[img]https://adoption.com/community/PF.Base/file/attachment/2017/02/a6be241a1245812cc5ae144ba890b6b1_view.jpg[/img] I told myself I wasn't going to reach out to them. As I looked at their names, I reminded myself that the whole point of getting my original birth certificate was to learn my identity and do some genealogy. Now that I had names, I could figure out my ethnicity and have a lot of questions answered. It didn't make sense to reach out to these people who---most likely---wouldn't want a relationship with me. But something Mary----my birthmother---had said in a letter to me all those years ago, kept echoing in my head: "My middle son is very excited to meet you someday". She explained that she didn't have much contact with her other two children, but that this particular son knew about me and apparently was at least somewhat pleased about my existence. It took me about 2 weeks of thinking it through, and wondering if I could cope emotionally with being told again that I was not welcome in someone's life. When I finally decided to take my chances, I sat down and wrote a letter to my brother---Don. I must have written about 7 different drafts, showing each one to my ever supportive husband, who finally deemed the last one "not overly emotional or rambling". With the support of a dear girlfriend who had been cheering me on through this journey, I finally worked up the courage to put the letter in the outgoing mail, and prepared myself for a less than positive response. It was almost a week later, while I was I on vacation with friends, that I received one of the best emails I've ever read: "I'm so happy you found us...we have so much catching up to do.....can I call you?" Within days, I had spoken with both of my brothers, Don and Ron, on the phone, and had exchanged emails with big sister Ava. I don't mind telling you that I was thrilled to learn all three have a wonderful sense of humor, and of course, most amazing of all.....they have welcomed me with open arms. It's as if my appearance has been completely natural to them. I honestly have been so touched by their kindness that it has more than made up for the sadness I felt so many years ago when 'our' mother chose to stop contact with me. The outcome has been better than I could have ever hoped for. Mary is not yet aware that we are in touch with each other......Because her contact with her kids is infrequent, I am leaving it up to their discretion if or when they want to share that information with her. In the meantime, I have spent the past few months feeling more "whole" in my heart than I ever have in my life. Pieces that were missing are finally being put in place. And as wonderful as its been, something else amazing is about to happen...... I'm meeting Ava face to face this weekend. http://simplysnarky.blogspot.com/2016/12/i-told-myself-i-wasnt-going-to-out-to.html

....It was sort of a shock to realize that on my oldest son's last birthday I became a person who has been a mother for more then half my life! WOW it meant a whole lot more considering the fact I am still changing diapers! When I started to really think about it long and hard I came to understand so much about who I am and what I want from the days I have left in this life. I remember knowing that my only real dream in life was to be a mother and that if I never accomplish much of anything else -- that will be enough for me. What is being a mother all about to me? I guess it is all about being the CEO of the future generation... I have never seen it as a job of doing dishes, changing diapers or showing up at the school talent show on time... I have seen my job as a mom not as raising children--but as raising Adults. After all if I am lucky enough to live a long life I should be the mother of ADULTS for much longer then the years it took to raise them.... I have learned with the older children that those things I thought were so important as a mom ended up being the least important to my children. They do not remember that Christmas when I had the choice of paying the gas bill or buying them all the presents that they wanted. They remember the homemade Orange Rolls that we had on Christmas morning much more then the gifts that were under the tree. Those homemade rolls I made one year when they were so very little because I found we had all the ingrediants and I could make something to feed my children....those rolls that I thought were just making do in a bad situation have been one of the most important traditions of my kids lives and we have not had a single Christmas without them since. I have learned that as important as I felt it was to find a way to pay for Ballet and TakWonDo classes my adult children do not even remember them... and what they remember is the fun we had after school with crayons and paper shopping bags. I have learned that all those PTA meetings I attended never meant a thing to my children but that one night I had to work instead of seeing the Marching Band's competition meant a whole lot more then anything else did. I have learned to set my priorities by looking through the eyes of the children.... Those expensive dance classes are no longer important this second time around for me... I have had a lucky break in my life because I am actually a mother who has been given two chances to do it right. First with my biological children and now with my two adopted siblings... The span of time between these chances and the input from my older kids have given me both confidence and regret. The confidence to make some adjustments to the ways I messed up before and the regret because I did mess up. The interesting part is that I expect that I will hear new ways I blew it down the line...I think this is a part of being a mom. My life is happy and I feel very blessed in that I have had the chance to be a mom four times in my life......

My husband's brother and sister, ages 12 and 13 are currently living with us. They found drugs in their father's house and their mother and her boyfriend are alcoholics and it's just not a happy household. The children are wanting to live with us permanently. Are they of age to choose where they live? Can we go about adopting them or achieving custody without a huge ugly custody battle (the mother wants them back at the end of the school year.) Please help!!!

i have yet not come to terms that my baby is being raised by someone else. I thought i did but i was proved wrong by my mother. She told me that i know that i did the right thing but that i have yet not come to terms with it. That i still have not closed that chapter in my life. That i am holding on to the memories of what if. When i know that the what if would of never been possible. So i am finding myself asking myself how do i come to term with this and learn to accept this? If anyone that reads this entry has advice i would really appreciate recieving it because i am going crazy insane. You know her adopted parents email me and send pics via email and i get happy when i see that it is them but about an hour after i just go into utter depression. Is the emails healthy for me? i could not bare to look at the last pics that they sent me via email. i closed it out and ran to my room and cryed. I saw that the pics had the blanket that i made her during my pregnancy and all i could do was run away and cry. It hurts me so much. I love her to much. And i just cant let go.

I SHOULD BUY A NICE CARD AND TELL HER I LOVE HER, I'LL WAIT AND SEE IF SHE WRITES BACK. SO, THAT'S MY NEXT STEP. LOVE TO ALL, NANA JANE

JUST TO TELL HER I LOVE HER, HER MOM, DAD & ABROTHER! I DIDN'T MEET THE FAMILY BUT ANNIE & I WOULD CHIT- CHAT FOR HRS.SO,ANNIE IS SO GOOD, TELLING ME ABOUT THE WHOLE FAMILY AMOM-POLISH PETEMY HUBBIE POLISH A DAD IRISH ,ME IRISH DUTCH MAYBE FRENCH MAYBE, MAYBE MAYBE.MY HEART IS SO SAD FOR ANNIE,THAT WAS THE MOM JOYCE PICKED. KEEP POSITIVE THAT GOD WILL CALL ANNIE BACK TO CHURCH.ANNIE IS DIFFERENT ABOUT THAT.TIME WILL TELL. LOVE, NANA JANE

to spend on the tellie, all hell breaks loose, death in the family. pete's aunt kay passed, promised to visit but didn't make it, sure she understands with trouble in family.luke quit his job, pete's having shit fits & i just pray his other jobs go right. grace needs her ck each wk.i have been supporting grace, candi & luke. let me tell you single moms & dads is the pits. i know am a softy but ss doesn't go far for grace candi & luke.i have to hang in there & keep my thoughts positive. coffee& cigs for mor.

I wish I had started a journel when i reunited with my birthdaughter. I also wish I had kept a journel when i was placing my daughter for adoption. I do remember finding an old date book with names of the girls I roomed with at the Florence Crittenton Home, In knoxville, TN. I believe my mom tossed it away after she knew I found it. Yeah, lets start on mom. She was the lady who wouldnt let me bring my baby home. "Your making a mature decision, youre doing the right thing". She didnt tell me I would suffer for 14 yrs. Cry at night wondering if my daughter was okay. My biggest fear would be that I would find she had been abused or had a rough life. But she didnt! She has two wonderfull parents. I would tell myself that they were good parents and loved and cared for her. It was a comfort for all those years. but in the back of my mind i still worried. It was a relief to know they are great people and my Daughter is happy. back to mom... I dont talk to her much now. she is what I call a toxic person. one that makes me feel sick or damaged. most people think she is a wonderful person, but they arent the ones that have felt her stabs. I was a middle child. maybe thats my problem..lol.. but i was the only girl. my older brother did no wrong in moms eyes but he was evil. she wore blinders when it came to him. i have a younger brother. whom I love dearly. he was my babydoll when I was 10. I felt I had abandoned him when I moved away from home at age 18. WE are just now becoming close again after years of not seeing each other. He was in college and had a busy life. I love him very much~ My other family members are not close to me, I guess I was too much of a headcase to deal with. I was a wild child to them,. Man I look mild compared to kids today. I have two daughters from my husband. My oldest was 12 and youngest was 5 when they got to meet their oldest half sister in 1999. Now i dont like calling her a half. she is whole... maybe not my husbands child but she is a whole sister to these girls. The birthfather is not in the picture. he denied being the father etc.. ran off to another state etc.. he is a jerk. does now live in same area as i now.. I see him every now and then but I dont talk to him.. i usually go the other direction if I see him. im glad BDaughter dont have any need to find or meet him. I did give her his name incase she does. I thnk she would be disappointed if she met him. He is an alcoholic. Ah my view on the agency that did the adoption... A bunch of BS. They got half their story straight but left out info I needed. Like i had other choices, i asked for 1 yr of pics when the Aparents never knew of. I got pics for 3 months but they were from the foster parents which I never knew of.. I thought she was directly placed. I found i had 3 months to change my mind. I guess mom told them not to tell me.. so I would think she was already in her new home.. i told mom I regreted what I did. and she said you cant take her away from her new parents. If Id known she was in foster care you bet your ass i would have requested her back. i thought she was with her new parents and didnt want to hurt them. But you know , its best that she was raised by them, she didnt need to be around my mom. she had a better life then what she would have had being raised by my mom. nope Ive still not forgiven my mother., theres lots more pain then just the adoption issue. I think I'll clean house now.. write more later.

Last night was a very hard night. I have been a bit emotionally lately. especially in the last week. One would think it was because Diane is here and she and my mom met. That is some of it but I think it has been compounded by the news I had to tell my husband. Last week I was called into my daughter's church after youth group. I thought we were going to dicuss her upcoming baptism. Instead her youth pastor and wife told me that Tarryn needed to talk to me and they were there for support. That is when Tarryn told me that months ago, the boy she had been dating had date raped her. Everything else fell into place. Her grades, her depression, her sleep habits. It only happened once, early in their relationship. That is how I know he knew what had happened was wrong. He never tried it again. I had a lot of misconceptions of date rape and went to a website that explained, if she said no, it was no. Yes, she had herself in a bad situation. He told us his mother was home. She was not. They had another kid with them, he left. I thought she got in over her head. When I read up on date rape, when people manipulate you, manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do, when you have said no. It is rape. I took her to the doctor because I wanted to get counseling for her and with insurance we have to go through referal. Well, by law it must be reported to CPS. I tried to explain that this happened months ago, this kid is out of our lives and all I want is for my daughter to get the help she needs. Doesn't matter, she's a minor, and it's a crime. I did not want to tell Frank, why? Because he has a terrible temper. I KNEW and I mean I KNEW he would kill him. So I was carrying around this huge secret. I wanted to help my daughter, having her father explode and be insane would not help her. Well, if we are going to have CPS knocking on our door, I figured I had better tell him. Well, Frank is more and more like my dad every day. Explodes over the little things and is a rock with the big stuff. We will make it through. This has changed my view on what I previously thought about date rape. Not that I didn't think it ever happened. I knew it, but I think a lot of people from my generation or older think that in some way you were responsible. You didn't fight it off, you put yourself in a bad situation, what have you. As I explained to Tarryn, she did place herself in a bad situation, that didn't mean she was responsible for his bad behaviour and his abuse of her trust. I then expalined to her, yes, she put herself at risk by not leaving when she realized that his parents weren't there, that didn't mean she was responsible. That is why we try to avoid bad situations. Bad things are more likely to happen. Like walking alone at night. It isn't a wise decission because bad things can happen, but that doesn't make it your fault. If you were driving in a bad part of town, say you got lost and someone jumped out and stole your car and robbed you, that wasn't your fault. Wasn't the wisest thing, by being in the bad place it makes you more suspectible for bad things to happen, but it isn't your fault. So here we go. The doctor just called and said they have reported to CPS. I should be getting a call. They reassure us that they just want to make sure she gets help and counseling. Tarryn is very fragile. WIth the death of her uncle, she is brought back to the death of her father. I wish I could protect them from all the pain in the world; all the bad. I see myself so much in Tarryn and want to know how to help. I don't want her to drown like I did. I want her to avoid all of this, to know the lessons of life without having to learn them for herself. She is my baby. So how does all of this relate to my story of finding my birthmother? Diane got pregnant the first time she had sex. She was 15 and he was 19 or 20. She says that she wasn't raped, but got herself in a bad situation and couldn't handle it. With everything Tarryn is going through, I think Diane was date raped, too. She was still a child, he was an adult. Pressure and making someone feel like, If you loved me, prove yourself, blah, blah blah...like I said since reading up on this, I can't help but think this is what happened. I may be wrong, but I believe in all my heart she was put in a situation and was in over her head. This is date rape. And YOU end up feeling like it was your fault somehow. You should have fought, left, whatever. And since it wasn't done with the violence and anger that rape is committed, you feel like you have to take some responsiblity, some way. This isn't what you grew up thinking rape was. That is someone held at knife or gun point. But it is. I hate what happened to my daughter and I hate what happened to Diane. There is a lot that Diane and Tarryn have in common. Tarryn will never let you see her cry. She was 15 when this happened. Tarryn has one of the biggest hearts you will ever see. And somewhere inside something is missing that she felt this was her fault and she stayed with the idiot, fearful that no one would want to love her. I don't know if that is how Diane felt, but there are a lot of similarities. You will never meet a better child than Tarryn. You will never meet a better person than Diane. Carolyn

I haven't heard from Diane since sharing. I know she is busy. I know she cares. I also know that she holds things in. I just want her to know, everything is okay. That is a testimony to how things were handled. Athough people may have handled it different in this day and age, they had to have done okay, because I am okay. I also didn't share everything with my parents. I don't think they knew the full story behind everything. Anyway, I hope Diane is okay. I don't want her to look at me or my parents differently. I love them. I am okay and I have no hard feelings. I just hope everything is okay. Carolyn