[img]https://adoption.com/community/PF.Base/file/attachment/2017/02/a6be241a1245812cc5ae144ba890b6b1_view.jpg[/img] I told myself I wasn't going to reach out to them. As I looked at their names, I reminded myself that the whole point of getting my original birth certificate was to learn my identity and do some genealogy. Now that I had names, I could figure out my ethnicity and have a lot of questions answered. It didn't make sense to reach out to these people who---most likely---wouldn't want a relationship with me. But something Mary----my birthmother---had said in a letter to me all those years ago, kept echoing in my head: "My middle son is very excited to meet you someday". She explained that she didn't have much contact with her other two children, but that this particular son knew about me and apparently was at least somewhat pleased about my existence. It took me about 2 weeks of thinking it through, and wondering if I could cope emotionally with being told again that I was not welcome in someone's life. When I finally decided to take my chances, I sat down and wrote a letter to my brother---Don. I must have written about 7 different drafts, showing each one to my ever supportive husband, who finally deemed the last one "not overly emotional or rambling". With the support of a dear girlfriend who had been cheering me on through this journey, I finally worked up the courage to put the letter in the outgoing mail, and prepared myself for a less than positive response. It was almost a week later, while I was I on vacation with friends, that I received one of the best emails I've ever read: "I'm so happy you found us...we have so much catching up to do.....can I call you?" Within days, I had spoken with both of my brothers, Don and Ron, on the phone, and had exchanged emails with big sister Ava. I don't mind telling you that I was thrilled to learn all three have a wonderful sense of humor, and of course, most amazing of all.....they have welcomed me with open arms. It's as if my appearance has been completely natural to them. I honestly have been so touched by their kindness that it has more than made up for the sadness I felt so many years ago when 'our' mother chose to stop contact with me. The outcome has been better than I could have ever hoped for. Mary is not yet aware that we are in touch with each other......Because her contact with her kids is infrequent, I am leaving it up to their discretion if or when they want to share that information with her. In the meantime, I have spent the past few months feeling more "whole" in my heart than I ever have in my life. Pieces that were missing are finally being put in place. And as wonderful as its been, something else amazing is about to happen...... I'm meeting Ava face to face this weekend. http://simplysnarky.blogspot.com/2016/12/i-told-myself-i-wasnt-going-to-out-to.html

I woke this morning with a very heavy heart. I just can't help myself from worrying about all the "what if's". I know about all of the things that can go wrong and I really become scared. I worry that we will not be able to find a child that is 3 years and under to adopt. Sometimes I feel very guilty that we are searching for a child that young. Especially since there are so many deserving kids that are older, who needs a loving family. I just want to raise a child from the younest age possible. But, on the flip side of the coin- I know in our hearts that when we find that special child we will just feel it in our hearts, no matter what age they are. I feel guilty because we do not want to foster-to adopt. I know that my husband and myself want a child so much that we would fall so deep in love with the child that it was kill us emotionally to let the child go. I think our heart can only handle adoption.

Wow - Four-C is great. They emailed me a list of day cares that accept DCFS funding, and that are open nights and weekends. So far, I found two in my city, and 5 more that are in close cities to us. Not bad at all. Of course these are day care homes. We will have to research the trustworthiness and credibility of them when the time comes in two years.

Native children are languishing in state care in unthinkable numbers, far higher than ever lived in residential schools at any one time. Canada remains so traumatized by the sixties scoop,Ӕ the widespread adoption of native children into white homes, that it allows the native children of today to grow up without a permanent home of their own. http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/opinions/editorials/native-children-also-have-the-right-to-parents/article1833657/

By Trace A. DeMeyer (aka Laura Jean Thrall-Bland) Ok, you may remember me writing on my blog I wanted my adoption file. (My Top 5 ReasonsӔ, www.splitfeathers.blogspot.com) Back in September I had mentioned this to Jackie, who I visited on my recent mini-book-tour. Jackie helped Ben get his adoption file so she gave me the email for the state office in Madison, Wisconsin. I live in Massachusetts so this was super-convenient. Id simply write an email! Wisconsin, by law, allows adoptees in a closed adoption (like mine) to request and receive their non-identifying information. You simply fill out their form and request it (and pay them $75 an hour). Let me clarify: your non-identifying information is a bit of history with no names. It will not help you locate your tribe or your missing natural parent(s). In fact, itҒs so vague, its really no help at all! I decided to request my identifying information (aka the real deal, my sealed adoption file.) They emailed me that I would need a court order. I needed to fill out their form, have it notarized and mail it back to them so I did. Within a month, I spoke to a woman on the phone who proceeded to fill out the paperwork for a court order. She would present it to the judge and I didnҒt need to be there. Now this was weird. She asked me why I wanted my file. Why was this so hard for me? I have a million reasons. But I didnt know what the judge wanted me to say. What was a good reason? I said I wanted my adoption file to help me understand my early history and where I was the first months of my life: that is what I think she wrote down. (I told her I was nervous). Ok, IҒm sure the most used reason for such a request is the need for family medical history. (I could have said I was nervous dating strangers who might be my real brothers but this was too twisted a reason for a judge. And Im married.) There are many good reasons, yes. But what did the judge want to hear? I didnҒt know. If the judge read my form, hed see I already knew the names of both my natural parents. (Remember I read my adoption file when I was 22.) Heck I knew their birthdays and when each of them died. So like all adoptees, I waited and prayed. The un-named judge would review my request. He or she could deny me. But the judge didnҒt. Because I wrote my birth parents are deceased that is why I believe the judge granted my request. It֒s only a guess. And if they considered my age 54, I֒m no kid. Maybe that is why. So this white envelope arrived the day after Thanksgiving and I was too emotional to open it. Yes, I was a wreck! I knew it would hit me like a ton of bricks. It did. My friend met me for breakfast on Sunday morning and since Loud Blood is an adoptee, she said she would read it to me. That was better, we thought. It was best to do this with a friend who was also adopted. So she read and I cried (in a restaurant!). The worst part was not my crying. There was family history on one page and a small post-it note that said the next part was not on microfilm. I did not receive the entire context and testimony my natural mother Helen gave to the social workers. So I am processing that I am the daughter of Helen - who, by the way, did want to keep me. This broke me up so hard - my emotions are still ragged and raw. It was 1956 and she was not able to keep me, no way. So, if someone in Wisconsin does want to do this - and if they need tribal information - it is on the form in Wisconsin and the only way an adoptee can do this is through a court order. And pay $75 per hour. When I was 22, Id asked a judge to read my file but the one I have now (this file) is different than the one he let me read. He had more legal paperwork in his file. The effect on me now is greater - plus my fathers version was different than my mothers. One of the reasons I didnҒt mention: I was in a foster home. Who were they? Now I have their name and address. That was huge for me. Now I know where I was the first days and months of my life. I feel so fortunate, so blessed I was able to get my adoption file when so many are still in the dark about their identity and name. Every adoptee on the planet deserves this information, absolutely. And it's criminal that we can't in all but 6 states in the USA. PS: I do not have a copy of my OBC- original birth certificate. Wisconsin said I'd have to get it from Minnesota where I was born. Minnesota is a sealed record state so I may never see it. Lauren, blogger at Baby Love Child, emailed: 6 states have unrestricted access- Alaska and Kansas never sealed, Oregon was opened by the ballot measure appealed up through the courts; (Bastard Nation, among others, were very key to sparking effort) Alabama, New Hampshire and Maine all opened legislatively. The other conditional access states, IL, TN, & DE all continue to treat adoptees as second class citizens, forcing them to jump through hoops like confidential intermediary systems and parental vetoes. The states and their subcontractors- often religiously based maintain control and dole out whatever number as they see fit. TN has actually criminalized contact if a veto was signed. OH, MI, and MA all have tri-black hole systems, that grant access to some at the direct cost of access for others. None of them can be considered "open records" states.

I love coming to this place in the last 9 or so years it has been my retreat ....... what I have learned has overwhelmbed me at times. The friends I have made makes me feel like I belong someplace ..... I thank you Chickie Donna Mar........ MN you helped me grow them BALLS /.........Dkm you showed me life can be normal having all your kids live in the same house. I know I can be so harsh about adoption sometimes and I dont mean to be. But I think that all parts of the triad need to remember that they are a part of something else weather by choice or by chance...

I write here today, because I awoke in such a great , energetic, happy mood, checked into the forums, and was so totally floored by a certain member, that attempted to clean the floor with a reply in a post I made...meant for Firstmoms, I as usual ..with stupidity thought I could finally post where I could tell my true feelings about my twins. Not so, these forums, I had always felt were for ALL of us to come learn, vent, cry, listen and hear, others and their journies. I thought, since I had no one in my everyday world to open up to about my journey with the twins, this was a perfect place to come to. I have always enjoyed coming and listening, responding, and sometimes give gut honest opinions...I thought that was what the forums were for. I will come here now, for I know I am safe here, I cannot hurt anyone here in my own journal world. I still can purge my pain, feelings, and love that are deep inside me..without being told I have no right to do so. It has taken me 45 minutes to stop crying..thank GOD my hottie is hauling hay, for I would not like him to see me this upset. He is such an amazing gentle sole, he made me feel like a queen again this morning. We have now been married 10 yrs. I have only had 3 partners , and all 3 have been husbands. So I am not the most experienced at telling whether he is the best(especially at 62 yrs old), but I can imagine none any better. We enjoy trying new things,and always have the best time doing so. I must go take a tractor to the field..I just needed to come to my safe place, and get rid of my anger/sadness, from realizing this place is not for me..the forums that is. I know when one comes here, the adoption journeys are not always a pleasant happy place, quite the opposite actually. I knwo that we all have differing opinions, and because the subjet of our lives is adoption, there will be advers opinions that will cause some heated replies. I just thought ALL were welcome to have their voice heard...in a respectful manner...I was wrong!

I've recently more been connected with my maternal uncle. I have 2 older half-sisters, 4 uncles, 2 aunts and a bunch of cousins. Looking forward to learning more.

Hello, Everyone. Before my father married my mother, apparently he fathered a son who was born in Baltimore, Maryland in October or November 1958. I would like to try to locate this person. He has six half-brothers and sisters who would like to meet with him. Thanks.

IT'S ANNIE RIGHT NOT TO CALL OR WRITE , BUT AIM BROKEN WITH LOVE!WHAT EVER WILL BE, WILL BE.IT JUST MAKES ME SO SAD. LOVE TO ALL. NANA JANE

WOW!! What else can I say! I love those guys!!! I guess I should say girls! I love all my kids, but my older ones who are "real" people in their own right now, are pretty flipping amazing. Carolyn

How quickly I forgot what it is like when someone close to you dies. The people you always thought would be there for you are unable to be found, while complete strangers offer up compassion and caring. I am at a loss and feel completely alone. I don't know why it is hard to be here for me, I don't talk about her non-stop. It is actually something I talk very little of. Maybe a "I really miss her", and a few times I get choked up a little, but really, just knowing someone is with you is really all that is needed. I think that many times people think they have to say or do the right thing. They are so scared of the subject, they stay away all together instead. Sometimes it is just the quiet coming along side, knowing they are just "there" (physically or emotionally) is all that is needed. We don't need to talk about it, we just need to know you are there. It is amazing how many people you lose, other than the one you physically lost, when someone dies. Sometimes that is even a harder loss. The one who died can't help it. Carolyn

Well my sister inlaw had another girl....number 4. My childrens birthdays are 3 weeks apart with my birthday in there to but that is irrelevant to me because it is all about my boys day. I hate to say this but my sister inlaw hates that I sometimes am more important than her which is not my agenda.....only hers. For some reason I had the first grandchild which she is still angry about for some silly reason. When we began to have problems conceiving our second child she was rather insensitive with responses that are still hurtful to this day. And then I had to hear all about her next child and look at emails of the ultrasound that really set me off. But anyway that is history. She was always good at keeping the births of her 3 kids during the fall months since my kiddos were in late May and June. Well I am over sensitive about the entire issue of not having anymore children and try to understand when friends and family become pregnant. But I felt it was a slap in the face when she kind of said she was pregnant in their Christmas card.....We all had to guess. She never sent any emails which is probably a good thing for me....kept me a little more even with my thoughts. But the looming thought of another baby coming is hard to forget when you can't have more and feel powerless. Dh is so understanding but still in the middle of the night you begin to doubt yourself and so many other things.....but then it goes back to my 2 wonderful boys I have and then I fall asleep with this smile on my face. I feel that my sister in law decided that she needed to be in the middle of my family so her 4th child (she has 2 boys and now 2 girls) was born in between my boys birthday. She knew that I would love to have more but cannot because we cannot afford another adoption. I know its all about me and that I shouldn't feel that its all about me but I am having this pity party about me.....lol I have never wished anything bad about my nieces or nephews(I love them all) but when it makes me sad its hard to go forward at times. Thats just me.

Note: This is not directed to anyone here. I just have to write to get this off my chest. Thanks! Carolyn How can you tell me how to grieve and what is correct etiquette and incorrect etiquette on grief and death? Hmmm, who have you lost in your life? Right, NO ONE!!!! Screw you!!! You still have both of your parents, you have never lost a spouse. Yes, maybe an aunt or uncle, friend or grandparent, but you still have your parents, your children still have their father. No, you have no concept of what I have lost and you never will. You don't know what it is like to lose your father, only to come back from the funeral and not even a week later have your husband go in the hospital and never come home again. And while your husband may die one day befoer you (who knows, you may go first), your children are raised, you will never know the fear of raising them alone and trying to figure out how to fix their world, because even though I just lost my father, I was 33, they were just children. You will never know what it is like to have both of your parents gone by the time you are 42. I know that there are those who lost their parents much earlier than me. I don't pretend to know what they are going through. At least my father walked me down the aisle, my mother got to see all her grandbabies. I cannot comprehend their loss, so why do you think you can understand mine and then to tell me I am right or wrong or am doing this incorrectly? Then I love that you have no idea about adoption on top of it all. Oh, you've read this and read that and you know all the answers. I love Diane and she is my first mom, who I love with all my heart, but you don't just go *poof* and magically all the years of history are there and she is your mother. She holds her very special place in my heart and in my life, but mom is my mom, as Diane is her children's mom. While we have a bond, I think we understand that there are differences in the relationship and I think we understand this. (which is really all that matters-what WE understand) I love her, she is one of my moms, they each played special and important roles in my life, but people like you, who are not involved in adoption, say stupid things like, "Well, at least you still have your REAL mom." My mom was my real mom. You just don't get it on any level, do you? So until you have lost all that I have lost, (this doesn't include my miscarriage and my best friend who was murdered by her boyfriend while I was on the phone with her in high school.) don't pretend to have any idea of what I am going through and the audacity to let me know that I should be feeling this way or that. Talk to me when both of your parents and your husband are dead, okay!!!! *Again, this is not to anyone who comes here. The person I am referring to does not even know this site exists, so if you take offense or think I am speaking to you, I am not. I just needed a safe place to vent where I know they will never find it.* Carolyn

I have an appointment with our GAL, who we have chosen to be our attorney for our adoption. He was the reason things progressed when it came down to it CPS's legal team is ummmm pathetic, so anyway I am excited to get everything done and finalized. Things have been challenging since baby girl left. I have had a rough time with missing her. It through me into a depression. So I got my heart fixed and all excited to be "normal" then all of the sudden in follow up appointments my blood preasure that has always been fine was through the roof and I began to have major health issues that Dr's couldn't figure out, all asked me "any chance you could be pregnant?" To which I laughed and said "no". I had what I thought was the worst period of my life, I nearly passed out from the blood loss and was anemic for several weeks, yes, thats right it was a miscarriage and I didn't even know I was pregnant, i felt like an idiot for not knowing and then wondering if I was to blame, but after finding out that i was pregnant I was told absolutely no giving birth for me, honestly for whatever reason I already knew this a long time ago and accepted it. I mean I did have moments of sadness. But I have 3 beautiful children, and two children at the time I found out originally and accepted no more giving birth, adoption is not a 2nd choice just another way for us, not a biggie. I was sick through both pregnancies and it was hard and I did not "miss" the pregnancy part of finding my Eli, however, loosing Maya... Its been a killer. I can't do it again and so I thought okay this is a sign, I really feel we have one more baby coming to our family, this means I will just give birth. Then my inlaws were idiots, so not worth repeating. It was just a crappy month. I don't know if I am capable of going down that adoption road again. Emotionally draining. So for our family are taking a step back and just loving our kiddoes. I'm taking care of my needs and healing from these wounds. I wish I had more time. but Kids are needing their mom. :

This reunion business can get a bit heavy and I don't know if this is going to be a phase or whether things will change, but I'm kinda getting on with my life and the whole idea of having a son that appears to be trying to self abort has made my mind shut down and I feel as if all of this 'never happened'. Its a weird feeling. I'm feeling the benefits of working through reunion and the emotions that its brought to my table to address and I'm feeling as if I'm coming out of all this good. The shame of it is, I don't get to feeling its the same for him. My son however (that still sounds weird, as if 30 years nearly has gone under the bridge of time and I'm still finding it hard as a single 51 year something to be thinking of myself as mother, even now. Maybe because when I speak to his amom, she seems to very composed and in control as if she's been a mother all her life and I guess she has. I conversely have been one for ... er.... 22 months. Kinda.) Start again, my son however, is still not working through his pain. I'm not even sure he's facing it, or maybe he is, as after one week, the drinking had stopped but came back with a vengeance and last Saturday when I spoke to his mom, she said that it was wonderful for a week, he was a different person, but now he's back to it (after celebrating his brothers birthday with them, down the pub) and he's making himself ill, the drinking is making him ill and yet he emails me to say that he's working (and drinking) hard... for the money... which I presume he's spending on... drink. Oh yay, help. So, after my sister got a bit bitchy on the phone to me tonight and left me feeling 'well stuff you', I came to the realisation that life actually could be simpler than this. I drew a bin in my diary and put arrows to it and with the word WORRY with a circle drawn around it, I put it in the figurative bin and left it there. I am not prepared to worry about him anymore, or others that are draining me. He has to make choices. He said that he had 'lost the struggle with the booze', so I emailed him back with: [/quote]you haven't lost the fight with the drink, it is a step back, don't dismay, its a war and you are going to have many battles, one you will win, another you may lose, but its the overall war you are out to conquer.... keep goin'... when you are fedup of being your own General, call the AA troops - they know how better to fight it. If it means a difference to you I will come with you to your first or any meeting you want me there... I am sleeping more peacefully at night these days, because I have stopped taking responsibility for the decisions that only he can make. Yes I feel bad about his being raised by someone else, and I saw children today that reminded me of my own feelings about that loss, but like looking into a car's rear view mirror, I just have to focus on the view ahead. If I keep looking in the rear view mirror, I will just crash and its only there as a way of moving forwards, with an occasional glimpse in it, to make sure you keep moving forwards and keep the right pace..... ya know what I mean... So, what decisions will he make? When will he be ready to make them? Will he drink himself into an early grave or will he revive in time? Only he can know this, so as cruel as it sounds, for today anyway (at the time of going to press....) I'm shutting off and going to bed. Sleep well y'all. Something strong has hit me and its quite a good feeling. I'm more in control. I'm pacing my emotions. I'm not freaking out when he does or doesn't call. I have a distraction, someone is becoming important in my life and he sent me a text... would you like to go horse riding with me sometime ....? Kinda nice to get some attention instead of always giving it...

My family does not realize how important it is for me to know what God has done with the children and how He has taken care of me, as well. I am so glad for everything that is going on in my life right now, I can hardly believe all the changes within that have taken place in me. God is good, and He is really doing a work in me, IT is a sight to behold. God is good. I am grateful to have this place to write and to be where God wants me to be. The weight has not come off entirely, and it is no longer troubling me. It will come off, when my eating gets better, or when I find something that will cleanse me entirely. I do not know.

April 16, 2008 Dear M, I know! I know! I should NOT be sending this letter to you as you have not yet contacted meօ believe me I have debated with myself for over a year now! But as you will see (I hope!) I really needed to write this to you. And I am so sorry to hear that you have no interest in having contact with me at this time Ŗ or maybe never that wasnŒt the reply I was hoping for, but I will respect your decision and try to understand where you are coming from! But I will always be here when the time right for you, as long as Im alive. I wonҒt keep you apprised if I have any address changes (not that I have any changes planned!), as you can always reach me at l@xxx.com email address, should you decide to pursue a relationship at a later date. As I said, I needed to write this letter to you after almost 15 months of not hearing from you so please bear with me! I apologize for not heeding your request and invading your privacy again, but I need to let you know all that I֒m about to write. I realize now that my first letter must have caused so many feelings facing you for the first time as an adult, maybe you have never thought of the possibility of me finding you, have never dealt with these feelings long buried feelings and wanting to protect yourself by distancing me as much as possibleŅ perhaps everything from fears to unacknowledged anger, or just not ready nor interested!! I was putting so much good energy into my letter to try for a positive reunion with you, M - that I didnt even THINK of how you would respond. I apologize for my earlier letter and ask if we can try again. ItҒs a journey and it takes time. Give yourself time Your happiness is THE most important thing in the world to me and I donŒt want to jeopardize that! In this letter Im going to try and convey to you why I searched for you, since you questioned that in your letter - and what a hard reality it was at the time of your adoption. I have so many feelings and emotions that itҒs really hard to put them into words. As I was writing this letter to you, so many blocked off memories came flooding back to me. Im not very eloquent in my writing, so please bear with me through this letter, as this is totally from my heart and soul. You probably have no memory of me or any point of reference. It is different for you than for me. It is obviously a very loaded situation for every adoptee҅ especially, if they feel they cannot reciprocate the same intensity of emotion that they feel their birth parent has for them. And you have moved on in your life, with your own identity and circle of family and friends. You have no emotions tied up to me as I do with you, as I will try and explain my feelings in this letter to you. I realize that now, M, that I HAVE complicated your life. This has probably shaken your world and I just dont want to do anything that will scare you off҅ and I didnt want you to think that I didnҒt care You had it all arranged, and your emotions all in order. You knew who you were and were comfortable with that. Now you have to deal with emotions you have never felt and thought you never had, and having a possible relationship with someone you donŒt consciously remember! I realize you are perhaps afraid, and fear makes us defensive. And I understand why you might be angry. I DO see it from your point of view, but I didnt realize you would think I was breaking some kind of ғagreement that I really never signed! So first I need to correct a couple myths about your adoption. When I relinquished, there was no such thing as ԓsearching and ԓreunion. Adoptions were closed, period. I imagine that your mom and you have assumed that because the adoption was closed, I could not or would not search. I imagine that you believed that a closed adoption is or should be closed forever and that by agreeing to a closed adoption (as if there were any other option at the time), I agreed, as your Mom put it in her October 2006 letter, to have It sounds like I have a different interpretation of it than you and your Mom. I wasnt made aware of being a party to any agreement to never search for you or try to have a relationship with you when you were an adult. I agreed to not parent you, and I didnҒt nor am I looking to be a parent to you now. I still have that original copy of the adoption papers that I signed on June 2, 1969. I can even give you this piece of paper if you like. So Im not really sure ғwhat your parents were told at that time, but IԒm sorry to tell them that I never signed such a piece of paper of no searchӔ. Im truly sorry that you felt angry and upset that I broke this so called ғagreement. While I have moved on in my life, had a career, etc Ԗ I kept you in my mind, but did not dwell on your life and our circumstances, but I have never forgotten you. In fact when you were 5, I asked the Agency if I could somehow get a picture of you but your mother refused, I guess thinking it was better for me. And then in 1991, when you were 22, I again contacted the Agency to ֑see if you were searching, but alas you werenҒt and then the internet was born! And in 2004 before you turned 35 years old I tried again! I contacted the Dept. of Children֒s Services in Los Angeles and received your non-identifying information; also, this is where I received the letter that your mother wrote to me before your first birthday. And I told my family that I was starting a search for you, and they were/are all supportive! Now I felt like a caged bird set free free to speak of my secret. Just to know Ŗ some scrap of information would be a gold mine after all these years. I searched on my own for about 2 years, and then found a search-angel and suddenly, I had all that, and seemingly as quickly as it came in, it all went out again. I waited nearly 35 years just to know your օ I didnt know a single, solitary thing about you Җ and then, all of a sudden in a matter of hours on May 16, 2006, I knew more about you than I ever dreamed possible! I knew your I knew you were Ņ The other myth is from your letter of January 28, 2007: mother.Ӕ M Going through an adoption was probably the hardest thing I have ever encountered in all of my life, but I thank God that I am able to look back on all of it and smile, and forgive myself that the past could have been different. Of course, there will always be that little ache in my heart, but it subsides in knowing that you are enjoying a much better life than I could have ever offered you at that time in my life. When I was in high school, it seemed like every other week there was a new rumor going around about someone else being pregnant. I was always under the false sense of security that only happened to other people. Never in a million years would something like that happen to me!! I managed to graduate from high school sans child, and I even made it through a couple of years of college. But then suddenly one day, my whole world came crashing down. My life was changed forever. I was angry. Not angry at you, the child, for coming into existence, but at myself for being so irresponsible. I knew I had several options to choose from, but it has always been my opinion that everything happens for a reason. For some reason unknown to me yet at that time, this child (you) was supposed to be here in this world and I didn֒t feel that it was my right to deny this child a life. It may have been more convenient to choose abortion, but I ruled that out very quickly. My next two choices were either to parent, or to choose adoption. When I thought about adoption, it didnt really appeal to me. I thought to myself. It just didnt seem possible. I had a few friends who were adopted, but they never talked about it. In grade school I remembered a girl up the street who got pregnant in high school and chose adoption for her baby. It was all very mysterious and then they moved away. That was the extent of my knowledge about adoption. No more, no less. Parenting my child seemed to be the best choice to me at that time. I thought for sure my parents would help me, and besides, I knew people MUCH younger than 21 who did it. But their reality of life was extremely difficult! I told my parents that I was pregnant, and needless to say they were not at all pleased. They told me they would support me emotionally, but due to financial hardships, since my father had just graduated from UC Davis and started his veterinarian small animal clinic, with debts from school and five children to support would not be able to help me. If I decided to parent this child, it was going to be solely up to me. I would also need to find arrangements for my child while I worked. My plans of finishing college would have to be put on hold for a day when my child had grown up and I had time, energy and money. When they put it to me hard and the cold reality of the time, I was crushed. I could not understand how they could be so cruel!! It took quite awhile, but after I stood back up and REALLY looked at my situation, I could understand where they were coming from, and my inability at that time to provide for you. It was going to be all roses and sunny days҅ my parents had 4 more children to take care of financially, specifically for their education. It was not at all fair for me to expect them to be secondary parents to my baby while I finished growing up and preparing for my future of going to school and getting my education in my chosen field. At least that is what society said to me a na֯ve, unknowing and trusting girl barely out of my teensօ So in mid-February, 1969, I went awayӔ to St. Annes, a home for unwed mothers in downtown Los Angeles. It was run by Catholic nuns; although not Catholic, they accepted me. At least I learned a little about the Catholic religion while there; and learned how to knit! My afghan turned into a king-size blanket! And I met so many other girls there from all walks of life. I donҒt believe anyone of them was keeping their child so sad when I think about it now. As much as I hated to admit it at first, adoption was probably the best decision for my child and myself, considering my circumstances, and the œtime period and how society felt about illegitimate children to unmarried women; letԒs not forget that it was a different world back then. did not yet exist. There were no programs in schools for pregnant teens. A pregnant girl was not even allowed to finish high school, let alone go on to college. Not only was there a stigma against unwed mothers, but there was also a stigma against their innocent childrenpeople took illegitimacy seriously in those days. Jobs? What kind of job could an uneducated, unwed mother get? Sad to hear that now in this time and age the narrow thinking of the ב60s, isnt it? Back in 1968 there were no resources for unwed single mothers and oneҒs child was labeled a bastardђ. I did not want you growing up with that stigma of being a bastard or illegitimate child. I wish I had had the courage to strike out on my own, unfortunately I had no financial means, but also lacked the vision, courage, conviction, confidence and willingness to make the sacrifice that such a decision required. I have regretted it these past 38 years. I have always regretted not having the courage to get myself properly sorted before you were born and for not having the courage to stand up to my parents and society in general. Its easier said than done in hindsight and I have to live with it but if I could go back and change things I would have parented, unfortunately there are no do-overs. I am tired of feeling like I am a bad birthmother. These feelings come from a society that did not realize ғwhat adoption did to all concerned. And the guilt of shame that they put upon us. Guilt is about the things I do Ԗ such as getting myself into a situation to get myself pregnant to begin with; shame is about feeling badly about who I was and am as a person somehow less-than and not worthy. Shame drove me to do almost anything in the world to avoid feeling badly. It has finally been lifted and I now have some empathy/sympathy for that lost young woman in the ֑60s, who looked for love in all the wrong places and terrified out of her mind, chose the easier, softer way, some would say. I will always be the bad abandoning mother. I had no clue what it was going to do to me to relinquish a child, my child, part of my very being... a part of my fabric physically, emotionally and spirituallyօ Sorry, getting a bit raw here I am emotionally loaded writing this and have the belief that the truth may be thick in the beginning but it has a chance to thin out as time passes! I have moved past that point to a place of healing. But I truly want to be honest with you, M, so I need to write this to you. I value honest feelings and mean no harm, I just want to be heard for who I was and am and what I feel. I am sorry I could not parent you, but I am content that you had the life I wanted you to have, and a life I could not give or provide you at that time. Years ago I thought I was doing the right thing for us both but it probably wasnŒt and I wonder if you will find it in your heart to forgive me? I did the best I could with the knowledge that I had at the time. And I have forgiven my parents for back then who surely believed in their hearts that encouraging me/us to relinquish was the best thingŅ they were unable maybe and unaware of the life-long ramifications that would result. It was how things were done, as awful as that may have been; I trusted in them and forgive and understand how society/social mores were back then; as forgiveness and understanding seems that they will lighten the load and allow for more joy; letting go of the anger brings a freedom of spirit Also, I chose adoption, I could be assured that my child would have both a mother and a father who were always there. If I kept you, you would have had no father figure. That was one thing that really made me sad. I tried to imagine what my life would have been like without my father! My father was always there when I was a little girl, and through my teens, twenties, etc through more than half my life time before he died in 2000. While I was staying at St. AnneŒs, he would take me to the Los Angeles Kings ice hockey games on weekends when they played in town, which I looked forward to each time and dearly loved! And have always kept this in my heart! I he still loved me even though I was going to give up his only grand child for adoption. I was Daddys little girl. Without my father, those happy and fun memories wouldnҒt be there. And maybe youd have brothers or sisters. If I ever had any more children, it would be years down the road. They would not at all be close in age. I chose adoption, my child would be guaranteed a good life. A life without poverty. I chose adoption, I could complete my college education and prepare myself for a successful future and become a productive member of society. I could concentrate on school and a part time job and not have to attempt to fit parenting into that equation. Adoption was of course the logical answer for my situation. They (State Dept of ChildrenҒs Services) told me adoption was the best choice. I did what everyone said was best for my child at the time, and times dictated adoption. I was unmarried and though 21, was not prepared to take on the responsibilities of being an unmarried mother. They told me my baby would have two loving parents, a good home and all of the advantages I was too young and inexperienced to provide at that time with no money for medical expenses that might come up, food, shelter, among other things. They also told me that this was an opportunity for me to go on with my life finish school, find a loving husband and have other children. They didnŒt tell me about the haunting dreams, the unanswered questions and terrible ache that remained with me for the rest of my life. They didnt tell me that you can never replace that lost child. The only problem was my aching heart. I wanted so badly to be a good mother to this unborn baby that was kicking around inside of me. I would love her beyond comprehension. I would do everything in my power to take care of her and to be a good mother to her. But the fact of the matter was, MY BEST WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Not at that point in my life and not in that period of societyҒs denial of unmarried women raising their own child in a one parent home. Yes, unfortunately it like that and only 38 years ago, so hard to believe but true! Thankfully, the stigma has definitely changed by leaps and bounds and thats a good thing! Hopefully your views arenҒt just black and white on relinquishment. Theres an excellent book called ғThe Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler Ԗ who is an adoptee herself and it opens the eyes to the realities of what I/we went through and that we did have feelings when we relinquished. I hope you֒ll give it a read! Since I loved this unborn baby already to the incredible great extent that I did, I wanted only the BEST for you. The BEST most beautiful baby nursery. The BEST foods. The BEST medical care. The BEST schools. The BEST neighborhood to live in. And I wanted the BEST parents for you. Sadly, I knew I was not that nor could I have provided you with all of that. My love would always be there. But love doesnt put food on the table. Love doesnҒt put clothes on your back. Love doesnt pay tuition. Love doesnҒt keep the house from getting broken into because youre forced to live in a bad neighborhood. Love doesnҒt buy toys, strollers, cribs, bottles, medicine, etc. It is not my familys or friendsҒ responsibility to provide me with the cost of living. Nor is it the responsibility of the government and tax payers to take care of my situation because I chose to be irresponsible and bring a child into the world when I was not ready or capable of taking care of her on my own. Yes, I could have taken this baby home from the hospital with me and I could have made it work. I could have gotten by, but thats all IҒd be doing is JUST getting byӔ. I am not the type of person who settles for second best. Just getting byӔ isnt good enough for me, or a child of mine. My child deserves better. You deserve better, M! But I changed my mind every other day at St. AnneҒs. One day adoption seemed like the best decision I could ever possibly make, and then the next day I was adamantly against it, trying to convince myself that I was going to be the perfect mother (amidst the unicorns and fairy godmothers running around in the front yard of our palace). Hopefully someday you will come to understand all the reasons why I could not be a good mother to you at that time, and why I chose adoption and the family that you are now a part of and will be, M! It was in no way because I didn֒t WANT you. I wanted you [u] than anything in the world, but first and foremost, I wanted what was best for YOU, and someday I hope you will know and understand that. Yes, it WAS the hardest decision Ive made in this life time; and I came to the realization that I COULD get through this. I wasnҒt going to become severely depressed for the rest of my life, I wasnt going to fall off the deep end, or lose my sanity. Yes, it was hard Җ and I cried until it seemed like I couldnt shed another tear. During all those years of silence there was no one with whom I could share my guilt and pain. I donҒt even remember the next 2 to 3 years after your birth, it was like I was walking around in a fog. I experienced overwhelming heartache and missed you more than anything in the world, especially your first birthday and all of the birthdays to follow. Mothers Days were hard, and so were the many holidays when all of the family is together. It always feels like someone is missing. You learn to deal with it though, and light a candle in my heart and mind for that precious child that I not only gave life to, but a wonderful life to live in. Memories donҒt cease to exist just because we have no tangible items from a specific time in life. I loved you so much, but there were no options for me to keep you, so sadly I gave you up, hoping that you would be loved as I loved you. My love and you will always be a part of my heart. Quote from Pascal On the early evening hours of May 14, 1969, the most beautiful baby girl was born. After quite a few hours of labor (!!), I went in about 12 noon and you were ԓbreeched so they wanted to wait until you turned around on your own. Unfortunately, you did not. I guess you wanted to jump into this life feet first! And you finally (!) arrived at 5:25pm, all 8 pounds 4 ounces and 20 Խ inches! I finally got to set my eyes on you the little acrobat who used to do somersaults and high kicks around in my belly while I was trying to sleep so many countless nights. I֒ll never forget the sound of your very first cry. You were more perfect than I could have ever, ever imagined. And so tiny! When they placed you in my arms for the first time, I felt such a sea of emotions. But then IԒd suddenly become so sad as I remembered I wasnt going to get to take you home with me. I forced myself to concentrate on your glowing smiles, and the dreams of a great family for you were going to come true through adoption. I thought it might make it even harder to part with you if I spent too much time with you in the hospital. But the fact of the matter was, I had already grown attached to you throughout my pregnancy. I didnҒt want to risk the regret of not having spent time with you, so I had the nurse bring you to me the next day. I was there all by myself with you for a few hours each day before I had to leave St. Annes. I stroked your soft light brown hair and touched your warm little cheeks. Every so often you would flash a beautiful little dream smile at me. You were an unexpected, but very loved, and a very wanted miracle. I whispered to you that you were the most beautiful baby girl and told you how much I loved you. Those three days that I got to spend with you were the best days of my entire life. I wanted those days to last forever, but sadly I knew they would come to an end, and all too soon. IҒm forever changed. If I only understood what a huge price falling in love would carry. As a result of my mistake, I had been stripped of my dignity, my self-esteem, and my faith and trust in others. Most of all, Id been stripped of my motherhood when I left St. AnneҒs. I didnt like the idea of just leaving you there in the hospital, I wanted to be the one to hand you over to your adoptive parents and to say my final goodbye to you. I always knew saying ғgoodbye was going to be painful, I just didnԒt know it would be to this devastating degree. This pain is so intense it takes my breath away҅ but I must endure the pain of relinquishment. And thankfully, I did get to say goodbyeӔ when I signed the adoption papers on June 2. They let me see and hold you for a whole ten minutes and I whispered to you then Id always love you and that I [u] find you one day and you gave me the biggest smile I had ever seen. Perhaps, that is one reason your letter sounded so angry to me Җ that I didnt find you sooner - ?? Җ or maybe not! You were only 18 days old, so I dont know if you would remember that; but maybe you did subconsciously! But those last moments of your smile never left my memory even when everything else was buried. It was 38 years ago on May 14, 1969 the most precious gift of love was given to me by God. The only child I was ever to have. I decided unselfishly to give my beautiful daughter whom I named S C up for adoption and be M K. To a good life I was unable to provide at that time. I gave my heart away. No one, unless they have ever actually done this, could EVER understand the strength that was involved to walk away from that Van Nuys adoption office that day. ItҒs part of the mystery of adoption, M, its part of how we donҒt really understand what adoption is or how it effects all the people involved. I believe theres so much emotion in adoption that itҒs hard for anyone whose life has been touched by it to step back from their own experience, perspective, and opinion to recognize that others may see things very differently. As you and your mother do. Each one of us have quite different fears and perspective and each one should be recognized! I just held my breath and held my head up high and prayed to God for strength. I managed to get through it, but I know it would have been twice as hard if I didnt have so much support and love from my family and friends and especially God. They really carried me through it all. Not a day went by that I didnҒt think of you in some way, shape or form! I am extremely proud of my decision because it worked out so positively for everyone involved. You won! You were part of a loving and stable family. You went to good schools, had awesome vacations that I could never have taken you on (I hope!). A mom and dad and tons of extended family who all love you so much. Your adoptive parents won. Their dreams of a child became a reality with my gift of love to them. They got to be proud parents of a beautiful child, when they once thought it was an impossibility. I won. I got to continue my college education, found a great job, traveled a bit, and finally met the man of my dreams who is my soul-mate. Had I not made adoption plans, my life would have taken a completely different route, to different cities and I might never have met my soul mate, L and had the life I have now, and you yours. After all is said and done, I can proudly say that I have no regrets now that I know you have been safe and loved and I am very content with my decision. Unfortunately, I did not have any more children, but I consider myself a natural-, first-, birth-, biological-mother (which ever way you prefer to call it!), but I become a . But you are right too! No one has ever said ֑Happy Mothers DayҒ to me You wondered what made me decide to search. I canŒt remember exactly why I went looking for you was I looking for answers, was I looking for a piece of myself that had been missing for 36 years? I thought of you so often in the last few years, wondering and pondering what your life is like now, what I could have done to have kept you but knowing that it was impossible, but mostly it was my promise to you when you were only 18 days old! I needed to know I did the right thing and that the people who wanted a daughter so desperately were good and loving. I gave you up because I loved you so much it hurt. Today I listened to a song that was playing on the radio when I left the adoption agency that day Ŗ Gale Garnett sang and I cried and cried. ItԒs amazing, though 38 years have passed, the hurt was still so deep that I almost couldnt breath, as my life had changed forever on that day. I had a flashback of that afternoon minute by minute. It is amazing how one song from the ґ60s can bring back such memories! Ive learned from the adoption forums that birth mothers protect themselves from the pain that we go through by distancing ourselves from that one instance, that one moment when we loved our children more than life itself҅ sometimes its the hardest thing to do for us to have to go back to that moment Җ thinking that no one will ever know the pain, the hurt, the feeling that we were abandoning our baby (when we did it for the best of reasons). And the fear that our child will not understand what we did and the reasons that we did it. It was really important to me, because I needed to know that you were alive and safe and healthy and loved. Imagine not knowing for so many years it made it very difficult for me. I just want to share that with you, M, so that you can understand , even though the adoption was closed, I took the risk of opening it up ֖ not to be another mother to you, not to ruin or complicate your life; never meant to cause harm; I never meant to hurt anyone either. But to know that you were okay and perhaps, if you let me, to get to know you and allow yourself to get to know me. You hear all about kids being kidnapped, found dead, etc. I wanted to make sure you were not one of them! Or you could have been in Manhattan on September 11th. I am SO thrilled and relieved to find you alive and well!! But from where I stand, it seems I did both. This was my intentions! You are an adult and I probably should have waited until you searched for me but at the time I wasnŒt sure if you even knew you were adopted and that was why you werent searching for me. It has warmed my heart just to hear from your mother, and the little that she did tell me about your childhood! But I know from what she did tell me that you did have a good life! You wanted for nothing and had/have a loving family! You have experienced things in life that I would never had been able to give you the opportunity to do. Also, I need to let you know that I had NO idea that your heart condition was so serious! I was only told that you had a very tiny hole in your heart, and it would ғrepair itself and I need not worry (but of course I did). I couldnԒt believe what you had to go through in your early childhood years described by your mother in her letter to me! And am so glad to hear that it didnt hinder you whatsoever! Thank you, Jesus! And since in your letter you mentioned that you did not have medical information Җ here is what I know no genetic diseases in my family, except for a condition I have inherited from my maternal grandmother ֖ retinal degeneration of the eyes. It only happens to olderӔ people in their 80s and on, but I was diagnosed with this in 1976 at age 29 (I guess Im just an ґold soul); the best way to describe this retinal degeneration - itҒs like if you pull chewing gum and holes appear as you stretch it further this is what happened to my retinas. I did have cryo-surgery for both my eyes in 1977 and through the 80s had laser shots into my retinas to repair any new holes or tears appearing. As of the early 90s I have not needed anymore laser shots, but do have yearly check ups on my eyes. So I would suggest that you see an eye specialist doctor in retinal diseases to have this checked out. I wanted to mention that I did send a letter to the Adoption Agency in 1977 telling them about my retinal degeneration, and I֒m hoping that your parents received notice of this. I had a complete physical when I turned 50 (10 years ago) and the Doctor said I was a perfect specimen of a healthy 50 year old femaleӔ. Now I just have the beginnings of osteo-arthritis in my hips and neck so you will need to check out your bone density, etc. My mother has the same problems and received a new right hip at 80 years old. In late-2005 I started to lose weight. I was 150 plus a few pounds (my husband is a great cook!) and I was losing like 2 pounds a month. Finally in April ֒06 I went to my medical doctor, who suspecting leukemia, then sent me to an oncologist and then went to five different doctors in 8 months. And after lab and blood tests too numerous to count, and dozens of x-rays and MRIs, the Doctors couldnt figure out why I was losing all this weight, as all the tests came back normal. I now weigh about 110 lbs Җ and feel terrific! Maybe the weightђ was from carrying this weight on my shouldersӔ (your relinquishment) and finally after starting my search for you it was just lifted off of meօ I dont know, and neither do any of the doctors! So here is a list of known medical information: no diabetes or high or low blood pressure, no epilepsy, asthma, emphysema or other lung conditions, no tuberculosis, stomach, liver or gallbladder diseases, no kidney or bladder conditions, no blood disease, no heart trouble (but my father had a heart attack in Ғ84 at age 67 and had a quadruple bypass; and lived another 16 years, dying of inoperable lung cancer at age 83. He was a heavy smoker from very early on in his life.) No high or low cholesterol, no heartburn or ulcers, and no migraine headaches. Basically, Im pretty healthy with no problems! I hope this helps you with your medical history, and if you have any specific questions, IҒm here for you! Unfortunately on June 8th, 2007, I learned that my sister, M, has been diagnosed with lymph-node Stage 2 cancer (groin/abdominal) and started chemotherapy treatments; she finished her last month of treatments in October, 2007 and the cancer has shrunk quite a bit, so that is good news! And her doctor says this is hereditary. M I know that I֒m a stranger to you but I had a bond with you for 9 months and the 3 days after your birth. Fortunately for the both of us ֖ two of the most wonderful and loving people on this earth raised and loved you! It really wasnt about what I ғneeded or ԓwanted to do Ԗ it was what YOU neededӔ! Did I walk away? No, of course not. Did I want you to spend the rest of your life away from me? No, I didnt. I never want to replace your parents, I just want you to know me for the person that I am ғthe birth mother who loved you more than life itself. The birth mother who protected you while you grew in my stomach. The birth mother who thought about what was best for you. The birth mother who loves you today, tomorrow and always. Yes, I relinquished you, but it was a rejection. It was done out of love for you and hoping youԒd have a better life than what I could give. I tried to make the best and most loving decision I could for you, M. It was a gut wrenching decision and NOT easy! I was able to place you with a family that has loved you and did their best. I always carried you in my heart I thought about you throughout the years; I prayed that you were safe, healthy and loved! And am SO glad to find out that you were! It has brought me a lot of peace of mind to finally that you were actually alive and have the life I dreamed and hoped you would!! You have the ֓say in what happens now, as you mentioned in your letter, as I had the ԓsay when I relinquished you! I most certainly WANT you in my life Ԗ you mean the world to me! I would love to have a friendshipӔ with you. You dont need another mother. Karen IS your mother! I cannot ever replace your mother and your mother cannot replace me either҅ And I must say she is a very loving, protective, and caring mother, as I found out just talking with her on the phone. I am happy to hear she considers you her best friend. Whats that saying? You have a wonderful family Җ and dont need another one, but one can never have enough friends Җ yes? And that is ALL I want from you, M, a friendship. And again I am SO sorry that I threw your world into turmoil and made you angry and upset with me when I first contacted you. I never realized that I would do this to you. Please believe me! I thought youd be thrilled to finally know I was still out there Җ as I felt, when I found out were alive out there somewhere! What a sigh of relief that was after 35 years of not knowing. But now after talking with other adoptees I understand that your feelings and emotions normal for adoptees regarding reunions with their birth mothers. Maybe feelings of betraying your Mom and Dad if you spoke with me; the only parents you have known that have been good to you, there is also a loyalty issue. Their feeling threatened, circumvented, and excluded. Perhaps some self-protection from your feelings of rejection and maybe some sense of betrayal at having been given up. A sense of unreality about me you know nothing about. Thats the last thing I want anyone to feel! Actually, I really donҒt know and probably shouldnt guess, eh? Do I want too much Җ probably. Did I hurt you yes! Can I fix it ֖ no, probably not! And this letter is probably a help either since you did ask me not to contact you. I truly hope this letter does not hinder our communications, as I do not want to chase you away either!! I just wanted you to know all that IŒve written to you maybe it would help in your decisions ֖ and I needed to tell you all this, if you never do consider having contact. So now that I have forgiven myself, I wonder if you can ever forgive me? I hope so, as I did the best that I could 38 years ago. We did the best we could and if we did not do it right then, we were in a place where we did not see how to do it right! Society at that time said that, but is it true? Surely, we are older and wiser and donŒt buy that crap! I getӔ the guilt part, but Ive had to deal with it Җ finally! Time has a way of changing. Remember the only constant in life IS change. Why live a cookie-cutter life when there are so many more fascinating things outside the box? Much of life IS chances we take, the love we give when we dont think we ever had it in us! Life is chaos҅ hope and love. Relinquishment is still the most painful thing I have done, but I find comfort in knowing your parents opened their hearts and home and raised you as their own. I do hope one day you will understand that my head wasnŒt messed up I wasnŒt drugged out, or an alcoholic, etc. I did this because of my love for you. I also hope one day your parents will know that I do understand they your parents and hope I get the opportunity to hug them both. Yes, I have love in my heart for them too, they love my daughter and they protected her. I can tell that your parents care about me. You were raised with full knowledge of your adoption and they shared my heritage, Latvian with you; that makes me truly happy, M, that your mom told me about this in her letter and you in yours. And since you knew that, I thought you be open to contact! Again, M, I am truly sorry to throw your emotions into chaos and made you SO angry with me! I now understand that your feelings and emotions normal for adoptees regarding reunions with their birth mothers, as I said before. There are two books that an another adoptee mentioned that might also help. Both are by Nancy Verrier ֓The Primal Wound and the sequel ԓComing Home to Self. Maybe it can help you to understand your angry feelings, and other emotions you might be feeling But IԒve heard that the first book I mentioned is pretty raw and candid! You have to kind of pick and choose what applies to you. And when your mother said Ԗ I did not realize at the time that your mother meant herselfӔ also. That is why I called her and not you that night. I thought I had had a very nice conversation with your mom. And Im so glad I did. But I sure was not expecting your letter of January 28th, 2007. Boy Җ that really was a sock to my stomach and my heart! And that is why Ive waited 15 months now Җ hoping and praying that I would hear from you Truly I never meant harmŅ we are strangers to one another. There is a link to be sure, but there is so much history that was never written and it takes time to develop a connection. Just thought we could maybe connectӔ after so many years. We can take it as slow as you like! But I know that this will take time and patience to establish a relationship/friendship of the kind we are both comfortable with, if you are up to it! Wouldnt you like to meet someone that actually looks like you? Have you ever wondered or wanted to know where you got your eyes and chin from? Or your hair color҅ Or your smile Or your love of music or art? I believe I would! M, I want to give you the time that you need to process all that I have thrown at you in the last year! I will understand if you donŒt feel as strongly as I do about meeting at least once! Well, once more in our life time! So if you are willing to join me in this journey, and when you are ready, I will welcome you to the Six Flags over Adoption! Home of the emotional super-duper-looper roller coaster! A Journey of a Lifetime! I hear its a great ride! So many emotions going through all involved in this ғrollercoaster ride of your life! And there are NO seat belts!! As a reunited adoptee friend of mine said Ԗ With honest communication it can be fulfilling and also there is the fact that there is a mortality issue. Time isnԒt a guarantee now we have the rest of our livesŅ but time does not wait for us; the plan would be to keep our regrets to a minimum. as with our expectations! I canŒt change the past but I can look forward to the future! There are no rules to reunion, no time tables, no statue of limitation! We can take this as slow as you like, as IŒve said. I want you to know that you are important to me. It important to me that we are honest with each. I really need for you to know the story, my story, and story, that I had to only write this once, just to tell . Maybe information that you never knew; but as you said in your letter Ԗ but I really dont think you have been told the actual truth; you just know ғmy story from your parents and they in turn heard or read that in papers that a stranger wrote down at the Agency. I donԒt want you to be afraid to know me. If you have even the smallest part of me in you you will realize I pose no threat to you or your family. We just might be able to be friends. I have no anger, I have no guilt, I do have joy and regretօ joy that you had such a perfect childhood, and regret that I hadnt been part of it҅ hindsight is wonderful but not worth a whole bunch as we cannot do a thing with it. Im glad to read in your letter that you are comfortable with who you are, M Җ it makes me feel good. Im glad to get some of my feelings out there for you, and hope you come to a place of peace. I would love to have our relationship to take its own course and not force it. When I want something Җ I tend to charge full speed ahead and go for it! Patience has never been one of my finer qualities when I really want something badly. I guess I decided too quickly to want to develop as good as a relationship with you as soon as possible. I must try and be patient and rein in my need to proceed at warp speed! I guess since so much time has passed I just wanted to make up for that lost time. I know that making up for lost time is an impossibility. That time is gone and cannot be replaced, nor really make up for it. In retrospect, I overwhelmed you! I shouldn֒t have charged ahead quite so fast. I just want you to know that, when you are ready, again, remember Im here for you, now and forever! So M, hope you give this some more deep thoughts, because every day, I hope this will be the day I hear from you. I will be respectful of your wishes, if you choose to not want a relationship. I do not intent to force myself into your life. However, I want to give you the opportunity to know me, if you choose to. And if you choose not to, please thank your parents for me Җ for being the good parents that I prayed to God you would have. A good family! A good life of being loved and cherished. This was not for a loanӔ, not just for your growing up yearsӔ, but forever! I have/had no preconceptions and I will go on with my life as I have, and just be content in knowing that you are happy with who you are and where you are in your life! I do realize not every adoptee wants to meet their natural mothers. So if you choose to have nothing to do with me, it wont make me love you less. Take care҅ Smiles and good thoughts, M! Sveiks! L P.S. Since this is the first time I can actually say this to you: I hope you have a very Happy 39th Birthday this coming May! And I wish you many more great birthdays, M! I just celebrated my 60th birthday on August 31st in Riga, Latvia, as my mother asked that I celebrate it with her; so my husband and I flew over there for the celebration, and on the trip back visited my sister M and her husband R in Sweden. I would also like to congratulate you on your engagement and maybe already marriage! Hoping you found your true soul mate in this life and hope you have a healthy and prosperous one together! And I hope he makes you smile!

A very good friend of mine gave me some advice...really without knowing she was giving me advice. But it was exactly what I needed at that particular minute in time. She told me about "stepping back and finding the love of self to fulfill ones self". And in that one minute I got it. It was like a revelation. I am looking so hard into my relationship with J lookig for some type of "fulfillment". And when I was not getting what I thought I needed, it caused this depression for lack of a better word, this funk, that maybe she backed way off because finding me was enough for her. And I wanted more. But now, I am no longer going to look at my reunion, or lack there of, in that same light. I am stepping into 2008 looking at this as my self love and self fulfillment. Having J want me in her life would have been phenomenally great. Having my buncle and his family in my life, fabulous too. But my lightbulb above my head has gone off. And that is when I figured out that I am no less happy than I was before they arrived in my life. I am no less me for them choosing not to be a part of it. I am enriched with the knowledge that I have been given about my past. I am not angry anymore. I am not going to spend anymore time on what if or what might be. Life is too short. I am content. And for my friend who gave me this gift, I am eternally grateful.

Okay laugh at me if you want to especially if you read my last words in the last post. I think there is purpose behind just about everything and I think the puppy care was preperation so that I would know I could do it and so that we would say 'yes'. I have no idea where this little angel's case is headed. I have absolutely no information-very frustrating. She could leave tomorrow, or stay forever-no clue. I don't even know why she was removed. I only know two other siblings are in care, not adopted, and that the foster home could not take a baby but that the siblings are very attached to this foster home. I don't have time to write much just that we are in love. She has Eli's skin tone, but other then that their features are very different, though everyone thinks they do (whatever...kind of annoying.) I was told we were getting a 6 week old baby boy felt 100% at peace with saying "yes" immediatly even though in the back of my mind I have felt for a long time the next baby will be a girl not a boy. I called dh immediatly he was gung ho, gave myself an hour to think about it, felt absolutely good about saying "yes" talked with Eli's worker and made sure it was not going to jeapordize anything with his adoption. I then called and said 'yes!' That evening I came home---such a long story!---to a perfect 6 week old baby who was dressed in pink. I told BIL (very long story as to why he was there) "wait a minute this is supposed to be a boy" he said "I haven't checked out the packaging but I'm pretty sure this is a girl." My BIL was soooo sweet. He took care of her for me until I could get home. In my heart I feel something significant. I go with my feelings here and wow am I in love. I'm crying just typing this. Anyway she is an angel baby. She fusses only when she is hungry. she is already cooing and smiling. she has almond eyes, cute chubby cheeks, and a head full of soft curls-her t-shirt she was wearing when she came said "I love my hair!" Eli LLLLLOOOOVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS her!!! Well so far anyway. He is very sweet with her. He is a loving little guy. busy but loving and always has been. He gave her a kiss and he doesn't give those out often. He says "awwwwwwww b..b..b...". Translation "oh how I love you baby girl" constantly. I sort of let him hold her while I was holding her and he did not want to give her up. He sat for a good 10 minutes which is equivelant to an hour for him :) DD's think she is the little princess. The coolest thing is that we adopted a kitten from the humane society on the same day. I adore animals, all animals, I always have. Ask my parents how many strays I brought home they have several stories. Then there are animals that are special to me, this kitten, which was sort of going to be the "puppy" the girls wanted was not intended but we all knew immediatly she was for our family. Thinking about raising a puppy, its just not a good time for us, so we compromised with a litter trained kitty. THe girls have been playing with her and set up their room as a kitty palace. They spent all their savings (exactly $15 and change) on kitty toys, a tunnel, made a her 4 beds in various places... Dh went to meet her after we had lunch together as a family and he's friends with the vet who cares for the animals at the humand society so they let him take him immediatly. They are currently over capacity with cats, totally meant to be that we found this sweet kitty. She is a character. I'm more of a dog person but I LOVE my kitties too. So we got home from that and I received the call about the baby "boy." What a week. Wow have to run. L I had a bad winter taking care of two babies...and questioned if I could do it again.

We started doing this foster care thing in '05 and it was a rollercoaster ride then, but today it is so different! We have our boy and mom has expressed how she knows she wont be able to care for him, and we really want him in the worst way, but now she is pregnant again, using drugs, and isn't sure if she wants to give him up or not, and the case worker wont do termination because of the pregnancy, and the fact they want us to take the next baby so they are keeping this case open!!! Today is the permenancy review and I have no idea what will take place! I am nervous for our boy because I do not know how much longer he will be in custody! I am scared he will get a little older and start to get confused because he goes for his visits and his mom calls herself mom to him and then he comes here and I call myself mom to him I just do not know how to feel or what to think! I became apart of this adoption.com website to talk to people and vent, but sometimes no one replies to your questions and therefore you still don't have "anyone"! I just hope all goes well with this review and we get the ball rolling on the adoption process! I just don't think his birthmom is compotent enough to raise her children(she did(with our boy) and is on drugs while pregnant so she is already putting her children in danger)!!! I am scared and confused and worried and anxious! Sometimes I feel all alone because my in-laws do not talk to us and my family does not talk to us either! I am just beside myself today!

Email from my son this morning: Wow, I'm so impressed that you went and watched this film... sorry words fail me x x x ________________________________________________________ I managed to get hold of a store 6 miles away that would rent the DVD my son was talking about, take I.D. all that kind of thing and I watched it last night and could see what my son was enjoying about it and why it affected him the way it did. What an insight into his thoughts. I emailed him last night to say a few personal things and I couldn't believe it, there was the heartfelt reply - I think its the 5th or 6th email I've had from him in a week. Wow, that was great. To wake up and hear the postman pass my flat and leave nothing (sigh) to put on my email and there are just a few words from him, was soooooo nice. It just goes to show that if you keep your eyes and heart open, you never know what is going to come your way. Pain has a nasty habit of getting in the way, but if we can try to overcome the issues with tactfulness and help each other with the healing, then maybe we are on the road to better things. My heart draws breath and is a little scared in case all of this goes away.... what insecure creatures we are. Am reading the forums today and seeing so much pain wanting to be acknowledged. Each (now adult) child wanting a parent to be a parent, and yet all parents are children themselves with their own experiences and hangups and pain....the cycle seems never ending. Expectations seem high somehow and as a birthmother I've felt the pressure from my son with things like: "You'll understand me mum, because YOU'RE MY MUM". Thats true, but its not some passport to instant understanding and of everything. All relationships have to be worked on and some abandoned because of the nature of the personality you're dealing with and I'm thinking more of my own family here. I have had quite a few issues with my them, my biological family, adoption doesn't even come into it - my father left when I was 11 years old, 40 years later, I have what I'm starting to recognise as abandonment issues, that have affected me for life. My dad was always criticised by HIS mother and compared unfavourably against his brother which left him bitter and so it goes on. I remember as a child hearing my mother crying out for her mother when she was asleep. My sister told me that when mum was dying she cried out for her mother again. That haunted me, but it was also a reminder that we are children inside, trying to find our way in a very difficult and at times very cruel world. My mum had a lot of pain with losing her first husband (blown up) in the World War, she lost a baby and lost a 4 year old child to death, she lost my dad to divorce, and so it goes on. Is it any wonder, by the time our damaged souls are reached by our relinquished children, that we are in no fit state to respond as they so need us to? Its taken a lot of effort, and my mind has almost bent double with the emotional trauma and pain, but I am beginning to allow myself a smidgen of hope, realisation, that my son and I are actually getting it together extremely well. The bond is there and is deepening. That the way I've tried to tackle and help his issues and mine, is actually working. Well only time will tell, and I daren't get too .. anything.... small steps at a time ... hope and ... love, lots of it, lots of reassurance and lots of love. Thats the recipe.

Its Friday and I've been house sitting. I've had 3 emails from my son and we're both communicating well. I still haven't given him my phone number as I'm still on the edge of having a breakdown and I'm not available emotionally like that, but I feel I need this constant contact that he's giving me, to build up my confidence again. He says he's going to send me photos of his parents and his brother and if he does do that, that would be nice, but he's not very good at following through. A tv programme about alcohol and the damage its doing to people as young as 22 has profoundly affected him and I think its hit home. If it has and it helps give him a focus, that would be so good. I'm off to my counselling session now and she has been so encouraging and says that the reunion in her experience IS a good one. Feeling much more encouraged but my mind is still numb and I need time to recover. Will make another entry when I have more time, have to get the train now

Ok, well yesterday I found out my bmoms name now. I knew her maiden name from my original birth certificate. Her name is Myrna Faye Coxe. She has been married twice. I received my non id info and it told me what I already knew from my Mom. Myrna was dating a MUCH older man who had either been married before or was still married. When she told him she was pregnant with me she never heard from him again. I guess he was an alcoholic cab driver. I very well could have older siblings from him. Myrna met a man and fell in love while still pregnant with me. In her 7th month she decided to give me up. She planned on marrying this other man sometime after I was born. So, that is where my fiance and I started our search. We went to the main library and looked at marriage, divorce and death records and found her first marriage in 1972, then her divorce in 1978. Then in 1991 she remarried and is still married to him as far as I know. So, I took that new name and bought her info. I found out she lives about an hour from where I live now. I just moved here a year and a half ago. She lives in the same county as I do. In the info I found it shows possible relatives and there is a girl and two boys that are possibly her children. I am so excited. I have always been the youngest with just a brother. Now I will be the oldest with a sister and two more brothers. I have always wanted a sister all my life. Plus, I think she has three step children from her husband. Wow. I am so anxious. I hope I don't start having anxiety attacks. ok, here is the 10/4 on why I can't get married right now. My husband died from a direct result of an on the job accident. He hurt his ankle and had surgery to fix it. two weeks later he felt sick and I took him to the hospital and he was diagnosed with pnuemonia. Two days later he was dead from blood clots to his lungs. They filled up. He was gone in an hour. I watched him die in my parents house. So, I collect widows benefits from social security and SAIF(workmans comp). I cannot get remarried until we generate the money we would be losing monthly. Sucks!!! I cannot have another baby while receiving the money from saif. They suck. I had to wait while I sued the doctor and hospital who misdiagnosed my husband two days before he died. I had to wait for everything. I am tired of waiting. I have to wait to get married, I have to wait to have another baby. And now I have to wait to hear from my bmom. I have never been a patient person. I am excited, petrified, anxious and nervous all at the same time. It helps to read the other reunion stories on here, a lot. I have started making a list of the questions I want to ask her when I finally meet her. I will not give up until I do. I want to thank her in person and not in a letter. I need to see her face while I do. She only has to see me once if that is what she chooses, but once it will be darn it. She owes me that much. I want to find my bdad too. Help me please.

First a shout out to my cyber friends.... Forever Family... YIPPEE amazing :-) M...rocks....how wonderful, she is such an amazing kiddo I love hearing about her tremendous growth and well...hello? she's awesome at EVERYTHING. C is just a beauty and amazing and gonna have some big shoes to fill (effortlessly...I'm sure) ....and Eli...call me let's talk, we need a male member of the band FOR SURE...I just...I love hearing about your family....it just gives me more proof....proof in the amazing amazing of it all...thank you. PAULA.....get that nurses degree girl YOU'RE AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! I love ya! And your kids (and hot hubby :-) will be so proud of all you are doing! Tudu...I wanna hear you're the parent of a biracial newborn...:-) boy! (but selfishly as said before....girl. :-) I need to swap hair ideas...and well after Eli and Ari...start their band???? ...you know we may need another singer :-) Not that any other of your beautiful kiddos...couldn't join. :-) Pechocha...congrats on THE FINALIZATION!!!!!!!!!! Sophia is an angel. Ahimsa....so nice to hear from you :-) How are your beauties....I miss hearing from you....miss the stories :-( Ok...while my producer woes are not resolved and neither are the lawyer issues....I feel much better. Maybe because in three days I will be basking on the beaches of Hawaii...maybe because I have begun a new and AMAZING project....and maybe because I can fianlly see the furture unfold. For the amazing project....I will be starting a blog soon about my writing, but it is about a Czech freedom fighter that was a mother and a wife who fought against oppression and was executed. When I go to the Czech Republic...I will be speaking with her daughter who, when she was 16, was taken to a prison cell and kissed her mother goodbye and that day her mother was hanged in a public square. This was only thirty years ago and this woman, her daughter, has never recovered. It does speak to the issues we face in adoption....it speaks to the tremendous loss of a parent and I can't wait to speak to her next month and tell her mother's story. I feel honored to be chosen to do so. My films are also moving along....and I am so grateful I am a writer :-) All looks good YEAH! Sadly my own little daughter will have to be left home as we are not able to finalize her adoption before my trip. It will be heartbreaking and gut wrenching to be away from her, truthfully I don't know how I will do it, but the woman I am writing about, and for, left her daughter and was never able to return to her....I will consider myself fortunate for being able to hold my angel in my arms seven days after leaving, and grateful for the understanding of the pain of separation that was permenant for Milada and...for every birth mother who relenqusihed their child...and every adoptive parent who was not able to parent their foster or adoptive child. Parenting does have it's sorrow. For my sister's wedding in Hawaii...we will have The Big Easter Egg hunt. Of the friends and family who have become parents....we will be having a huge Easter Egg Hunt at my sister's "day after wedding, brunch" When I looked at the kids...I just teared up with joy at how proud I am of our friends. Here are the kids and parents in the Easter Egg Hunt, the day after my sister's wedding. My cousin Kris and her husband Hunter and their girls...Skylar and Devon. Devon was born on the livingroom floor of their home after two contractions, weighing 9.5 pounds, born to a 5 foot 100 lbs woman who was later diagnosed with breast cancer and is (thank God) now cancer free....RIGHT ON KRISSY! Skylar is 6 and Devon is 3.5 Kellie and Mike Rosen....after two miscarriages (one in the sixth month of pregnancy) gave birth to Rachel Rosen in October of 2006. Randy and Elliot Flies after coming out to their families ten years ago, adopted a son Isaac from Vietnam, he is now 8...they later married (in a spiritual ceramony still not recognized by the state of Minnesota) and bought a house, claiming they were living thier lives in reverse, Baby, Marriage, House, adopted Jason from Cambodia who is now six. Carolyn and Chris Mukai....have three sons, the last....little Collin was born in October 2006, but the first Justin, had seizure disorder and was put on Phenol Barbital which caused speech delays and physical delays and is still in special education. And finally....... me mother to Aria Hope, who is 14 months old, biracial drug exposed, DIVA, singer extrodinaire, falsly (or not) diganosed with CP and Epilepsy.....come on Aloha Easter Bunny we are READY for you! And on a final note....my mother, who we all know I have had a challenge living with.....was found on the freeway going to Orange County (to a dr.'s appointment) on an onramp (facing the wrong direction) down the embankment, with her car TOTALLED. (Brand new Toyota Highlander SUV Hibryd) not knowing where she was and how she got there. THANK GOD SHE IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But it brought home for me the fact that she really, really needs help and that's why Ari and I are here....as hard as it has been, I finally get that. And I love her I really do....and so does my little angel. Ok...final note on little angel....she now rules the world and has both me and my mom wrapped around her finger...I am trying to pull in the reins a bit so as not to spoil the babe....but boy is it hard. And lastly...I boast that LA is so diverse...but really we are not. I wanted to find a little Madame Alexander doll for Ari for Easter...each of my cousins and my sister (all of which will be at the wedding in Hawaii) got their first Huggums at their first Easter....(well this is Ari's second...but ok...she was a little cute blob on her first) And I wanted to follow tradition for my own child. I went from Beverly Hills to The deep dark Valley and NEVER found a brown skinned Madame Alexander Baby doll...finally I started calling...I got answers like. "we don't carry brown skinned dolls"....like I was asking for a leper doll. To "we used to carry them, but we don't anymore.", "nope, all white" "No, we don't have brown skinned dolls." To the place I finally went to get her doll (by the way she has four gorgeous dolls, all beautiful, all brown skinned (two are from Pottery Barn kids) the other two were very expensive, but worth every dollar) They said "we do have brown skinned dolls, but they're BLACK!" "Are they Madame Alexander?" I asked? "Yes, but they're BLACK!" "Great, I'm coming right over." Clerk adds...."you sure you want a BLACK doll?" and I add..."YESSSS!" Boy oh boy...if I weren't a successful filmaker I would open a toy store of JUST ethnic dolls....damn I finally got a taste of everyday average racism....and it is in the simple fact that no doll/toy story in Los Angeles carries brown skinned dolls that don't look like a charred version of the Bride of Chucky!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrr.

Well, the day finally came yesterday! We have PA!! Laura said we will probably be resubmitted to PGN on Monday. It's so exciting! We really could get out before Easter! Oh, Lord, allow it to be so! On another note...we still haven't been sent the pics and medical update from Wilito's doctor's visit on the 15th. :( Laura keeps telling me they are calling the doctor's office, but then nothing happens. Oh, Lord, please straighten it out so we can see Wilito! I miss him so much!

for everyone out there who were given up for adoption or taken, whatever the case may be, dont ever give up trying to find your birthfamily. now i can understand certain situations that would cause a parent or parents to have no choice but to give their child up for adoption, but i honestly with all of my heart believe that an adoptee does have every right to have adoption records opened, but only at the right age and maturity also. you also have to be careful if you find out certain things, for the simple fact that not everything is worth knowing...i have alot of things to say but it is hard because i was not treated right growing up..

I just don't understand it. E never did anything to anyone, but he is miserable. Almost every minute he has spent on this earth seems to have been miserable for him. I feel so bad. I wish I could take some of his suffering away. It's just awful to watch him wimper and cry all the time. You get so frustrated with doctors because you want them to cure him, or at least take away some of his misery, but the truth is they can't do any more than we can. They don't know whats wrong, they have no cure. They don't even know how to treat the symptoms anymore. What can we do but love him and try to comfort him when we can. Everything else seems unimportant when you hear those screams. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to work, I don't want to goto school. I feel miserable for him. I know that won't help the situation any so I goto work and I goto school, but it feels like going through the motions of the day with no emotion involved. Well I'll send up a silent prayer that things will be better for him soon. I hope all is well.

April 30, 2006 I updated my information on a registry site and a search angel was able to get in contact with my birthgrandparents. They want contact with me and we spoke on the phone for over an hour the other day. They told me that my b-mom was upset when they told her I was looking for her. She has not told her daughter about me, but thats OK. I am extremly happy with what I have now and I would not change anything.

And that's the way it will always be. When I was first married to my ex husband I so badly wanted a baby. Growing up I never saw myself living past 18, nor did my family. Once I saw a life past 18 I decided I would have babies, maybe one or three. So, in Texas with my ex and as a military wife, having a baby was the right thing to do. But we couldn't, or rather I was told, I couldn't. We treid and treid and went for fertility treatment including two surgeries. Many of you understand all that, it's painful both physically and emotionally. But no matter what we did, no baby. Not even a pregnancy. Fast forward. By the time I met my forever husband I was ok with the fact that I would never be able to bear children. As was he. WE'd later get married with this knowledge, but his parents don't know. Mine do, that another story! Well, we left to get married, in Ohio, and I was dizzy and we all figured it was nerves. When we got home my period started, I'll be it several months late. But of coarse I was let because of nerves. My period wouldn't stop. WEnt to the obgyn. I was losing a baby? How could that be? I won't go into all the emotion there. Not today However, after a ton of considoration my husband and I decided we would shose not to have a family, outside of our pets. Is that so wrong? I would hate to regret having children, I know people who do. So, that is why I do things like beg for votes for my dogs. To you they are dogs, to me they are the children I chose not to have.