At this time, last year, I took a leap of faith and started on a journey to find out about me. I was adopted as an infant. My adoption was a closed adoption meaning my file was sealed. I always knew that I was adopted, my parents told me at a young age. It’s not something that I remember being told, I just always knew… but that’s all I knew! We never really talked about it and I never really felt the need to ask. Being adopted was always something I kept private. I just didn’t want anyone to think that I didn’t love my parents like they love their parents. I didn’t want to be different! However; growing up knowing that I was adopted I did feel different, I also felt ashamed and alone. I don’t really know why I felt this way. Maybe because my story was different from my friends. Maybe because I always felt the need to keep my adoption a secret or private. My parents and my brother loved me beyond measure and I grew up in a loving home, that was never the issue! Being adopted was just always something I wondered about and it would come up in certain times in my life. It would come up in school when I had to do projects on my heritage or family traits. It would come up when people would ask me questions like why are you so short or why do you have olive skin. I would just make a joke and say, I got the brains and my brother got the height. Really it would make me feel bad about myself because I really didn’t know. It would come up when I would go to the doctor and I didn’t know the answers to the questions. I also never asked my parents about my adoption because I didn’t want them to think that I didn’t love them or that we were different. I always tried to make my parents proud of me! I was a good kid, I played sports, I was good in school, I graduated from high school and college, I became successful, I got married and I started a family. Growing up my family had problems just as any other family would have but that wasn’t the reason that I needed to go on this journey. My marriage has hit some challenges along the way but that wasn’t the reason that I needed to go on this journey either. Going on this journey had nothing to do with how much I loved my parents or my family, that love will never change! Now, in my late 40’s, I needed to find out the questions that I wondered about throughout my life. I needed it for myself! I needed to find out my heritage, my medical history, who I resembled, why I was so short, why I had olive skin, why I was a good athlete and many other questions, such as… my story of why I was given up for adoption. I needed to find my birth-family and if they were okay or if they ever thought about me! I wondered if we had ever crossed paths. I wondered about my birth-mom and I had many questions for her! I wondered if my birth-mom survived giving me up! I wondered if she gave me up because it was best for me, if it was out of love or why. I wondered what her story was, what our story was and if she loved me! I wondered if the stories that I made up in my head were true. I had so many questions that I can’t even write them all down! So I took a leap of faith and started on my adoption journey. On this journey, there has been many emotions that I was in no way prepared for and that I did not know I would have to face! If you want to hear more of my story… I will share in future posts.

I want to preface this by saying that Aria is ok. :-) By this evening she was back to her giggly/wiggly self.....but having said that today was a real test of motherhood and bravery for me. As I like to make light of aweful things I will give two reflections on this story. The first is the facts, the second is the funnies. The facts. I had a meeting in Santa Monica with my boss and another producer for a documentary we are filming in Japan in February. Presently the American Film Market is happening in Santa Monica, so the lobby of the hotel where our meeting was to take place was packed with press/stars/entertainment business folk. So the room was crowded with people of note (at least in our small narcissistic world) Aria had a weird day today. She fell asleep while eating in her highchair which she has never done before. She also was not quite her playful self. I chalked it up to her staying up a half hour late to entertain dinner guests that HMG, JuJu and I hosted for a big party last night. In true party girl fashion, she didn't want to go to bed and miss the fun....I gave her a little extra time, but not whole night like Halloween. Anyway when I arrive in Santa Monica for my meeting, she is asleep in the car seat, since we had been on the road for a hour, I thought it would be fine to take her out. She usually takes a minute to wake up and then just starts smiling. When I took her out today, she clutched my neck hard (like a toddler or preschooler would do) and her head started dropping backwards, at the same time her eyes lost focus and started to roll. I got her head up, but she could only move it to one side and she still could not focus her eyes, her mouth then dropped open and she looked like she was gasping for air. I started to cry as I held her and tried to get her to become alert again. JuJu WAS AMAZING, she was so strong and loving she kept trying to talk to Aria to get her to respond. Aria knew what was happening to her, but she couldn't stop it and her little eyes pleaded with me to help her. I just held her and kissed her and massaged her neck, thinking she had woken up with a stiff neck or something. But honestly in my heart of hearts I knew there was something wrong. I know this child better than I know myself and a mother knows when her kid is ill :-( In fact for a moment....just one horrid moment, it felt like she was dying. We where finally able to get her to become a bit more alert and I headed toward my meeting, thinking that she had needed to sleep and had a stiff neck, but when we entered the lobby of the hotel it happened again. And this time it was worse, she looked like she was experiencing some kind of cerebral palsy, without the jerky motions, just a fluid rolling of the head and a disconnect with the eyes. That is when I calmly (If you can believe that) went up to the front desk and said. "Please call 911 there is something wrong with my baby." To which I met am with a blank stare. I repeat "Please call 911" He says "Are you a guest of the hotel?" In my delirium I say "no, I'm here for a business meeting," Not surprising considering that the world's largest film market is happening not more than 10 feet in front of him. I then tell him that my baby (which he can see) is lethargic and non-responsive PLEASE CALL 911!!!!!! By this time my boss has arrived and all 4'10" inches of shear craziness pitches a fit in the middle of the lobby and demands that someone call 911. Who shows up? Hotel security!!!! So now I am faced with Men In Black, complete with earpieces. By this time Aria has stopped the seizure, but is still lethargic and detached. My boss starts screaming at security as she notices that Aria is really sick. My kiddo is a smiling drooling cooing moving beautiful bundle of engergy. The child in my arms was unmoving, lethargic drooling (and not the good teething drool....but the vacant stare drool) with half closed eye lids, under which her 100% aware eyes were begging someone to help her feel better. It is not until I meet the manager of the hotel and say that I am a fost/adoptive mother of a drug exposed baby, having a meeting with my boss, who they now recognize and start appologizing to, did they begin to take me seriously and actually CALL 911 as I had asked them to do 10 minutes before. The woman happens to be AA and I explain my story, she adds something like I am a saint for adopting a drug baby (whatever!) and FINALLY CALLS 911. Now we become the most catered to people in the hotel, we are given bottled water, told to sit down, the manager lady (sorry this is all a bit hazy) sits with me and talks, but I can't remember what about. All I really remember is looking at Aria and holding her, remembering how connected we where when she had her first seizure, her little arms holding my neck and her little eyes looking at me with fear and love, all she wanted to do was cuddle, even though the little dear had no head nor, eye control. I remember sitting with her in my arms my head against hers just whispering to her to stay here with me....not to leave. To stay and live til old age, to grow up and become whatever she wants. Even though I want her to be a baby Beyonce, I gave her free reign to be a scientist, a gardner, a bank teller, a rock star, a politician, heck....she can even be a republican.....just grow up one day....please, let me be able to see you grow up til adulthood and beyond. In essence, please God....please, let her get through this ok. Now I know that with the head circumfrence issue and the learning delays, we have faced challenges....all which were actually kinda fictional, cause they really weren't anything. Maybe they were preparing me for this moment. I'm not sure. But today was real. And I must say, even though I will adopt another drug exposed baby....it was the drug exposure that did this. Later in the hospital I learn, that the prenatal drug exposure can cause seizures...and d@mn it, if that isn't what happened. Anyway 8 paramedics, a fire truck and two ambulances show up to escort my little rock star to the emergency room. We were wheeled on a gurney through the lobby of the Shutters Hotel while the world's largest Film Market/Shmooz fest is happening. We are raced to emergancy, seen by doctors, have a CAT SCAN (anyone ever sit through THAT WITH YOUR CHILD???????). To see if, yet again, she has a brain tumor. I would rather stick needles in my eyes than ever watch my child go through a CAT scan ever again. We are told that the CAT scan is clear. Yeah no tumors!!!! My wacko boss comes and pushes around the emergancy staff, finally finds us and tells me I need to give Aria water. To appease her we give Aria a capful....oh wait....I do this not to appease her but Aria just had spewed projectile vomitosis all over my shoulder, the chair, the floor, the wall and the corner of a cute Disney poster that had baby Mikey, Minnie and Donalds etc. In fact Ju Ju and I were commenting on how we think Aria is the sassy Daisy Duck on the top of the picture trying to reach for the bow on the top of the cake, way above the rest and nearest to the string of puke that is making it's way to the floor. So I think after a jet propelled spew like that, kiddo may need a little rehydration. At this point she is getting to be more like herself and I am starting to feel better. Doctor comes in and tells me that the CAT scan is clear, but that Aria had a Petit Mal Seizure and will need to see our doctor, which she will do tomorrow or at their earliest convienience and was given a pamphlet on Epilepsy. We leave. JuJu and I have a nervous breakdown, decide to get fattning food at a fav. restaurant and our day ends with Aria eating avacados and half of my veggie burger bun, and saying "mmm" at the top of her lungs, me with FRIES :-) and a fat glass of wine and JuJu with a towering burger, all of us happy, tired, puffy eyed and glad to be a family. Revelations on this journey. JuJu says that watching Aria cling to me and look in my eyes as she is having her seizure really helped her understand the meaning of the word "mother" That at the time of crisis a baby looks to and needs their mother, and the love between that mother/father and their child is from God and is the most perfect love. She also said that seeing Aria and I together she knew that there was no one else in this world who could really call her mom, cause today she needed me. She also said that she now knows how deep love flows, and how profound it is as she watched her little Aria struggle through the seizure, she said her heart burst and the love she had for Aria grew bigger than anything she has ever known. For me I saw JuJu and her angelic little face and how she smiled and told me all would be ok as Aria eyes rolled back in her head. But behind her smile I saw the tears well in her eyes and the concern she was hiding. I saw her grow up today, I saw her mature and become a woman, and I saw us grow as a family. I am not the whiney "un-mom" of the last post, but a more empathetic and well....dare we say....more motherly mom. And for Aria....if it is even possible....I now love her MORE! I saw her soul today....I saw her as person... as a person who reached out to her mother for help when her body betrayed her. Yesterday I loved her as a baby, today I love her as a person, this person who for one moment during a seizure became more than a nine month old child....she became an ageless being with a perfect means of articulate communication, she became my daughter not my adopted daughter, but more, more than any definition can discribe....she is the person whose soul is in tune with mine, there is no other person on this planet who is closer or more one with me than Aria and today taught me that. We called HMG from the hospital and he took the news harder than anyone, I think cause he wasn't there and just had such a lovely dinner last night where she and he rolled around the floor, giggled and played all night and today, she has a petit mal seizure. :-( Ok....now for the funnies ready! 1. Being wheeled past Diane Keaton having lunch with a friend on a gurney with my child as a Fire Engine 2 ambulances and 8 paramedics escort us to the emergancy room. 2. Sitting the the ambulance with my lethargic, little one cluched to my chest thinking..."Is is wrong to flirt with the HOT fireman who is asking all sorts of personal questions, while my child may be gravely ill?" And I mean he was HOT!!!! However, the mix of brave motherhood and gut swirling fear won and I paid attention only to my kiddo. 2. Projectile Vomitosis that drips down a Disney poster. 3. Ju Ju and I doing an entire choreographed dance to LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU while a trauma patient, an old man, a victim of a gun shot wound and various ER staff watch our full production, kicks, twirls and all as we try to get Aria to laugh. 4. Singing folks songs to my kiddo as she is strapped down and placed under the CAT Scan machine, screaming so loudly and profoundly that she is actually blowing bubbles of saliva that start in her throat and grow out her mouth like bubble gum. To have her finally calm down and look at me with brave eyes while they take the pictures which makes me break down in sobbing tears as I try to continue singing Like A Bridge Over Troubled Water. When we are done, I look over and all the technicians behind the glass are crying. 5. Waiting in the ER waiting room after we were done for JuJu to get the car while a man in a wheelchair claims he's dying and why doesn't he get service. A frantic Nurse runs in and asks "Whose the person that was found in a car not breathing??" They point to a person who is behind a pole. She tries to confirm. "Was there anyone else in this room found in a car not breathing???" Everyone who has been in the room for hours points to the person behind the pole. The nurse is relieved. "I just wanted to make sure" A person in the room yells that she has been there for about a half hour. And when they finally wheel her into the ER, she's about 100 years old....and um....I think dead. (I know not funny) But a non breathing patient had to wait 30 minutes to be seen....um...you do the math. Many of the waiting room waiters commented on the same thing....assuming that the wait might have killed her. So on an up note, by the time we hit the ER waiting room, waiting for JuJu to bring the car. Aria was trying to get the attention of everyone in the room, which she succeeded in doing...right on little rock star. So to close this I will end with a little message to my daughter.... Babe....DON'T EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN.......EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and.....I love you.

Yes I know I'm getting ahead of myself I know we have a long and rough road ahead of ourselves before we adopt him but in my heart I feel that this is our son. So on the day I met my baby. I was scared and nervous I prayed that I would feel something, some kind of bond/attachment, to just know. It was strange because his foster family lives very near where D's mom was living. So I drove past that part of the city and surprised myself by finding the home very quickly. I was nervous, had butterflies and wanted to throw up. It was like meeting my husband all over again. (LONG story) I remember thinking on my way to the door through the cold that this felt exactly the same and how odd that it was. I knocked and nobody answered. I was worried I had the wrong house. Keep in mind that it is frigid cold. I was so nervous, this didn't help. I knocked 3 different times each time a little louder. No doorbell. Finally the foster mom opened the door. I remember thinking how young she looked. She motioned me towards the living room. I have to tell you as soon as I saw E my heart knew this was my child. He was grinning from ear to ear bouncing up and down in his walker. He has the most beautiful large eyes, long thick eye lashes that curl slightly up, he has dimples on both cheeks, puffs of curly hair on top, he is the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen. But that is not why I knew he was mine. It was a feeling more then anything. His foster mom took him out of his walker and handed him to me. He looked right into my eyes and smiled. I tickled him under his chin while talking to him and he laughed, the best sound! I was able to feed him a bottle. He looked into my eyes the entire time. I felt a connection. It was time for his nap so I had to leave. As I left his foster mom and him stood at the window waving goodbye. We were leaving for the weekend for Canada to visit dh's grandparents. I wasn't going to see him for 9 days! I got in my car called my dh got emotional and told him "I think I just met our son." We were NOT going to tell ANYONE in his family as they have not been supportive of foster/adopt since our recent placement of two infants went home. We also did not know if this was going to be a for sure thing at all. I guess as soon as I was done talking he got off of the phone and told all of his family. I called my mom and told her the news. She called my dad on her cell phone and held it up to the phone. We decided that dh and dd's needed to meet him before we made a final decision. We all wanted to feel the same way I did. I went to Target and baby Gap and purchased some cute clothes. I went to Toys-R-Us and got him some toys. We ended up having a big snow storm and we were not able to go to Canada-oh darn. Instead we had were able to go and get E on Friday. Dh got work off early. As soon as dh saw him he broke out in a smile. He reached for E and E reached out to him! It was such a sweet moment. Even the foster mom had a few tears in her eyes. (I love this lady-so grateful for what she has done and is doing!) Dh got him giggling in no time. We got him and all of his many many bags in the car-good foster mommy didn't want us to go out shopping. We arrived home just in time. The girls walked through the door and there was E. They both instantly loved him. It is amazing and unusual how much all of us have felt this instant connection to this baby. He makes it easy with his dimpled smiles. Oh if only I could post a picture! We had him all weekend. There were many precious moments. He loves to snuggle. He loves it when I sing and read to him. He loves to play with the girls. We were worried about the in-laws and us accepting a placement after telling them we were done and them being 100% against us ever doing foster care again. We went to have dinner Friday evening and as soon as I walked in the door my FIL scooped him up. He looked right at him and tears welled up in his eyes as my FIL said hello. My MIL couldn't believe how gorgeous he was. I was getting a little irritated that I couldn't hold my baby! I know he needs to attach to one person right now. But this was good. We now have the full support of our in-laws who are absolutely head over heals for this little guy. He is a good baby, he really is. He has some issues he needs some help with but he is a baby he has found his family and he will overcome all of them. I don't think there was a moment of if he would come to live with us or if we would do this it was when and can it be soon??? It was very hard to take him back Sunday afternoon. I reluctantly did. He was very happy to see his foster mom and foster siblings. He gave his 2 year old foster sister a big hug and sloppy kiss. I could see the wonderful bond he has developed with his foster family and that was very comforting to know how well he has been cared for. It will be easier for him to bond to us and form a healthy attachment. I am going to be working hard on attachment parenting! I am so excited. I got a call Sunday evening from my mom and dad who are planning a trip in one month to come and meet the baby, I love my parents! They want to meet their newest grandson. I told them that this is not going to be final until that piece of paper is signed and that can take a year or more. They don't care they feel the same way I do that this was meant to be and we will adopt him. My mom will be here for 2 weeks my dad will come for a few days. SW wants a slow transition into our home. We will do that over the next month. It makes it hard on me but I do feel it will be easier on E. Oh we plan on changing his name to Eli (not his given name but it is close enough to be his nickname so we won't get in trouble.) DD was reading a book and the name Eli was used it struck all of us that this was his name. So little Eli will be living with us in a month if all goes as planned. I am beat! I better go to bed. weird how this is not at all what we were planning right now but it is exactly why we entered foster/adopt.

Okay laugh at me if you want to especially if you read my last words in the last post. I think there is purpose behind just about everything and I think the puppy care was preperation so that I would know I could do it and so that we would say 'yes'. I have no idea where this little angel's case is headed. I have absolutely no information-very frustrating. She could leave tomorrow, or stay forever-no clue. I don't even know why she was removed. I only know two other siblings are in care, not adopted, and that the foster home could not take a baby but that the siblings are very attached to this foster home. I don't have time to write much just that we are in love. She has Eli's skin tone, but other then that their features are very different, though everyone thinks they do (whatever...kind of annoying.) I was told we were getting a 6 week old baby boy felt 100% at peace with saying "yes" immediatly even though in the back of my mind I have felt for a long time the next baby will be a girl not a boy. I called dh immediatly he was gung ho, gave myself an hour to think about it, felt absolutely good about saying "yes" talked with Eli's worker and made sure it was not going to jeapordize anything with his adoption. I then called and said 'yes!' That evening I came home---such a long story!---to a perfect 6 week old baby who was dressed in pink. I told BIL (very long story as to why he was there) "wait a minute this is supposed to be a boy" he said "I haven't checked out the packaging but I'm pretty sure this is a girl." My BIL was soooo sweet. He took care of her for me until I could get home. In my heart I feel something significant. I go with my feelings here and wow am I in love. I'm crying just typing this. Anyway she is an angel baby. She fusses only when she is hungry. she is already cooing and smiling. she has almond eyes, cute chubby cheeks, and a head full of soft curls-her t-shirt she was wearing when she came said "I love my hair!" Eli LLLLLOOOOVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS her!!! Well so far anyway. He is very sweet with her. He is a loving little guy. busy but loving and always has been. He gave her a kiss and he doesn't give those out often. He says "awwwwwwww b..b..b...". Translation "oh how I love you baby girl" constantly. I sort of let him hold her while I was holding her and he did not want to give her up. He sat for a good 10 minutes which is equivelant to an hour for him :) DD's think she is the little princess. The coolest thing is that we adopted a kitten from the humane society on the same day. I adore animals, all animals, I always have. Ask my parents how many strays I brought home they have several stories. Then there are animals that are special to me, this kitten, which was sort of going to be the "puppy" the girls wanted was not intended but we all knew immediatly she was for our family. Thinking about raising a puppy, its just not a good time for us, so we compromised with a litter trained kitty. THe girls have been playing with her and set up their room as a kitty palace. They spent all their savings (exactly $15 and change) on kitty toys, a tunnel, made a her 4 beds in various places... Dh went to meet her after we had lunch together as a family and he's friends with the vet who cares for the animals at the humand society so they let him take him immediatly. They are currently over capacity with cats, totally meant to be that we found this sweet kitty. She is a character. I'm more of a dog person but I LOVE my kitties too. So we got home from that and I received the call about the baby "boy." What a week. Wow have to run. L I had a bad winter taking care of two babies...and questioned if I could do it again.

We just got M's new birth certificate int he mail!!!!!!! It is so weird. It has me listed as her mother (I am and always have been :) )and my dh listed as her father instead of my ex husband. It also shows our ages when she was born. I was very young when I gave birth to her, dh is only a year older then I am and lists him as 21 years old when she was born. We didn't know each other at the time. He was serving a mission for our church at the time she was born. We had a laugh about that wondering what people would think if they saw the birth certificate. M was more thrilled to see her new birth certificate then when her adoption was finalized-I think it made it real to her. Its really all done. What a good feeling it is. Musemoon-I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I was just listening to a talk on CD that my mom sent me about Victor Frankel (sp?) who survived the holocaust. You have that gift he taught-no matter what is happening in your life you realize that you have the power to find the joy. Thank you for sharing your inspiration and have fun at Disneyland. I got a call from my mom mid week last week. Whenever she calls with emotion in her voice or the way she is talking to me I know something is up and not in a good way. I came from a very small community but large in that it was like a big family, you knew everyone and everyone knew you. I also have huge-massive-extended family and we are all very close maybe having so many loved ones in your life is why I feel like I get too many calls like this. One of my cousins has been battling cancer for several years. He is only a year older then I am, he has 4 children and a beautiful wife-amazing family. Apparently they had overdosed him on his medication and he was on life support. It hit me so hard. I love living in NY but my heart it always with those in my hometown. I've never lived anywhere where people love each other and build each other up as they did in that little town. Most of us are related in some way. It was a beautiful way to grow up. With generations of people knowing you and helping you become. This is my cousin, sort of like a brother. Its so hard for me to be this far away from the immediate family I grew up, my extended family, and the "family" I knew as a child. I never get to be there for them and words will never come close to explaining the ways in which they were truly there for me in my time of need. The community is made up of farmers who scratched their existence out of the dessert. People who understand that calling yourself a Christian does not mean you are Christian. They, for the most part, behave in a manner that leaves no question as to they value and love for their fellow "brothers and sisters" on this planet earth. Everyone is accepted in that community. I am who I am because of my parents and the good people who live there. When my cousin was first diagnosed with cancer the town and surrounding area was in the middle of the worst drought anyone knows of for that area. Still the community sustained this family by canning food out of their garden, all families can food and grow a garden, its very much like going back in time..so different from the way I live. So everyone was asked to give a little of what they had to this family. He was a ditch rider and had to stop working. Its still pretty rural, and jobs like that really are necessary but he could have done anything with his life he's always been extremely intelligent went to college but he wanted a simple life. This left his family in a very bad place but through the help of people who didn't have anything to give they have been okay. We fasted and prayed as a family on Sunday for him and his family. I called my dad Sunday evening to see how he was doing and my dad had heard he was doing a little better but still on life support. When I was praying I just kind of knew I should pray more for his family then for him to live but instead for God's will. He's been in pain for so long, I saw him last year and I almost didn't recognize him. He looked and moved like an old man. The vibrant real life cowboy was gone in its place was pure agony. It was hard to see him like that but he has 4 young children who love and need him. His son is not much younger then my M. My parents both called me yesturday to tell me that he had died. It happened about the time I called my dad to see how he was doing. They had been trying to call me but we were out all day at parades and picnics. I had such an overwhelming feeling of peace with me all day long. I wondered why I needed that feeling, or energy, or whatever it was with me. When my parents told me even though I knew it was so likely it still didn't prepare me. I was very grateful for that peaceful feeling because through the loss that I was feeling, not for myself, but for his family who I love, I knew that they would be okay. I only wish there was more I could do for them. When someone I love dies it also tends to take me back emotionally to all of the losses I've experienced of loved ones, I fear the same happening to my own family. My dh always talks like he is going to leave me a widow, I know he's doing it more to prepare us in case something does happen but I dont know things like this just put me in a bad place emotionally. This really hasn't. I am so grateful to have felt sustained and as if I have grown. I only wish I could go "home" and be with my family right now. In my heart that is where I am. L

I FEEL AS IF I KEEP LOOKING IN VAIN THAT THERE IS NOBODY OUT THERE WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED TO ME,OR EVEN CAREING THAT THEY LEFT ME BEHIND. I JUST WANT TO KNOW SOMEONE IN MY BIOLOGICAL FAMILY CARES FOR ME

OMG!!!! She called me last night!!! IT"S HER! I got a call on my cell and it's her! I couldn't get to it right away and when I saw the number I was like who do I know in this area code? DH was like it could be our son (he's on an away field trip with his class for a few days) and I was just about to call back when I realized that I had a voice message. I listened and it was her! She said that it was Diana and I was right! My daughter and dh both listened to the message. DH said he didn't care about the expensive phone call (we were already over our free minutes for the month OUCH) so I called her back. We talked from 6-9 (then I called her back so that the after 9 call was free and talked to her till 11:30pn) I guess I know where I get my talking gene from! LOL! It was so surreal! We are so alike. It reminds me of my best friend when we first met. The first time we spent the night at her house we stayed up all night going "Do you like this?"..."So do I!" and then we'd slap hands. It was like that! It was like sitting down and talking to myself! Amazing! She was so happy! She kept telling me that she'd always hoped that I'd look for her. She felt that was maybe why she'd given me the middle name that she had and also why she had always kept the Moran name apart of her name. Simply amazing! I still can't believe it! She told me that my brother and sister always knew about me and that she wishes that we would have found each other sooner. I swear I still can't believe that I talked to her. I have to admit I felt a little guilty. When we talked I felt bad because I would tell her something about my growing up and kept saying "my mom" would say this or "my mom" would do that and ever time I flinched thinking does that make her feel bad? I know my amom would really not like it that if she knew how similar we are. She would feel so threatened! As far as she's concerned I'm her baby. (I have to call her today! ...not to tell her about this but just because! I feel guilty when I think about her like I've swipped a cookie from the cookie jar and I know if she counts them she'll know.) I guess that's something I'll have to live with. I just woke up dh..partially because he has to get up for work and partially because I need to talk...like I didn't get enough of that last night! I'll write more later... Lori

Tudu if you are reading, thank you for the complement and pointing it out to me. I love his name but didn't at first, I wanted it to be Eli or Elias I felt that was close enough to his given first name. I was at a fair and went to one of those name meaning booths and did E's name, I read what his name meant and cried. I knew that was his name. So it grew on me and it is, well, him. His birth mom gave him the E name and my dh's name as a middle name. I know the middle name she gave him has a different meaning to her but I still get chills when I think about it and cried when I saw it on his original birth certificate. I had to delete my entry as there is no way to edit out his name even though there appears to be that option anyway you are one of a few who know! I hope this doesn't sound selfish but I'm thinking of delaying our adoption. As if I had that option :). We have no way of knowing when E's adoption will finalize so assuming it is done in Oct-Nov as we hope, I plan on waiting to submit our paperwork until January. I also do not want to set myself up for a big disapointment. I want E to be adopted NOW NOW NOW!!! But no matter how much I bug and annoy the powers that be I don't have much control over it and I do not want to set myself up for the disapointment I will inevitably feel if the time line drags on and on and on. I"m also considering going back to our church's agency and re-activating with them, this had been the plan we had when we accepted E both with them and ourselves, however they require E's adoption to be finalized before they will even begin our update. I don't think it will be difficult to get the agency homestudy updated as we already have one completed with them. They do not release their homestudies to any other agencies. The only reason I want to use them is because they are affordable. At this point, right now that is our problem. We still plan on getting homestudy ready for Spence-Chapin. Be active with both. of course I have to still talk all of this over with my dh who is currently at Scout Camp for the entire week w/o cell phone reception. Oh I think he is going to have some funny stories. He took some boys that have never been camping, from inner city. I overheard a conversation he had with one 12 year old who was worried about fox and racoons. Dh and I haven't had any long lenght time to ourselves since our honeymoon-9 years ago. Not even a weekend. One nights occasionally when my mom babysits for us. I had a bad experience with a sitter as a child and have trust issues with anyone and my kids for long periods so that is part of the problem. The other part is not putting ourselves as a priority. This year we concentrated on a date night, it has been wonderful. This spring I booked us a couples cruise/week in Florida and Bahamas. I have a few months to finalize the dates. I was thinking that if I have a newborn baby, let alone my little E there is just no way I'm going to leave for a solid week. I just can't-would die. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around leaving E. My girls are old enough and LOVE my mom and I know will be okay, I will miss them, but I know they will be okay and are in good hands-the only person on the planet I would leave my kids with for that long-but E, man he had a hard time when I was recovering from surgery and couldn't hold him. So if we don't go now we might as well throw it away or figure out how to take a newborn and toddler on a cruise???-no thank you, that just doesn't sound like vacation to me, more like nightmare. Dh has taken all of his vacation days this year so we would have to wait until January otherwise I would book it for late fall early December. So this brings me to the selfish part. Here I am dying for a baby making such a rush to get homestudy ready...and drum role. I think we will submit for our baby in January...there I said it, then I can go on my cruise with my dh for an entire week alone. I also need to get my butt in shape as its rather dimply and flabby and I don't want my last baby mommy pictures to be with the fat lady hiding behind somebody in the pictures. I want to be a hot mama, there I go selfish again. But you know, this is my last time being a mom to a baby and I know how fast that goes by. I hate hate hate being fat. Its uncomfortable and down right depressing. I want to feel pretty and "normal" mommy. I don't think there will be anymore kiddoes even if I want them, dh is just not going to go for it-he hasn't really said anything but I do think he is done after #4 joins our family. I have always felt there was 2 more after out little girls. I saw them in dreams and had spiritual experiences. So in a way I do feel this is going to be my baby, the baby of the family. I want to feel good in every way possible and this is a big deal to me. I gained all this weight from stress eating after not dealing well with foster children leaving. Its time to close that chapter in my life and also loose my foster care blubber. There are some big things going on with my in-laws right now. Its something I can't write about.....blah. I hate that I have to be guarded but really I can't write about this. It involves my dh, however, I will say that much, and him having to press charges...and things not going well for that person.....and it is well just a mess. This means, however, that dh will be working even more like a dog to make up for it because his parents will be going through the drama. While very real they have enabled most of what is occuring and continue to............its sooooooooooooo crazy!!!!!!!! I bought the book the Secret and I'm going to try to stay away from the negative stuff. So I am dying to write more about how much I hate some things about our life. I really dont "get" the book yet.....more updates later. For now I think I'm missing dh like crazy and can't sleep :(. He will be home tomorrow. The kids are missing him, especially E, he keeps saying "daddy work? Daddy gone?" He has cried for him a few times.

I was online looking at crib sets because C and I are re-decorating her room and I was seeing if we could find an idea of what would look good with what we want to do for our new baby. I stumbled onto a set that costs $1140. The extra sheet, if you want one is almost $200. For the pillow $100. I had to check out what a set like this looks like. It is beautiful, don't get me wrong. But really this is something your baby is going to spit up on, drool on, most likely explosive diaper on, and then if you are a "safe" parent they wont' even use most of it anyway...bumpers are "bad" and so are the comforters-I use a bumper pad but I do not use a comforter so what is the point? I mean who buys stuff like this? Well then I had to read the reviews of those who purchased this set. Here is the review gave dh and I a good laugh. comments below: "Perfect for those with taste This bedding set is simply adorable! I saw it online and fell in love! This set is just perfect! I dont mind spending money so that my daughter can live in luxery, thats what any decent parent would do." So for you all out there who did not spend over $1000 on your crib set you are NOT I repeat NOT decent parents :)! Sort of off my original topic but related, I decided to make our new babies crib set. I got all the stuff today and no I didn't spend $1140!!! Not even close :)! Hopefully I'm still a decent parent.

Dear GOD please help me to help that dog! Fri. was fairly average...did all my usual routine, and worked on taxes. Hottie got home about 1:30p.p.m., fixed him lunch and we visited about his meeting. I was looking out the living room window and notice 2 dogs in the back yard, Jim got up to look and noticed it had a tag on the collar. I went out the back porch, and the dog came to me and I noticed how his ribs showed, and got the # off his collar. Jim put on his coat, after I called the owners, and he was able to put one dog into the back of livestock trailer, we could not find the other dog. 15 minutes or so later the neighbor,Barb, whom I spoke to on the phone, pulled into the drive, and pulled over to the livestock trailer. I put on my coat and was taking the open can of dog food to give to her so she could give it to the dogs. Barb got out of the passenger side, and a young man, her son, Jarod exited the drivers side, I started to tell her i had not had a chance to feed the dog, when I noticed Jarod opening the back door to the trailer.......GOD PLEASE HELP ME TO ERASE THE PICTURE!!!! I saw Jarod, step into the trailer, and grab the dog by the collar, he pulled the dog to the door,holding it by the collar....what I saw next, will never go away from my mind, and my heart is so sad, I feel so helpless. He pulled the collar tightly while twisting it, raised the dog up and slammed it to the ground, I began screaming, and cussing as loud as I could, but it was as if he heard nothing....he started punching the dog with his fist , in its face and head, probably 6,7,-10 times, I was screaming, Barb was standing in front of me acting as if this was normal, I told her to get out of my face, and to stop that little bastard from beating the dog, she calmly asked me if I wanted the dog to run way again, I told her to shut the f**& up, and told her if her child ran away because it was hungry, would you beat the child for that, again told her to get the hell off my property, she kept telling me I was acting insane and hateful, all this time Jarod is fisting this dog, twisting it in the air to flip it over to the other side, and continued to punch it in the face, and in between the punches he started kicking it in the ribs, and stomach, I was screaming at him, looked for my cell phone to call the sheriff, it was not on me, I hollered for hottie, and he could not hear me screaming, by the time he heard me I was coming for the house to call the sheriff. When he threw the dog in the back of the truck, is when I noticed the other dog, in the back hunkered down. I immediately called the sheriff, could not reach a deputy, but a lady took my complaint, and said she would have someone call me back and she would locate the animal abuse hotline. I have not cried that much ,that hard, I could not breathe, my hottie tried everything to get me to calm down...I could not, I was shaking so badly, I felt like I was going to pass out, I could not get any air, nothing would stand still, I could do nothing...About 30 min. went by, then a deputy called,I could not speak to him, hottie relayed what happened , he just told me to come down next week and give a statement...I could not believe it, this is what they were going to settle with. THEY WEREN'T GOING TO COME CHECK ON THE DOG, ARREST JAROD, NOTHIN...NOTHING...! They did not even leave a hotline #. I found one myself, and called, they told me to call the sheriff back and tell them to go take photos and check the dog, to see what condition he was in. They said they would try to get ahold of an emergency handler in our area to go see about the dog, if the sheriff thought it needed to be removed, if not it would be Monday before they went to see the dog. The humane society abuse unit is in St.Louis, 3 1/2 hours away! I have not slept, I cannot stop seeing him hitting the dog, kicking the dog, hitting, kicking, over and over, it will not leave my mind! I keep thinking these dogs may not make it til Monday, i keep thinking I need to sneak over there and take the dogs...even though I know this is illegal...what am I supposed to do...The movie keeps playing over and over, it won't stop....GOD PLEASE HELP ME TO DO THE RIGHT THING...PLEASE KEEP THOSE DOGS SAFE...THE BEATEN DOG, GIVE HIM RELIEF FROM THE PAIN....GOD give me the courage to do what I should do...please GOD make this insanity stop, please take the movie from my head, I no longer want to see it..it is haunting me..I can't do anything,.........