I am posting to this site as my first real attempt to find my brother. I know his original first name was William(Bill) and that he was born on October 25, 1956, at Augustana Hospital in Chicago, IL. All of my life, I was told by my mother that he died a few days after he was born. So I never questioned it. Then when my mother died in 1982(my father died in 1959) I found a journal of my grandmother. She was actually my step-grandmother and not a very nice lady. In this journal, she states that my brother was given up for adoption to St. Vincent dePaul Hon on 12/08/1956. I did not believe this at first due to this woman's history of lies and meaness. After thinking about it, I realized that since we were Catholics, if the baby had died, he would of had to be buried and my mother and I never visited a grave. When my father died, we visited his grave daily for six months and then frequently after that. This lead me to believe the adoption story might be true. So here I am, the sister who has no legal right to the closed adoption records and no living family members to confirm or deny. I actually do not know for sure the last name that would have been on my brother's birth certificate, possiibly Villano or Crowley or ? If anyone who was adopted, looking for birth family member and was born on 10/25/56, please contact me.

Yes I know I'm getting ahead of myself I know we have a long and rough road ahead of ourselves before we adopt him but in my heart I feel that this is our son. So on the day I met my baby. I was scared and nervous I prayed that I would feel something, some kind of bond/attachment, to just know. It was strange because his foster family lives very near where D's mom was living. So I drove past that part of the city and surprised myself by finding the home very quickly. I was nervous, had butterflies and wanted to throw up. It was like meeting my husband all over again. (LONG story) I remember thinking on my way to the door through the cold that this felt exactly the same and how odd that it was. I knocked and nobody answered. I was worried I had the wrong house. Keep in mind that it is frigid cold. I was so nervous, this didn't help. I knocked 3 different times each time a little louder. No doorbell. Finally the foster mom opened the door. I remember thinking how young she looked. She motioned me towards the living room. I have to tell you as soon as I saw E my heart knew this was my child. He was grinning from ear to ear bouncing up and down in his walker. He has the most beautiful large eyes, long thick eye lashes that curl slightly up, he has dimples on both cheeks, puffs of curly hair on top, he is the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen. But that is not why I knew he was mine. It was a feeling more then anything. His foster mom took him out of his walker and handed him to me. He looked right into my eyes and smiled. I tickled him under his chin while talking to him and he laughed, the best sound! I was able to feed him a bottle. He looked into my eyes the entire time. I felt a connection. It was time for his nap so I had to leave. As I left his foster mom and him stood at the window waving goodbye. We were leaving for the weekend for Canada to visit dh's grandparents. I wasn't going to see him for 9 days! I got in my car called my dh got emotional and told him "I think I just met our son." We were NOT going to tell ANYONE in his family as they have not been supportive of foster/adopt since our recent placement of two infants went home. We also did not know if this was going to be a for sure thing at all. I guess as soon as I was done talking he got off of the phone and told all of his family. I called my mom and told her the news. She called my dad on her cell phone and held it up to the phone. We decided that dh and dd's needed to meet him before we made a final decision. We all wanted to feel the same way I did. I went to Target and baby Gap and purchased some cute clothes. I went to Toys-R-Us and got him some toys. We ended up having a big snow storm and we were not able to go to Canada-oh darn. Instead we had were able to go and get E on Friday. Dh got work off early. As soon as dh saw him he broke out in a smile. He reached for E and E reached out to him! It was such a sweet moment. Even the foster mom had a few tears in her eyes. (I love this lady-so grateful for what she has done and is doing!) Dh got him giggling in no time. We got him and all of his many many bags in the car-good foster mommy didn't want us to go out shopping. We arrived home just in time. The girls walked through the door and there was E. They both instantly loved him. It is amazing and unusual how much all of us have felt this instant connection to this baby. He makes it easy with his dimpled smiles. Oh if only I could post a picture! We had him all weekend. There were many precious moments. He loves to snuggle. He loves it when I sing and read to him. He loves to play with the girls. We were worried about the in-laws and us accepting a placement after telling them we were done and them being 100% against us ever doing foster care again. We went to have dinner Friday evening and as soon as I walked in the door my FIL scooped him up. He looked right at him and tears welled up in his eyes as my FIL said hello. My MIL couldn't believe how gorgeous he was. I was getting a little irritated that I couldn't hold my baby! I know he needs to attach to one person right now. But this was good. We now have the full support of our in-laws who are absolutely head over heals for this little guy. He is a good baby, he really is. He has some issues he needs some help with but he is a baby he has found his family and he will overcome all of them. I don't think there was a moment of if he would come to live with us or if we would do this it was when and can it be soon??? It was very hard to take him back Sunday afternoon. I reluctantly did. He was very happy to see his foster mom and foster siblings. He gave his 2 year old foster sister a big hug and sloppy kiss. I could see the wonderful bond he has developed with his foster family and that was very comforting to know how well he has been cared for. It will be easier for him to bond to us and form a healthy attachment. I am going to be working hard on attachment parenting! I am so excited. I got a call Sunday evening from my mom and dad who are planning a trip in one month to come and meet the baby, I love my parents! They want to meet their newest grandson. I told them that this is not going to be final until that piece of paper is signed and that can take a year or more. They don't care they feel the same way I do that this was meant to be and we will adopt him. My mom will be here for 2 weeks my dad will come for a few days. SW wants a slow transition into our home. We will do that over the next month. It makes it hard on me but I do feel it will be easier on E. Oh we plan on changing his name to Eli (not his given name but it is close enough to be his nickname so we won't get in trouble.) DD was reading a book and the name Eli was used it struck all of us that this was his name. So little Eli will be living with us in a month if all goes as planned. I am beat! I better go to bed. weird how this is not at all what we were planning right now but it is exactly why we entered foster/adopt.

I want to preface this by saying that Aria is ok. :-) By this evening she was back to her giggly/wiggly self.....but having said that today was a real test of motherhood and bravery for me. As I like to make light of aweful things I will give two reflections on this story. The first is the facts, the second is the funnies. The facts. I had a meeting in Santa Monica with my boss and another producer for a documentary we are filming in Japan in February. Presently the American Film Market is happening in Santa Monica, so the lobby of the hotel where our meeting was to take place was packed with press/stars/entertainment business folk. So the room was crowded with people of note (at least in our small narcissistic world) Aria had a weird day today. She fell asleep while eating in her highchair which she has never done before. She also was not quite her playful self. I chalked it up to her staying up a half hour late to entertain dinner guests that HMG, JuJu and I hosted for a big party last night. In true party girl fashion, she didn't want to go to bed and miss the fun....I gave her a little extra time, but not whole night like Halloween. Anyway when I arrive in Santa Monica for my meeting, she is asleep in the car seat, since we had been on the road for a hour, I thought it would be fine to take her out. She usually takes a minute to wake up and then just starts smiling. When I took her out today, she clutched my neck hard (like a toddler or preschooler would do) and her head started dropping backwards, at the same time her eyes lost focus and started to roll. I got her head up, but she could only move it to one side and she still could not focus her eyes, her mouth then dropped open and she looked like she was gasping for air. I started to cry as I held her and tried to get her to become alert again. JuJu WAS AMAZING, she was so strong and loving she kept trying to talk to Aria to get her to respond. Aria knew what was happening to her, but she couldn't stop it and her little eyes pleaded with me to help her. I just held her and kissed her and massaged her neck, thinking she had woken up with a stiff neck or something. But honestly in my heart of hearts I knew there was something wrong. I know this child better than I know myself and a mother knows when her kid is ill :-( In fact for a moment....just one horrid moment, it felt like she was dying. We where finally able to get her to become a bit more alert and I headed toward my meeting, thinking that she had needed to sleep and had a stiff neck, but when we entered the lobby of the hotel it happened again. And this time it was worse, she looked like she was experiencing some kind of cerebral palsy, without the jerky motions, just a fluid rolling of the head and a disconnect with the eyes. That is when I calmly (If you can believe that) went up to the front desk and said. "Please call 911 there is something wrong with my baby." To which I met am with a blank stare. I repeat "Please call 911" He says "Are you a guest of the hotel?" In my delirium I say "no, I'm here for a business meeting," Not surprising considering that the world's largest film market is happening not more than 10 feet in front of him. I then tell him that my baby (which he can see) is lethargic and non-responsive PLEASE CALL 911!!!!!! By this time my boss has arrived and all 4'10" inches of shear craziness pitches a fit in the middle of the lobby and demands that someone call 911. Who shows up? Hotel security!!!! So now I am faced with Men In Black, complete with earpieces. By this time Aria has stopped the seizure, but is still lethargic and detached. My boss starts screaming at security as she notices that Aria is really sick. My kiddo is a smiling drooling cooing moving beautiful bundle of engergy. The child in my arms was unmoving, lethargic drooling (and not the good teething drool....but the vacant stare drool) with half closed eye lids, under which her 100% aware eyes were begging someone to help her feel better. It is not until I meet the manager of the hotel and say that I am a fost/adoptive mother of a drug exposed baby, having a meeting with my boss, who they now recognize and start appologizing to, did they begin to take me seriously and actually CALL 911 as I had asked them to do 10 minutes before. The woman happens to be AA and I explain my story, she adds something like I am a saint for adopting a drug baby (whatever!) and FINALLY CALLS 911. Now we become the most catered to people in the hotel, we are given bottled water, told to sit down, the manager lady (sorry this is all a bit hazy) sits with me and talks, but I can't remember what about. All I really remember is looking at Aria and holding her, remembering how connected we where when she had her first seizure, her little arms holding my neck and her little eyes looking at me with fear and love, all she wanted to do was cuddle, even though the little dear had no head nor, eye control. I remember sitting with her in my arms my head against hers just whispering to her to stay here with me....not to leave. To stay and live til old age, to grow up and become whatever she wants. Even though I want her to be a baby Beyonce, I gave her free reign to be a scientist, a gardner, a bank teller, a rock star, a politician, heck....she can even be a republican.....just grow up one day....please, let me be able to see you grow up til adulthood and beyond. In essence, please God....please, let her get through this ok. Now I know that with the head circumfrence issue and the learning delays, we have faced challenges....all which were actually kinda fictional, cause they really weren't anything. Maybe they were preparing me for this moment. I'm not sure. But today was real. And I must say, even though I will adopt another drug exposed baby....it was the drug exposure that did this. Later in the hospital I learn, that the prenatal drug exposure can cause seizures...and d@mn it, if that isn't what happened. Anyway 8 paramedics, a fire truck and two ambulances show up to escort my little rock star to the emergency room. We were wheeled on a gurney through the lobby of the Shutters Hotel while the world's largest Film Market/Shmooz fest is happening. We are raced to emergancy, seen by doctors, have a CAT SCAN (anyone ever sit through THAT WITH YOUR CHILD???????). To see if, yet again, she has a brain tumor. I would rather stick needles in my eyes than ever watch my child go through a CAT scan ever again. We are told that the CAT scan is clear. Yeah no tumors!!!! My wacko boss comes and pushes around the emergancy staff, finally finds us and tells me I need to give Aria water. To appease her we give Aria a capful....oh wait....I do this not to appease her but Aria just had spewed projectile vomitosis all over my shoulder, the chair, the floor, the wall and the corner of a cute Disney poster that had baby Mikey, Minnie and Donalds etc. In fact Ju Ju and I were commenting on how we think Aria is the sassy Daisy Duck on the top of the picture trying to reach for the bow on the top of the cake, way above the rest and nearest to the string of puke that is making it's way to the floor. So I think after a jet propelled spew like that, kiddo may need a little rehydration. At this point she is getting to be more like herself and I am starting to feel better. Doctor comes in and tells me that the CAT scan is clear, but that Aria had a Petit Mal Seizure and will need to see our doctor, which she will do tomorrow or at their earliest convienience and was given a pamphlet on Epilepsy. We leave. JuJu and I have a nervous breakdown, decide to get fattning food at a fav. restaurant and our day ends with Aria eating avacados and half of my veggie burger bun, and saying "mmm" at the top of her lungs, me with FRIES :-) and a fat glass of wine and JuJu with a towering burger, all of us happy, tired, puffy eyed and glad to be a family. Revelations on this journey. JuJu says that watching Aria cling to me and look in my eyes as she is having her seizure really helped her understand the meaning of the word "mother" That at the time of crisis a baby looks to and needs their mother, and the love between that mother/father and their child is from God and is the most perfect love. She also said that seeing Aria and I together she knew that there was no one else in this world who could really call her mom, cause today she needed me. She also said that she now knows how deep love flows, and how profound it is as she watched her little Aria struggle through the seizure, she said her heart burst and the love she had for Aria grew bigger than anything she has ever known. For me I saw JuJu and her angelic little face and how she smiled and told me all would be ok as Aria eyes rolled back in her head. But behind her smile I saw the tears well in her eyes and the concern she was hiding. I saw her grow up today, I saw her mature and become a woman, and I saw us grow as a family. I am not the whiney "un-mom" of the last post, but a more empathetic and well....dare we say....more motherly mom. And for Aria....if it is even possible....I now love her MORE! I saw her soul today....I saw her as person... as a person who reached out to her mother for help when her body betrayed her. Yesterday I loved her as a baby, today I love her as a person, this person who for one moment during a seizure became more than a nine month old child....she became an ageless being with a perfect means of articulate communication, she became my daughter not my adopted daughter, but more, more than any definition can discribe....she is the person whose soul is in tune with mine, there is no other person on this planet who is closer or more one with me than Aria and today taught me that. We called HMG from the hospital and he took the news harder than anyone, I think cause he wasn't there and just had such a lovely dinner last night where she and he rolled around the floor, giggled and played all night and today, she has a petit mal seizure. :-( Ok....now for the funnies ready! 1. Being wheeled past Diane Keaton having lunch with a friend on a gurney with my child as a Fire Engine 2 ambulances and 8 paramedics escort us to the emergancy room. 2. Sitting the the ambulance with my lethargic, little one cluched to my chest thinking..."Is is wrong to flirt with the HOT fireman who is asking all sorts of personal questions, while my child may be gravely ill?" And I mean he was HOT!!!! However, the mix of brave motherhood and gut swirling fear won and I paid attention only to my kiddo. 2. Projectile Vomitosis that drips down a Disney poster. 3. Ju Ju and I doing an entire choreographed dance to LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU while a trauma patient, an old man, a victim of a gun shot wound and various ER staff watch our full production, kicks, twirls and all as we try to get Aria to laugh. 4. Singing folks songs to my kiddo as she is strapped down and placed under the CAT Scan machine, screaming so loudly and profoundly that she is actually blowing bubbles of saliva that start in her throat and grow out her mouth like bubble gum. To have her finally calm down and look at me with brave eyes while they take the pictures which makes me break down in sobbing tears as I try to continue singing Like A Bridge Over Troubled Water. When we are done, I look over and all the technicians behind the glass are crying. 5. Waiting in the ER waiting room after we were done for JuJu to get the car while a man in a wheelchair claims he's dying and why doesn't he get service. A frantic Nurse runs in and asks "Whose the person that was found in a car not breathing??" They point to a person who is behind a pole. She tries to confirm. "Was there anyone else in this room found in a car not breathing???" Everyone who has been in the room for hours points to the person behind the pole. The nurse is relieved. "I just wanted to make sure" A person in the room yells that she has been there for about a half hour. And when they finally wheel her into the ER, she's about 100 years old....and um....I think dead. (I know not funny) But a non breathing patient had to wait 30 minutes to be seen....um...you do the math. Many of the waiting room waiters commented on the same thing....assuming that the wait might have killed her. So on an up note, by the time we hit the ER waiting room, waiting for JuJu to bring the car. Aria was trying to get the attention of everyone in the room, which she succeeded in doing...right on little rock star. So to close this I will end with a little message to my daughter.... Babe....DON'T EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN.......EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and.....I love you.

We just got M's new birth certificate int he mail!!!!!!! It is so weird. It has me listed as her mother (I am and always have been :) )and my dh listed as her father instead of my ex husband. It also shows our ages when she was born. I was very young when I gave birth to her, dh is only a year older then I am and lists him as 21 years old when she was born. We didn't know each other at the time. He was serving a mission for our church at the time she was born. We had a laugh about that wondering what people would think if they saw the birth certificate. M was more thrilled to see her new birth certificate then when her adoption was finalized-I think it made it real to her. Its really all done. What a good feeling it is. Musemoon-I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I was just listening to a talk on CD that my mom sent me about Victor Frankel (sp?) who survived the holocaust. You have that gift he taught-no matter what is happening in your life you realize that you have the power to find the joy. Thank you for sharing your inspiration and have fun at Disneyland. I got a call from my mom mid week last week. Whenever she calls with emotion in her voice or the way she is talking to me I know something is up and not in a good way. I came from a very small community but large in that it was like a big family, you knew everyone and everyone knew you. I also have huge-massive-extended family and we are all very close maybe having so many loved ones in your life is why I feel like I get too many calls like this. One of my cousins has been battling cancer for several years. He is only a year older then I am, he has 4 children and a beautiful wife-amazing family. Apparently they had overdosed him on his medication and he was on life support. It hit me so hard. I love living in NY but my heart it always with those in my hometown. I've never lived anywhere where people love each other and build each other up as they did in that little town. Most of us are related in some way. It was a beautiful way to grow up. With generations of people knowing you and helping you become. This is my cousin, sort of like a brother. Its so hard for me to be this far away from the immediate family I grew up, my extended family, and the "family" I knew as a child. I never get to be there for them and words will never come close to explaining the ways in which they were truly there for me in my time of need. The community is made up of farmers who scratched their existence out of the dessert. People who understand that calling yourself a Christian does not mean you are Christian. They, for the most part, behave in a manner that leaves no question as to they value and love for their fellow "brothers and sisters" on this planet earth. Everyone is accepted in that community. I am who I am because of my parents and the good people who live there. When my cousin was first diagnosed with cancer the town and surrounding area was in the middle of the worst drought anyone knows of for that area. Still the community sustained this family by canning food out of their garden, all families can food and grow a garden, its very much like going back in time..so different from the way I live. So everyone was asked to give a little of what they had to this family. He was a ditch rider and had to stop working. Its still pretty rural, and jobs like that really are necessary but he could have done anything with his life he's always been extremely intelligent went to college but he wanted a simple life. This left his family in a very bad place but through the help of people who didn't have anything to give they have been okay. We fasted and prayed as a family on Sunday for him and his family. I called my dad Sunday evening to see how he was doing and my dad had heard he was doing a little better but still on life support. When I was praying I just kind of knew I should pray more for his family then for him to live but instead for God's will. He's been in pain for so long, I saw him last year and I almost didn't recognize him. He looked and moved like an old man. The vibrant real life cowboy was gone in its place was pure agony. It was hard to see him like that but he has 4 young children who love and need him. His son is not much younger then my M. My parents both called me yesturday to tell me that he had died. It happened about the time I called my dad to see how he was doing. They had been trying to call me but we were out all day at parades and picnics. I had such an overwhelming feeling of peace with me all day long. I wondered why I needed that feeling, or energy, or whatever it was with me. When my parents told me even though I knew it was so likely it still didn't prepare me. I was very grateful for that peaceful feeling because through the loss that I was feeling, not for myself, but for his family who I love, I knew that they would be okay. I only wish there was more I could do for them. When someone I love dies it also tends to take me back emotionally to all of the losses I've experienced of loved ones, I fear the same happening to my own family. My dh always talks like he is going to leave me a widow, I know he's doing it more to prepare us in case something does happen but I dont know things like this just put me in a bad place emotionally. This really hasn't. I am so grateful to have felt sustained and as if I have grown. I only wish I could go "home" and be with my family right now. In my heart that is where I am. L

Okay laugh at me if you want to especially if you read my last words in the last post. I think there is purpose behind just about everything and I think the puppy care was preperation so that I would know I could do it and so that we would say 'yes'. I have no idea where this little angel's case is headed. I have absolutely no information-very frustrating. She could leave tomorrow, or stay forever-no clue. I don't even know why she was removed. I only know two other siblings are in care, not adopted, and that the foster home could not take a baby but that the siblings are very attached to this foster home. I don't have time to write much just that we are in love. She has Eli's skin tone, but other then that their features are very different, though everyone thinks they do (whatever...kind of annoying.) I was told we were getting a 6 week old baby boy felt 100% at peace with saying "yes" immediatly even though in the back of my mind I have felt for a long time the next baby will be a girl not a boy. I called dh immediatly he was gung ho, gave myself an hour to think about it, felt absolutely good about saying "yes" talked with Eli's worker and made sure it was not going to jeapordize anything with his adoption. I then called and said 'yes!' That evening I came home---such a long story!---to a perfect 6 week old baby who was dressed in pink. I told BIL (very long story as to why he was there) "wait a minute this is supposed to be a boy" he said "I haven't checked out the packaging but I'm pretty sure this is a girl." My BIL was soooo sweet. He took care of her for me until I could get home. In my heart I feel something significant. I go with my feelings here and wow am I in love. I'm crying just typing this. Anyway she is an angel baby. She fusses only when she is hungry. she is already cooing and smiling. she has almond eyes, cute chubby cheeks, and a head full of soft curls-her t-shirt she was wearing when she came said "I love my hair!" Eli LLLLLOOOOVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS her!!! Well so far anyway. He is very sweet with her. He is a loving little guy. busy but loving and always has been. He gave her a kiss and he doesn't give those out often. He says "awwwwwwww b..b..b...". Translation "oh how I love you baby girl" constantly. I sort of let him hold her while I was holding her and he did not want to give her up. He sat for a good 10 minutes which is equivelant to an hour for him :) DD's think she is the little princess. The coolest thing is that we adopted a kitten from the humane society on the same day. I adore animals, all animals, I always have. Ask my parents how many strays I brought home they have several stories. Then there are animals that are special to me, this kitten, which was sort of going to be the "puppy" the girls wanted was not intended but we all knew immediatly she was for our family. Thinking about raising a puppy, its just not a good time for us, so we compromised with a litter trained kitty. THe girls have been playing with her and set up their room as a kitty palace. They spent all their savings (exactly $15 and change) on kitty toys, a tunnel, made a her 4 beds in various places... Dh went to meet her after we had lunch together as a family and he's friends with the vet who cares for the animals at the humand society so they let him take him immediatly. They are currently over capacity with cats, totally meant to be that we found this sweet kitty. She is a character. I'm more of a dog person but I LOVE my kitties too. So we got home from that and I received the call about the baby "boy." What a week. Wow have to run. L I had a bad winter taking care of two babies...and questioned if I could do it again.

I FEEL AS IF I KEEP LOOKING IN VAIN THAT THERE IS NOBODY OUT THERE WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED TO ME,OR EVEN CAREING THAT THEY LEFT ME BEHIND. I JUST WANT TO KNOW SOMEONE IN MY BIOLOGICAL FAMILY CARES FOR ME

At this time, last year, I took a leap of faith and started on a journey to find out about me. I was adopted as an infant. My adoption was a closed adoption meaning my file was sealed. I always knew that I was adopted, my parents told me at a young age. It’s not something that I remember being told, I just always knew… but that’s all I knew! We never really talked about it and I never really felt the need to ask. Being adopted was always something I kept private. I just didn’t want anyone to think that I didn’t love my parents like they love their parents. I didn’t want to be different! However; growing up knowing that I was adopted I did feel different, I also felt ashamed and alone. I don’t really know why I felt this way. Maybe because my story was different from my friends. Maybe because I always felt the need to keep my adoption a secret or private. My parents and my brother loved me beyond measure and I grew up in a loving home, that was never the issue! Being adopted was just always something I wondered about and it would come up in certain times in my life. It would come up in school when I had to do projects on my heritage or family traits. It would come up when people would ask me questions like why are you so short or why do you have olive skin. I would just make a joke and say, I got the brains and my brother got the height. Really it would make me feel bad about myself because I really didn’t know. It would come up when I would go to the doctor and I didn’t know the answers to the questions. I also never asked my parents about my adoption because I didn’t want them to think that I didn’t love them or that we were different. I always tried to make my parents proud of me! I was a good kid, I played sports, I was good in school, I graduated from high school and college, I became successful, I got married and I started a family. Growing up my family had problems just as any other family would have but that wasn’t the reason that I needed to go on this journey. My marriage has hit some challenges along the way but that wasn’t the reason that I needed to go on this journey either. Going on this journey had nothing to do with how much I loved my parents or my family, that love will never change! Now, in my late 40’s, I needed to find out the questions that I wondered about throughout my life. I needed it for myself! I needed to find out my heritage, my medical history, who I resembled, why I was so short, why I had olive skin, why I was a good athlete and many other questions, such as… my story of why I was given up for adoption. I needed to find my birth-family and if they were okay or if they ever thought about me! I wondered if we had ever crossed paths. I wondered about my birth-mom and I had many questions for her! I wondered if my birth-mom survived giving me up! I wondered if she gave me up because it was best for me, if it was out of love or why. I wondered what her story was, what our story was and if she loved me! I wondered if the stories that I made up in my head were true. I had so many questions that I can’t even write them all down! So I took a leap of faith and started on my adoption journey. On this journey, there has been many emotions that I was in no way prepared for and that I did not know I would have to face! If you want to hear more of my story… I will share in future posts.

I've responded to Jackiejdajda today. She has some pretty good stuff to tell and encourage and this is some of it that I find easy to respond to: * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 1. Stand knee deep in the flow of life and pay attention.. 2. The act of paying attention is the healing.. 3. Paying attention to our feelings and not pushing them back.. allowing them to come out and know they will change.. and we can work into and through them.. 4. Paying attention to the beauty around us.. when the going is really hard.. 5. That is me being in right now.. bringing me back.. from the dark places.. 6. I embrace the grief now.. I almost like the feeling of it.. It takes me to depths of me..Jackie..[/quote] * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * this is my reply. Its an important step in my recovery, which is why I'm repeating it here. Jackie, I have listened to what you said about stand knee deep.. and pay attention. I have and its woken me to what IS happening rather than what ISN'T happening. What I'd hoped for is now consigned to the realms of fantasy - it just ain't happening. I'm grieving the loss of what I could have been for my son, the relationship we COULD have had, but it just isn't happening and doesn't show any signs of happening either. I've spent the past few weeks embracing the grief including that of what is NOT happening, but at the same time, adjusting to the new me that is surfacing. Like you, I am pleased with the person I am finding. I go out, I notice, I make notes, I am coming alive. Brockbaby started us on 3 nice things a day. Each day explodes with 10 or more, which I put in my diary. I"ve recently been contacted by a guy whom I met last July and he phoned me last Monday. He is amazingly poetic and his poems that he emailed me have taken me to another place. I am reciprocating his poetry with depths of my own that I haven't revealed for quite some years. It may not be romantic, but it in a platonic kind of way, it is, sorta. The real me and all its facets and depths are surfacing, and I'm quite enjoying it. The feelings I faced ... well, I didn't push them back. I allowed them to surface. They were not particularly pleasant, in fact they were outright horrible. But by working through them and allowing them, they got to me a place that I am happy to be now. Perhaps some work still to be done, but I am happy, as I'm finding new facets of the person that was buried under grief for far too long. That had to stop. I have been healing since April 2006 when my son found me and I've made adjustments to relinquish the pain that reunion and his defenses are inflicting on me. Thirty years is enough thank you. No more. I'm not willing to participate in what I can only describe as a war zone. I don't want to be here any more thanks. Sorry, but change it (son) into a peaceful, gentle, considerate zone and I may just want to come and join you.... I've had too many mines depthcharge and he's left me to get on with it. Can't do it anymore. Reunions can fail and I feel that mine has. I've lost heart... but I've found something else. My son may not be coming through this reunion very well, but I feel I am. That's not gloating. I am not happy with the way I have been treated by my son in this reunion, but I am happy with reunion, what its done for me. I've grasped all that I can to heal and its working. I look at my reunion photos and think that is what WAS (the only time, nearly 2 years ago) its not the NOW (he doesn't want to see me, or is not ready). I am getting on with my life and readjusted my 'expectations' to realising that his effect on me is toxic.. at the moment. He cannot give me anything whilst he is so busy 'fighting' his aparents. I am letting go. If we contact once or twice a year, so be it, but I can't let this young man whom I gave birth to nearly 30 years ago, eat away at my very soul. I just felt that this guy I met last year, who phoned this week and we've had several conversations and emails, well, he has just put 'soul' back in me. It was unexpected and it has been delightful, for us both. I was paying attention to the beauty around us and guess what, so was he and for some reason he picked up the phone and called.... at a time I was parked in a countryside lane, 'paying attention' to the things that matter - bird song, the beauty that we search for, trees, soil, getting back to Self. I look forward to sharing with him my love of mountains, walking, coral reefs, marine life, Antarctica, the list is endless... So I guess you could say, this is me. Coming back from the dark places. I embraced the grief. It gave me so much back. It gave me me, and I'm pretty delighted to get to know her. ((((Hugs)))) to all those who are out there in their darkness. It can be worked through, be brave. It will take you to a place of realisation - what you are capable of, you will find the real you, not the one still buried and suffocating in grief. Let those on the forums be the guides that dig you out of that avalanche. Accept their help. You guys are wonderful. I could never have gotten to this place without you. Hugs and tears, of gratitude and relief Still work to do, and healing to accomplish, but look how far you've come up the mountain, don't keep looking at what there is yet left to climb. Its too disheartening. When you look back, you will see the enormous journey you have made already, the heights of which will make you dizzy. Peace everyone Janny

Or maybe it was a real breakdown. So Eli and I are not in Florida, but everyone else is :(. My mom, my dad, and my dh and dd's. Dh had a Veterinary conference and dd's were so looking forward to this trip so I made them leave very reluctantly, mom and my niece had non-refundable airline tickets..and my girls needed some Grandma time. Anyway Maya came down with the most wicked cold/sickness just a few days before she was to be moved. I actually took an hour on the phone with the SW to convince them put off the move because she was so sick and I couldn't imagine letting her go that sick. Imagine letting her go period was hard enough. Keep in mind I had a heart procedure and technically I'm still recovering. Dh took her to the Dr., finally got her away from the crazy clinic I have been forced to take her to...and to a real Ped. Anyway she got put on 4 different meds and tested for RSV. On Monday she left still sick but doing much better. On Tuesday I got the call that she was RSV positive. Well in a matter of a few hours Eli went from normal child to almost not breathing child. He was hospitalized with RSV/Asthma. It was a nightmare for him, I am grateful he is okay. Today he was released but he's still not out of the woods. We are home. I thought I was coming down with a horrible flu but it ended up being exhaustion. Feeling much better now. After nights of no sleep, holding my overmedicated toddler who gets violent/angry on steroids but we had no choice but to give him double doses of along with double of his other breathing treatment meds....it was horrible. I would hold him as he screamed, body arching, kicking, hitting me, thrashing, I'm covered in battle scars, he's got a few bruises of his own from his violent thrashing they had to put padding along everything to keep him safe. I got a call from Maya's worker in the middle of all of this accusing me of not sending clothes that fit her, diapers, or her toys. Its insane...cause I sent way more then enough and spent a small fortune on that baby. New foster mom is looking for some $$$. That is when I lost it. SW "I'm shocked this is making you upset." I'm sobbing hysterics wondering what kind of family is this taking care of Maya??? I called dh immediatly and told him that he needs to call CPS and tell them not to contact me about anything, so not able to handle it. Then the Dr. came in and told me it "wasn't the steroids this is your son" in regards to his behavior horror fits of rage that lasted hours. Don't like Dr.s who think they know your child better then you do and won't listen. Anyway Eli didn't sleep, I didn't sleep. He was okay/as in not in horrible danger, oxygen level good but sick. Since having Eli he has never gone a day without eating even when I know he is sick and he shouldn't be hungry. He literally stopped eating. He would stare at the food and scream, stare at his drinks and scream. It was so sad. Finally they let us go today, not because he was 100% but because Dr who finally realized steroids put Eli into psycosis needed to heal at home. So we slept from 7am to 3pm. And the Dr. apologized...and I realized he felt bad for dismissing me and that made me feel better. I haven't talked about why Maya was moved because it is upsetting. It was our choice-and that is the most difficult part for me. We asked for our baby to leave. Maya's mother has had a fairly good relationship with me. I went to pick up Maya from a visit 2 days before I went into the hospital and right in front of the CPS building I was confronted for a good 20 minutes with this crazy woman/a woman I had since glimpses of in Maya's mother but never full force screaming in my face. SW kept threatening to get security but never did. Finally I just got in my car and drove off with her screaming hysterics that I was going to hurt her baby. In our county they publish our address and phone number for birth parents unless there is reason not to. The week prior to this happening it was explained to me by Maya's mother that she drove by my house, knew it was big, and described it to me,s he said she wanted her boys moved to my house because it was so big. That disturbed me and I felt it was strange. She has been acting strange towards me since early December. This is a woman with gang affiliations, who since I have known her has been arrested for assault on another woman, bragged to me about getting in a knife fight with her ex husband, etc. Dh refused to entertain any other choice then to have Maya moved. We thought long and hard. Reunification is looming. But to have her moved was not something he or I wanted. However, it was our choice. Our first rule when we decided to become foster parents was that we would never do anything that would put our family in danger. It was something we agreed to early on so that when emotions were high we would follow that rule regardless of feelings. I'm very upset because I feel that much of this blame falls on CPS. Maya's mom has a mental illness, and I expect this behavior from somebody like this, but I should have been protected, our family should have been protected. We were not. So she was moved because of our counties stupid policy of publishing our address and a SW who knew this was a mentally ill, violent person, and should have requested a non publish in the first place and protected me from this mothers crazy antics. SW's stated "its better she be in an AA home anyway" as if it was because I was white. Whatever. Its just hard. I'm simply heart broken. Its been a hard 2 weeks. This is all I have time for right now. I'll write more when I can. L

Ok, another day. I am getting so fed up with this. Everyone says that I am the one that is "going off the deep end" so to speak. I am just getting angry. DH is supposed to be taking it easy. True. DH is not supposed to lift more than 5lbs. True. DH is irritated because he wants to do "stuff" meaning he wants to make something...not clean or do taxes or anything that he might possibly be able to do. Yesterday I put a small wastebasket in front of him and asked if he'd pick up the trash on the floor (papers my little one had thrown on the floor) He looked at me like I'd grown another head! Then he's on the phone and while I'm on line trying to go over bills he asks if I can plug his phone in which is less than a foot away from him! He had a heart attack...not a stroke! Like I said, the things he can do, he won't and he wants to do the stuff he can't. I go shopping and forget to take my phone. Apparently he tried to call me and when I got home, yelled at me about how much stuff I got. When I asked what I'd done he was like I'd been "bitchy" all day. All I did was walk in the door! It all seems to have stemmed because I told him that he could do some things for himself. He then told me he wouldn't ask for my help anymore. When I told him he was being a marter he said he was. I really don't know what to do. He doesn't want me to lie to him and say everything is fine when it's not, but he doesn't want to hear the truth either. As soon as I say something he doesn't like or want to hear, I am then attacked with something or other. All I can say is I hope everything goes well at the doctors office tomorrow. Lori