[img]https://adoption.com/community/PF.Base/file/attachment/2017/02/a6be241a1245812cc5ae144ba890b6b1_view.jpg[/img] I told myself I wasn't going to reach out to them. As I looked at their names, I reminded myself that the whole point of getting my original birth certificate was to learn my identity and do some genealogy. Now that I had names, I could figure out my ethnicity and have a lot of questions answered. It didn't make sense to reach out to these people who---most likely---wouldn't want a relationship with me. But something Mary----my birthmother---had said in a letter to me all those years ago, kept echoing in my head: "My middle son is very excited to meet you someday". She explained that she didn't have much contact with her other two children, but that this particular son knew about me and apparently was at least somewhat pleased about my existence. It took me about 2 weeks of thinking it through, and wondering if I could cope emotionally with being told again that I was not welcome in someone's life. When I finally decided to take my chances, I sat down and wrote a letter to my brother---Don. I must have written about 7 different drafts, showing each one to my ever supportive husband, who finally deemed the last one "not overly emotional or rambling". With the support of a dear girlfriend who had been cheering me on through this journey, I finally worked up the courage to put the letter in the outgoing mail, and prepared myself for a less than positive response. It was almost a week later, while I was I on vacation with friends, that I received one of the best emails I've ever read: "I'm so happy you found us...we have so much catching up to do.....can I call you?" Within days, I had spoken with both of my brothers, Don and Ron, on the phone, and had exchanged emails with big sister Ava. I don't mind telling you that I was thrilled to learn all three have a wonderful sense of humor, and of course, most amazing of all.....they have welcomed me with open arms. It's as if my appearance has been completely natural to them. I honestly have been so touched by their kindness that it has more than made up for the sadness I felt so many years ago when 'our' mother chose to stop contact with me. The outcome has been better than I could have ever hoped for. Mary is not yet aware that we are in touch with each other......Because her contact with her kids is infrequent, I am leaving it up to their discretion if or when they want to share that information with her. In the meantime, I have spent the past few months feeling more "whole" in my heart than I ever have in my life. Pieces that were missing are finally being put in place. And as wonderful as its been, something else amazing is about to happen...... I'm meeting Ava face to face this weekend. http://simplysnarky.blogspot.com/2016/12/i-told-myself-i-wasnt-going-to-out-to.html

17-Jan-2000 I found out Jan. 2 I'm pregnant and was shocked. I moved into Gladney where I've decided to live. I pray for self-forgiveness for what I'm about to do. I moved in today having made the agonizing decision to give you up for adoption. I picked up my four-year medallion the other day at my AA meeting. My sister decided not to raise you after I asked her initially. My friend Jan and my boss think I should raise you. My friend Sheryl says all this will bring me closer to God. Why can't God and I just have lunch? 18-Jan-2000 I had dorm orientation tonight. Andrea in Admissions gave me a sweet card. I got to talk to the doctor. Tomorrow I meet the Transitional Care staff person and move my furniture to storage. I found out they give you 48 hours after birth to change your mind. I wish they didn't because I'm afraid I will. I crave bread a lot. 19-Jan-2000 My furniture got moved. I got to have a counseling session. Tomorrow I see the doctor for the first time. We got two new girls in. One looks like a model. I thought about writing my dad. I wonder what he'd say about you. 20-Jan-2000 I gained 40 pounds. Now I'm 186 pounds. I saw the doctor today. I'm due Aug. 2. I had a good day at work and did a couple of photo shoots. I haven't gotten the nerve to read "What To Expect When You're Expecting." The doctor said I could take one of my medications while pregnant. I found out I'm about 12 weeks along. 22-Jan-2000 Your birth father has been sweet all day. He says pregnant women are sexy. I don't get it. I'm huge. I saw a kid celebrate a birthday last night and thought "I won't be there for that." I couldn't look at a baby commercial. One of the girls, age 15, had her baby. Another came back after having a C-section. We had three births this week. 23-Jan-2000 My suitemate and I had a good talk. She's in Narcotics Anonymous and lives in Louisiana. The father of her baby also lives there but they can't locate him right now. Tomorrow I see the doctor. I slept too much today. A friend of mine's going to take care of my dog. I'm worried about labor. 24-Jan-2000 I went to the doctor and tomorrow I meet with the insurance lady. I looked at profiles of transitional care parents and saw a 15-year-old have a nursery visit with her baby for the first time. I can't imagine being that young and having this decision before me. It's hard enough at 33. 25-Jan-2000 We had a dorm meeting tonight. I felt out of place. I'm the oldest one here. My suite mate and I are the only "old" ones here. She's 28. Your birth father, Jon, made me dinner. I met with the insurance lady. My boss is being nice. She and a co-worker offered to give me baby clothes. I came up with a bunch of baby names; more girls' names than boys.' 31-Jan-2000 I heard your heartbeat for the first time today! I got examined and got my prenatal vitamins. At first the doctor couldn't find your heartbeat and it scared me. I've gotten to be good friends with another girl here. A 16-year-old changed her mind. I dreamed I met a woman with 11 kids. Next month I'll find out your sex. Hearing your heartbeat made it seem real, really real. One resident said she might let her aunt adopt her baby. Another girl's due Friday. The 16-year-old came back after delivery and was walking funny because of soreness. It made me wince.

1/29/05 My boys are playing in the room with me and they just shut the door and started laughing! How can that get any better?? I have had so many thoughts in my head and have not had time to type them down. We are 35 days until TPR for D. I am so worried that it will not go thru. If it does not then it will be fine, I will be fine sooner or later. I'm glad that we have provided him with a great home and lots of love, so which ever way it works I just want him to have a wonderful life. B finally had a visit after month of not seeing his bparents. I do not understand how a bparent can claim that they love them and want them back and miss them and yet don't show up to see them. WHY would you do this to your child. A child who did not ask for this and by any means does not deserve this. I don't know if I'll ever be able to understand what they are thinking. B's bfather told me at the visit this week that he saw us at court and that he couldn't get their on time because of the bus. Catch an early one, get a ride, call a taxi, I know you know how because you've done it before. This is your child, come on. They need you to get it together. Before you all think bad about me and say I have no compassion..................... well I don't sometimes. I do if this is your first dealing with CPS or you don't beat your kids or do drugs while your pregnant and claim you don't. I do understand that people get into trouble and need help. When this is your 5,6,7,10 child no I don't have much compassion for you. For your childern, yes all in the world it is not their fault. Yes I am grateful that you decided to have your child and I know that if it wasn't for all those things I would not have had all the amazing kids in my home nor would I hopefully be adopting my two boys. To sum it up................... it is a double edged sword.........................

http://community.webshots.com/album/288517160YgeSgq I'm trying to flesh out the one that I drew last... it's going to be either a Bronze of a Greenish-Gold... not sure which (Chameleonesque?). I might just draw up another one, I'm getting frustrated - overworking one again. erg. I found the griffin and am liking him - he's kinda sly ;) Today I'm bugged by the 'real mom' thing on Sunday. And finding out mom withheld info about my bson. I feel as though she likes to control the information I get on many things ("I didn't want it to upset you") but I"m a grownup and it's not for her to withhold. He's in town - not calling me... Long story. Sunday was a bchild day for me, the stars lined up and spelled: Contact Birth Children Week. I'm so angry I could scream.

I sent Courtni out to check the mail, and there it was! The Childrens Home Society sent the consent form for me to sign and have notorized. It is now 3:13p.m. and I am going to try and make it to the bank, and have it done so I can mail it off first thing in the morning. Patience has never been one of my strong points. I am so excited. I don't know why. I guess the thought of knowing my information will be there waiting for you when your ready. Courtni knows about you and is almost as excited as I am. She is so funny in that when people ask her if she has any brothers and sisters she says..." Yes, I have 1 brother and 1 sister." I have explained to her at length that you have a family of your own. That you were adopted as a baby. She of course wanted to know why and if she would ever be able to know you. I explained that was up to you and God. She is far too wise for her years. I think most children are. We adults don't give them near enough credit. Kids are so perceptive. I have never lied to my kids. I don't believe in it. I ask them to be honest with me and to lie to them would be a tad hypocritical. I promise never to lie to you if you come asking questions. I am sure that some of your questions may be difficult ones, but I will try my best to answer them. I also wouldn't blame you if you were or are angry with me. I won't give excuses for what I did, but tell you why. I have to say I have no regrets other than not having an open adoption. Closed adoption is far too difficult for all parties I believe. Forms about forms needing to be filled out before you can know what color hair someone has. I wonder sometimes how it would have gone had I had an open adoption, but one could look back and what-if all day long. I look forward to the future. Graduations, marriages, grandchildren...all of it in due time.

Sleep would have been a gift, and fortunately I got almost five hours of it, although it's questionable whether they did any good. Five hours usually isn't enough for me, but I guess I will take what I can get. When I awoke this morning, I remembered I was dreaming that my boss had asked me to map out where all of the co-workers in my department live, then scan in that map and hyperlink their names on top of the location of their homes. Keep in mind that this doesn't have any remote relation to the type of work I do. I also found it odd, after laying in bed for about ten minutes and thinking about it, that of all of the things I could have been dreaming about, I was dreaming about work. Not this beautiful baby we're about to be introduced to. But work. The human mind works in mysterious ways. Finally at 5:30 I gave up on the idea of sleeping anymore, and stumbled out of the bedroom, of course accidentally making enough racket to wake DH in the process. "Do you want the remote?" It's the first thing he says to me almost every morning, because we sit in bed and watch the news together as we're waking up. No, I wanted him to go back to sleep so I wouldn't feel guilty about waking him up. I'm accutely aware of how often he gets sucked into my neurotic behavior, and it's something I'm making a serious effort to curb. Once I convinced him that it was fine for him to go back to sleep, I made it out here. Now the trick will be to occupy over three and a half hours before our meeting with the social workers.

My search has been put on hold for financial situations and I am really upset about it. I dont know as of now when I will be able to start with the investigational search but I guess I've waited this long, I'll just have to wait a little longer. I've been seeing alot of stories on TV about adoptees having feelings of abandoment and rejection, it worries me so much that my bdaughter would have any of these feelings. If she is feeling anything like this, I do not want her to go another day, hour , minutes or seconds thinking that she was abandoned or rejected by her biological father and I. She is loved and has a family that is so eager to find her and shower her with so much love, she wont know how to act. So to you my child I Love you, I miss you and want so very much to be apart of your life. You were never rejected or abandoned, your bio father and I were just kids in love ourselves and too young to be parents. Him and I are on great terms with one another, well especially since we have your sister together, which you would love to meet and be apart of her life as well. I bet you and her look alot alike. Please find me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To your adopted parents, I do not want to take your daughter away from you, I just want her to know why she was adopted and answer any questions that she may have. I know she is your daughter and you've raised her and I cant begin to tell you how much I Thank You for that but if you had a child that you carried for 9 months and really didn't want to place for adoption then you would want to know that child and eventually be apart of that childs life too. I was told by the agency that you said you would always let her know that she was adopted and let her know that her birthparents loved her and that you would give her the letter that I had wrote to her when she turned 18. I do hope that you did follow through with this, because if not there is a good possibility that she maybe having feelings of rejection and I know that if you loved her, you would not want her to feel not even a ounce of pain. These are my thoughts and I'm pretty sure there are alot of other bmoms and dads that feel the same and please do not feel threatned by me, I only want to meet my first born.

I LOVE them!! They are such upbeat and really nice people. They came by my house today to pick something up. Their grandson's had basketball games down the street from my house. I had some pictures for them from when my mom, Aunt Betty and I went out to lunch. I know they are heading out to Montana in about a week and a half so I wanted them to have them to take with them. My uncle walked in and said, "WOW! I can't believe how much I see Diane in her. I didn't see it before as I do today." Then Betty said she knows, when we went to lunch she was amazed at some of the similarities. I thanked them so much. Uncle Red went on to say he even saw similarities in Tarryn to Diane and Amy. As we were talking I was standing on one leg, I had the other leg bent at the knee with my foot on the other foot. Uncle Red pointed it out to Aunt Betty and said, oh my gosh, look. I thought it was because I was barefoot and I know Diane said as a child she never had shoes on. I realized it was in the way I was standing. It was such a neat moment. I think you want to have a connection to this person because this is where you came from. You want desparately to see similarities. There are children who look nothing like their birthparents and have nothing in common with them, but there is something in being adopted, I guess it deals with the unknown, that I think it is even more important than if you were raised by your biological parents, that makes you want to connect and bond. You look for a common thread of yourself. All I know is that it made me so happy for Uncle Red to say he saw a lot of Diane in me today and then the way we stand. You couldn't have given me a better present than if you went out and bought me one. I can't remember the last time something got me so excited or brought such a smile to my face. I feel wanted. They are wonderful people. Don't take me wrong, everyone has made me feel wanted. Diane has been incredible, I am amazed at how far my grandmother has come. I just think that my great aunt and uncle have the least amount of baggage to deal with. This has brought back memories of the past for Diane and my grandmother. There is so much more for them to process through. They have been so wonderful and open though. I admire all that they have done for me. Diane is a very compassionate and giving person. Everyone has gone out of their way to help me with all of this and give me identity and answers. I love each and everyone of them for their help and open hearts. Carolyn

On September 6th about 6:30pm my husband and 2 children were over at my ex- husbands house for reason that I cannot get into. My husband received a call on his work cell phone. My husband looked at the # that came up and asked if I knew who it was and I told him no, well he didn't answer it. This person was very persistant and kept calling back, well after about the 4th time this person called and hung up and called back, I told my husband to just answer the dang phone. He answered and the person on other line asked for me and I was thinking who would be calling me on my husbands work phone. I said hello and I heard her voice..... It was her my daughter!!!!! She went on to say that her name was Krystle and she was adopted and she was on the internet and found all my info on this website. According to her info and the info on adoption forums, she had pretty good reason to beleive that I was her birthmother...... I was freaking out to say the least. She was reading all the info that she had and I'll tell you what, it was like I was dreaming, it just didn't seem real. Everything she told me matched perfect with mine and my ex-husbands info. It was her, my search was over, she had found me!!! I just couldn't beleive it. I never, ever in million years would of thought that she would be the one calling me. I always had this vision of me finding her and having to call her instead of the way the it happened. The really crazy thing is that I was at her biological father house and I havent been to his house in about 2 or 3 years and she called when I was there. Another thing that is really weird about it is that I named her Crystal Rae and I thought that the agency that I went through told the adoptive parents what I named her but they didn't. The adoptive father when they were in the process of waiting for their baby, he said if they got a girl he wanted to name her Krystle!!!! That is the most craziest thing ever, she was definitely meant to be a Crystal or Krsytle. That night we talked on the phone for awhile and then sent pictures back and forth on the net. She got to talk to her sister Melanie, that she didn't know she had. She got to talk to her birthfather, it was a miracle by no mistake. I have talked to her on the phone a couple times since then for hours and we e-mail one another almost everyday. She looks almost identical to her sister, they are 3 years apart. She is beautiful, more beautiful than I ever imagined her to be. We are soo much alike it's kinda weird and she is just like my other 2 kids. We are all going to meet one day but Krystle is not ready yet, which I understand it's a very overwhelming thing for all of us. She is very busy, she is in her second year of college,(which I am so proud of her for) and she works and has a serious boyfriend and she has her parents that have loved her very much growing up. I spoke to her mother and she said that she was their miracle and I beleive it!!!! I told her that I had been searching for her since she turned 18 and she had been looking for us too. I told her about my journal here and she said it was so sweet and she printed it out and said she had started a book. I just cant tell anyone how amazing it feels to finally find the child that I have been longing for all this time. To you my daughter, I love you and have never stopped loving you, your are a beautiful, intelligent young woman and I'm so happy to finally know you.

I got some paperwork my amom's lawyer had. He's long retired and deceased, but I obtained them. I found out my Birth Name, Baby Boy Wheaton. The Baby Boy first name will make it very difficult to obtain some things I might have gotten away with if I had a real first name like hospital birth medical files, and a chance at the original Birth Certificate, but at least I know! Still waiting for the state to respond and send my registration to Hillside Children's Center (the adoption agency that now has the adoption records). People adopted in the Rochester, New York area, or whose bmom's were here, expecially in Rochester Maternal & Adoption Service, Inc. (later renamed Northaven, Inc.) please PM me for some potential resources. This is a lot of work. It's emotional, and time consuming. I hope it results in a good relationship with my bfamily! :-) Just knowing something, anything, is better than not knowing though, no matter what I find.