Hi, on the 13th September 2016, My children were put into care by myself voluntary (section 20) I done this due to being in an abusive relationship, my husband physically and emotionally abused me and my children. I had to ensure they were safe so I made the call, now there adopted ! I couldn't get them back due to mental health issues, financial issues and housing. I honestly don't no how to cope it's really starting to eat me up recently I feel all alone and sad the majority of the time. Please if anyone is in this situation I need to talk to someone thanks for reading

I am an adoptee. I am completely supportive of adoption. Every person and every situation is different. I may not understand the reasons one decides to place a child for adoption, but I always support the decision. I could never place a child. I am selfish when it comes to my kids. I was not in a good position financially when I had either of them. I have never been able to give them all the things that they asked for or take them all the places they wanted to go. That aside, I have always felt I am the best person to raise them. I don't feel like anyone can love them, take care of them, or protect them the way I can because I am their mother. I recognize that is not always the case. I respect other people's choices not to parent. Despite my feelings as a mother I believe there is a tremendous amount of strength on adoption. The thought of taking a person who was physically attached to me for nine months and passing them to someone else is unbearable to me. In that position, that act would break me. It would end me. There would be no way to repair the shattered pieces of my former self. For those in open adoption, to see that child again and again would be like a knife stabbing me in the chest with every breath. I don't know where you find the strength, but I'm glad you do. For the parents who adopt, it must take great courage and confidence to raise a child who starts off as a stranger to you. I don't even like other people's children that much. I can't imagine moving one in and giving him or her the same love and affection as a biological child. Yet I know that you do because I was that child. It's not a charade or facade. It's real because I felt it. In recent years I have read too many stories of adoption wrapped in trauma and loss. What we need more of are tales of everyday people sporting invisible capes. I see you. No, adoptees should not be obligated to "give thanks" to their adoptive parents. They should feel thankful though. Adoption shouldn't be about sadness or emotional injuries. Adoption is about love and life and family.

SHE'S FINALLY FINAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What an amazing feeling this is :-) We are done. And it feels so good! Aria Elizabeth Serenity Hope!!!!!!!!!!! Is finally and officially my daughter! ROCK AND ROLL. I have pictures up on my Myspace that you can see and I will post on the forums in a few. The last ones in the group were from today. My angel was as always quite a ham and had even the court reporter in awe. It was a remarkable experience full of love and joy. I think the judge loves when they get a chance to do this. Sadly a lot of families were waiting in the lobby and I was told we were the only adoption that day in our courtroom, so you know they were for other types of hearings and well judging by the faces not all of them as joyous as our adoption. I remind myself again how blessed I am to be able to adopt my dearest little angel and pray that when it comes time for her little sister, we have the same kind of journey. I know that it is hard on birth mothers who lose their children to the system, I am sure it is devestating, but if Aria's birth mom could see her, I hope in my heart of hearts that she would be happy to see that Aria is a happy loved child....cause she is! On that note I will be calling Aria's birth sister today and letting her know that we are ready for another visit. :-) So here we are on cloud nine happy and blessed and thanking that Great Big Blue Fairy in the Sky for the best thing that ever ever ever happened in my life :-) Now I can focus on raising my sweetie, getting massive amounts of money for excellent work that I will be doing....exercizing the 20 lbs I somehow put on (sits and cries) but I will be hot again!!!!!!!!! I promise myself....oh and dreaming of Aria's little sister to come one day. I can't believe that I started this journal almost two years ago and it was just that a dream for a daughter and today that dream is realized, it shows that dreams really do come true and I believe that whole heartedly, you can manifest anything you truly believe in. :-) So....to little Indya, you will be home with us when it is your time to be here, until then Aria and I will be thinking of your with love and joy. You will be in our dreams. To my career, thank you for blossoming into a brilliant expression of my purpose on this earth. Thank you for providing for my family and then some, so that we can reach out and help others as well. To my family thank you for healing and growing. TT and Brad for getting pregnant and bringing a little one of your own into this world. Mom for finding your joy and purpose on this beautiful earth. To HMG....thank you for being there for our little family, I wish you all the love and joy life brings to you. To Aunt Bana thank you for being Aria's God mother and loving her so much and being such a good friend to me. To Aria....baby just blossom and grow as you have been doing, the world is yours...but um...you already know that. To all of you continued love and joy even in the rough times....it is always worth it in the end. :-) Here is my myspace page http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=122483386 Enjoy....I'm gonna go hug and squeeze MY KID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WEEEHOOO

Hey, i am Alicia and i am 24 years old. I am a nursing mother of a 4 month old baby girl, looking for a parent or parents to Adopt her. Please reach out if any interests . (cee.cyndee25@gmail.com)[img]https://adoption.com/community/PF.Base/file/attachment/2017/06/c7431a2a81919ad4098c0805653df353_view.jpg[/img]

I am looking for my half brother who was born 11-1-1966 at OSF Peoria, IL and was name Gary Lee. He was adopted shortly around the same time. I have information about his BF and of course BM which is my mother. I am very interested in finding him and seeing if wanting to learn about his birthfamily

It is 3am and I can't sleep. yesterday my husband had a major heart attack. He is too young. He is only 40! We have children, he has to walk our daughter down the isle, he has to teach our sons to be good men. He can't leave me all alone. I am trying to have faith but I'm afraid. I can't by myself. I am trying but I don't stand why. why now. things happen for a reason. I believe that. people have told me and i realize that things could have gone alot worse. he was supposed to have shoveled his moms driveway out. he was going to take a nap. either cases he might not have been found right away. as it happened he was going to change and collapsed. i heard it and responded quickly but i don't know if it was quick enough. my 2 yr old was keeling next to him and tryinig to give him compressions along with me saying dad wake up. dad wake up. my 11yr old was there crying and trying to help with the baby when the peramedics came. i cna't do this. i want to scream. i am trying to hold it together. i know everyone expects me to fall apart because he is my rock. my skin burns. it hurts when people touch me. i want to be hugged by not by them but by him. i want to hear him tell me everything is going to be ok. that we'll get through this like everything else. but he's not here. i need him and i want him with me. everyone wants to help and i just want to curl up in a ball and be by myself. people keep saying what can i do. is there something i can do to help. it takes everything that i have not to say can you bring him home. if you can't then there is nothing you can do for me. i know that's wrong. but i can't but feel that way. i can't break down. i have to stay strong for my kids. i need prays. i need alot of prayers. i have to keep my faith. god can't do this to me to my family.

I was hoping you’all could give me some ideas. I've had many, but want to consider any new ideas before making a decision. Situation: In 1965 I was the product of a one night stand and therefore adopted out. In 2008, the mediator found my birthmother, but she refused contact with me because NO ONE in her family knew she had had me. At the time I was born, she was divorced with 3 children, and I learned she had another child after me. Well, in 2016, when the State of Colorado released birth certificates to adoptees, I got mine in the mail and did what 90% of us would have done, I Googled my birthmother’s name. Found out she, her first husband, and her current husband have all passed away recently. But I also found my 4 half-siblings (I’m still not sure how I feel about Facebook and it openness!) I guess what I’m really asking is for you to imagine that all of a sudden a person contacts you and they have the proof that your mother kept such a huge secret for so long and you wouldn’t even be able to talk to her about it. As far as I know, they know nothing about me. Question is two-fold. Do I make contact? If so, do you have any ideas on how to start that message? If not, why shouldn’t I?

Well....after spending the whole night in the ER last night and returning at 5am. Momma, Me and Aria returned from our adventures in late night/early morning ER drama. Kiddo had another gut wrenching seizure! Today she is more adorable than ever, but last night she looked like her life just hung on a thread. It kills you to see your children that way, eyes rolled back in their heads listless body and other than a little eye movement, no indication what so ever that your baby is ever coming back to normal, until finally....they do. THANK GOD SO this means we will be seeing a neurologist and begin a battery of tests :-( I believe in my heart of hearts that she will be just fine, in fact I know she will....but we have to go through the motions. My sw did inform me that Aria was one of the most severely drug exposed babies they had had at the agency....news to me. Well...I would adopt her one thousand times over and over again, she is the most beautiful, loving, wonderful, smart and HEALTHY child I have ever seen and I would do it again and again! In fact as my little one is being poked and prodded (literally, with blood tests, a cathater...etc) she would wave to passer bys, befriended a homeless patient, a nurse (who was not ours, but would check in a and talk to only her ever hour of the 11 hours we were in the ER) a biracial family across the hall, an 80 year old woman, who would lift up her head all the time, smile and wave at her. We kept wondering who Aria was waving at and when we looked over we say the sweet wrinkled face of a very old, very sick woman. Aria was the light of the ER, in fact when we left we heard people in the rooms down the hall talking about "the beautiful little drug baby who had a seizure" She actually had two :-( last night. People would pass our room and comment "oh she is beautiful" It was funny and at 5am....an itsy bit annoying, but I was so proud of my little rock star. She only cried when she was being prodded, and eventually ended up with a 104 degree temp, which made her worse. We think this one may have been a febrile seizure, however, the fever began after the seizure started so we are not sure, but I am hoping it is, however we will have yet more doctors and tests and see what happens :-( We also cancelled her bday party til, next week, so that she is up for the party...as well as it looks like rain in these parts....so that's our update. On the sorta good news front. Aria's second seizure has triggered the "all systems go!" on having her classified as a medically fragile child (California is SO supportive with services) and I will be receiving the medically fragile rate....so YALE!!!! Here we come! I might have to fight for the rate, but because Aria's toxicology was so high at birth and with the seizures, it has added a level of medically uncertainty to her case which classifies her as a medical needs child. I have to go to classes for special needs...but I am really excited about doing this because I want to know what to do if she has another seizure. We had our second ambulance ride last night and I....I don't know I guess I would call again, it looks like she's dying when she has these. And they said that potentially the brain could be damaged and it's better to get immediate medical help....so I just stuck the state with another ambulance ride bill.....yikes. I pray to GOD!!!! I never have to see her go through that again. At first they thought it was a petit mal, but we finally realized that she is having Grand Mal seizures, just a different kind that the thrash about kind. I don't know what would be scarier, thrashing about or her kind where she tenses up her head fixes to the side and her eyes roll back in her head......oh boy I hate these! So that's all so far. Forever Family I hope you are having fun on your trip and that when you come home, you will be able to pick up your son. Thank you all for the bday wishes, I can't believe that when I started this journal I was dreaming of my child and today she is home and has just turned one!!!!! Nothing makes me believe more in dreams coming true than that. THANK YOU GOD! Thanks for everything.

Yes I know I'm getting ahead of myself I know we have a long and rough road ahead of ourselves before we adopt him but in my heart I feel that this is our son. So on the day I met my baby. I was scared and nervous I prayed that I would feel something, some kind of bond/attachment, to just know. It was strange because his foster family lives very near where D's mom was living. So I drove past that part of the city and surprised myself by finding the home very quickly. I was nervous, had butterflies and wanted to throw up. It was like meeting my husband all over again. (LONG story) I remember thinking on my way to the door through the cold that this felt exactly the same and how odd that it was. I knocked and nobody answered. I was worried I had the wrong house. Keep in mind that it is frigid cold. I was so nervous, this didn't help. I knocked 3 different times each time a little louder. No doorbell. Finally the foster mom opened the door. I remember thinking how young she looked. She motioned me towards the living room. I have to tell you as soon as I saw E my heart knew this was my child. He was grinning from ear to ear bouncing up and down in his walker. He has the most beautiful large eyes, long thick eye lashes that curl slightly up, he has dimples on both cheeks, puffs of curly hair on top, he is the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen. But that is not why I knew he was mine. It was a feeling more then anything. His foster mom took him out of his walker and handed him to me. He looked right into my eyes and smiled. I tickled him under his chin while talking to him and he laughed, the best sound! I was able to feed him a bottle. He looked into my eyes the entire time. I felt a connection. It was time for his nap so I had to leave. As I left his foster mom and him stood at the window waving goodbye. We were leaving for the weekend for Canada to visit dh's grandparents. I wasn't going to see him for 9 days! I got in my car called my dh got emotional and told him "I think I just met our son." We were NOT going to tell ANYONE in his family as they have not been supportive of foster/adopt since our recent placement of two infants went home. We also did not know if this was going to be a for sure thing at all. I guess as soon as I was done talking he got off of the phone and told all of his family. I called my mom and told her the news. She called my dad on her cell phone and held it up to the phone. We decided that dh and dd's needed to meet him before we made a final decision. We all wanted to feel the same way I did. I went to Target and baby Gap and purchased some cute clothes. I went to Toys-R-Us and got him some toys. We ended up having a big snow storm and we were not able to go to Canada-oh darn. Instead we had were able to go and get E on Friday. Dh got work off early. As soon as dh saw him he broke out in a smile. He reached for E and E reached out to him! It was such a sweet moment. Even the foster mom had a few tears in her eyes. (I love this lady-so grateful for what she has done and is doing!) Dh got him giggling in no time. We got him and all of his many many bags in the car-good foster mommy didn't want us to go out shopping. We arrived home just in time. The girls walked through the door and there was E. They both instantly loved him. It is amazing and unusual how much all of us have felt this instant connection to this baby. He makes it easy with his dimpled smiles. Oh if only I could post a picture! We had him all weekend. There were many precious moments. He loves to snuggle. He loves it when I sing and read to him. He loves to play with the girls. We were worried about the in-laws and us accepting a placement after telling them we were done and them being 100% against us ever doing foster care again. We went to have dinner Friday evening and as soon as I walked in the door my FIL scooped him up. He looked right at him and tears welled up in his eyes as my FIL said hello. My MIL couldn't believe how gorgeous he was. I was getting a little irritated that I couldn't hold my baby! I know he needs to attach to one person right now. But this was good. We now have the full support of our in-laws who are absolutely head over heals for this little guy. He is a good baby, he really is. He has some issues he needs some help with but he is a baby he has found his family and he will overcome all of them. I don't think there was a moment of if he would come to live with us or if we would do this it was when and can it be soon??? It was very hard to take him back Sunday afternoon. I reluctantly did. He was very happy to see his foster mom and foster siblings. He gave his 2 year old foster sister a big hug and sloppy kiss. I could see the wonderful bond he has developed with his foster family and that was very comforting to know how well he has been cared for. It will be easier for him to bond to us and form a healthy attachment. I am going to be working hard on attachment parenting! I am so excited. I got a call Sunday evening from my mom and dad who are planning a trip in one month to come and meet the baby, I love my parents! They want to meet their newest grandson. I told them that this is not going to be final until that piece of paper is signed and that can take a year or more. They don't care they feel the same way I do that this was meant to be and we will adopt him. My mom will be here for 2 weeks my dad will come for a few days. SW wants a slow transition into our home. We will do that over the next month. It makes it hard on me but I do feel it will be easier on E. Oh we plan on changing his name to Eli (not his given name but it is close enough to be his nickname so we won't get in trouble.) DD was reading a book and the name Eli was used it struck all of us that this was his name. So little Eli will be living with us in a month if all goes as planned. I am beat! I better go to bed. weird how this is not at all what we were planning right now but it is exactly why we entered foster/adopt.

I want to preface this by saying that Aria is ok. :-) By this evening she was back to her giggly/wiggly self.....but having said that today was a real test of motherhood and bravery for me. As I like to make light of aweful things I will give two reflections on this story. The first is the facts, the second is the funnies. The facts. I had a meeting in Santa Monica with my boss and another producer for a documentary we are filming in Japan in February. Presently the American Film Market is happening in Santa Monica, so the lobby of the hotel where our meeting was to take place was packed with press/stars/entertainment business folk. So the room was crowded with people of note (at least in our small narcissistic world) Aria had a weird day today. She fell asleep while eating in her highchair which she has never done before. She also was not quite her playful self. I chalked it up to her staying up a half hour late to entertain dinner guests that HMG, JuJu and I hosted for a big party last night. In true party girl fashion, she didn't want to go to bed and miss the fun....I gave her a little extra time, but not whole night like Halloween. Anyway when I arrive in Santa Monica for my meeting, she is asleep in the car seat, since we had been on the road for a hour, I thought it would be fine to take her out. She usually takes a minute to wake up and then just starts smiling. When I took her out today, she clutched my neck hard (like a toddler or preschooler would do) and her head started dropping backwards, at the same time her eyes lost focus and started to roll. I got her head up, but she could only move it to one side and she still could not focus her eyes, her mouth then dropped open and she looked like she was gasping for air. I started to cry as I held her and tried to get her to become alert again. JuJu WAS AMAZING, she was so strong and loving she kept trying to talk to Aria to get her to respond. Aria knew what was happening to her, but she couldn't stop it and her little eyes pleaded with me to help her. I just held her and kissed her and massaged her neck, thinking she had woken up with a stiff neck or something. But honestly in my heart of hearts I knew there was something wrong. I know this child better than I know myself and a mother knows when her kid is ill :-( In fact for a moment....just one horrid moment, it felt like she was dying. We where finally able to get her to become a bit more alert and I headed toward my meeting, thinking that she had needed to sleep and had a stiff neck, but when we entered the lobby of the hotel it happened again. And this time it was worse, she looked like she was experiencing some kind of cerebral palsy, without the jerky motions, just a fluid rolling of the head and a disconnect with the eyes. That is when I calmly (If you can believe that) went up to the front desk and said. "Please call 911 there is something wrong with my baby." To which I met am with a blank stare. I repeat "Please call 911" He says "Are you a guest of the hotel?" In my delirium I say "no, I'm here for a business meeting," Not surprising considering that the world's largest film market is happening not more than 10 feet in front of him. I then tell him that my baby (which he can see) is lethargic and non-responsive PLEASE CALL 911!!!!!! By this time my boss has arrived and all 4'10" inches of shear craziness pitches a fit in the middle of the lobby and demands that someone call 911. Who shows up? Hotel security!!!! So now I am faced with Men In Black, complete with earpieces. By this time Aria has stopped the seizure, but is still lethargic and detached. My boss starts screaming at security as she notices that Aria is really sick. My kiddo is a smiling drooling cooing moving beautiful bundle of engergy. The child in my arms was unmoving, lethargic drooling (and not the good teething drool....but the vacant stare drool) with half closed eye lids, under which her 100% aware eyes were begging someone to help her feel better. It is not until I meet the manager of the hotel and say that I am a fost/adoptive mother of a drug exposed baby, having a meeting with my boss, who they now recognize and start appologizing to, did they begin to take me seriously and actually CALL 911 as I had asked them to do 10 minutes before. The woman happens to be AA and I explain my story, she adds something like I am a saint for adopting a drug baby (whatever!) and FINALLY CALLS 911. Now we become the most catered to people in the hotel, we are given bottled water, told to sit down, the manager lady (sorry this is all a bit hazy) sits with me and talks, but I can't remember what about. All I really remember is looking at Aria and holding her, remembering how connected we where when she had her first seizure, her little arms holding my neck and her little eyes looking at me with fear and love, all she wanted to do was cuddle, even though the little dear had no head nor, eye control. I remember sitting with her in my arms my head against hers just whispering to her to stay here with me....not to leave. To stay and live til old age, to grow up and become whatever she wants. Even though I want her to be a baby Beyonce, I gave her free reign to be a scientist, a gardner, a bank teller, a rock star, a politician, heck....she can even be a republican.....just grow up one day....please, let me be able to see you grow up til adulthood and beyond. In essence, please God....please, let her get through this ok. Now I know that with the head circumfrence issue and the learning delays, we have faced challenges....all which were actually kinda fictional, cause they really weren't anything. Maybe they were preparing me for this moment. I'm not sure. But today was real. And I must say, even though I will adopt another drug exposed baby....it was the drug exposure that did this. Later in the hospital I learn, that the prenatal drug exposure can cause seizures...and d@mn it, if that isn't what happened. Anyway 8 paramedics, a fire truck and two ambulances show up to escort my little rock star to the emergency room. We were wheeled on a gurney through the lobby of the Shutters Hotel while the world's largest Film Market/Shmooz fest is happening. We are raced to emergancy, seen by doctors, have a CAT SCAN (anyone ever sit through THAT WITH YOUR CHILD???????). To see if, yet again, she has a brain tumor. I would rather stick needles in my eyes than ever watch my child go through a CAT scan ever again. We are told that the CAT scan is clear. Yeah no tumors!!!! My wacko boss comes and pushes around the emergancy staff, finally finds us and tells me I need to give Aria water. To appease her we give Aria a capful....oh wait....I do this not to appease her but Aria just had spewed projectile vomitosis all over my shoulder, the chair, the floor, the wall and the corner of a cute Disney poster that had baby Mikey, Minnie and Donalds etc. In fact Ju Ju and I were commenting on how we think Aria is the sassy Daisy Duck on the top of the picture trying to reach for the bow on the top of the cake, way above the rest and nearest to the string of puke that is making it's way to the floor. So I think after a jet propelled spew like that, kiddo may need a little rehydration. At this point she is getting to be more like herself and I am starting to feel better. Doctor comes in and tells me that the CAT scan is clear, but that Aria had a Petit Mal Seizure and will need to see our doctor, which she will do tomorrow or at their earliest convienience and was given a pamphlet on Epilepsy. We leave. JuJu and I have a nervous breakdown, decide to get fattning food at a fav. restaurant and our day ends with Aria eating avacados and half of my veggie burger bun, and saying "mmm" at the top of her lungs, me with FRIES :-) and a fat glass of wine and JuJu with a towering burger, all of us happy, tired, puffy eyed and glad to be a family. Revelations on this journey. JuJu says that watching Aria cling to me and look in my eyes as she is having her seizure really helped her understand the meaning of the word "mother" That at the time of crisis a baby looks to and needs their mother, and the love between that mother/father and their child is from God and is the most perfect love. She also said that seeing Aria and I together she knew that there was no one else in this world who could really call her mom, cause today she needed me. She also said that she now knows how deep love flows, and how profound it is as she watched her little Aria struggle through the seizure, she said her heart burst and the love she had for Aria grew bigger than anything she has ever known. For me I saw JuJu and her angelic little face and how she smiled and told me all would be ok as Aria eyes rolled back in her head. But behind her smile I saw the tears well in her eyes and the concern she was hiding. I saw her grow up today, I saw her mature and become a woman, and I saw us grow as a family. I am not the whiney "un-mom" of the last post, but a more empathetic and well....dare we say....more motherly mom. And for Aria....if it is even possible....I now love her MORE! I saw her soul today....I saw her as person... as a person who reached out to her mother for help when her body betrayed her. Yesterday I loved her as a baby, today I love her as a person, this person who for one moment during a seizure became more than a nine month old child....she became an ageless being with a perfect means of articulate communication, she became my daughter not my adopted daughter, but more, more than any definition can discribe....she is the person whose soul is in tune with mine, there is no other person on this planet who is closer or more one with me than Aria and today taught me that. We called HMG from the hospital and he took the news harder than anyone, I think cause he wasn't there and just had such a lovely dinner last night where she and he rolled around the floor, giggled and played all night and today, she has a petit mal seizure. :-( Ok....now for the funnies ready! 1. Being wheeled past Diane Keaton having lunch with a friend on a gurney with my child as a Fire Engine 2 ambulances and 8 paramedics escort us to the emergancy room. 2. Sitting the the ambulance with my lethargic, little one cluched to my chest thinking..."Is is wrong to flirt with the HOT fireman who is asking all sorts of personal questions, while my child may be gravely ill?" And I mean he was HOT!!!! However, the mix of brave motherhood and gut swirling fear won and I paid attention only to my kiddo. 2. Projectile Vomitosis that drips down a Disney poster. 3. Ju Ju and I doing an entire choreographed dance to LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU while a trauma patient, an old man, a victim of a gun shot wound and various ER staff watch our full production, kicks, twirls and all as we try to get Aria to laugh. 4. Singing folks songs to my kiddo as she is strapped down and placed under the CAT Scan machine, screaming so loudly and profoundly that she is actually blowing bubbles of saliva that start in her throat and grow out her mouth like bubble gum. To have her finally calm down and look at me with brave eyes while they take the pictures which makes me break down in sobbing tears as I try to continue singing Like A Bridge Over Troubled Water. When we are done, I look over and all the technicians behind the glass are crying. 5. Waiting in the ER waiting room after we were done for JuJu to get the car while a man in a wheelchair claims he's dying and why doesn't he get service. A frantic Nurse runs in and asks "Whose the person that was found in a car not breathing??" They point to a person who is behind a pole. She tries to confirm. "Was there anyone else in this room found in a car not breathing???" Everyone who has been in the room for hours points to the person behind the pole. The nurse is relieved. "I just wanted to make sure" A person in the room yells that she has been there for about a half hour. And when they finally wheel her into the ER, she's about 100 years old....and um....I think dead. (I know not funny) But a non breathing patient had to wait 30 minutes to be seen....um...you do the math. Many of the waiting room waiters commented on the same thing....assuming that the wait might have killed her. So on an up note, by the time we hit the ER waiting room, waiting for JuJu to bring the car. Aria was trying to get the attention of everyone in the room, which she succeeded in doing...right on little rock star. So to close this I will end with a little message to my daughter.... Babe....DON'T EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN.......EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and.....I love you.

We just got M's new birth certificate int he mail!!!!!!! It is so weird. It has me listed as her mother (I am and always have been :) )and my dh listed as her father instead of my ex husband. It also shows our ages when she was born. I was very young when I gave birth to her, dh is only a year older then I am and lists him as 21 years old when she was born. We didn't know each other at the time. He was serving a mission for our church at the time she was born. We had a laugh about that wondering what people would think if they saw the birth certificate. M was more thrilled to see her new birth certificate then when her adoption was finalized-I think it made it real to her. Its really all done. What a good feeling it is. Musemoon-I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I was just listening to a talk on CD that my mom sent me about Victor Frankel (sp?) who survived the holocaust. You have that gift he taught-no matter what is happening in your life you realize that you have the power to find the joy. Thank you for sharing your inspiration and have fun at Disneyland. I got a call from my mom mid week last week. Whenever she calls with emotion in her voice or the way she is talking to me I know something is up and not in a good way. I came from a very small community but large in that it was like a big family, you knew everyone and everyone knew you. I also have huge-massive-extended family and we are all very close maybe having so many loved ones in your life is why I feel like I get too many calls like this. One of my cousins has been battling cancer for several years. He is only a year older then I am, he has 4 children and a beautiful wife-amazing family. Apparently they had overdosed him on his medication and he was on life support. It hit me so hard. I love living in NY but my heart it always with those in my hometown. I've never lived anywhere where people love each other and build each other up as they did in that little town. Most of us are related in some way. It was a beautiful way to grow up. With generations of people knowing you and helping you become. This is my cousin, sort of like a brother. Its so hard for me to be this far away from the immediate family I grew up, my extended family, and the "family" I knew as a child. I never get to be there for them and words will never come close to explaining the ways in which they were truly there for me in my time of need. The community is made up of farmers who scratched their existence out of the dessert. People who understand that calling yourself a Christian does not mean you are Christian. They, for the most part, behave in a manner that leaves no question as to they value and love for their fellow "brothers and sisters" on this planet earth. Everyone is accepted in that community. I am who I am because of my parents and the good people who live there. When my cousin was first diagnosed with cancer the town and surrounding area was in the middle of the worst drought anyone knows of for that area. Still the community sustained this family by canning food out of their garden, all families can food and grow a garden, its very much like going back in time..so different from the way I live. So everyone was asked to give a little of what they had to this family. He was a ditch rider and had to stop working. Its still pretty rural, and jobs like that really are necessary but he could have done anything with his life he's always been extremely intelligent went to college but he wanted a simple life. This left his family in a very bad place but through the help of people who didn't have anything to give they have been okay. We fasted and prayed as a family on Sunday for him and his family. I called my dad Sunday evening to see how he was doing and my dad had heard he was doing a little better but still on life support. When I was praying I just kind of knew I should pray more for his family then for him to live but instead for God's will. He's been in pain for so long, I saw him last year and I almost didn't recognize him. He looked and moved like an old man. The vibrant real life cowboy was gone in its place was pure agony. It was hard to see him like that but he has 4 young children who love and need him. His son is not much younger then my M. My parents both called me yesturday to tell me that he had died. It happened about the time I called my dad to see how he was doing. They had been trying to call me but we were out all day at parades and picnics. I had such an overwhelming feeling of peace with me all day long. I wondered why I needed that feeling, or energy, or whatever it was with me. When my parents told me even though I knew it was so likely it still didn't prepare me. I was very grateful for that peaceful feeling because through the loss that I was feeling, not for myself, but for his family who I love, I knew that they would be okay. I only wish there was more I could do for them. When someone I love dies it also tends to take me back emotionally to all of the losses I've experienced of loved ones, I fear the same happening to my own family. My dh always talks like he is going to leave me a widow, I know he's doing it more to prepare us in case something does happen but I dont know things like this just put me in a bad place emotionally. This really hasn't. I am so grateful to have felt sustained and as if I have grown. I only wish I could go "home" and be with my family right now. In my heart that is where I am. L

Okay laugh at me if you want to especially if you read my last words in the last post. I think there is purpose behind just about everything and I think the puppy care was preperation so that I would know I could do it and so that we would say 'yes'. I have no idea where this little angel's case is headed. I have absolutely no information-very frustrating. She could leave tomorrow, or stay forever-no clue. I don't even know why she was removed. I only know two other siblings are in care, not adopted, and that the foster home could not take a baby but that the siblings are very attached to this foster home. I don't have time to write much just that we are in love. She has Eli's skin tone, but other then that their features are very different, though everyone thinks they do (whatever...kind of annoying.) I was told we were getting a 6 week old baby boy felt 100% at peace with saying "yes" immediatly even though in the back of my mind I have felt for a long time the next baby will be a girl not a boy. I called dh immediatly he was gung ho, gave myself an hour to think about it, felt absolutely good about saying "yes" talked with Eli's worker and made sure it was not going to jeapordize anything with his adoption. I then called and said 'yes!' That evening I came home---such a long story!---to a perfect 6 week old baby who was dressed in pink. I told BIL (very long story as to why he was there) "wait a minute this is supposed to be a boy" he said "I haven't checked out the packaging but I'm pretty sure this is a girl." My BIL was soooo sweet. He took care of her for me until I could get home. In my heart I feel something significant. I go with my feelings here and wow am I in love. I'm crying just typing this. Anyway she is an angel baby. She fusses only when she is hungry. she is already cooing and smiling. she has almond eyes, cute chubby cheeks, and a head full of soft curls-her t-shirt she was wearing when she came said "I love my hair!" Eli LLLLLOOOOVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS her!!! Well so far anyway. He is very sweet with her. He is a loving little guy. busy but loving and always has been. He gave her a kiss and he doesn't give those out often. He says "awwwwwwww b..b..b...". Translation "oh how I love you baby girl" constantly. I sort of let him hold her while I was holding her and he did not want to give her up. He sat for a good 10 minutes which is equivelant to an hour for him :) DD's think she is the little princess. The coolest thing is that we adopted a kitten from the humane society on the same day. I adore animals, all animals, I always have. Ask my parents how many strays I brought home they have several stories. Then there are animals that are special to me, this kitten, which was sort of going to be the "puppy" the girls wanted was not intended but we all knew immediatly she was for our family. Thinking about raising a puppy, its just not a good time for us, so we compromised with a litter trained kitty. THe girls have been playing with her and set up their room as a kitty palace. They spent all their savings (exactly $15 and change) on kitty toys, a tunnel, made a her 4 beds in various places... Dh went to meet her after we had lunch together as a family and he's friends with the vet who cares for the animals at the humand society so they let him take him immediatly. They are currently over capacity with cats, totally meant to be that we found this sweet kitty. She is a character. I'm more of a dog person but I LOVE my kitties too. So we got home from that and I received the call about the baby "boy." What a week. Wow have to run. L I had a bad winter taking care of two babies...and questioned if I could do it again.

I FEEL AS IF I KEEP LOOKING IN VAIN THAT THERE IS NOBODY OUT THERE WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED TO ME,OR EVEN CAREING THAT THEY LEFT ME BEHIND. I JUST WANT TO KNOW SOMEONE IN MY BIOLOGICAL FAMILY CARES FOR ME

At this time, last year, I took a leap of faith and started on a journey to find out about me. I was adopted as an infant. My adoption was a closed adoption meaning my file was sealed. I always knew that I was adopted, my parents told me at a young age. It’s not something that I remember being told, I just always knew… but that’s all I knew! We never really talked about it and I never really felt the need to ask. Being adopted was always something I kept private. I just didn’t want anyone to think that I didn’t love my parents like they love their parents. I didn’t want to be different! However; growing up knowing that I was adopted I did feel different, I also felt ashamed and alone. I don’t really know why I felt this way. Maybe because my story was different from my friends. Maybe because I always felt the need to keep my adoption a secret or private. My parents and my brother loved me beyond measure and I grew up in a loving home, that was never the issue! Being adopted was just always something I wondered about and it would come up in certain times in my life. It would come up in school when I had to do projects on my heritage or family traits. It would come up when people would ask me questions like why are you so short or why do you have olive skin. I would just make a joke and say, I got the brains and my brother got the height. Really it would make me feel bad about myself because I really didn’t know. It would come up when I would go to the doctor and I didn’t know the answers to the questions. I also never asked my parents about my adoption because I didn’t want them to think that I didn’t love them or that we were different. I always tried to make my parents proud of me! I was a good kid, I played sports, I was good in school, I graduated from high school and college, I became successful, I got married and I started a family. Growing up my family had problems just as any other family would have but that wasn’t the reason that I needed to go on this journey. My marriage has hit some challenges along the way but that wasn’t the reason that I needed to go on this journey either. Going on this journey had nothing to do with how much I loved my parents or my family, that love will never change! Now, in my late 40’s, I needed to find out the questions that I wondered about throughout my life. I needed it for myself! I needed to find out my heritage, my medical history, who I resembled, why I was so short, why I had olive skin, why I was a good athlete and many other questions, such as… my story of why I was given up for adoption. I needed to find my birth-family and if they were okay or if they ever thought about me! I wondered if we had ever crossed paths. I wondered about my birth-mom and I had many questions for her! I wondered if my birth-mom survived giving me up! I wondered if she gave me up because it was best for me, if it was out of love or why. I wondered what her story was, what our story was and if she loved me! I wondered if the stories that I made up in my head were true. I had so many questions that I can’t even write them all down! So I took a leap of faith and started on my adoption journey. On this journey, there has been many emotions that I was in no way prepared for and that I did not know I would have to face! If you want to hear more of my story… I will share in future posts.

OMG!!!! She called me last night!!! IT"S HER! I got a call on my cell and it's her! I couldn't get to it right away and when I saw the number I was like who do I know in this area code? DH was like it could be our son (he's on an away field trip with his class for a few days) and I was just about to call back when I realized that I had a voice message. I listened and it was her! She said that it was Diana and I was right! My daughter and dh both listened to the message. DH said he didn't care about the expensive phone call (we were already over our free minutes for the month OUCH) so I called her back. We talked from 6-9 (then I called her back so that the after 9 call was free and talked to her till 11:30pn) I guess I know where I get my talking gene from! LOL! It was so surreal! We are so alike. It reminds me of my best friend when we first met. The first time we spent the night at her house we stayed up all night going "Do you like this?"..."So do I!" and then we'd slap hands. It was like that! It was like sitting down and talking to myself! Amazing! She was so happy! She kept telling me that she'd always hoped that I'd look for her. She felt that was maybe why she'd given me the middle name that she had and also why she had always kept the Moran name apart of her name. Simply amazing! I still can't believe it! She told me that my brother and sister always knew about me and that she wishes that we would have found each other sooner. I swear I still can't believe that I talked to her. I have to admit I felt a little guilty. When we talked I felt bad because I would tell her something about my growing up and kept saying "my mom" would say this or "my mom" would do that and ever time I flinched thinking does that make her feel bad? I know my amom would really not like it that if she knew how similar we are. She would feel so threatened! As far as she's concerned I'm her baby. (I have to call her today! ...not to tell her about this but just because! I feel guilty when I think about her like I've swipped a cookie from the cookie jar and I know if she counts them she'll know.) I guess that's something I'll have to live with. I just woke up dh..partially because he has to get up for work and partially because I need to talk...like I didn't get enough of that last night! I'll write more later... Lori

Tomorrow I will be having lunch with my daughter. She called after 7 days with no word. We've exchanged text messages and a few phone calls. I'm concerned that her mental health is compromised, but she is confident that she is doing well. My emotions across heart-break, love, fear and anger. I hope she will agree to seek some counseling, but I am not hopeful. I suspect I will have less of a relationship with her than she will have with her bio-mother who attempted to drown her when she was seven. I understand wanting to know more about one's history; I don't understand abandoning the stable family for the unknown.

I am posting to this site as my first real attempt to find my brother. I know his original first name was William(Bill) and that he was born on October 25, 1956, at Augustana Hospital in Chicago, IL. All of my life, I was told by my mother that he died a few days after he was born. So I never questioned it. Then when my mother died in 1982(my father died in 1959) I found a journal of my grandmother. She was actually my step-grandmother and not a very nice lady. In this journal, she states that my brother was given up for adoption to St. Vincent dePaul Hon on 12/08/1956. I did not believe this at first due to this woman's history of lies and meaness. After thinking about it, I realized that since we were Catholics, if the baby had died, he would of had to be buried and my mother and I never visited a grave. When my father died, we visited his grave daily for six months and then frequently after that. This lead me to believe the adoption story might be true. So here I am, the sister who has no legal right to the closed adoption records and no living family members to confirm or deny. I actually do not know for sure the last name that would have been on my brother's birth certificate, possiibly Villano or Crowley or ? If anyone who was adopted, looking for birth family member and was born on 10/25/56, please contact me.

I'm a father and I really really miss my boy. I miss reading him Bible stories regularly. Because of him I have read the Bible like I haven't in years. When he was here it was like a piece of Heaven came down. I miss all the hugs every morning I used to get before he would go to school. He was only 9 going on 10 staying with us with his older brother. He has been gone for 2 months now and I still miss him every day. I cry alot over his absence. Im the kind of guy who went into burning houses as a firefighter to save peoples lives or tell off a politician in a town hall board meeting. No body touched my heart like this boy did. I look at his school pictures and videos I took of him all the time every day. The good times on the jet ski's tubing. The good times snow boarding. The fun at the YMCA every Sunday. The miles of mountain bike trail rides. But evil does exist - all it does is kill, steal and destroy. The chain of events that lead to his being ripped from my arms made no sense and was totally evil. Bethany Christian Services is the worst-don't ever use them if you have them, change to a different agency. When he came he was suicidal. When he left he was different. The pictures and video show that was not the same boy who came here. If feels like there is no justice in this world - everyone just lies in those agencies who are involved. But he and his brother will be able to find me again easily. I hope they come back. When his brother turns 16 and can drive I really hope they drop by. I still have his bedroom with his name on the door and nothing has been moved around. I really miss my boy.

As any foster/adoptive parent can tell you, the largest hurdle is permanency. Is the child going home? Are the parents’ rights being terminated? When you are finally told the end is in sight and we really know what is going to happen, the world is set back on its axis. The whole time up to that point is hectic and crazy and you spend (okay maybe it’s just me) all your time wondering if they’re telling you everything, and over analyzing everything everyone says to you. So you would think the day that the termination was finalized, we would be relieved. However, for us that day came and went with little fanfare. We were embroiled in something bigger and it felt like the whole world was against us. Perhaps a little background would help. I will be adding new posts regarding the adventures we’ve gone through with this, and other placements, over the next few weeks, or months, but for now I will give you a little bit about our current situation. In July of 2015 we were placed with a 2 ½-year-old boy. We’ll call him Wheels because he never stops moving and he reminds me of that Hot Wheels commercial where the guy talks really fast, non-stop. That’s Wheels. He’s always on the go, and he never shuts up. His mother had quite the DHHS history, and had lost 4 children prior to Hot Wheels. Why they had permitted her to keep him as long as they did, I will never understand. When they brought him to the house, he was coming from an overnight stay in the hospital after ingesting morphine his mother had dropped on the floor. He was wearing a pair of blue shorts and an overlarge orange t-shirt and he was wearing a pair of plastic sandals. The only thing he had with him was two baby blankets and a battered stuffed Elmo. As I previously mentioned, Wheels was the youngest of 5 children, the previous 4 having been removed and placed in a variety of situations. The child closest to Wheels in age, had been removed by DHHS and had been adopted shortly after Wheels was born. Therefore, the two brothers had no idea the other existed. So when Wheels was brought into care, as is customary, the adoptive mother of the older brother was asked if she was willing to take Wheels too. She declined, unwilling to deal with the children’s’ unstable parents. She was also asked if she wanted to have sibling visits between the brothers. She stated that because her son didn’t even know Wheels existed, she saw no benefit to her child in having visits. Those bits are important to remember as we proceed, as the adoptive mother I just described, is the current issue in which we are now embroiled. A year after Wheels came into care, and when it had become very clear that reunification was not going to be possible, she popped back into the picture and decided she wanted to adopt him. So there you have it. Even when it’s over…it may not be over.

I have been following the laws surrounding original birth certificates. It makes me really happy that adoptees are learning their histories. I would love to have my original birth certificate. I can see both sides of the argument though. People assume if birth parents lose their anonymity then adoption rates will drop. They are probably right. As an adoptee, I think we have a right to know who and where we came from. I think we have a responsibility to respect our birth family's wishes if they don't want contact, but I think it's important to know our heritage and medical background. Being a birth mother must be incredibly difficult. I can't imagine what it would be like to build a life for yourself after placing a child for adoption only to have your past come back to haunt you. I look at my life with my birth mother in it, and I can't imagine my life without her in it. I wouldn't want to. People are protesting and writing to legislators trying to gain access to original birth certificates in their states. I support the cause, I do. I firmly believe we have a legal right to that document. I can't help but wonder though if any of it really matters. DNA testing is making huge strides in the search and reunion effort. I definitely feel like the people who are arguing to keep anonymity are fighting a losing battle. I wonder if they even realize that. The truth always comes out in the end. Not only were they never guaranteed secrecy, but eventually someone will use DNA to find them. We should be combating their need to stay hidden with DNA. Eventually all the states will be open, and I will just be glad that I was able to be a part of it. For my argument on adoptee rights: https://www.google.com/amp/adoption.com/never-stop-fighting-for-adoptee-rights/amp#ampshare=http://adoption.com/never-stop-fighting-for-adoptee-rights

What I am about to say does not mean that I don’t love adoption. I love it. I will always advocate for it. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that placing my baby for adoption was the right thing to do. Except when I don’t. Because there is so much pain in my heart that I have not allowed myself to process. I am an advocate for adoption, I shouldn’t be so messed up about it. People look up to me. I get messages from strangers all the time, thanking me for being so open about my story, telling me how it has helped them on their adoption journey. My work in adoption has been incredibly rewarding, and I love it so much. In some ways, I feel like a spokesperson for adoption. But right now I’m recognizing that I’ve been lying to myself. I hurt. Every day. There are moments, especially at family events or when it’s quiet in the evening that I can picture so perfectly what it would be like to be a parent. I want to watch my little girl play with her cousins, and hold her in my lap when she gets tired or scared. But I don’t even know what she did today. I don’t know what new words she’s learning, or her favorite things to do. I can’t explain how hard it is to have such an incredible bond with someone, but to be so far away. When I visit my birth daughter, I feel a connection. We love each other so, so much. And the cost of that bond and that love mean that every time I have to say goodbye my heart breaks all over again. Love shouldn’t hurt, I’ve always said that that quote was unhealthy… but this love hurts. Fierce love equals fierce pain and sacrifice sometimes. I feel so guilty for feeling this way. I shouldn’t regret it. She has the most amazing life with the most amazing family. She has a beautiful home and she’ll never want for anything. She is so much happier with them than she would be with me, all by ourselves in my crappy apartment. I can’t give her all the stimulation she needs to reach her full potential. It’s better this way, and I know that. But sometimes I just want to hold my baby. I want to be her mama. I wish I had been good enough to be her mom. I wish her birth father had been kind. I wish I hadn’t been so young and angry and confused. I wish I had the money to provide for her. I get tired of reminding myself that it wasn’t my fault, I had been through so much and I didn’t know how to say no. I didn’t know how to be a mom at that point. I keep trying to shut off the shoulda woulda couldas but sometimes I just have to feel them. I feel selfish. I should never even think about how much better it would have been for me emotionally to parent. I feel like I’m betraying her adoptive parents (whom I love) whenever I think of her as mine. It should always be about her, and if she’s happy I should be happy. If other people look up to me I should be happy. I am supposed to be birth mom strong. I am supposed to encourage and lift others. There is a difference between focusing on the positive and completely shutting out the negative. That’s what I’ve been doing. I went in to see my case worker the other day. I told her I was doing well, that I’d had a few bad days but that I understood why and that I handled them, so I was fine. I didn’t really need to be there talking to her, I didn’t need help. The only reason I came in is because my psychiatrist thought I had borderline personality, but another one thought I was bipolar. Neither of them felt quite right to me. She ever so gently suggested that maybe I was holding back some feelings. Maybe it’s neither of those. Maybe I just have trauma from the adoption and before that manifests itself regardless of whether I know that’s what it is. Maybe I’m not as ‘fine’ as I say I am. That gentle suggestion unleashed the dam of emotion that I had been keeping inside for the sake of being strong. I sobbed for the first time in a year about how much I hate being a birth mom some days. I just want to be a normal college student, or a normal mom, but instead I’m stuck in the middle and all kinds of heartbroken. It’s time for me to acknowledge my grief. Here is where normally I would put a positive spin on it, and say that it’s all worth it in the end because I did the right thing for her. But this time I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to talk about how I’ll ride it out and be okay and come out stronger. It’s true, but I need to accept that I’m going through something in order to even begin to make real progress. So I’m just going to say that this hurts.

I GOT A PHONE CALL FROM KAYLA TODAY, AT WORK. SHE MADE CONTACT WITH NICOLE. WE MEET AT JERRY'S PIZZA, AFTER WORK.05/09/2013 NICOLE AND DOE CAME TO MY HOUSE AND HAD A COOKOUT WITH ME AND LISA.05/10/13 I GOT THE TEST RESULTS BACK THIS MORNING. SHE IS MINE AND ALWAYS WILL BE.05/17/2013

Alcohol and drug addiction can become a major issue in life due to childhood trauma concerning abandonment. I never medaled with drugs or alcohol until I read my dhhr adoption file when I was around 40 years old and I literally went into a spiral down fall from there. The pain was and still is unbearable to the point I don't want to feel anymore.

Imagine for a moment that you are not allowed to know the name of your grandparents, your ethnicity, or stories of how your ancestors arrived in America. Pretend that you have a very distinguishable physical feature, but no idea where it came from. And every single time during your life that you go to a doctor's appointment, and they ask "Do you have any family history of (fill in the blank)?", your answer is an obligatory "I have absolutely no idea". For hundreds of thousands of people, this is a reality. Due simply to the circumstances of their birth, they are not allowed by law to know names of blood relatives, and in many cases, any pertinent medical information. For some, this poses only a slight inconvenience. But for many, many more, it feels as though their birth is considered shameful, and that they are being expected to "pretend" that they arrived in their adoptive families by an actual stork. January 1, 2016, the laws in Colorado---along with many other states---stated that all adoptees were not allowed to have access to their Original Birth Certificate (OBC). Colorado's laws were even more detailed, only allowing adoptees born during certain years to access their information. If you were born during the years 1949-1951 OR 1967-1999, you were completely out of luck. No real reasoning. Apparently only people that were born during those intervening years were better equipped to handle the truth. Fortunately some legislator recognized the utter nonsense of the law and it was finally amended to allow ALL Colorado adoptees to receive their OBC. On January 2nd, 2016, I mailed my notarized form and payment off, and waited anxiously for the information I had been searching for. And on January 30, 2016, I received a thick envelope that included a blurry copy of my OBC, and the name of the woman who I had once exchanged "anonymous" letters with. I cried for 30 minutes after staring at it. My birthmother's name is Mary. It's a very simple piece of information, but with that name, my entire world opened up more than I ever dreamed it would. I spent the next few weeks scouring the internet for pictures, names, and anything else I could find. I stayed up late at night filling out family trees. I learned information about my bloodlines that was previously a complete dead end to me. I didn't know it at that moment, but my family was getting ready to expand. http://simplysnarky.blogspot.com/2016/12/whats-your-name.html

So today was Squeak's needs assesment at my agency. Very loving folks look at Squeak every 3 months and assess her development. Ok...as an emotional artistic mommie...I think this assessment is less about Squeak and more about Mommie and the wonders she can do for a drug exposed baby. I must say, I never think of Squeak as drug exposed. I think of her as beautiful, I think of her as loving, fun, happy, strong minded, funny, cute, sweet, emotional and biracial and always as my daughter. But NEVER as drug exposed, which always slaps a label of "imperfect" and "needs improvement" on a kid. So ok....crack mom gives birth to a baby....a loving mom (no let me correct that, cause crack mom IS a loving mom, just in a different way) non drug addict mom raises baby. She slings, sings, walks, plays, dances, talks, reads etc...and kiddo becomes a normal everyday child....until someone wants to label her as a drug baby. So welcome to NEEDS ASSESMENT DAY. Armed and ready with their sterilized toys and years of pedigree learning under their belt the needs assesment team sits down to analyze my kid. Ok...I've got to interject here :-) I just love this kid...LOVE HER! So to do the needs assesment they turn the child away from their mom, to see what they will do without Mom's help. Well my kiddo is so funny, she kept turning around during the test, NOT TO LOOK AT ME :-) but to smile at the clipboard hugging crowd behind her that were doing the silent assesment. She would coo and giggle at them and make them laugh, frustrating the woman who (ok...this might get me in trouble....oh please don't get me in trouble....Looked like a 50 year old virgin :-I ) So I'm not so sure how well Squeak did on her test. She wouldn't roll over, even though SHE KNOWS ROLL OVER...oh my GOD....she knows roll over!!!!!! Trust.....She knows it. Poor little thing power rolled herself off the bed (don't panic, we sleep on a platform bed with on the floor....the fall is less than a foot) it scared her more than anything. But kiddo knows roll over. Only she just smiled and DID look at me this time....and WOULD NOT ROLL OVER! Assessor askes me..."Does she really roll over??????? Yeeeesh YES!!!!! Ok, so they make her pick up a pea....I think she passed that part, after some proding. They make her pick up a cup and I think they want her to pick up the red thing under it. She picks up the cup and tosses the red thing on the floor. Then the grumbles start...What????? Aren't 6 month olds supposed to toss things on the floor???? And then they talk for about 5 minutes about the color of the red cube she tossed on the floor and why is it red, apparently saturation vs. wavelength is more interesting for children. Ok....NOT SQUEAK!!!! It's a boring freaking red cube, it doesn't sing talk or interact....where does it belong???? On the floor....good Squeak. She then looks to the crowd for applause she even starts to squeal...in true Squeak fashion, which makes them stop talking and talk to her....um....mission accomplished in my book....Squeak just wants you to pay attention to her....F*ck the red cube...she got you to stop talking and talk to her....bravo kiddo. And mommie did not even say one word to help her. She did it all alone. One of my favorite parts of the assesment was when we were discussing ROLL OVER, ok....at the dr.'s appointment, she was supposed to sit up without assistance, she lumped over and fell....um, not what I was hoping for, so we have been practicing SIT UP. So as they were telling me how important it was for her to roll over (WHICH SHE DOES...F'edy F...F...F!) (PS) I swear I don't swear in front of my kid....I'm a writer...a REAL writer for hollywood...and I LOVE swear words...but I don't say them in front of my kiddo. And if she wants to swear....I will let her do it in the bathroom, where swear words belong...I won't tell her that they also belong in million dollor movies....till later :-) So as they are telling me how deficiant my kiddo's roll over skills are GRRRR, she is sitting perfectly still BY HERSELF.....UPRIGHT listening....ok folks.....she has just mastered SIT UP in front of your eyes....anyone want to acknowledge??????? So then comes the lecture....let me tell you how fun this is....WEIGHT...ok. Back story. Squeak was super skrawny when I brought her home from the hospital. And apart from big cheecks, she has been pretty little ALWAYS...but this last week, she sort of ballooned up. I have started feeding her solids, which I think is part of it, BUT she is also REALLY HUNGRY. This happened once before when she was two months. She puffed up a bit then grew TWO INCHES...that's huge. So I feel (mother's intuition) that she is A) about to crawl and B) about to grow. But right now she is in the 25th percentile for height and the 75th percentile for weight....same as she was when she was two months and grew two inches and looked like a little twig when she was done. But some article just came out about obese children and how they will become obese adults....ok...PLEASE PEOPLE....lay off!!!!!! Kiddo has been skinny for the last 5 months, last week she packs on a few pounds....BUT SHE IS NOT OBEESE, she is 6 months and 16 pounds...yes heavier than 15 pounds, which is the norm, but by ONE POUND and her bmom was 6 foot....God knows how big bf was...really....give the kid a break. When she fusses I try everything before I give her a bottle and when I finally give her a bottle she is ravenous....like I never feed her...kiddo is HUNGRY....why???? Kiddo is growing.....hello!!!!! So I sit and listen to a lecture about obeese kids. Ok...first of all, my whole family has been obese, my sister had gastric bypass, my mom lost 60 pounds and has 40 more to go, I'm normal size but I WAS bulimic for 17 years...ok...last thing I want to do to this kid is pass on our eating problems. I feed her orgainic healthy food, I feed her formula only when she wants it....and REALLY....she is about to grow again!!!! SO WHY LECTURE ME????WHY???? She is not big. In fact one of the clipboard huggers finally said....she's not that big...in fact she's quite balanced looking and very pretty! Thank you lady....let's move on. TO???? Head circumference...."well her head looks big"....could be water on the brain...blood on the brain....etc...F#CK I just dealt with this with our doctor....Ok....I hand in all of her med records and they make copies.....she looks "Ok to me" they say but check with your doctor next week. They hand me back these IMPORTANT papers...with all her med info and some other REALLY important stuff....ok, before I left my sw puts them in my folder. Kiddo is now OVER IT!!!!! It is past nap time, she has been poked and prodded enough and she wants to go home. Instead of wear her in her sling which this week she has grown out of GRRRR, I carry her in my arms....I want to hold her to my skin, I think she feels more secure that way...anyway, it makes it hard to carry anything else..so I get back the folder with MY STUFF...thinking, I should NEVER have all my adoption stuff in one folder. But I take it, hold my now crying Squeak...and lug my diaper bag to the car. I put the folder on top of my car....wrangle my crying kid into her carseat, put diaper bag into the car...locate my keys...which somehow is the most difficult part of the exit process and drive off....WITH THE FOLDER ON MY CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!! I realize later that my folder is still on my car....I pull off and stop and find it splayed out over my roof...but remarkably still there. I continue to drive thinking THANK GOD....I didn't want to drive back to pick up all the VERY IMPROTANT PAPERS on the ground...like Squeak's ONLY COPY of her HOSPITAL RECORDS...or so I thought. Anyway I get home and check the folder....important papers....life saving...head circumfrence showing....IMPORTANT PAPERS....GONE!!!!!! So I turn around and drive back and for two hours look for the papers that are missing. I finally give up at dark and drive home. I called my social worker and find out that they have copies of all the papers THANK GOD!!!!! But the originals are gone and after the "fat kid" lecture....by the way my kid is NOT FAT...I felt like a total failure as a parent. I cried all the way home....thank you hormones...as I also have my period.....lovingly named HERMON. So I get home and finally get Squeak to bed...but I can't stop crying...I put her to bed crying...which I never have done....I never cry in front of her...cause I know she feels it...but I was at my wits end. I sang to her crying...I rubbed her head crying...GOD I COULD NOT STOP CRYING...I'm acutally crying now....But at a point when I was about to sing the last song...here is what my fat (she's not fat) drug exposed (she's not affected by it) Big headed (her head is fine) little kid did..... She reached out and and grabbed my hand and looked directly into my eyes and smiled....one of her big...whole face....smiles. I asked her in my weakened mommie state....WILL WE BE OK???? And I swear....I am always honest....and I swear in my heart of hearts....she said "uhum!" and nodded "Yes!" She would not let go of my finger. She actually fell asleep holding it. Here is the world telling me all the things that should be wrong with her...and when I needed someone to help me to comfort me and give me strength to face what she faces...it was her...she was the one to give me the strength to carry on. And I realized tonight we are a team....HMG is out with his parents camping and is not here with us tonight...my sister has been an amazing support in his absence, but at the end of the day only Squeak and I are immediate family now...and she rescued me. I won't expect her to do that in the future...I'm her mom, that's my job....but I thank her for tonight...cause there might be days when all of it is too much and we will need to face life together. But babydoll when you read this years from now... thank you for tonight...thank you for keeping me together... I owe you ...little one :-) PS...:-) HMG's first girl friend is a modeling agent....we ran into her...randomly this week, she met Squeak for the first time and started to cry...said she was one of the most beautiful children she has ever seen....and in a year or so would like to send her out as a model. I will probably do it to raise money for college, but as soon as she knows she's a model, I will probably ask her to stop...just like my mom did for me when I was little and was a child model...if Squeak wants to pursue it later as I did....I will support her 100% as my mom did. Good night.

First Forever Family......OMG.....this is so happening (what I am about to write) to you right now. And everyone else who left sweet comments on my post...(Ahimsa and Tudu "HI" :-) Aria is doing great. She has met with her therapists and her seizure just regressed her one kinda wacky leg a little bit that is all. The reason she gets SO MUCH THERAPY and I mean SO MUCH THERAPY is she has one leg that is not developing (motor skill wise) as fast as the other. She doesn't use it as much and kinda drags it around sometimes. So the dragging was almost gone....and well...."Igore" leg is back. So I'm glad we have therapists. Also she has been referred to a neurologist...so we'll see. I kinda have to use the social worker's recommended neurologist because they are trying in the 11th hour to get her certified as a medical special needs kid, before our adoption. I really don't care about any more stuff (money etc.) ...she gets so much as it is...but I don't want her to go through another seizure if it is possible. Thank you everyone who has shared their seizure stories :-) That helps a lot and I will say it again I KNOW THAT SHE WILL BE OK.... :-) in fact more than OK.....amazing! So....ONE YEAR AGO TODAY...I was one of 15 families waiting to be called for a newborn.....one year ago today, I got a call at 10:15am telling me I was the one chosen. One year ago today I quit my job at the Tea House. One year ago today I was told that "she" was in the second crib on the left and walked with fear wondering if she might by some horrible joke of the universe be Rosemary's Baby....when I rounded the crib the most beautiful child I had ever seen slept peacefully in it. I started to cry and so did my sis as we both said at the same time. "she is beautiful." One year ago today, I put on my first diaper and held her in my arms for 3 hours waiting for a social worker to show up at the hospital. One year ago today she cried like she was in terrible pain the whole car ride home and I pulled over 7 times to check her and barely beat the social worker to my house so that she could look under my bed and through my closets to make sure I wasn't a serial killer. One year ago today my sister spent $300 and bought Target out of baby items. She said she was like a maniac plucking everything pink they had from the shelves. One year ago today I openened two huge bags of stuff to care for my daughter that I had 2 hours notice to get ready for. One year ago today I held my tiny child in my arms, too scared to sleep in her crib and me too scared to let her go, she laid in my arms all night and we slept together in bed that way....and we still do today. One year ago today...I stopped sleeping like a normal person....one year ago today my heart grew twenty times it's normal size...one year ago today heaven opened up and I could see angels in my daughters eyes...one year ago today my life began again....fresh and new and full of hope and dreams I never thought I would be allowed to dream....One year ago today.....was the first of many of the best days of my life!!!!!! Dearest little one who sleeps so soundly now...you do not know yet, but you will....what one year ago today....means to me. For I will tell you this story every year of your life. (till you absolutely can't stand me any more and I have to pay for your therapy) but I don't care.....telling you over and over again what one year ago today means to me is worth it. If I haven't said it before.......THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you ever so much for that day....one year ago....today!

We are back from the wedding extravaganza....wow I have never partied for one wedding so much. Aria started walking as a means of transportation and HAD A BLAST....that child loves the water, loves the ocean, loves people and LOVES to PARTY.....whooo ya! My sister looked beautiful and I am so happy for her, she finally has found the man of her dreams. As for us well the big news is ARIA'S ADOPTION WILL BE FINALIZED NEXT WEEK.......HOLLA!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's it folks we are almost done :-) I can not tell you how excited I am not to have social workers, DCFS, and all banging on my door unnounced anymore, I can finally go to the doctor without sending out an all points bulleton and SHE IS GONNA FINALLY BE MINE!!!! I just stare at my little sweetie and this rush of joy fills me....we are almost done :-) Now having said that....we are starting the adoption journey again early next year for her sister, so this will be a short feeling of glorious freedom before we dive in again, but I am going to enjoy it for sure. Also on the good news front, I do not have to go to the Czech Rebulic for work, while some may think that is bad news, for me it is terrific news, cause I was gonna have to leave Aria home and now I don't have to leave her. On the not so great news front, my mother is not doing well....I won't go into details....but she's just not well...in all areas of her life...I don't know how to help anymore, it has been a rough journey for us. My sister is going to be taking her from here on out and we hope that might help. I just can't manage a demanding career, a one year old and a bi-polar, chronically depressed mother with a death wish and many many physical ailments....my life has just been sucked dry and I feel like a worn out piece of leather. :-( Really.....I have lost a lot of my joy right now (even thought I ADORE MY CHILD) I think I have been beat down....and I need to recover. I want to be stronger than this....but sometimes the power of mental illness wins :-( I just thank God that I have learned so much in life and I PRAY that I can raise Aria and her little sister with all the good my mother taught me and avoid all the pain and suffering she can also bring. I never want to live life seeing it the way she does....I never want to see the ugliness in everything...I don't want to view the world the way she does....I want a beautiful life....but I feel powerless to find that when I am constantly managing a hurt and broken soul. I guess this is how adoptive parents of older children may feel. My heart goes out to them. Even though she is my mother.....at this moment she is also my child....and I am looking forward to my sister taking over. I think she is better equipt to handle this and she has her husband....so there is two people taking care of one person, versus with me it is one person taking care of two. Anyway....I am so thrilled that my little angel will soon be adopted....and I am so blessed to be HER MOTHER....and I have to give myself a break for not being perfect and not being able to work at home, raise a one year old and a bipolar suicidal mother...and wake up feeling like Snow White all the time....I just have too!!!! So as always I will end this with affirmations....I will continue to work as a successful writer....money will continue to flow in by the boat loads, mom will find a healthy happy existance, I will be able to raise two kids, Aria will continue to be the light blessing and dear sweet child she is today. On a funny note....Aria has become quite the performer and now dances for any who will watch her, she also waves to everyone when walking in a crowd.... :-) Such a ham. Forever Family....sounds wonderful....keep having fun with your awesome family and keep us updated. I will post Aria pictures soon and may move this site to a blogspot....just to let you know. I think it might be better to change to blogher or another place where I can write.....I am feeling like I have out grown this space and am ready to move on. You will still have the link, but then I can add pictures and what not and well...I don't know...change is good. I'll let you all know.

Well. Here we are in our new home I finally have a livingroom thanks to my painting party and beautiful friends. It looks like a picture out of a magazine...lets hope I can keep it that way. Boy it is so beautiful and quiet here, no helicopters, no sirens, the occasional dog barking, but no elevator sounds, no drunken folks running up and down the halls, only the sounds of silence. I never thought I would like that but I do. :-) So life goes on. I am up for another writing assignment with a famous producer. Which is really cool. I hope I get it. My big project is still being negotiated.....YUCK BLAH BLAH....I'll be a hundred before this launches....no.... kidding....I'll be 38 and 9months :-) Come on Universe...you can do it, I know you can :-) HMG, Aria and I are going on a romantic weekend away together. JuJu is going to stay with my sis and shop, get her nails done etc....I have been pushing us all really hard, just to get our house in order and continue to write etc....so I hope she has fun. I KNOW I WILL!!!!! It will be fun to hang with my guy and have to one on one time. I am really looking forward to that. I want JuJu to go on a trip with our little family and have fun too....but this weekend is for me and my guy. We need the time together....I miss him so much. I just need his big long arms right now....it will be great. And finally, learning disabilites...NOT!!!! So I like sharing this journey with you, cause I hope it helps educate...I know it is nice to talk about these things and get them off my chest. When I opted for foster/adoption I knew that a drug exposed kid would have difficulties and I was prepared for them and ready to face the head on!!!! What came into my life, was the MOST BEAUTIFUL amazing, loving, smart, compassionate, funny, incredible person I have ever met, my angel daughter Aria. She has taught me so much about the world and so much about love. This little being has brought light to so many of us. Wherever we go people stop to talk to her, touch her and now she has started giggling with them and making them smile wider. I swear my kid is the embodiment of love and as she grows and gets more confident she is beaming more radiantly than ever. It is obvious, but I want to reiterate, I LOVE THIS KID!!!!! I just adore her, we all do. And she is almost crawling. Every morning we wake up and I tell her. Today is the day....today we're gonna crawl and she gives it her best....well dang if today in the last 10 minutes before bed she did it....my angel baby did it. She moved her feet frantically and finally she got traction and we were off. She peetered out after a few steps but she did it. After nights of waking up crawling in her sleep she has mastered the first stages of CRAWL!!!! Rock on little Rockstar you are on your way. So imagine my befuddled face when the therapist says she is going to have a learning disability. My first thought is um....ok....leave!!! Second thought is....listen to the woman, for now. Why I ask do you think that my amazing little rockstar kid is gonna have a learning disability. "Well, she doesn't do what I show her to do." I laugh....oh no she doesn't. My kid will do NOTHING!!!! you make her do, she will only do it if she thinks its something that she wants to do....I must say this foresees a future of stratigic negotiations on my horizon....but I am prepared. No you can not force her to sign "more" at 8 months HELLO???? Do all 8 month olds sign "more"???? I know some do....but do all sign "more" to a point that you wanna slap a "learning disabled" label on my kid??? However, if you sign more to my kid....she opens her mouth and/or nods "yes"!!!!!! DOESN'T THAT MEAN SHE COMPREHENDS AND IS NOT A TRAINED MONKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She will sign "more" when she is gosh darned ready ok???? Ok. Also she won't put stuff in the shape sorter, or on the dumb stick thing. She just puts the things in her mouth and looks out blankly. Ok she is 8 months and we still don't have a tooth yet she's teething and the blank stare....well...ok, I'll give you that, I've seen that stare, she is overwhelmed and tuning out. Why??? Why is she overwhelmed and tuning out....well sweet nice therapist chick, you are bombarding her with tests. You are not taking time to get to know her or talk to her....you are just testing and proding and nudging her to perform after a lot of that she tunes you out....why??? You're not talking to her...your talking to a subject....a thing....a result....but Aria is a little person and she is sensitive and she knows you want results from her, but are not willing to put in the time to get to know her....so she's tuning you out. How do I know this??? Cause I do know her. I know that you can show her stuff over and over and she will just watch and hold your hand, then when she is in her crib or alone, she will practice till she gets it right, when she feels she has mastered it she will show you what she can do. For example raspberries. She didn't blow raspberries, but Auntie Bana did them on her neck everyday, she would just stare out as she blew little raspberries on her neck. One day I hear her practicing in her crib and the next day she can't stop blowing raspberries....and still blows them incessently. The therapist tried a new sound with her ONCE!!!!!! Aria listened, at this point her therapist informs me she believes that Aria will be learning "delayed" whatever!!!! Well today.....two days after our session, she is making the sound. I was a GATE student....or a MGM kid...gifted whatever...I was diagnosed with dislexia and I have NEVER been able to spell, I still can't. I think it's cute that this journal doesn't have spell check, cause my stuff is full of errors, but I am a hollywood screenwriter and I'm a work at home mom, and I'm gonna be famous, however for a while I was in remedial everything, cause they thought I was learning delayed. It was not until one of my short stories was PUBLISHED at the age of 9 did I start in the gifted program. Why was I so misdiagnosed. I HATED SCHOOL. Why??? They didn't see me for me, they saw me as a number, a thing, a threat to their ability to teach the same ol thing to the same ol kids and I hated knowing that they didn't know, nor care about me. It wasn't until my 4th grade teacher read a short story I did for class and called my mom in one day saying it was one of the most mature and literary works she has ever read a child of my age produce. She asked permission to submitted my work for publishing and a year later it was published and she lobbied for me to be retested under the Gifted and TALENTED child program. I remained in remedial math, but was advanced to the MGM program for all other classes. I know I sound like a ranting mom and I am. But Aria is like me. If you cry she reaches out and touches you. If you laugh she giggles along, if you tell her what to do she rebels against it. If you tell her "I believe in you" she will do it. If you laugh with her and celebrate her. she learns, if you treat her like a drug exposed child of a homeless drug addict....she'll shut down. She is her mother's daughter, my daughter...like me...in fact she is both her first mother and her adoptive mother's daughter we both acted against the system. With those odds....you think she's gonna do what you tell her to do??? NO WAY. Fine if she ends up learning disabled....fine. What does that mean??? We find the best way for HER TO LEARN...we don't label her, stifle her and hold her back, we celebrate her way of learning and we tell cookie cutter teachers and teaching methods to take a hike. And if a 8 month old is really supposed to say mommie, put a star in the star hole of a shape sorter and sign more in the span of 7 minutes....then I'll admit I'm wrong....but if it looks suspiciously like a list of things to accomplish by 8 months and we are trying to tick them off as fast as possible....I'd hold off on the learning disabled diagnosis till a little later...shall we. And if she is learning disabled....well D@mn if I ain't the mom for her....cause she's not to me...and never will be. And folks I am not being deluded. If I had a downsyndrome kid I would say the same thing. My children will become the best that they can. And I will encourage them with love. Aria DOES NOT HAVE A LEARNING DISABILITY. But should she develop one we will deal with it. All I want for my children is they be as happy as they can be...that's all I want. And happiness means loving them and encouraging them to feel great about themselves. "Learning disabled" does not make me feel great and I don't think it will make Aria feel great. A different, unique, personal way of learning does and that's what I'll tell her if I have to one day. But a mother knows....a mother loves....and this kiddo is gonna test your ablility to teach an extrodinary person ordinary things....good luck world...here she comes :-) By the way baby. I'm here, I'm with you....FOREVER!!!! Always and I couldn't love you more!

I am truly unsure if I should start my search at this point in time...Since my adoptive mother has always said she doesn't think my biological mother was a good person, was insane, was mean, evil etc. I don't know if I can legitimately expect any info from her that isn't 100% BS!!! I want to meet my birth mother and tell her thank you for giving me life, I want to meet my birth father for the same reason! I want to meet any and all siblings because they are my family! I'm not trying to replace the family I have, just add to it! I can understand that my amom is scared I will get hurt again by my bf but in all honesty I have no expectations on that front! If they want to meet and exchange medical info and thats it, then I am ok with that. If they don't want to meet but exchange info and medical files then ok. If they want no contact thats fine too. As long as I know that they know I'm alive and doing fine. I realized over the last few years that I need this closure, but moreso since the birth of my daughter in December. I realize that it would kill me to lose her but if it was in her best interest I would do it knowing she was being well cared for. I want to thank my birthmother for sacrificing her happiness for mine! Does anyone else feel this way? Am I crazy? I want to talk to other adoptees and bparents to see if I am way off base or not. I want to talk to people about my feelings knowing that they understand them and have experienced them too! No one else I know has dealt with adoption so none of them have a clue what I'm going through or have been through with this....Hopefully in this community of support and kindness I will find all my answers and meet some great friends at the same time!

This is a journal about our foster/adopt experience. I don't want a lot of negative energy directed towards this aspect of Eli's adoption. So......hesitant to write about it. I got a call from Eli's GAL. I was told that #1 notice father did file paternity #2 if he is found to be the father he does have legal rights to Eli because CPS did not do their jobs properly. there was talk about possible services being put in place and visitaiton. So folks for those of you left reading. I do not feel this is n any way in Eli's best interest. I know enough about the notice father to make me cringe. That Eli is 100% attached to us, specifically me. And how hard he had to work to trust again that his "mom" would not disappear. My God, my little boy has been through 2 moves, he cannot handle a 3rd. Specifically when he was known to have attachment issues. Not to mention the issues he faces because he was drug exposed. The fact that this father knew about Eli and did not attempt to find him for the last 20 odd months is enough for me to feel this man is not in his best interests. For you my beautiful baby boy I pray that you never have to say "goodbye" that you know ALWAYS that you belong in a forever family, that your adoption proceeds smoothly, that the best thing for you, for your heart, for your mind, for your soul, for your strong and resilient spirit will occur quickly. I love you more then words can express. After I got off of the phone with the GAL I cried. It was a cry of defeat. I asked myself if I had to do it all over again would I do anything differently. To adopt Eli I would ride this roller coaster 100 times. It would all be worth it. To have known and loved him and cared for him for this time is enough. He has been a gift. L