feels overwhelming. There are days when I feel like I have to drain a whole ocean one small bucket at a time. But there are also days when I look at my son and think, yes, my daughter will get there, eventually. This is what the first year home is like.

We’d been home roughly two weeks when my son first casually asked, “So...how long are we going to keep Mira?” True, all children may feel this way about a new sibling, but with adoptive children, the threat of regression is always present. Suddenly, my son wanted to be spoon fed and held constantly. The smallest disagreement sent him into an emotional tailspin. I wondered if we had made a huge mistake bringing our new daughter home. Why had we upset the apple cart? I blamed myself for not doing enough to ease my son’s transition into big brotherhood. But guilt is not sustainable. We started talking more and finding ways to have father-son outings and mother-son dates. Like all things adoption, it’s a journey.

When we first returned home from China three years ago, the number of friends and family who called and stopped by to check in on us was just amazing. They brought meals and helped us keep our heads above water, but they also inquired as to how our new son was adjusting. Adoption felt like a novelty, and everyone wanted to hear our story. But when we returned home from India, most people in our community (including myself!) thought “They’re second-time adoptive parents; they got this down!” People still supported us, but in hindsight, I wish I had been more open with our struggles. If I had, I know help would have been there waiting.

It’s the simplest “ah ha!” but the truth is plain and simple. There are just more kids in your house now. There are more schedules to balance, more needs to address, more meals to make, more laundry to do, and any time you had to yourself is likely gone. In the eye of our hurricane, I couldn’t see this. But I know now you will get it down. You will find a new routine. And you will find your new normal. It just takes time.