When Words Aren’t Enough

A birth mother shares her feelings about her relationship with the adoptive mother

Sonia Billadeau April 11, 2014
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It has been an interesting December, as far as writing goes. Of course I expected it, in a way. Phoenix will be 3 on the 30th of this month.

I talked to Tara (Phoenix’s adoptive mother) about 3 weeks ago.

I was having some issues since returning from a birth-mother retreat, and I needed an ear. I heard Phoenix’s voice over the phone, and I think I scared Tara with the level of outpouring I needed to express. I am not terribly worried, as I know her heart is good and understanding, and our conversation revealed much for both of us, I am sure.

We discussed my mom-issues, and her possibly attending Al-Anon because of her previous alcohol dependence. We talked about our worries for when Phoenix finds out he was adopted, and learns that his birth parents were scared and didn’t know how to handle it and left without even leaving an address. We covered a little bit of everything. Sometimes I wonder if our friendship and willingness to share such personal fears is detrimental. Sometimes we just gush about Phoenix, while other times our conversations feel therapeutic.

I want to know if it’s okay to say that not only is she my birth son’s adoptive mom, but my friend as well? When I get married I want her there. I want her to be a part of the ceremony.

I may wonder where our friendship stands, but I am also assured that I am blessed with my open adoption. Honestly, even if she cut off contact I would be okay. Hurt, yes, but I know that Phoenix matters most in this relationship. I remember when I was writing an adoption book and I sent her what I had written and she replied with such love, and told me that if she could have been there for me she would have been.

I am grateful for her and her husband, for their openness and genuine friendship. She sees my heart and doesn’t turn away, but embraces it instead. I need to stop worrying, I think.

Being a birth mom in an open adoption where you have contact with the adoptive family feels uneasy for some and for others it feels natural, like it was always this way. (By the way, I just call Tara “Mom”, and have since the beginning.)

Tara gave a lot to adopt him and had to experience her own grief and sorrow, but she was blessed with this child with whom she felt an instant connection. There was no transitional time for her and Phoenix. They experienced no bonding issues.

Words limit that experience. It was such an intense emotion for me to know that God chose her to be his mom, and not me. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done, and I am so glad I got the chance to get to know him for the time I did. I love my birth-son’s family. Really and truly, as much as I miss him, I love that he has everything I dreamt for him.

He was our Christmas miracle, as I have said before, and often…

We didn’t even know we were missing him until he was here in our lives, and I cannot imagine this world without him. Even on the worst days, I still smile when I think of him.

Be blessed and hang on tight…Find joy where you can, and don’t ever stop believing in miracles, because they do exist.

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Sonia Billadeau


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