Hi, on the 13th September 2016, My children were put into care by myself voluntary (section 20) I done this due to being in an abusive relationship, my husband physically and emotionally abused me and my children. I had to ensure they were safe so I made the call, now there adopted ! I couldn't get them back due to mental health issues, financial issues and housing. I honestly don't no how to cope it's really starting to eat me up recently I feel all alone and sad the majority of the time. Please if anyone is in this situation I need to talk to someone thanks for reading

I am an adoptee. I am completely supportive of adoption. Every person and every situation is different. I may not understand the reasons one decides to place a child for adoption, but I always support the decision. I could never place a child. I am selfish when it comes to my kids. I was not in a good position financially when I had either of them. I have never been able to give them all the things that they asked for or take them all the places they wanted to go. That aside, I have always felt I am the best person to raise them. I don't feel like anyone can love them, take care of them, or protect them the way I can because I am their mother. I recognize that is not always the case. I respect other people's choices not to parent. Despite my feelings as a mother I believe there is a tremendous amount of strength on adoption. The thought of taking a person who was physically attached to me for nine months and passing them to someone else is unbearable to me. In that position, that act would break me. It would end me. There would be no way to repair the shattered pieces of my former self. For those in open adoption, to see that child again and again would be like a knife stabbing me in the chest with every breath. I don't know where you find the strength, but I'm glad you do. For the parents who adopt, it must take great courage and confidence to raise a child who starts off as a stranger to you. I don't even like other people's children that much. I can't imagine moving one in and giving him or her the same love and affection as a biological child. Yet I know that you do because I was that child. It's not a charade or facade. It's real because I felt it. In recent years I have read too many stories of adoption wrapped in trauma and loss. What we need more of are tales of everyday people sporting invisible capes. I see you. No, adoptees should not be obligated to "give thanks" to their adoptive parents. They should feel thankful though. Adoption shouldn't be about sadness or emotional injuries. Adoption is about love and life and family.

SHE'S FINALLY FINAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What an amazing feeling this is :-) We are done. And it feels so good! Aria Elizabeth Serenity Hope!!!!!!!!!!! Is finally and officially my daughter! ROCK AND ROLL. I have pictures up on my Myspace that you can see and I will post on the forums in a few. The last ones in the group were from today. My angel was as always quite a ham and had even the court reporter in awe. It was a remarkable experience full of love and joy. I think the judge loves when they get a chance to do this. Sadly a lot of families were waiting in the lobby and I was told we were the only adoption that day in our courtroom, so you know they were for other types of hearings and well judging by the faces not all of them as joyous as our adoption. I remind myself again how blessed I am to be able to adopt my dearest little angel and pray that when it comes time for her little sister, we have the same kind of journey. I know that it is hard on birth mothers who lose their children to the system, I am sure it is devestating, but if Aria's birth mom could see her, I hope in my heart of hearts that she would be happy to see that Aria is a happy loved child....cause she is! On that note I will be calling Aria's birth sister today and letting her know that we are ready for another visit. :-) So here we are on cloud nine happy and blessed and thanking that Great Big Blue Fairy in the Sky for the best thing that ever ever ever happened in my life :-) Now I can focus on raising my sweetie, getting massive amounts of money for excellent work that I will be doing....exercizing the 20 lbs I somehow put on (sits and cries) but I will be hot again!!!!!!!!! I promise myself....oh and dreaming of Aria's little sister to come one day. I can't believe that I started this journal almost two years ago and it was just that a dream for a daughter and today that dream is realized, it shows that dreams really do come true and I believe that whole heartedly, you can manifest anything you truly believe in. :-) So....to little Indya, you will be home with us when it is your time to be here, until then Aria and I will be thinking of your with love and joy. You will be in our dreams. To my career, thank you for blossoming into a brilliant expression of my purpose on this earth. Thank you for providing for my family and then some, so that we can reach out and help others as well. To my family thank you for healing and growing. TT and Brad for getting pregnant and bringing a little one of your own into this world. Mom for finding your joy and purpose on this beautiful earth. To HMG....thank you for being there for our little family, I wish you all the love and joy life brings to you. To Aunt Bana thank you for being Aria's God mother and loving her so much and being such a good friend to me. To Aria....baby just blossom and grow as you have been doing, the world is yours...but um...you already know that. To all of you continued love and joy even in the rough times....it is always worth it in the end. :-) Here is my myspace page http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=122483386 Enjoy....I'm gonna go hug and squeeze MY KID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WEEEHOOO

It is 3am and I can't sleep. yesterday my husband had a major heart attack. He is too young. He is only 40! We have children, he has to walk our daughter down the isle, he has to teach our sons to be good men. He can't leave me all alone. I am trying to have faith but I'm afraid. I can't by myself. I am trying but I don't stand why. why now. things happen for a reason. I believe that. people have told me and i realize that things could have gone alot worse. he was supposed to have shoveled his moms driveway out. he was going to take a nap. either cases he might not have been found right away. as it happened he was going to change and collapsed. i heard it and responded quickly but i don't know if it was quick enough. my 2 yr old was keeling next to him and tryinig to give him compressions along with me saying dad wake up. dad wake up. my 11yr old was there crying and trying to help with the baby when the peramedics came. i cna't do this. i want to scream. i am trying to hold it together. i know everyone expects me to fall apart because he is my rock. my skin burns. it hurts when people touch me. i want to be hugged by not by them but by him. i want to hear him tell me everything is going to be ok. that we'll get through this like everything else. but he's not here. i need him and i want him with me. everyone wants to help and i just want to curl up in a ball and be by myself. people keep saying what can i do. is there something i can do to help. it takes everything that i have not to say can you bring him home. if you can't then there is nothing you can do for me. i know that's wrong. but i can't but feel that way. i can't break down. i have to stay strong for my kids. i need prays. i need alot of prayers. i have to keep my faith. god can't do this to me to my family.

I am looking for my half brother who was born 11-1-1966 at OSF Peoria, IL and was name Gary Lee. He was adopted shortly around the same time. I have information about his BF and of course BM which is my mother. I am very interested in finding him and seeing if wanting to learn about his birthfamily

Hey, i am Alicia and i am 24 years old. I am a nursing mother of a 4 month old baby girl, looking for a parent or parents to Adopt her. Please reach out if any interests . (cee.cyndee25@gmail.com)[img]https://adoption.com/community/PF.Base/file/attachment/2017/06/c7431a2a81919ad4098c0805653df353_view.jpg[/img]

I was hoping you’all could give me some ideas. I've had many, but want to consider any new ideas before making a decision. Situation: In 1965 I was the product of a one night stand and therefore adopted out. In 2008, the mediator found my birthmother, but she refused contact with me because NO ONE in her family knew she had had me. At the time I was born, she was divorced with 3 children, and I learned she had another child after me. Well, in 2016, when the State of Colorado released birth certificates to adoptees, I got mine in the mail and did what 90% of us would have done, I Googled my birthmother’s name. Found out she, her first husband, and her current husband have all passed away recently. But I also found my 4 half-siblings (I’m still not sure how I feel about Facebook and it openness!) I guess what I’m really asking is for you to imagine that all of a sudden a person contacts you and they have the proof that your mother kept such a huge secret for so long and you wouldn’t even be able to talk to her about it. As far as I know, they know nothing about me. Question is two-fold. Do I make contact? If so, do you have any ideas on how to start that message? If not, why shouldn’t I?

Well....after spending the whole night in the ER last night and returning at 5am. Momma, Me and Aria returned from our adventures in late night/early morning ER drama. Kiddo had another gut wrenching seizure! Today she is more adorable than ever, but last night she looked like her life just hung on a thread. It kills you to see your children that way, eyes rolled back in their heads listless body and other than a little eye movement, no indication what so ever that your baby is ever coming back to normal, until finally....they do. THANK GOD SO this means we will be seeing a neurologist and begin a battery of tests :-( I believe in my heart of hearts that she will be just fine, in fact I know she will....but we have to go through the motions. My sw did inform me that Aria was one of the most severely drug exposed babies they had had at the agency....news to me. Well...I would adopt her one thousand times over and over again, she is the most beautiful, loving, wonderful, smart and HEALTHY child I have ever seen and I would do it again and again! In fact as my little one is being poked and prodded (literally, with blood tests, a cathater...etc) she would wave to passer bys, befriended a homeless patient, a nurse (who was not ours, but would check in a and talk to only her ever hour of the 11 hours we were in the ER) a biracial family across the hall, an 80 year old woman, who would lift up her head all the time, smile and wave at her. We kept wondering who Aria was waving at and when we looked over we say the sweet wrinkled face of a very old, very sick woman. Aria was the light of the ER, in fact when we left we heard people in the rooms down the hall talking about "the beautiful little drug baby who had a seizure" She actually had two :-( last night. People would pass our room and comment "oh she is beautiful" It was funny and at 5am....an itsy bit annoying, but I was so proud of my little rock star. She only cried when she was being prodded, and eventually ended up with a 104 degree temp, which made her worse. We think this one may have been a febrile seizure, however, the fever began after the seizure started so we are not sure, but I am hoping it is, however we will have yet more doctors and tests and see what happens :-( We also cancelled her bday party til, next week, so that she is up for the party...as well as it looks like rain in these parts....so that's our update. On the sorta good news front. Aria's second seizure has triggered the "all systems go!" on having her classified as a medically fragile child (California is SO supportive with services) and I will be receiving the medically fragile rate....so YALE!!!! Here we come! I might have to fight for the rate, but because Aria's toxicology was so high at birth and with the seizures, it has added a level of medically uncertainty to her case which classifies her as a medical needs child. I have to go to classes for special needs...but I am really excited about doing this because I want to know what to do if she has another seizure. We had our second ambulance ride last night and I....I don't know I guess I would call again, it looks like she's dying when she has these. And they said that potentially the brain could be damaged and it's better to get immediate medical help....so I just stuck the state with another ambulance ride bill.....yikes. I pray to GOD!!!! I never have to see her go through that again. At first they thought it was a petit mal, but we finally realized that she is having Grand Mal seizures, just a different kind that the thrash about kind. I don't know what would be scarier, thrashing about or her kind where she tenses up her head fixes to the side and her eyes roll back in her head......oh boy I hate these! So that's all so far. Forever Family I hope you are having fun on your trip and that when you come home, you will be able to pick up your son. Thank you all for the bday wishes, I can't believe that when I started this journal I was dreaming of my child and today she is home and has just turned one!!!!! Nothing makes me believe more in dreams coming true than that. THANK YOU GOD! Thanks for everything.

OMG!!!! She called me last night!!! IT"S HER! I got a call on my cell and it's her! I couldn't get to it right away and when I saw the number I was like who do I know in this area code? DH was like it could be our son (he's on an away field trip with his class for a few days) and I was just about to call back when I realized that I had a voice message. I listened and it was her! She said that it was Diana and I was right! My daughter and dh both listened to the message. DH said he didn't care about the expensive phone call (we were already over our free minutes for the month OUCH) so I called her back. We talked from 6-9 (then I called her back so that the after 9 call was free and talked to her till 11:30pn) I guess I know where I get my talking gene from! LOL! It was so surreal! We are so alike. It reminds me of my best friend when we first met. The first time we spent the night at her house we stayed up all night going "Do you like this?"..."So do I!" and then we'd slap hands. It was like that! It was like sitting down and talking to myself! Amazing! She was so happy! She kept telling me that she'd always hoped that I'd look for her. She felt that was maybe why she'd given me the middle name that she had and also why she had always kept the Moran name apart of her name. Simply amazing! I still can't believe it! She told me that my brother and sister always knew about me and that she wishes that we would have found each other sooner. I swear I still can't believe that I talked to her. I have to admit I felt a little guilty. When we talked I felt bad because I would tell her something about my growing up and kept saying "my mom" would say this or "my mom" would do that and ever time I flinched thinking does that make her feel bad? I know my amom would really not like it that if she knew how similar we are. She would feel so threatened! As far as she's concerned I'm her baby. (I have to call her today! ...not to tell her about this but just because! I feel guilty when I think about her like I've swipped a cookie from the cookie jar and I know if she counts them she'll know.) I guess that's something I'll have to live with. I just woke up dh..partially because he has to get up for work and partially because I need to talk...like I didn't get enough of that last night! I'll write more later... Lori

I am posting to this site as my first real attempt to find my brother. I know his original first name was William(Bill) and that he was born on October 25, 1956, at Augustana Hospital in Chicago, IL. All of my life, I was told by my mother that he died a few days after he was born. So I never questioned it. Then when my mother died in 1982(my father died in 1959) I found a journal of my grandmother. She was actually my step-grandmother and not a very nice lady. In this journal, she states that my brother was given up for adoption to St. Vincent dePaul Hon on 12/08/1956. I did not believe this at first due to this woman's history of lies and meaness. After thinking about it, I realized that since we were Catholics, if the baby had died, he would of had to be buried and my mother and I never visited a grave. When my father died, we visited his grave daily for six months and then frequently after that. This lead me to believe the adoption story might be true. So here I am, the sister who has no legal right to the closed adoption records and no living family members to confirm or deny. I actually do not know for sure the last name that would have been on my brother's birth certificate, possiibly Villano or Crowley or ? If anyone who was adopted, looking for birth family member and was born on 10/25/56, please contact me.

Tomorrow I will be having lunch with my daughter. She called after 7 days with no word. We've exchanged text messages and a few phone calls. I'm concerned that her mental health is compromised, but she is confident that she is doing well. My emotions across heart-break, love, fear and anger. I hope she will agree to seek some counseling, but I am not hopeful. I suspect I will have less of a relationship with her than she will have with her bio-mother who attempted to drown her when she was seven. I understand wanting to know more about one's history; I don't understand abandoning the stable family for the unknown.

Yes I know I'm getting ahead of myself I know we have a long and rough road ahead of ourselves before we adopt him but in my heart I feel that this is our son. So on the day I met my baby. I was scared and nervous I prayed that I would feel something, some kind of bond/attachment, to just know. It was strange because his foster family lives very near where D's mom was living. So I drove past that part of the city and surprised myself by finding the home very quickly. I was nervous, had butterflies and wanted to throw up. It was like meeting my husband all over again. (LONG story) I remember thinking on my way to the door through the cold that this felt exactly the same and how odd that it was. I knocked and nobody answered. I was worried I had the wrong house. Keep in mind that it is frigid cold. I was so nervous, this didn't help. I knocked 3 different times each time a little louder. No doorbell. Finally the foster mom opened the door. I remember thinking how young she looked. She motioned me towards the living room. I have to tell you as soon as I saw E my heart knew this was my child. He was grinning from ear to ear bouncing up and down in his walker. He has the most beautiful large eyes, long thick eye lashes that curl slightly up, he has dimples on both cheeks, puffs of curly hair on top, he is the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen. But that is not why I knew he was mine. It was a feeling more then anything. His foster mom took him out of his walker and handed him to me. He looked right into my eyes and smiled. I tickled him under his chin while talking to him and he laughed, the best sound! I was able to feed him a bottle. He looked into my eyes the entire time. I felt a connection. It was time for his nap so I had to leave. As I left his foster mom and him stood at the window waving goodbye. We were leaving for the weekend for Canada to visit dh's grandparents. I wasn't going to see him for 9 days! I got in my car called my dh got emotional and told him "I think I just met our son." We were NOT going to tell ANYONE in his family as they have not been supportive of foster/adopt since our recent placement of two infants went home. We also did not know if this was going to be a for sure thing at all. I guess as soon as I was done talking he got off of the phone and told all of his family. I called my mom and told her the news. She called my dad on her cell phone and held it up to the phone. We decided that dh and dd's needed to meet him before we made a final decision. We all wanted to feel the same way I did. I went to Target and baby Gap and purchased some cute clothes. I went to Toys-R-Us and got him some toys. We ended up having a big snow storm and we were not able to go to Canada-oh darn. Instead we had were able to go and get E on Friday. Dh got work off early. As soon as dh saw him he broke out in a smile. He reached for E and E reached out to him! It was such a sweet moment. Even the foster mom had a few tears in her eyes. (I love this lady-so grateful for what she has done and is doing!) Dh got him giggling in no time. We got him and all of his many many bags in the car-good foster mommy didn't want us to go out shopping. We arrived home just in time. The girls walked through the door and there was E. They both instantly loved him. It is amazing and unusual how much all of us have felt this instant connection to this baby. He makes it easy with his dimpled smiles. Oh if only I could post a picture! We had him all weekend. There were many precious moments. He loves to snuggle. He loves it when I sing and read to him. He loves to play with the girls. We were worried about the in-laws and us accepting a placement after telling them we were done and them being 100% against us ever doing foster care again. We went to have dinner Friday evening and as soon as I walked in the door my FIL scooped him up. He looked right at him and tears welled up in his eyes as my FIL said hello. My MIL couldn't believe how gorgeous he was. I was getting a little irritated that I couldn't hold my baby! I know he needs to attach to one person right now. But this was good. We now have the full support of our in-laws who are absolutely head over heals for this little guy. He is a good baby, he really is. He has some issues he needs some help with but he is a baby he has found his family and he will overcome all of them. I don't think there was a moment of if he would come to live with us or if we would do this it was when and can it be soon??? It was very hard to take him back Sunday afternoon. I reluctantly did. He was very happy to see his foster mom and foster siblings. He gave his 2 year old foster sister a big hug and sloppy kiss. I could see the wonderful bond he has developed with his foster family and that was very comforting to know how well he has been cared for. It will be easier for him to bond to us and form a healthy attachment. I am going to be working hard on attachment parenting! I am so excited. I got a call Sunday evening from my mom and dad who are planning a trip in one month to come and meet the baby, I love my parents! They want to meet their newest grandson. I told them that this is not going to be final until that piece of paper is signed and that can take a year or more. They don't care they feel the same way I do that this was meant to be and we will adopt him. My mom will be here for 2 weeks my dad will come for a few days. SW wants a slow transition into our home. We will do that over the next month. It makes it hard on me but I do feel it will be easier on E. Oh we plan on changing his name to Eli (not his given name but it is close enough to be his nickname so we won't get in trouble.) DD was reading a book and the name Eli was used it struck all of us that this was his name. So little Eli will be living with us in a month if all goes as planned. I am beat! I better go to bed. weird how this is not at all what we were planning right now but it is exactly why we entered foster/adopt.

I want to preface this by saying that Aria is ok. :-) By this evening she was back to her giggly/wiggly self.....but having said that today was a real test of motherhood and bravery for me. As I like to make light of aweful things I will give two reflections on this story. The first is the facts, the second is the funnies. The facts. I had a meeting in Santa Monica with my boss and another producer for a documentary we are filming in Japan in February. Presently the American Film Market is happening in Santa Monica, so the lobby of the hotel where our meeting was to take place was packed with press/stars/entertainment business folk. So the room was crowded with people of note (at least in our small narcissistic world) Aria had a weird day today. She fell asleep while eating in her highchair which she has never done before. She also was not quite her playful self. I chalked it up to her staying up a half hour late to entertain dinner guests that HMG, JuJu and I hosted for a big party last night. In true party girl fashion, she didn't want to go to bed and miss the fun....I gave her a little extra time, but not whole night like Halloween. Anyway when I arrive in Santa Monica for my meeting, she is asleep in the car seat, since we had been on the road for a hour, I thought it would be fine to take her out. She usually takes a minute to wake up and then just starts smiling. When I took her out today, she clutched my neck hard (like a toddler or preschooler would do) and her head started dropping backwards, at the same time her eyes lost focus and started to roll. I got her head up, but she could only move it to one side and she still could not focus her eyes, her mouth then dropped open and she looked like she was gasping for air. I started to cry as I held her and tried to get her to become alert again. JuJu WAS AMAZING, she was so strong and loving she kept trying to talk to Aria to get her to respond. Aria knew what was happening to her, but she couldn't stop it and her little eyes pleaded with me to help her. I just held her and kissed her and massaged her neck, thinking she had woken up with a stiff neck or something. But honestly in my heart of hearts I knew there was something wrong. I know this child better than I know myself and a mother knows when her kid is ill :-( In fact for a moment....just one horrid moment, it felt like she was dying. We where finally able to get her to become a bit more alert and I headed toward my meeting, thinking that she had needed to sleep and had a stiff neck, but when we entered the lobby of the hotel it happened again. And this time it was worse, she looked like she was experiencing some kind of cerebral palsy, without the jerky motions, just a fluid rolling of the head and a disconnect with the eyes. That is when I calmly (If you can believe that) went up to the front desk and said. "Please call 911 there is something wrong with my baby." To which I met am with a blank stare. I repeat "Please call 911" He says "Are you a guest of the hotel?" In my delirium I say "no, I'm here for a business meeting," Not surprising considering that the world's largest film market is happening not more than 10 feet in front of him. I then tell him that my baby (which he can see) is lethargic and non-responsive PLEASE CALL 911!!!!!! By this time my boss has arrived and all 4'10" inches of shear craziness pitches a fit in the middle of the lobby and demands that someone call 911. Who shows up? Hotel security!!!! So now I am faced with Men In Black, complete with earpieces. By this time Aria has stopped the seizure, but is still lethargic and detached. My boss starts screaming at security as she notices that Aria is really sick. My kiddo is a smiling drooling cooing moving beautiful bundle of engergy. The child in my arms was unmoving, lethargic drooling (and not the good teething drool....but the vacant stare drool) with half closed eye lids, under which her 100% aware eyes were begging someone to help her feel better. It is not until I meet the manager of the hotel and say that I am a fost/adoptive mother of a drug exposed baby, having a meeting with my boss, who they now recognize and start appologizing to, did they begin to take me seriously and actually CALL 911 as I had asked them to do 10 minutes before. The woman happens to be AA and I explain my story, she adds something like I am a saint for adopting a drug baby (whatever!) and FINALLY CALLS 911. Now we become the most catered to people in the hotel, we are given bottled water, told to sit down, the manager lady (sorry this is all a bit hazy) sits with me and talks, but I can't remember what about. All I really remember is looking at Aria and holding her, remembering how connected we where when she had her first seizure, her little arms holding my neck and her little eyes looking at me with fear and love, all she wanted to do was cuddle, even though the little dear had no head nor, eye control. I remember sitting with her in my arms my head against hers just whispering to her to stay here with me....not to leave. To stay and live til old age, to grow up and become whatever she wants. Even though I want her to be a baby Beyonce, I gave her free reign to be a scientist, a gardner, a bank teller, a rock star, a politician, heck....she can even be a republican.....just grow up one day....please, let me be able to see you grow up til adulthood and beyond. In essence, please God....please, let her get through this ok. Now I know that with the head circumfrence issue and the learning delays, we have faced challenges....all which were actually kinda fictional, cause they really weren't anything. Maybe they were preparing me for this moment. I'm not sure. But today was real. And I must say, even though I will adopt another drug exposed baby....it was the drug exposure that did this. Later in the hospital I learn, that the prenatal drug exposure can cause seizures...and d@mn it, if that isn't what happened. Anyway 8 paramedics, a fire truck and two ambulances show up to escort my little rock star to the emergency room. We were wheeled on a gurney through the lobby of the Shutters Hotel while the world's largest Film Market/Shmooz fest is happening. We are raced to emergancy, seen by doctors, have a CAT SCAN (anyone ever sit through THAT WITH YOUR CHILD???????). To see if, yet again, she has a brain tumor. I would rather stick needles in my eyes than ever watch my child go through a CAT scan ever again. We are told that the CAT scan is clear. Yeah no tumors!!!! My wacko boss comes and pushes around the emergancy staff, finally finds us and tells me I need to give Aria water. To appease her we give Aria a capful....oh wait....I do this not to appease her but Aria just had spewed projectile vomitosis all over my shoulder, the chair, the floor, the wall and the corner of a cute Disney poster that had baby Mikey, Minnie and Donalds etc. In fact Ju Ju and I were commenting on how we think Aria is the sassy Daisy Duck on the top of the picture trying to reach for the bow on the top of the cake, way above the rest and nearest to the string of puke that is making it's way to the floor. So I think after a jet propelled spew like that, kiddo may need a little rehydration. At this point she is getting to be more like herself and I am starting to feel better. Doctor comes in and tells me that the CAT scan is clear, but that Aria had a Petit Mal Seizure and will need to see our doctor, which she will do tomorrow or at their earliest convienience and was given a pamphlet on Epilepsy. We leave. JuJu and I have a nervous breakdown, decide to get fattning food at a fav. restaurant and our day ends with Aria eating avacados and half of my veggie burger bun, and saying "mmm" at the top of her lungs, me with FRIES :-) and a fat glass of wine and JuJu with a towering burger, all of us happy, tired, puffy eyed and glad to be a family. Revelations on this journey. JuJu says that watching Aria cling to me and look in my eyes as she is having her seizure really helped her understand the meaning of the word "mother" That at the time of crisis a baby looks to and needs their mother, and the love between that mother/father and their child is from God and is the most perfect love. She also said that seeing Aria and I together she knew that there was no one else in this world who could really call her mom, cause today she needed me. She also said that she now knows how deep love flows, and how profound it is as she watched her little Aria struggle through the seizure, she said her heart burst and the love she had for Aria grew bigger than anything she has ever known. For me I saw JuJu and her angelic little face and how she smiled and told me all would be ok as Aria eyes rolled back in her head. But behind her smile I saw the tears well in her eyes and the concern she was hiding. I saw her grow up today, I saw her mature and become a woman, and I saw us grow as a family. I am not the whiney "un-mom" of the last post, but a more empathetic and well....dare we say....more motherly mom. And for Aria....if it is even possible....I now love her MORE! I saw her soul today....I saw her as person... as a person who reached out to her mother for help when her body betrayed her. Yesterday I loved her as a baby, today I love her as a person, this person who for one moment during a seizure became more than a nine month old child....she became an ageless being with a perfect means of articulate communication, she became my daughter not my adopted daughter, but more, more than any definition can discribe....she is the person whose soul is in tune with mine, there is no other person on this planet who is closer or more one with me than Aria and today taught me that. We called HMG from the hospital and he took the news harder than anyone, I think cause he wasn't there and just had such a lovely dinner last night where she and he rolled around the floor, giggled and played all night and today, she has a petit mal seizure. :-( Ok....now for the funnies ready! 1. Being wheeled past Diane Keaton having lunch with a friend on a gurney with my child as a Fire Engine 2 ambulances and 8 paramedics escort us to the emergancy room. 2. Sitting the the ambulance with my lethargic, little one cluched to my chest thinking..."Is is wrong to flirt with the HOT fireman who is asking all sorts of personal questions, while my child may be gravely ill?" And I mean he was HOT!!!! However, the mix of brave motherhood and gut swirling fear won and I paid attention only to my kiddo. 2. Projectile Vomitosis that drips down a Disney poster. 3. Ju Ju and I doing an entire choreographed dance to LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU while a trauma patient, an old man, a victim of a gun shot wound and various ER staff watch our full production, kicks, twirls and all as we try to get Aria to laugh. 4. Singing folks songs to my kiddo as she is strapped down and placed under the CAT Scan machine, screaming so loudly and profoundly that she is actually blowing bubbles of saliva that start in her throat and grow out her mouth like bubble gum. To have her finally calm down and look at me with brave eyes while they take the pictures which makes me break down in sobbing tears as I try to continue singing Like A Bridge Over Troubled Water. When we are done, I look over and all the technicians behind the glass are crying. 5. Waiting in the ER waiting room after we were done for JuJu to get the car while a man in a wheelchair claims he's dying and why doesn't he get service. A frantic Nurse runs in and asks "Whose the person that was found in a car not breathing??" They point to a person who is behind a pole. She tries to confirm. "Was there anyone else in this room found in a car not breathing???" Everyone who has been in the room for hours points to the person behind the pole. The nurse is relieved. "I just wanted to make sure" A person in the room yells that she has been there for about a half hour. And when they finally wheel her into the ER, she's about 100 years old....and um....I think dead. (I know not funny) But a non breathing patient had to wait 30 minutes to be seen....um...you do the math. Many of the waiting room waiters commented on the same thing....assuming that the wait might have killed her. So on an up note, by the time we hit the ER waiting room, waiting for JuJu to bring the car. Aria was trying to get the attention of everyone in the room, which she succeeded in doing...right on little rock star. So to close this I will end with a little message to my daughter.... Babe....DON'T EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN.......EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and.....I love you.

Okay laugh at me if you want to especially if you read my last words in the last post. I think there is purpose behind just about everything and I think the puppy care was preperation so that I would know I could do it and so that we would say 'yes'. I have no idea where this little angel's case is headed. I have absolutely no information-very frustrating. She could leave tomorrow, or stay forever-no clue. I don't even know why she was removed. I only know two other siblings are in care, not adopted, and that the foster home could not take a baby but that the siblings are very attached to this foster home. I don't have time to write much just that we are in love. She has Eli's skin tone, but other then that their features are very different, though everyone thinks they do (whatever...kind of annoying.) I was told we were getting a 6 week old baby boy felt 100% at peace with saying "yes" immediatly even though in the back of my mind I have felt for a long time the next baby will be a girl not a boy. I called dh immediatly he was gung ho, gave myself an hour to think about it, felt absolutely good about saying "yes" talked with Eli's worker and made sure it was not going to jeapordize anything with his adoption. I then called and said 'yes!' That evening I came home---such a long story!---to a perfect 6 week old baby who was dressed in pink. I told BIL (very long story as to why he was there) "wait a minute this is supposed to be a boy" he said "I haven't checked out the packaging but I'm pretty sure this is a girl." My BIL was soooo sweet. He took care of her for me until I could get home. In my heart I feel something significant. I go with my feelings here and wow am I in love. I'm crying just typing this. Anyway she is an angel baby. She fusses only when she is hungry. she is already cooing and smiling. she has almond eyes, cute chubby cheeks, and a head full of soft curls-her t-shirt she was wearing when she came said "I love my hair!" Eli LLLLLOOOOVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS her!!! Well so far anyway. He is very sweet with her. He is a loving little guy. busy but loving and always has been. He gave her a kiss and he doesn't give those out often. He says "awwwwwwww b..b..b...". Translation "oh how I love you baby girl" constantly. I sort of let him hold her while I was holding her and he did not want to give her up. He sat for a good 10 minutes which is equivelant to an hour for him :) DD's think she is the little princess. The coolest thing is that we adopted a kitten from the humane society on the same day. I adore animals, all animals, I always have. Ask my parents how many strays I brought home they have several stories. Then there are animals that are special to me, this kitten, which was sort of going to be the "puppy" the girls wanted was not intended but we all knew immediatly she was for our family. Thinking about raising a puppy, its just not a good time for us, so we compromised with a litter trained kitty. THe girls have been playing with her and set up their room as a kitty palace. They spent all their savings (exactly $15 and change) on kitty toys, a tunnel, made a her 4 beds in various places... Dh went to meet her after we had lunch together as a family and he's friends with the vet who cares for the animals at the humand society so they let him take him immediatly. They are currently over capacity with cats, totally meant to be that we found this sweet kitty. She is a character. I'm more of a dog person but I LOVE my kitties too. So we got home from that and I received the call about the baby "boy." What a week. Wow have to run. L I had a bad winter taking care of two babies...and questioned if I could do it again.

We just got M's new birth certificate int he mail!!!!!!! It is so weird. It has me listed as her mother (I am and always have been :) )and my dh listed as her father instead of my ex husband. It also shows our ages when she was born. I was very young when I gave birth to her, dh is only a year older then I am and lists him as 21 years old when she was born. We didn't know each other at the time. He was serving a mission for our church at the time she was born. We had a laugh about that wondering what people would think if they saw the birth certificate. M was more thrilled to see her new birth certificate then when her adoption was finalized-I think it made it real to her. Its really all done. What a good feeling it is. Musemoon-I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I was just listening to a talk on CD that my mom sent me about Victor Frankel (sp?) who survived the holocaust. You have that gift he taught-no matter what is happening in your life you realize that you have the power to find the joy. Thank you for sharing your inspiration and have fun at Disneyland. I got a call from my mom mid week last week. Whenever she calls with emotion in her voice or the way she is talking to me I know something is up and not in a good way. I came from a very small community but large in that it was like a big family, you knew everyone and everyone knew you. I also have huge-massive-extended family and we are all very close maybe having so many loved ones in your life is why I feel like I get too many calls like this. One of my cousins has been battling cancer for several years. He is only a year older then I am, he has 4 children and a beautiful wife-amazing family. Apparently they had overdosed him on his medication and he was on life support. It hit me so hard. I love living in NY but my heart it always with those in my hometown. I've never lived anywhere where people love each other and build each other up as they did in that little town. Most of us are related in some way. It was a beautiful way to grow up. With generations of people knowing you and helping you become. This is my cousin, sort of like a brother. Its so hard for me to be this far away from the immediate family I grew up, my extended family, and the "family" I knew as a child. I never get to be there for them and words will never come close to explaining the ways in which they were truly there for me in my time of need. The community is made up of farmers who scratched their existence out of the dessert. People who understand that calling yourself a Christian does not mean you are Christian. They, for the most part, behave in a manner that leaves no question as to they value and love for their fellow "brothers and sisters" on this planet earth. Everyone is accepted in that community. I am who I am because of my parents and the good people who live there. When my cousin was first diagnosed with cancer the town and surrounding area was in the middle of the worst drought anyone knows of for that area. Still the community sustained this family by canning food out of their garden, all families can food and grow a garden, its very much like going back in time..so different from the way I live. So everyone was asked to give a little of what they had to this family. He was a ditch rider and had to stop working. Its still pretty rural, and jobs like that really are necessary but he could have done anything with his life he's always been extremely intelligent went to college but he wanted a simple life. This left his family in a very bad place but through the help of people who didn't have anything to give they have been okay. We fasted and prayed as a family on Sunday for him and his family. I called my dad Sunday evening to see how he was doing and my dad had heard he was doing a little better but still on life support. When I was praying I just kind of knew I should pray more for his family then for him to live but instead for God's will. He's been in pain for so long, I saw him last year and I almost didn't recognize him. He looked and moved like an old man. The vibrant real life cowboy was gone in its place was pure agony. It was hard to see him like that but he has 4 young children who love and need him. His son is not much younger then my M. My parents both called me yesturday to tell me that he had died. It happened about the time I called my dad to see how he was doing. They had been trying to call me but we were out all day at parades and picnics. I had such an overwhelming feeling of peace with me all day long. I wondered why I needed that feeling, or energy, or whatever it was with me. When my parents told me even though I knew it was so likely it still didn't prepare me. I was very grateful for that peaceful feeling because through the loss that I was feeling, not for myself, but for his family who I love, I knew that they would be okay. I only wish there was more I could do for them. When someone I love dies it also tends to take me back emotionally to all of the losses I've experienced of loved ones, I fear the same happening to my own family. My dh always talks like he is going to leave me a widow, I know he's doing it more to prepare us in case something does happen but I dont know things like this just put me in a bad place emotionally. This really hasn't. I am so grateful to have felt sustained and as if I have grown. I only wish I could go "home" and be with my family right now. In my heart that is where I am. L

I FEEL AS IF I KEEP LOOKING IN VAIN THAT THERE IS NOBODY OUT THERE WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED TO ME,OR EVEN CAREING THAT THEY LEFT ME BEHIND. I JUST WANT TO KNOW SOMEONE IN MY BIOLOGICAL FAMILY CARES FOR ME

At this time, last year, I took a leap of faith and started on a journey to find out about me. I was adopted as an infant. My adoption was a closed adoption meaning my file was sealed. I always knew that I was adopted, my parents told me at a young age. It’s not something that I remember being told, I just always knew… but that’s all I knew! We never really talked about it and I never really felt the need to ask. Being adopted was always something I kept private. I just didn’t want anyone to think that I didn’t love my parents like they love their parents. I didn’t want to be different! However; growing up knowing that I was adopted I did feel different, I also felt ashamed and alone. I don’t really know why I felt this way. Maybe because my story was different from my friends. Maybe because I always felt the need to keep my adoption a secret or private. My parents and my brother loved me beyond measure and I grew up in a loving home, that was never the issue! Being adopted was just always something I wondered about and it would come up in certain times in my life. It would come up in school when I had to do projects on my heritage or family traits. It would come up when people would ask me questions like why are you so short or why do you have olive skin. I would just make a joke and say, I got the brains and my brother got the height. Really it would make me feel bad about myself because I really didn’t know. It would come up when I would go to the doctor and I didn’t know the answers to the questions. I also never asked my parents about my adoption because I didn’t want them to think that I didn’t love them or that we were different. I always tried to make my parents proud of me! I was a good kid, I played sports, I was good in school, I graduated from high school and college, I became successful, I got married and I started a family. Growing up my family had problems just as any other family would have but that wasn’t the reason that I needed to go on this journey. My marriage has hit some challenges along the way but that wasn’t the reason that I needed to go on this journey either. Going on this journey had nothing to do with how much I loved my parents or my family, that love will never change! Now, in my late 40’s, I needed to find out the questions that I wondered about throughout my life. I needed it for myself! I needed to find out my heritage, my medical history, who I resembled, why I was so short, why I had olive skin, why I was a good athlete and many other questions, such as… my story of why I was given up for adoption. I needed to find my birth-family and if they were okay or if they ever thought about me! I wondered if we had ever crossed paths. I wondered about my birth-mom and I had many questions for her! I wondered if my birth-mom survived giving me up! I wondered if she gave me up because it was best for me, if it was out of love or why. I wondered what her story was, what our story was and if she loved me! I wondered if the stories that I made up in my head were true. I had so many questions that I can’t even write them all down! So I took a leap of faith and started on my adoption journey. On this journey, there has been many emotions that I was in no way prepared for and that I did not know I would have to face! If you want to hear more of my story… I will share in future posts.

So on with my life. This past Thursday night my aunt found a tick on my daughters head. It was HUGE the size of my thumbnail. Take it out and instantly it becomes red and edematous. Take her to the Dr on Friday Morning. Yup she has staph infection where the tick is. Gives me antibiotic to clear it up. ok I can deal with that. All weekend Miriam is irritable and refuses to eat. Sunday night find a knot at the base of her skull a fingersbreath away from the orgional bite. Thinking to self this is not a good thing. Have mother in law( RN for 39 years) take a look. She is not to concerned. Ok I can live with that. This am knot has doubled in size and is movable. Concerned to say the least. Call Dr. Wait and hour and 15 minutes for a call back to no avail. Call Dr again. wait 21:35 for a freaking answer. oh the response? She needs to be on a stronger antibiotic we do NOT need to see her! ARRGGGHHHHH.... I am thinking about taking her to urgent care anyway for they did not even look at the knot! other news. I start my preceptor tonight YAHOO!!! only 108 hours left of clinical and better yet only one more test!!! i take it thursday night which just happens to coincide with my bday YUCK. I am really concerned about her bump...... will have to talk to hubby to see what to do....... later on more with my life......

BEST NEWS FIRST! Court today and the judge wanted the attorney for CPS to get things in high gear because this baby needs to be adopted by us!!!!!!! 6 weeks that they have to publish and then we will have the TPR and then we will file our motion to adopt. Our next hearing is October 26th-after that it should only be waiting for our adoption hearing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hopefully before 2007 is over we will have our little guy adopted officially. In our hearts he is already ours. One more thing. I have never known Eli's middle name. His foster parents had initially thought of adopting him and decided to keep his name exactly as it was because they liked his first name and his middle name is a family name. They were only going to change his last name. Well dh feels strongly that we should keep Eli's name the same as it is now (not Eli) when we talked about it I really felt he was right-that is his name. Then dh got emotional and asked if it would be okay if we gave him my dh's name as his middle name. Explained it wasn't because he wanted a son with his name it was so Eli would know that he loves him and accepts him as his son, always. We both decided this was what we should do. Then I found out that his middle name is already my dh's name. So all 3 possible families were going to have the same name for this little boy, so meant to be. I have so much to write and not enough time. Saturday came down with a slight head cold by Sunday I was knocked off of my feet with fevers, chills, and a horrible cold. I forgot I was supposed to go and meet the babysitter in the afternoon. I haven't been that sick since, well I don't remember when. Dh took the kids for the day and I was either miserable or asleep. I woke up at 3 am Sunday night/Monday morning and realized I had totally forgotten and blown off the babysitter. I was so embarrassed/upset that I wasn't able to go back to sleep. At 8 am after older kids were in school I called. I apologized to her and explained what had happened and SHE HUNG UP ON ME. I called her back and asked her if she had hung up on me or the call had been disconnected. She said it must have gotten disconnected. Then basically she berated me as a terrible mother/irresponsible etc. that she didn't want to get involved with anyone "like me(you)." Yea, great opening to my day. I was still pretty sick but life had to go on and dh was back at work. Out of groceries and needing to take M to gymnastics C, two babies and I headed to the grocery store. Eli was actually taking things off of the shelves and throwing them on the ground. C was pushing him in his buggy and whatever he could reach he was throwing on the ground...so I tried to push him and pull the grocery cart. I had left my sling at home. oh ya, also I had to take both babies with me earlier in the day to get the car worked on AFTER getting told I am a terrible mother. While getting the car worked on I used my debit card and drivers license and with wrestling a toddler and a baby into the car I put them in my pocket instead of back into my wallet. I was wearing a jacket that I left at home, but totally forgot about it.....back to shopping. So after an hour of getting groceries I get in line after waiting an eternity. All done, groceries in the cart. Eli is throwing a fit because he's hungry, the baby is screaming and I am $5 short-thought I had plenty of cash. Unfortunatly my brain was not functioning 100% and I forgot I had spent $40 for C's soccor shoes. I Looked in my wallet, no debit card and I"m out of checks. I always keep checks in my car. So I race to the car with both babies and C grab check book and come back in. THe people in line behind me are shooting me daggers with their eyes. I make out he check and she asks for my ID which is home with my debit car in my pocket. UGH!! At this point WHY we didn't think of putting $5 of items back I am not sure. Sheer embarrasment and humilitation come to mind also I was still pretty sick...and not quite there. The manager came over looking at me like I must be some welfare mom and said no go w/o ID. I'm sick, I'm exhausted, I feel like a looser, I look even worse and I have two screaming children, I've been called a bad mother and I'm feeling like one. So I just start crying right then and there-and walk out with the two babies leaving our groceries behind, the best part is that on our way out C starts saying "but mom I'm hungry!" loud enough for everyone to hear. I get in the car and just start bawling. I'm feeling like I need a looser stamp on my forehead. I get it together and we have some healthy happy meals for dinner. I called dh on the way home and he reasures that no I'm not the worst mother in the world and that I really can do this. As soon as he is done with work he takes everyone but baby girl with him and does my shopping for me, also fixes dinner-my hero. What would I do without him on days like that!? Monday is his ONLY night of the week he is home so I"m lucky that was my breakdown day. Today I woke up feeling sick but in the land of the living. After the babysitter made me feel like the worst mother of the year dh and I talked it over and we decided it would be best to hire an in-home sitter. I called my good friend and her dd is going to college locally. DD was ecstatic to babysit EVERYONE. She was hoping I would need her. I will pay a great deal more but it is worth it. Thought about things this morning now that I feel like a whole person and realized how grateful I am that this woman showed her true colors. I thought she was going to be great, I checked out her references, everything sounded wonderful...YIKES-totally did not need somebody like that in my life or the lives of my children. Also the girl that is going to "nanny-sit" (that is so snobby-I love it!) will come to our house and that is a better option. C adores her, Eli loves her and knows her....it was meant to be. I questioned if I should go to Boot Camp today because I was still not feeling well but decided to anyway. Today was my turn to drop baby off for visit with her mom. I got to meet babies older brothers, they are sooooooooooooooo flippen cute! Oh my gosh I could have died when I met them. I also got to meet their foster mom and saw how much she loved them and they loved her. She was strikingly beautiful and had a warm personality. Mom came and she was very happy to see me. She seemed more emotionally stable then at the Dr. Eli and I went off to Boot Camp. He didn't want me to leave him at the daycare. It is an awesome place, great toys, great staff, only a few kids....I told them to page me if he cried more then 10 minutes. 10 minutes into getting my booty kicked and still no page so I relaxed/okay not really so much as relaxed-as if-but started to enjoy the pain that was my workout. I was the slowest in the class but those endorphins kicked in and I swear it gave this cold the goodbye kick. Then it was back to pick up baby girl from her visit. Eli was happy to see me and he did end up having a good time. YEA! I get there and meet baby girls SW, things were a bit chaotic with the boys running around so we don't get to talk but it was nice to meet her, like her. Then I see this woman who looks a lot like Eli with baby girls mom. She starts to cry when she sees Eli. I thought she was his mother, I swear my heart dropped but it was joy that I was feeling not fear. She came up to me and grabbed me in a huge sobbing hug. SHe told me "thank you" over and over. Finally she let go and I asked who she was. I was crying because I do that when other people cry, always have. She laughed, apologized, and said she was Eli's mother's cousin (follow?) but she considers herself Eli's "Aunt." She was around him when he was a baby. She cried and cried when she told me about Eli's mom. Everyone who I have met that has known Eli's mother loves her. I have never heard anyone say anything negative about her personality, I mean obviously nobody is happy with her addiction but what I always, always get is a deep sadness for what she has done to her life and that she had so much more to give. His Aunt told me that after the other meeting W/ 1st Aunt I metthey had all talked and there are apparently not many degrees of seperation in lives because my mutual friend who is the Godmother of our baby girl is very close with Eli's extended family, we just didn't know it. Anyway this friend knows everything. She has been with me from our first placement, when D went home, she knows us, she knows our family. She talked us up pretty good. The entire family is thrilled we are adopting Eli. The Aunt wanted to make sure we knew that. She then grabbed my hand and told me that God helped Eli come to us, that he was meant to be with us, that he should have died, and that she knew Eli was special and here for a reason, that he had a higher purpose. Okay that was surreal as I have had those very thoughts and feelings come over me as I sing and rock my Eli to sleep and I pray about him-almost exactly the same things have come over me. Then she cried and told me that she was so glad I was caring for the baby girl. I had given her mom a disposible camera to take pictures during the visit and they wanted one of Eli with the baby girl. He goes over and pats baby so sweetly then he poses his best show of self for the pictures. A very good morning. Before I leave forgive my spelling and errors. NOt only am I a bad speller but I'm typing with a baby in my lap :)

Ok, another day. I am getting so fed up with this. Everyone says that I am the one that is "going off the deep end" so to speak. I am just getting angry. DH is supposed to be taking it easy. True. DH is not supposed to lift more than 5lbs. True. DH is irritated because he wants to do "stuff" meaning he wants to make something...not clean or do taxes or anything that he might possibly be able to do. Yesterday I put a small wastebasket in front of him and asked if he'd pick up the trash on the floor (papers my little one had thrown on the floor) He looked at me like I'd grown another head! Then he's on the phone and while I'm on line trying to go over bills he asks if I can plug his phone in which is less than a foot away from him! He had a heart attack...not a stroke! Like I said, the things he can do, he won't and he wants to do the stuff he can't. I go shopping and forget to take my phone. Apparently he tried to call me and when I got home, yelled at me about how much stuff I got. When I asked what I'd done he was like I'd been "bitchy" all day. All I did was walk in the door! It all seems to have stemmed because I told him that he could do some things for himself. He then told me he wouldn't ask for my help anymore. When I told him he was being a marter he said he was. I really don't know what to do. He doesn't want me to lie to him and say everything is fine when it's not, but he doesn't want to hear the truth either. As soon as I say something he doesn't like or want to hear, I am then attacked with something or other. All I can say is I hope everything goes well at the doctors office tomorrow. Lori

Thanks guys. I just have to not let it get to me (which for me is near impossible.) I got so upset yesterday with the heart specialists. I was given a release sheet that said that we had to make dr visits for two weeks after his release with the heart dr and the defib dr. He had his heart dr visit monday and was to see the defib guy yesterday. Well we show up and the lady proceeds to tell me that we made a mistake that he doesn't have an appointment. I tell her No, that he had the device placed two weeks ago and is supposed to be seen (according to discharge papers) w/in two weeks and that I'd made the appointment the day after he was released. She said that this happens all the time but that I didn't make the appointment with their office. Yes I did because that was the number I called when I made the appointment. She wanted to argue with me. I have a very low tolerance for incompetance and I'm sure my blood pressure was off the chart. If this is something that happens often, don't you think someone should look into it? This appointment is to make sure that the pacemaker/defibulator is working properly! When I finally called the office that I was apparently supposed to call, I ended up talking to another bitty who proceded to tell me that they had no appointments available anytime soon! Now I'm about ready to kill someone. Again, you are not checking someone's broken arm. You are checking something that has been placed in a chest to make sure that a heart is going to continue to work...(insert scream here!) Last night I laid down and fell asleep. I woke up because I could feel my heart racing. I took my blood pressure and it was something like 165/86 and my heart rate was 90...after just waking up. Scarey!!! I really have to calm down. Everything is making me nuts lately. Doctors, DH, kids, everything. I need to walk away for a while but find that I can't. I'm going to see if there is a group for wives who's husband had a heart attack. Only thing is that most people are going to be older than me it seems. When we went to the heart dr's office, everyone was in their 50's/60's or older. I'm only 40. These people have grandkids that are my son's age...2. I quit smoking 2 weeks ago. I'm sure that doesn't help my anxiety or anger issues. However, I felt much better the 2nd day that I quit than now. I feel like I'm trying to breath under water. I can't get a deep breath. It's really bugging me! I can't use the patch because my skin reacts to it. (I feel like I've been punched wherever I put it.) I worry about some of the other things you can take because there are so many side effects. What to do, what to do, what to do... Sorry, I'm skipping all over the place. I am calling MN courts today to see how long it will be before I find out if they will open my records or not. I mailed it 2/5 and haven't heard anything yet. Of course, it's the court system and that alone generally takes forever. I just want to make sure they've received it and it hasn't been lost in the mail somewhere. Well, I've got to go...family calls...

Hi All! Thanks again for all of the well wishes and advise! I really appreciate it. Going through all of this and not smoking is pretty hard. I'm still hanging in there though. =-) John is doing better. As far as the defib guy, well, he goes to see him this Friday. I did talk to someone with the hospital and told them how snotty some of these people were. She stated that she would definately talk to them about it. It's hard, I'm not generally a nasty person but don't back me in a corner or blame me for something I didn't do...if you do...watch out! I do have to set up some appointments for myself. I definately want to get myself checked out. I'm just nervous. The doctors that I've seen are the sort that if you say you have chest pain, they tell you that "all women have chest pain." If you say that you feel your blood sugar fluctuate and that you may be hypoglycemic, They say "everyone is to an extent" so they don't check. Hopefully I'll be able to get someone to listen, I just worry about the finance aspect of it. The bills are just now starting to come in. I feel for older people who are going through this although maybe medicare/caid covers more than conventional insurance. Let's face it, 40 isn't a "typical" age for having a heart attack! Anyway, onto other things! Tomorrow I should find out if the judge is going to open my adoption records. Keeping my fingers crossed! I will definately come on and inform whether or not it's going to happen. PMA!!!

A very good friend of mine gave me some advice...really without knowing she was giving me advice. But it was exactly what I needed at that particular minute in time. She told me about "stepping back and finding the love of self to fulfill ones self". And in that one minute I got it. It was like a revelation. I am looking so hard into my relationship with J lookig for some type of "fulfillment". And when I was not getting what I thought I needed, it caused this depression for lack of a better word, this funk, that maybe she backed way off because finding me was enough for her. And I wanted more. But now, I am no longer going to look at my reunion, or lack there of, in that same light. I am stepping into 2008 looking at this as my self love and self fulfillment. Having J want me in her life would have been phenomenally great. Having my buncle and his family in my life, fabulous too. But my lightbulb above my head has gone off. And that is when I figured out that I am no less happy than I was before they arrived in my life. I am no less me for them choosing not to be a part of it. I am enriched with the knowledge that I have been given about my past. I am not angry anymore. I am not going to spend anymore time on what if or what might be. Life is too short. I am content. And for my friend who gave me this gift, I am eternally grateful.

I've responded to Jackiejdajda today. She has some pretty good stuff to tell and encourage and this is some of it that I find easy to respond to: * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 1. Stand knee deep in the flow of life and pay attention.. 2. The act of paying attention is the healing.. 3. Paying attention to our feelings and not pushing them back.. allowing them to come out and know they will change.. and we can work into and through them.. 4. Paying attention to the beauty around us.. when the going is really hard.. 5. That is me being in right now.. bringing me back.. from the dark places.. 6. I embrace the grief now.. I almost like the feeling of it.. It takes me to depths of me..Jackie..[/quote] * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * this is my reply. Its an important step in my recovery, which is why I'm repeating it here. Jackie, I have listened to what you said about stand knee deep.. and pay attention. I have and its woken me to what IS happening rather than what ISN'T happening. What I'd hoped for is now consigned to the realms of fantasy - it just ain't happening. I'm grieving the loss of what I could have been for my son, the relationship we COULD have had, but it just isn't happening and doesn't show any signs of happening either. I've spent the past few weeks embracing the grief including that of what is NOT happening, but at the same time, adjusting to the new me that is surfacing. Like you, I am pleased with the person I am finding. I go out, I notice, I make notes, I am coming alive. Brockbaby started us on 3 nice things a day. Each day explodes with 10 or more, which I put in my diary. I"ve recently been contacted by a guy whom I met last July and he phoned me last Monday. He is amazingly poetic and his poems that he emailed me have taken me to another place. I am reciprocating his poetry with depths of my own that I haven't revealed for quite some years. It may not be romantic, but it in a platonic kind of way, it is, sorta. The real me and all its facets and depths are surfacing, and I'm quite enjoying it. The feelings I faced ... well, I didn't push them back. I allowed them to surface. They were not particularly pleasant, in fact they were outright horrible. But by working through them and allowing them, they got to me a place that I am happy to be now. Perhaps some work still to be done, but I am happy, as I'm finding new facets of the person that was buried under grief for far too long. That had to stop. I have been healing since April 2006 when my son found me and I've made adjustments to relinquish the pain that reunion and his defenses are inflicting on me. Thirty years is enough thank you. No more. I'm not willing to participate in what I can only describe as a war zone. I don't want to be here any more thanks. Sorry, but change it (son) into a peaceful, gentle, considerate zone and I may just want to come and join you.... I've had too many mines depthcharge and he's left me to get on with it. Can't do it anymore. Reunions can fail and I feel that mine has. I've lost heart... but I've found something else. My son may not be coming through this reunion very well, but I feel I am. That's not gloating. I am not happy with the way I have been treated by my son in this reunion, but I am happy with reunion, what its done for me. I've grasped all that I can to heal and its working. I look at my reunion photos and think that is what WAS (the only time, nearly 2 years ago) its not the NOW (he doesn't want to see me, or is not ready). I am getting on with my life and readjusted my 'expectations' to realising that his effect on me is toxic.. at the moment. He cannot give me anything whilst he is so busy 'fighting' his aparents. I am letting go. If we contact once or twice a year, so be it, but I can't let this young man whom I gave birth to nearly 30 years ago, eat away at my very soul. I just felt that this guy I met last year, who phoned this week and we've had several conversations and emails, well, he has just put 'soul' back in me. It was unexpected and it has been delightful, for us both. I was paying attention to the beauty around us and guess what, so was he and for some reason he picked up the phone and called.... at a time I was parked in a countryside lane, 'paying attention' to the things that matter - bird song, the beauty that we search for, trees, soil, getting back to Self. I look forward to sharing with him my love of mountains, walking, coral reefs, marine life, Antarctica, the list is endless... So I guess you could say, this is me. Coming back from the dark places. I embraced the grief. It gave me so much back. It gave me me, and I'm pretty delighted to get to know her. ((((Hugs)))) to all those who are out there in their darkness. It can be worked through, be brave. It will take you to a place of realisation - what you are capable of, you will find the real you, not the one still buried and suffocating in grief. Let those on the forums be the guides that dig you out of that avalanche. Accept their help. You guys are wonderful. I could never have gotten to this place without you. Hugs and tears, of gratitude and relief Still work to do, and healing to accomplish, but look how far you've come up the mountain, don't keep looking at what there is yet left to climb. Its too disheartening. When you look back, you will see the enormous journey you have made already, the heights of which will make you dizzy. Peace everyone Janny

Or maybe it was a real breakdown. So Eli and I are not in Florida, but everyone else is :(. My mom, my dad, and my dh and dd's. Dh had a Veterinary conference and dd's were so looking forward to this trip so I made them leave very reluctantly, mom and my niece had non-refundable airline tickets..and my girls needed some Grandma time. Anyway Maya came down with the most wicked cold/sickness just a few days before she was to be moved. I actually took an hour on the phone with the SW to convince them put off the move because she was so sick and I couldn't imagine letting her go that sick. Imagine letting her go period was hard enough. Keep in mind I had a heart procedure and technically I'm still recovering. Dh took her to the Dr., finally got her away from the crazy clinic I have been forced to take her to...and to a real Ped. Anyway she got put on 4 different meds and tested for RSV. On Monday she left still sick but doing much better. On Tuesday I got the call that she was RSV positive. Well in a matter of a few hours Eli went from normal child to almost not breathing child. He was hospitalized with RSV/Asthma. It was a nightmare for him, I am grateful he is okay. Today he was released but he's still not out of the woods. We are home. I thought I was coming down with a horrible flu but it ended up being exhaustion. Feeling much better now. After nights of no sleep, holding my overmedicated toddler who gets violent/angry on steroids but we had no choice but to give him double doses of along with double of his other breathing treatment meds....it was horrible. I would hold him as he screamed, body arching, kicking, hitting me, thrashing, I'm covered in battle scars, he's got a few bruises of his own from his violent thrashing they had to put padding along everything to keep him safe. I got a call from Maya's worker in the middle of all of this accusing me of not sending clothes that fit her, diapers, or her toys. Its insane...cause I sent way more then enough and spent a small fortune on that baby. New foster mom is looking for some $$$. That is when I lost it. SW "I'm shocked this is making you upset." I'm sobbing hysterics wondering what kind of family is this taking care of Maya??? I called dh immediatly and told him that he needs to call CPS and tell them not to contact me about anything, so not able to handle it. Then the Dr. came in and told me it "wasn't the steroids this is your son" in regards to his behavior horror fits of rage that lasted hours. Don't like Dr.s who think they know your child better then you do and won't listen. Anyway Eli didn't sleep, I didn't sleep. He was okay/as in not in horrible danger, oxygen level good but sick. Since having Eli he has never gone a day without eating even when I know he is sick and he shouldn't be hungry. He literally stopped eating. He would stare at the food and scream, stare at his drinks and scream. It was so sad. Finally they let us go today, not because he was 100% but because Dr who finally realized steroids put Eli into psycosis needed to heal at home. So we slept from 7am to 3pm. And the Dr. apologized...and I realized he felt bad for dismissing me and that made me feel better. I haven't talked about why Maya was moved because it is upsetting. It was our choice-and that is the most difficult part for me. We asked for our baby to leave. Maya's mother has had a fairly good relationship with me. I went to pick up Maya from a visit 2 days before I went into the hospital and right in front of the CPS building I was confronted for a good 20 minutes with this crazy woman/a woman I had since glimpses of in Maya's mother but never full force screaming in my face. SW kept threatening to get security but never did. Finally I just got in my car and drove off with her screaming hysterics that I was going to hurt her baby. In our county they publish our address and phone number for birth parents unless there is reason not to. The week prior to this happening it was explained to me by Maya's mother that she drove by my house, knew it was big, and described it to me,s he said she wanted her boys moved to my house because it was so big. That disturbed me and I felt it was strange. She has been acting strange towards me since early December. This is a woman with gang affiliations, who since I have known her has been arrested for assault on another woman, bragged to me about getting in a knife fight with her ex husband, etc. Dh refused to entertain any other choice then to have Maya moved. We thought long and hard. Reunification is looming. But to have her moved was not something he or I wanted. However, it was our choice. Our first rule when we decided to become foster parents was that we would never do anything that would put our family in danger. It was something we agreed to early on so that when emotions were high we would follow that rule regardless of feelings. I'm very upset because I feel that much of this blame falls on CPS. Maya's mom has a mental illness, and I expect this behavior from somebody like this, but I should have been protected, our family should have been protected. We were not. So she was moved because of our counties stupid policy of publishing our address and a SW who knew this was a mentally ill, violent person, and should have requested a non publish in the first place and protected me from this mothers crazy antics. SW's stated "its better she be in an AA home anyway" as if it was because I was white. Whatever. Its just hard. I'm simply heart broken. Its been a hard 2 weeks. This is all I have time for right now. I'll write more when I can. L

Tudu if you are reading, thank you for the complement and pointing it out to me. I love his name but didn't at first, I wanted it to be Eli or Elias I felt that was close enough to his given first name. I was at a fair and went to one of those name meaning booths and did E's name, I read what his name meant and cried. I knew that was his name. So it grew on me and it is, well, him. His birth mom gave him the E name and my dh's name as a middle name. I know the middle name she gave him has a different meaning to her but I still get chills when I think about it and cried when I saw it on his original birth certificate. I had to delete my entry as there is no way to edit out his name even though there appears to be that option anyway you are one of a few who know! I hope this doesn't sound selfish but I'm thinking of delaying our adoption. As if I had that option :). We have no way of knowing when E's adoption will finalize so assuming it is done in Oct-Nov as we hope, I plan on waiting to submit our paperwork until January. I also do not want to set myself up for a big disapointment. I want E to be adopted NOW NOW NOW!!! But no matter how much I bug and annoy the powers that be I don't have much control over it and I do not want to set myself up for the disapointment I will inevitably feel if the time line drags on and on and on. I"m also considering going back to our church's agency and re-activating with them, this had been the plan we had when we accepted E both with them and ourselves, however they require E's adoption to be finalized before they will even begin our update. I don't think it will be difficult to get the agency homestudy updated as we already have one completed with them. They do not release their homestudies to any other agencies. The only reason I want to use them is because they are affordable. At this point, right now that is our problem. We still plan on getting homestudy ready for Spence-Chapin. Be active with both. of course I have to still talk all of this over with my dh who is currently at Scout Camp for the entire week w/o cell phone reception. Oh I think he is going to have some funny stories. He took some boys that have never been camping, from inner city. I overheard a conversation he had with one 12 year old who was worried about fox and racoons. Dh and I haven't had any long lenght time to ourselves since our honeymoon-9 years ago. Not even a weekend. One nights occasionally when my mom babysits for us. I had a bad experience with a sitter as a child and have trust issues with anyone and my kids for long periods so that is part of the problem. The other part is not putting ourselves as a priority. This year we concentrated on a date night, it has been wonderful. This spring I booked us a couples cruise/week in Florida and Bahamas. I have a few months to finalize the dates. I was thinking that if I have a newborn baby, let alone my little E there is just no way I'm going to leave for a solid week. I just can't-would die. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around leaving E. My girls are old enough and LOVE my mom and I know will be okay, I will miss them, but I know they will be okay and are in good hands-the only person on the planet I would leave my kids with for that long-but E, man he had a hard time when I was recovering from surgery and couldn't hold him. So if we don't go now we might as well throw it away or figure out how to take a newborn and toddler on a cruise???-no thank you, that just doesn't sound like vacation to me, more like nightmare. Dh has taken all of his vacation days this year so we would have to wait until January otherwise I would book it for late fall early December. So this brings me to the selfish part. Here I am dying for a baby making such a rush to get homestudy ready...and drum role. I think we will submit for our baby in January...there I said it, then I can go on my cruise with my dh for an entire week alone. I also need to get my butt in shape as its rather dimply and flabby and I don't want my last baby mommy pictures to be with the fat lady hiding behind somebody in the pictures. I want to be a hot mama, there I go selfish again. But you know, this is my last time being a mom to a baby and I know how fast that goes by. I hate hate hate being fat. Its uncomfortable and down right depressing. I want to feel pretty and "normal" mommy. I don't think there will be anymore kiddoes even if I want them, dh is just not going to go for it-he hasn't really said anything but I do think he is done after #4 joins our family. I have always felt there was 2 more after out little girls. I saw them in dreams and had spiritual experiences. So in a way I do feel this is going to be my baby, the baby of the family. I want to feel good in every way possible and this is a big deal to me. I gained all this weight from stress eating after not dealing well with foster children leaving. Its time to close that chapter in my life and also loose my foster care blubber. There are some big things going on with my in-laws right now. Its something I can't write about.....blah. I hate that I have to be guarded but really I can't write about this. It involves my dh, however, I will say that much, and him having to press charges...and things not going well for that person.....and it is well just a mess. This means, however, that dh will be working even more like a dog to make up for it because his parents will be going through the drama. While very real they have enabled most of what is occuring and continue to............its sooooooooooooo crazy!!!!!!!! I bought the book the Secret and I'm going to try to stay away from the negative stuff. So I am dying to write more about how much I hate some things about our life. I really dont "get" the book yet.....more updates later. For now I think I'm missing dh like crazy and can't sleep :(. He will be home tomorrow. The kids are missing him, especially E, he keeps saying "daddy work? Daddy gone?" He has cried for him a few times.

I was online looking at crib sets because C and I are re-decorating her room and I was seeing if we could find an idea of what would look good with what we want to do for our new baby. I stumbled onto a set that costs $1140. The extra sheet, if you want one is almost $200. For the pillow $100. I had to check out what a set like this looks like. It is beautiful, don't get me wrong. But really this is something your baby is going to spit up on, drool on, most likely explosive diaper on, and then if you are a "safe" parent they wont' even use most of it anyway...bumpers are "bad" and so are the comforters-I use a bumper pad but I do not use a comforter so what is the point? I mean who buys stuff like this? Well then I had to read the reviews of those who purchased this set. Here is the review gave dh and I a good laugh. comments below: "Perfect for those with taste This bedding set is simply adorable! I saw it online and fell in love! This set is just perfect! I dont mind spending money so that my daughter can live in luxery, thats what any decent parent would do." So for you all out there who did not spend over $1000 on your crib set you are NOT I repeat NOT decent parents :)! Sort of off my original topic but related, I decided to make our new babies crib set. I got all the stuff today and no I didn't spend $1140!!! Not even close :)! Hopefully I'm still a decent parent.

Dear GOD please help me to help that dog! Fri. was fairly average...did all my usual routine, and worked on taxes. Hottie got home about 1:30p.p.m., fixed him lunch and we visited about his meeting. I was looking out the living room window and notice 2 dogs in the back yard, Jim got up to look and noticed it had a tag on the collar. I went out the back porch, and the dog came to me and I noticed how his ribs showed, and got the # off his collar. Jim put on his coat, after I called the owners, and he was able to put one dog into the back of livestock trailer, we could not find the other dog. 15 minutes or so later the neighbor,Barb, whom I spoke to on the phone, pulled into the drive, and pulled over to the livestock trailer. I put on my coat and was taking the open can of dog food to give to her so she could give it to the dogs. Barb got out of the passenger side, and a young man, her son, Jarod exited the drivers side, I started to tell her i had not had a chance to feed the dog, when I noticed Jarod opening the back door to the trailer.......GOD PLEASE HELP ME TO ERASE THE PICTURE!!!! I saw Jarod, step into the trailer, and grab the dog by the collar, he pulled the dog to the door,holding it by the collar....what I saw next, will never go away from my mind, and my heart is so sad, I feel so helpless. He pulled the collar tightly while twisting it, raised the dog up and slammed it to the ground, I began screaming, and cussing as loud as I could, but it was as if he heard nothing....he started punching the dog with his fist , in its face and head, probably 6,7,-10 times, I was screaming, Barb was standing in front of me acting as if this was normal, I told her to get out of my face, and to stop that little bastard from beating the dog, she calmly asked me if I wanted the dog to run way again, I told her to shut the f**& up, and told her if her child ran away because it was hungry, would you beat the child for that, again told her to get the hell off my property, she kept telling me I was acting insane and hateful, all this time Jarod is fisting this dog, twisting it in the air to flip it over to the other side, and continued to punch it in the face, and in between the punches he started kicking it in the ribs, and stomach, I was screaming at him, looked for my cell phone to call the sheriff, it was not on me, I hollered for hottie, and he could not hear me screaming, by the time he heard me I was coming for the house to call the sheriff. When he threw the dog in the back of the truck, is when I noticed the other dog, in the back hunkered down. I immediately called the sheriff, could not reach a deputy, but a lady took my complaint, and said she would have someone call me back and she would locate the animal abuse hotline. I have not cried that much ,that hard, I could not breathe, my hottie tried everything to get me to calm down...I could not, I was shaking so badly, I felt like I was going to pass out, I could not get any air, nothing would stand still, I could do nothing...About 30 min. went by, then a deputy called,I could not speak to him, hottie relayed what happened , he just told me to come down next week and give a statement...I could not believe it, this is what they were going to settle with. THEY WEREN'T GOING TO COME CHECK ON THE DOG, ARREST JAROD, NOTHIN...NOTHING...! They did not even leave a hotline #. I found one myself, and called, they told me to call the sheriff back and tell them to go take photos and check the dog, to see what condition he was in. They said they would try to get ahold of an emergency handler in our area to go see about the dog, if the sheriff thought it needed to be removed, if not it would be Monday before they went to see the dog. The humane society abuse unit is in St.Louis, 3 1/2 hours away! I have not slept, I cannot stop seeing him hitting the dog, kicking the dog, hitting, kicking, over and over, it will not leave my mind! I keep thinking these dogs may not make it til Monday, i keep thinking I need to sneak over there and take the dogs...even though I know this is illegal...what am I supposed to do...The movie keeps playing over and over, it won't stop....GOD PLEASE HELP ME TO DO THE RIGHT THING...PLEASE KEEP THOSE DOGS SAFE...THE BEATEN DOG, GIVE HIM RELIEF FROM THE PAIN....GOD give me the courage to do what I should do...please GOD make this insanity stop, please take the movie from my head, I no longer want to see it..it is haunting me..I can't do anything,.........

To make a decision, based soley on a persons word, that one has never met...will be her,the prosecuting attorneys, decision she must make to prosecute this case. She will need a higher power to guide her, for I know as well as anyone the courts dockets are jammed to the brim, with cases that warrant the states attention...at least more so than an old dog, whom was beaten! I wonder if she could possibly understand how badly this dog truly was beaten, to see it with ones own eyes, is horrific, but to look at it on paper, is quite another story! When I went to the police station, I went so knowing this would not be easy, and understanding that there may not be ENOUGH, eveidence to warrant getting a search warrant, just so they can take a vet to check the dogs. To get the warrant to even have the dog checked...the prosecutor and judge have to issue it...they do this on MY word! The 3 sherriffs, and Brian from abuse investigation unit out of St. LOUIS, all told me this may not get anywhere, because it boils down to who the courts, believe. They asked me why I felt they would believe me and my story? I simply, with great exhaustion, simply stated why they should believe me.... I told them that I was doing what was right, by calling the number on the collar. I told them that I knew there would indeed be RETROBUTION! I told them, I am fighting to save an old female , tired, hungry, hound dog...she will probably not live another year. The retaliation, that we will indeed recieve, would cost my husband and I thousands of dollars, and many many more, sleepless nights! All looked at me as if they were confused, so I simply explained my beliefs...Jarod and Jarods friends would retaliate by killing some of our cattle, I told them the last time, years ago, Jarod had mudded in our crop field, and gotten his truck stuck, he and friends had been doing this for quite some time. We had called the sherriff in to witness this and talk to Jarod. I at that time had never had any knowledge of Jarod..only knew he was a 19 yr. old muddin in his truck. After this incident, 2 weeks later, we found 6 cows dead, in our pasture, that ajoins Jarods Dads' property line, his Dad was still alive then. The sherriff and his deputies, asked how I knew or"we' knew it to be Jarod and his mudding buddies? I told them I had no proof, but since the ajoining fence lines also connect to another neighbors farm, who had cattle..none of which were harmed, this was matter of deducing. Also informed them that each night after the mudding and the law being called, these teens were coming to my house at 12-3 a.m. pulling into our drive , honking, and revving their engines, then spinning out and leaving...I was alone because Jim worked 51/2 hours away and was gone sunday even.-thru thurs. even. 2 weeks ths happened and that is when Jim found our cattle dead. These cows were 2-3 yr old cows young, no reason to die, and the neighbors had no dead cows. They asked if we got a vet to come inspect the dead cows? I told them no...because a vet has to be called in to check a cow, within the first 24-48 hrs., especially for insurance to cover...these cows had been dead by several days past that time frame. I explained my husband has no enemies, causes no trouble, and no-one else would have had reason to do so. So, I felt that with the retaliation, the thousands of dollars we WILL lose, along with the trauma I have endured, some one needs to take me serious. The last question they asked was, if this gets to court..will I be there when needed and follow through without dropping the charges? I answered with what I knew needed to be heard...YES,whatever, whenever! I truly do not fear ...anything, nor anyone...never have, and never will. I think one whom grows up and becomes accustomed to abuse, really never fears alot of anything. My thinking is when you are abused in life growing up from day one to the age of 14, one really has only one way to choose in living the remainder of their life...either become THE ABUSER...or...Vow you will never abuse another living creature,forever. I chose the latter! I will nver except abuse, witnessing, recieving, or any form...if there is breath left in me! Yes, the cost will be high...but I cannot allow this poor ole beaten hound dog to be beaten! My Dad was a man whom loved his dogs, he had 3 dogs, and each of them were named from a previos 4 th dog..all of them were named Renney! Renney1..2..3...and last 4. The first Renney was an amazing mate fo my Dad. He was well behaved,he walked by my dads side..or behind him, he never walked in front of him, nor tripped him, he was faithful in all aspects, he remained protective,and never left our property,...then one night we came home and Renney was not on the front porch, we went to the back porch, and Renney was lying ight in front of the back door, wounded, lying there in pain, my dad called someone and they gave him medications,he was taken inside layed on blankets, and tended to for 3 days,infection from bite wounds, and poison he had injested, Renney had no more fight left in him...so my Dad picked him up, and carried him outside, he came back into our house, and took his 308 rifle out , he slowly walked back outside to where Renney lay, he knelt beside Renney ,kissed his head, and stood up, and shot once into Rennys head, he turned around and i saw tears.....I had only seen my Dad cry 3 times that I know of! 1 time when his Mom died, 1 time when he came to me and asked if I wanted him to take me to childrens services to live with another family...so that my mom could no longer abuse me, he said it was the ONLY way he could protect me, for he had to go to work to put food on our table...then the only other time...was Renney! I will fight this with all that is in me...I will fight this for this old dog, whom has had no doubt many many beatings before...I will fight this,because in my heart it is the right thing to do, but mostly...I will fight this for my Dad! Dad, if you can hear me, I love you, I know Renney is by your side, never walking infront of your feet, and I know it is what you would want me to do.........It has been an endless nightmare since past Friday, I am so so tired, I feel beaten up, and I feel empty, I will survive, for this I am sure! I just do no know how to survive the replay of that memory...over and over again...will that memory ever fade? On the 25th of this month, my twin sons I relinquished will turn 23 . My life is full, it is filled with sadness, and anger...for now! My life is blessed, and I am thankful to have each day, and 1 more! I have walked many miles on my journey....but none have been worth more...than all 3 of the sons, GOD gifted me with....if only for the 4 days of the twins could have lasted to now, my life would pretty much be dang near perfect!

I am so stressed and I love Billie so much,but mentally I don't know how much more I can take..We adopted her when she was 11 and now she is 13. She was a fosterchild before and we have had her almost 5 years. She was in 10 foster homes before us in a 2year time.Where she would get moved by telling her social worker she wanted moved and they would no questions asked. Well we have had legal issues with her after the told us she was bipolor and put her on meds..But her therepist had been telling us for 3 years she was a RAD kid and i thought enough love and attention would make this better.. We placed her in a treatment center because her therepists said she needed more treatment. Well social services new she was a RAD kid and a drug baby before we adopted her but failed to tell us..She is in the center and has rufused All family counsling and ALL visits with us.We still have custidy and she has so much power..She has ran away in the last two weeks twice the first time they let her after she cut her wrest and hands..then this last time Saturday she was drinking doing drugs and had sex with a boy that is 18 and has made up more storys.. Our therepest and others have told us things will only get worse..And we should over turn the adoption because of everything.. I know I am going to sound like a heartless person but I am afraid of losing my other children because her storys have hurt everyone in the family.And it is so hard to believe her..Her storys are extreme but she can't keep them straight..