Awkward “Parking Lot” Conversations And How to Handle Them

Oh, that’s not stereotypical. These questions make you groan and roll your eyes as you marvel at the ignorance of the person asking them. Unfortunately, most adoptive families have heard these questions. As if the questions aren’t bad enough, some people ask these things in front of children. They have no idea the circumstances from which the child has come.

It is so easy to answer with a snarky retort like “Was YOUR mother a drug addict?” However, a simple, kind response is probably better. One lady chose to answer these questions with, “I am their real mother. I wanted them very much, and am so grateful that God saw fit to give me the gift of them. There are some parts of their story that we choose not to share outside of our family because it is no one else’s business.” There is so much grace in that answer. It is filled with love, affirmation, and discernment. It gently puts the nosy individual back in his or her place. If it were me, I think I’d be tempted to answer with the snarky retort. Oh, and not all birth parents are drug addicts. Just sayin’.

My friend is 48 but looks no older than 40. She and her husband have five biological children—three are grown and two are tweens. Then they adopted two sets of twins who are now 4 and 5. When she is out with the littles, people often think that she is the twins’ grandmother. It is easy to see why a person MIGHT think that she was granny, but in this day and time when it is common for women to not have their first baby until they are 35, and some couples are adopting a “second family” after kids are grown, why should it come as a surprise that a middle-aged woman has preschoolers?

Fortunately, my friend has a great sense of humor and lets the question roll off of her like water off a duck’s back as she proudly announces that she is indeed their MOTHER. My friend handles this situation with a chuckle and a gentle correction, but she shouldn’t need to explain their relationship.

Nosey much? When a person asks these questions, they are truly creating an incredibly awkward situation. People adopt for a variety of personal reasons, and what a couple does regarding fertility is off limits for inquiry. The temptation would be to answer the questions with, “Why did you choose to have a family?” or “So, you want to tell me how this having kids thing is done?” That may make things more awkward, but the person will get your point.

However, you could choose to take the high road and use the rude questions as an opportunity to educate the individual. One grace-filled mama replied, “We chose to adopt because God gave us a great love for kids. Any child that we adopt will be our own child. DNA is not required to make a family.” Perfect answer.

Seriously? When I’ve been asked this question, I really want to tell them either Walmart or Babies R Us. I’ve even been tempted to ask the individual where their mama got them but have refrained. Transracial adoptive families probably get this eye-rolling question A LOT more than I do. Contrary to popular thought, just because a child has “natural hair” does not mean that child is from Africa. A child who has straight black hair and almond eyes is not necessarily from an Asian country. Just because children are adopted does not mean that they are from another country at all. America, as well as many countries across the world, is a melting pot of ethnicities. Domestic, transracial adoptions are quite common.

One mother who adopted transracially chose to answer this question with a deadpan stare and a simple, “Texas. She’s from Texas.” I have chosen to reply to this inquiry with “They are my gifts from God, and he allowed them to be born in coastal Virginia.” Nothing awkward about that, but people seem genuinely shocked when they learn that my boys are all-American, homegrown babies from towns within an hour of where I live.

Say what?! This really happened to one family. Some guy saw them with their son at a restaurant and felt the need to stop and tell the husband that he should beat up the mailman. The man was probably trying to be funny, but it backfired into awkward. Imagine the looks of horror and confusion on their faces. It should go without saying that this comment should never have been said, especially in front of the children.

People make snap assumptions based on what they see, and they often speak without thinking. There are many responses that COULD be thrown back at the man, but the mama was very gracious. She firmly told him that her son was adopted and that he should not judge a situation just by what he saw. Pretty solid advice.

There are always going to be people who ask awkward questions in awkward places. Whether you choose the snarky answer or the mild answer, remember this: Not everyone will understand your journey. That’s fine. It isn’t theirs to make sense of. It is yours.